What happened to the child. Did it die the same day as Hermione?
Sounded like the day his parents died and he lived all over again except the child died this time.
Aw! It was so sad (and short) Did Hermione and Harry had a kid?
Well, this is a sad beginning. I really have a little idea what the next chapter would be like. I think Harry's age is almost 30 right now. Maybe, Ron will come to check Harry. Try to move Harry's life better. Well, i don't know either if Harry is in a “good condition” after all that happen to Hermione. Or this is a flashback story. I don't know. Hopefully, you can update soon.
You were brave, venturing into this right before Deathly Hallows came out! Good job, too.
I'm going to concentrate on your first paragraph. There are a lot of things I liked and a few things that might be adjusted.
You have a great opening sentence:
Harry was lying on the floor, the hardwood rubbing against his bleeding face.
It immediately sets up a feeling of danger, a battle or something similar -- something difficult, since Harry's bleeding on the ground. And it’s painful, since he’s already bleeding and now his face is rubbing on a hard floor. Ow.
He had killed Voldemort with the power of his mother’s love, which had sent him into a pile of spewing dust and ashes that had scattered over the dirty floor.
I'm assuming you meant that Voldemort was "sent into a pile of spewing dust" -- turned into dust? Because it also sounds like Harry got knocked over by love-power that killed Voldemort. You might want to replace the "him" with the appropriate name, just to clarify it a bit. You could also add a bit about how exactly the love-power worked, if you want to.
His breathing was still irregular from the exhaust of the threat of death, but was finally evening out.
I know that "evening" is word, and it is probably spelled this way, but I have to say that it looks like you mean "evening" in terms of the time of day. Also, "exhaust" isn't a noun -- "exhaustion" is probably the better form for this phrase.
You could rearrange it a little: "His breathing was finally slowing down, after the exhaustion brought on by the threat of death."
This would help the flow a bit, too, by taking out a few connecting words and leaving just the main part in. (Although – I must also note that I tend to think of an exhausted person breathing more slowly than normal – but that's up to you.)
It was done; he had killed Lord Voldemort, the wizard that everyone had feared. He had hunted the Horcruxes that were unknown to everyone else in his world and finally destroyed Voldemort.
This part seems a little clunky. I think there’s a couple of reasons -- because you talk about "everyone" twice and the repetition slows things down a little, and because there’s an odd phrase tacked on to the Horcruxes part. Actually, I think you could combine these sentences for greater impact.
There are five basic things you’re saying here:
- It was done
- He had killed Lord Voldemort
- Voldemort was feared by everyone
- Harry hunted Horcruxes
- No one else knew about the Horcruxes
For instance, you could say something like: “It was done. He had hunted the Horcruxes, though the world was unaware of them, and finally destroyed the feared Lord Voldemort.”
Argh. I know what you’re trying to say, and I’m trying to say it for you, but I don’t like what I said! Anyway, it’s a bit easier to read.
You said twice that Harry had killed/destroyed Voldemort; I took one out for length. I also changed it so that just “the world” was unaware of the Horcruxes, as opposed to “everyone else in his world”, because it doesn’t take Ron and Hermione into account. It’s a small detail, but I think it makes a difference.
Suddenly, a gust of wind blew by him, hitting his face. He realised that his wife was in trouble upstairs–with several Death Eaters.
Again, I know what you’re doing here, but it doesn’t quite connect. Harry’s thinking about how he’s just killed Voldemort, and then the wind blows, and then he realises that Hermione’s upstairs and in trouble.
I think you want the wind to either foreshadow or go with his realisation. The way it’s written here is a little disconnected. I’d suggest sticking the parts together a little more:
“As a sudden gust of wind hit him in the face, he realised that his wife was alone upstairs – with five Death Eaters.”
First, I put the phrases together so that the wind really does go with the realisation. I gave the Death Eaters a number, because it just sounds more frightening than “several”. I took out the “trouble” because it didn’t sound strong enough to me. And I put in “alone” so that it would sound more frightening.
Okay, enough with that one paragraph Here’s something else that’s really good.
A year passed by Harry as he lived alone….
It seems to imply that Harry simply lives, and time goes by without his notice. It’s a great way of showing that he isn’t quite in the real world – cut out, I suppose, by his grief.
