This is a very interesting story you have here. I really like how this is an OC/OC romance, as these kinds of stories always add a different side to the Harry Potter world, where as many focus on canon characters. You have a great style in presenting this as well, with the song lyrics, the brief first person perspective, and the continuing third person perspective. Usually, this would be a lot to take in, but the way you have it works well. However, I somewhat find the lyrics a bit distracting, though I did notice the pattern with Natasha Bedingfield’s lyrics during Clara’s chapters and Matchbox 20’s lyrics during William’s.
Chapter 2: As if he, William Briarwood, would ever need the help of a lowly Muggle!
I wanted to address this specific line, because I found it very interesting how William is so critical of Clara, even though he is a werewolf, soon to be outcast by his own family. I’m assuming he’s pureblood, am I right?
Chapter 3: “Late again, Miss Miller?” asked Bishop Aldrich you this time?”
During the 3rd chapter, this sentence confused me. I don’t know if it was a continuation of a quote that missed a part or whether you meant to cut this out, but you might want to fix it.
Chapter 4: Of course this girl, this lowly Muggle leper, would be just as coarse and uneducated as she appeared.
I happened to love this part. In the first chapter, Clara was specifically stating that she wanted to get rid of the stereotype of lepers, but here William is still in belief of it. I also really liked the part where he offered to teach her how to write.
You’ve done a great job so far with your characters. They are believable, with William encompassing the ideals of wizards and Clara making a point that not all Muggles are ignorant and stupid (as can be somewhat common in stories). It will be very interesting to see how their relationship evolves, given their values and beliefs. (I liked the part where Clara believes that witchcraft is superstitious nonsense.) In the short chapters that have been written, I have already gotten an understanding of their personalities, which is hard to do when first introducing characters. I like Clara’s independent, almost rebellious, nature, and William’s proud figure.
As for plot, I’m definitely interested in seeing where this is going. Pureblood families are always interesting to read about, and you have added an interesting twist with having this story set in an earlier time period. Add the fact that William is a werewolf and Clara a leper, and you’ve got a very unique story. Well done with this and I hope to see more.
Oho! Okay, so we knew he was going to be a werewolf, but still, Oho! Quite afraid I'm not in a reviewing mood, so if this review is terrible, forgive me. =p
Hm...William seems quite the pureblood snob. Will he ever change? Eh, probably. Got to go, the parents are back!~
HA! I knew there was a reason to check out the OC romance section! It seems that I have found it.
The way this opens with an imaginary diary is interesting, expecially when you find that Clara can't write!
The way you describe things is mesmerizing - incredibly simple, and yet you still imagine the meadow and the town perfectly. Marvelous. =)
Oh, poor Clara! She had so much to live for, and then it was all thrown away when she contracted leprosy (I recently watched Ben Hur. Coincidence? Haha, I don't know....) But now she might get her life back...
Or she'll die. Either one. *rolls eyes* Hm, can't wait to see what she says to the boy! He was incredibly rude; but then again...
Excellent, intruiging story! Can't wait to read the rest.~
I like this write more soon you have a great ablitiy to lure people into reading your stories Oh do hurry with the next chapter this has started to get good
Author's Response: Hi, and thank you very much for your sweet review. =] I'm so glad you like my story. And I just submitted the next chapter today, so hopefully it won't be long til it's up and running. =] Thanks again!
Author's Response: Eep! I've totally been neglecting all my stories, but don't worry--Chapter Four is in progress! It might be a while before it's up, but I definitely haven't forgotten it. =]
Author's Response: =] Chapter four is finished and about to be sent to the beta, so hopefully it won't be long til it's up!
It just keeps getting better. :) I love the barrier you've set between Will and Clara... she's a Muggle and has no idea what or who he is, and he thinks she's scum for being in a Muggle AND a leper... it really makes you wonder how they could EVER set aside their differences and actually have feelings for each other. Again, amazing job.
Author's Response: =] Thanks so much again for your wonderful review, Mariah. I really wanted to emphasize the differences between my two characters, and I'm glad you think I've managed to set that up well. =] *hugs* Thanks again! ~Fenn
I've been meaning to read this story ever since I saw your Skele-Gro Plot Potion thread and things about it a while back, but I've been so busy that I only just got around to actually doing it. I'm so glad I did, though! This is off to a great start. I love your style... it's subtle and crisp, but also really beautiful. And I already love Clara... her characterization is great. Awesome! I can't wait to see where it goes.
