Author's Response: Thank you dearie for the review :)rnrn~Nicole
Tears welled up.
I loved the fic.
Author's Response: Oh thank you. *wipes away tears* hehe, I'm glad you loved it :)rnrn~Nicole
Dear, dear Nicole. Perhaps you already found the copy of the story when you were in the study. If you did, and you didn’t tell me, shame on you! You should have told me and I would have reviewed something else. So, that’s the price we pay for being equally sneaky, I should think!
I saw the original version of this and remember the comments you got from Andrea, as well as the triumph at finally getting it posted. There’s still a lot I don’t like about it, and I’m perfectly happy saying that because I know you’ll tackle me. However, there is a lot I do like. There’s a lot of careless errors that I think will only be fixed by themselves as grammar becomes more natural. I’ll say though, that your level of writing is astounding compared to what my was. A few words from me to you, grasshopper.
And so, we begin - A VERY big clap and thanks goes to Lindsey for beta'ing this more than once and the different versions written before the copy before you.
Go ahead, hate me. I know you’ll get over it when I tap you on the shoulder with chocolate. I’d like to re-word this to say, “A VERY big clap and thanks go to Lindsey [andmysisterStephanieforlookingatitandputtingupwithme] for continuing to beta this before this reached the copy you see before you on the screen.” Just because I’m a mean big sister and this sentence makes me twitch a little.
I was surrounded by the chilling mist that pressed against windows miles away. You’re missing a little something in this sentence. Is the mist surrounding you, or is it pressing against the windows, miles away? Maybe you could say, “the same chilling mist…” and that way it’s the larger picture.
… clouds of dirt to rise and fall lightly
again. Simple, right? *twirls editing tools around finger*
yse were the creatures that scared the living daylights out of children when the lights turned off at night, causing them to hide protectively underneath many layers of blankets in their beds, their eyes wide until morning. – I’ve stricken They, and propose These instead, because you’re insinuating that THE DEMENTORS are the ones that make the kids so scared, and it’s a little more definitive this way. The words I bolded I added myself, to make it flow better, and because till isn’t actually an English word (It’s American) I changed it to until. Because I like prolonging the morning part; it worked well. And if you’re still confused come sit on my knee. Or the floor.
Their decaying hands reached for me, beckoning me to a life without a soul. I love this line! I like beckoning; it reminds me of the Dementors prising apart Dudley’s hands “lovingly” in OotP. And because they’re practically paralysed by the Dementors, this is a good word to use.
I like your lead up into the flashback, mainly because there’s no short sentences. I have a think with your short sentences, because I used to use them myself when I first started writing and you’ve haven’t been able to get out of the habit yet. But basically, that’s the most jarring thing in your story, because it does explain the rest of what you meant to say with some effect, but also distracts the flow of reading and makes me go. Read. Keep reading. Suspense. Stop. Read. . The only other huge issue I have with the story is the use of italics. It really, really bugs me that more than 20% of the story is in italics. It’s really difficult reading huge bodies of text in italics, because italics were traditionally used for suspense and work well with short flashbacks and sometimes, quotes. So we’ll have to figure out some way of inverting the text or making it quite clear that it’s a flashback, without having to invert the italics. I suggest asking around on the forums, using the first 400 words of this story, and then explaining that it continues to the end.
My voice sounded, shakingly and then I shifted from behind the Professor. I wouldn’t have the comma after shakingly, and I’d say “my voice shook” because it’s the same action, but grammatically correct ;). And, would it be all that hard to find Hagrid, unless a mountain fell on him? :D.
(I thought I’d just add you came in just now and asked me what I was doing, I panicked, and you asked whether it was for “that SPEW thing.” In answer to your question, yes it is!) And now, I’m going to bold a few of the errors as well as discuss them. Don’t be discouraged by the errors, grasshopper. Paint the fence!
They walked in silence to the door marked Library, its gold, curvy lettering shining, almost like there was hope to be found inside its many books, amongst the darkness and I pushed it open.Because I’d rather this not in italics, I’d italicise Library and instead of the awkward sentence write marked Library, the gold curvy lettering shining as I pushed the door open to find the hope that lay inside its many books. I only kept that last part because I like the “many books” part.