Author's Response: Mariah! *tackles* Thank you so much for your review--it means so much to me, especially coming from an excellent author such as yourself. I'm so glad that you like my story, and Clara. *hugs* Grazie!
Wow ... Clara really wants to help William to have risked that. I do wonder what she'll do and I hope he's not TOO stubborn with her after all she's done ...
Please continue quickly.
Author's Response: Haha--yes, Clara is taking quite a bit of a risk here, but it'll pay off. =] And as for William... He's really a stubborn person, but I think Clara will be able to soften him up after some time. ;] Thanks so much for your review!
“Late again, Miss Miller?” asked Bishop Aldrich you this time?”
It looks like a formatting error here-- something gone wrong from copying and pasting, I'd bet. Did you mean for the sentence to read more like, "Late again, Miss Miller?" asked Bishop Aldrich. "What kept you from church this time?"
Your characterization of Bishop Aldrich was very well done. I loved the physical description you gave of him. Also, the contrast of his lifestyle compared to the people he "serves" as Bishop is dynamic. His pride and wealthy lifestyle make him a character that readers would be interested to see more of.
To improve on you story, I would suggest including more of the Bishop's reactions to Clara's behavior. How did he react once he got over the shock of Clara speaking out? He doesn't seem like the kind of person that would accept looking foolish in front of his congregation, especially when the embarrassment was brought on by a girl that he sees as his inferior. Would he yell? Would he threaten her? Would he silently seethe? I'm sure you will include the repercussions of Clara's behavior in a later chapter, but it would have added to this chapter if you included the immediate reactions of the witnesses, especially the Bishop.
I know it's difficult to remember the more minor characters when you are focusing on your protagonist, Clara. However, if you do add in reactions and such, then it will surely add another dimension to your already brilliant, engaging writing.
Author's Response: *feels teh warm fuzzies* Once again, thank you soo much!
As for the formatting error.. o.O I'll definitely go back to fix that once I'm done with my vacation.
Ah, Bishop Aldrich. He's quite a nasty piece of work, isn't he? But once again, I completely see what you mean about his reaction. He's going to play quite a large role later on, so it's only natural that I should develop his character early on. *nods* I'll definitely come back and add some more about him.
Anyways, once again, thank you so much for your amazing reviews. I'm so pleased that you like my writing, and all your input is so very helpful to me. *hugs* You're wonderful, hon!
I like the cohesiveness that you created by starting each of your chapters with song lyrics. It's interesting. Also, the short bit of first person narrative adds an interesting point of view that keeps the reader intrigued with your writing. I like how you stay away from endless paragraphs.
“I don’t.” Will cut her off immediately. Drawing himself up proudly, the young man gave his head a forceful shake before continuing. “Do you have any idea who I am? My father, Edward Briarwood–surely you’ve heard of him. No? Perhaps you’ve heard of my mother, Sagitta Black?”
I loved this paragraph. The mixture Will's words and the descriptions of his actions blend together to create a picture of his character-- that even though he is wounded and clothed in rags, his pride shows through as a dominating characteristic.
The only thing I can think to add to this chapter would be to describe a bit more of Clara's reactions. I know that it's difficult because this chapter is supposed to be about Will. However, you can add to her character subtly while still focusing on Will. By adding a few more descriptions of Clara's reactions to a situation, readers can get more of a feel for who she is, even if the chapter isn't necessarily focusing on her.
Again, you've done a wonderful job.
Author's Response: Once again, thanks for a lovely review! ^.^ They're so downright helpful! I'm glad you think I've characterized Will well--I found him somewhat harder to write than Clara, but you're right; pride really is his major character trait.
And I totally see what you mean about showing more of Clara. One of my big problems is unconciously switching PoV, so I think i might have been a little bit too careful to show only what Will was thinking. You're right; I need to show more about Clara as well.
Thank you SO much for your help and beautiful reveiw! I appreciate it so much.
Woot! A historical fic! I really love historical, but it's definitely not the most popular category, but that doesn't make it any less wonderful.
I like how you introduced Clara. The diary entry is definitely an interesting way to give backstory and insight into Clara's mind and personality. You did a brilliant job of adding little details that peak a reader's interest and make them want to keep reading. The song lyrics also add nice variation.