“… parents are killed cruelly for sport,” she cried bitterly and I soothingly patted her on the back, biting back my own words and tears. I’d change the comma before the speech marks to a . as this works better, and makes the whole crying line sound better.
Screams of terror met our ears when I, Harry, and Hermione Apparated to the destroyed street. Harry, Hermione and I :).
I gripped my wand tightly, preparing for the fight ahead in which I
possibly wouldn’tmay not survive.
I mentioned those weird us/them errors to you before, and I know why they’re there. So, I thought I’d point them out for you so you can just Ctrl + F them. The three of us walked into the destruction and began to fight their way through. – And - Some had survived like them and were slowly picking themselves up off the ground… Lastly, Hermione and I bumped into each other and momentarily forgot what was around them when our eyes met.
I tore her eyes away from Hermione painfully. I’d love to know how you did that. *giggles & tears your eyes away with her Accio spell*
…as there was a bright light. Duh. Cough.
I’m adding here, that you’ve just said you’ve been at the Burrow for two days. And, you wait too long to say that Ron’s family’s gone, because we’re like (as readers) “Dude, why is Mrs Weasley lacking? Why is the Burrow deserted with no food? Was it half blown apart?” You’re giving us the same feeling as when they’re in the forest in the tent. And that’s pretty tragic. Here’s he’s got the luxuries of food and warmth, and stove for Pete’s sake. Hermione can cook, as we saw in DH. Just some things to think about, of course. I get the image you’re tyring to project, but all the little inaccuracies are making me giggle.
… rushing downstairs to gobble up home cook food. The reason there’s no home cooked food would be better explained if you’d said earlier up that the Burrow was deserted.
A few days in silence and without much sun light and we both were at breaking point. The days seem to be blurred, all pushed together into one long, painful day that seemed to never end. Um. You’ve been here for two days, now a “few” days, and they’re blurring. Are we loosing track of time, or what? You might want to change the original two days to two weeks, I think. ;)
I climbed the stairs to my room, my head hung low in defeat. Again, more proof Ron’s at home ;).
The Dementor’s were repelled by the charm. They retreated from my and the Patronus. The apostrophe in Dementors needs to be AK’d, because it’s plural, not possessive. And, it should be “me and my Patronus” even thought that’s technically not correct, either…
“I love you so much, Ron, and together, we can survive this,” she said, hugging me tightly, as we prepared in our minds, for the troubled times ahead of us. Uh. He’s just finished telling her that he almost died, and that there were Dementors, and she’s like, “Oh but Ronnie I love you!” and your readers are like, “Awwwww” and then “wtf?”. A little badly characterised, I think. Maybe a line along the lines of “Oh no, that’s terrible, come here and tell me.” And then Ron mumbling something, and then telling her not to fuss would be a little more in character for her. Hermione is always inquisitive, and always fusses. Except for when JKR’s doing something brilliant with her, I think she’s always like that. Whether or not you follow my idea, I do think it definitely needs to be changed.
So, it was a little delayed, and I know you’re now full aware of what the “SPEW thing” is about, aren’t you? I’d be happy to work with you on this, making it pretty and shiny, and then you can update it once we’ve checked everything off. Don’t forget, this has come a long, long way from what it was, but there’s always somewhere to improve. Other than the last scene, the characterisation was great. The majority of the review was little picky things, so don’t be discouraged. I loved the plot line. I loved the idea, and where it stemmed from (and yes, the non-existent lyrics are fantastic ;)) and the way you’ve made it your own. I do think you have some really fabulous ideas, better than the ones I’ve had of late (or at all) so your should be very proud of yourself for that, Nicole. Your fiction is always really good to read, even if I do twitch at the little things :). I can’t help it!
Author's Response: I don't really need to respond by typed words on the computer, but expect a BIG hug when I knock on you bedroom door after i finish up on the computer :D ~Nicole (luv you Stephanie!)
Cool. That's ruddy brilliant! Keep up the great work!
Author's Response: That you very much! ~Nicole