But sometimes, life does not work out as we wish. I cannot write, and I cannot go back in time to before I was sent to this dread colony.
Just a little mistake here. The "dread" in this sentence should be change to "dreaded".
The air was crisp and cool, and a gentle whisper of drizzle murmured against her skin like a silken curtain of mist.
I really like all the descriptions you used in this paragraph and the one before. You really painted the picture of the village well. However, just keep in mind to keep your adjectives and phrases varied so the descriptions don't seem repetitive or routine (not that they do, by any means, but you wouldn't want to start). :]
I like how you described Clara as "a creature of habit". It makes her relatable and gives reason to her actions.
Really nice job, Fenrir. Your cliff-hanger ending is so perfect and it practically forces readers to read the next chapter. You're a brilliant writer, and I can tell that you work hard to make your stories the best that you can. Keep up the amazing job.
Author's Response: Wow! Thank you SO much for your amazing review! *huggles tightly* I'll definitely keep in mind your suggestions. You're awesome!
I like where this story is headed. Keep up the good work. I can't wait to read more =]
Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much for your wonderful review! xD It really means a lot to me. Thanks!!
Anyways, Clara is the daring type, isn’t she? Hiding an unknown man in her room, speaking back to the Bishop…It sounds as if she’s heading for a spot of trouble here! Although, I certainly hope not, for her and William’s sake.
I really want to see some more of the interaction between William and Clara. Hopefully the next chapter?
Author's Response: Kelly! *tackles*
Yes, Clara certainly is a complicated person.. And she is in for some trouble! Yep, Chapter Four is going to show their relationship begin to unfold. I won't be able to post it for a while [vacation--squee!] but hopefully it wont' take too long. Thank you SO much for your amazing reveiw!
Alas, I promised myself I would go to sleep early but I came across your story and found that I lost another half an hour of sleep. But I am not dissapointed. The idea of a leper and a warewolf lured me in and ... well, teh first two chapters of the story captured me. William and Clara are very realistic characters and find it quite amusing how thier first meeting unwound. I look forward to seeing how they eventually warm up to each other and what the world holds in store for them.
Also, you have used, in my opinion, two very good songs so far to portray your story. I do hope you will be using more. I have grown to fancy lyrics in stories. Especally if I like the songs. I do hope there will be another chapter to read shortly but until then I believe some sleep will do me good.
♥ Ash/Trixie Vixie
Author's Response: Wow!! Thank you SO much for your lovely review, Ash! =]]]]]] It completely made my day. *happy sigh* I'm so very glad that you like it, and I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me so. *hugs* Fennnn
It's really good so far!
I like the tension between Willaim and Clara - it makes it seem more realistic that he doesn't like lepers, even though he's a wizard.
I hope William gets nicer to Clara! Maybe after she cleans him up?
Great job so far!
Author's Response: Hey Kelly! Thanks so much for your review. =]]] I'm really glad you like it--especially since you're such an amazing writer yourself! And don't worry--William will warm up to her... somehow. ;] Thanks again! *hugs* Fenn
Author's Response: Thank you. =]
Will seems very Slytherin-like; he's proud and not afraid to use others for his own needs, and he seems to have a little bit of pureblood mania in him ("It was despicable [living with lepers]."). Clara also seems to have some pride but is definitely not as arrogant as Will seems to be. Another great chapter, albeit short ;) Can't wait for another update when the queue reopens!
Author's Response: Ah yes, William. =] He's a rather unsavory type at first, isn't he? But don't worry--Clara will change him. ;] To some extent at least.
And yeah, I tend to write very short chapters. >.< *giggle* Thank you so much for your lovely review! I really appreciate it!
This is a very interesting and unique story you've started here :) Clara seems to be a very realistic character, and she seems so normal that I forgot until the very end that she has leprosy. I'm also very eager to find out more about William and how Clara's and his relationship will come together. Update soon!
Author's Response: Yay! First review!
*cough* Anyways, thanks so much for your sweet review and encouraging words. I'm so glad that you think Clara is realistic--that's one of my biggest concerns, keeping all my characters real. And you'll definitely be finding more about Will soon! =D The chapters are in alternating PoV. Chapter two is already in queue, so hopefully it'll be up soon. Thanks so much for your wonderful review!