This, from the next part, I really like.
He was afraid to open them; afraid of the misery that would never stop if he revealed what was inside of them unopened boxes.
It’s a great shot into Harry’s mindset. He wants to, but just looking at them brings back so many memories and so much sadness that he’s afraid he’ll just get depressed if he looks inside.
The part with all the graves was sad, but sweet. It was interesting how you gave a little snapshot of each one. I think you put in a bit more backstory than you really needed (such as the part about how Remus had taught at Hogwarts for only one year, but had been a werewolf for a while).
It made me smile that Harry’s memory of McGonagall is being caught at midnight. I have to say, however, that I don’t think she took points from them for Draco’s sake. I think she was already upset because she’d caught both Draco and Neville already, but it wasn’t because of Malfoy that she was really harsh.
I have a slightly unrelated question – was this part written from the movies, or from the books? Because in the books, it was Harry, Hermione, and Neville who lost fifty points each, and that was because they’d been helping Hagrid get rid of Norbert, the illegal dragon. I don’t know if it makes a difference, really, but it did confuse me a little.
Harry missed her memorable red curls, colorful clothing, and kindness she had always shown for him. He missed her well-known, screeching yell that always pierced the air whenever one of her children was in a fit of mischief.
Hee. It’s cute that this is what he remembers and loves about Molly – her motherliness. Annoying at the time, it shows up as the best memory of who she was to him and to his friends.
Harry distinctly remembered pulling Ron away from his mother’s piercing screams as she was being tortured to death.
Why did Harry drag Ron away, instead of both of them going to help her? It seems very unlike Harry’s usual instincts, especially when it comes to people he loves.
He and Neville had connected and grown closer friends after graduating Hogwarts together. For that reason, they each had a fifty-fifty chance of becoming the “Chosen One” when they were born.
It’s cool that Harry and Neville became better friends after Hogwarts. I’ve recently discovered a lot about Neville that makes me like him a lot. However, you say that he and Harry each had a fifty-fifty chance of being the “Chosen One” at birth because they were friends after school, which doesn’t make sense. It’s pretty simple to fix, though – just rearrange the sentences.
And Hermione! The roses are sweet. Is this Harry’s first Christmas without her? You mention that he puts flowers on her grave “every Christmas”, but this is only one year after her death.
Question: By my count, Hermione died at age 21. (By the way, good job at using her “real” birthdate!). She and Harry married “after they graduated”, so she might have been 18 or 19. They “conceived a child soon after they were married.” So she was probably pregnant around 19-20. Did the child die? Was she still supposed to be pregnant when she died? If the latter, you might want to modify the timeline a very little. If the former, you should probably make a note of that.
I like that there was, at one point, a child. It makes Harry’s grief all the greater and adds another level of sadness to the story. Not only did Harry’s wife and friends die, but the children he might have had died with her.
He had heard her pleading cries, but she crumpled under the Killing Curse. Harry had still never forgiven himself after that day.
I don’t know if Hermione would have pleaded for her life. As a rule, she holds up amazingly under pressure. But this is one of those things that’s a little fuzzier, so it won’t be a huge deal if you leave it.
The part about Harry not forgiving himself is good. It seems very Harry-like to take on the responsibility for her death, to blame himself for not being there even though he couldn’t help it. I suggest that you might talk about this earlier, because Harry’s guilt would change the way he looks at everything. I think it might make things darker than you’ve written them. That, however, would change the whole tone of the story, if you were to write in all the bitterness that might follow – or you could write about how Harry learns to forgive himself.
Sorry – that was quite the tangent. Still, it’s an interesting set of ideas. I would not have realised how bad Harry would feel about not being able to prevent Hermione’s death. And the ending is very sweet, with the wedding photo.
I hope I didn’t give you the wrong impression by pulling everything to pieces. I can really tell where you’re going in all of this, and it’s a great direction. You’ve got a lot of great stuff going on; sometimes the way you say it is a little awkward, but the substance is really good. Keep writing!
Author's Response: Wow, that was definitely telling me your heart and soul. Sorry, I didn't get back to you as soon as I could have. We had massive storms and tornado warnings for where I live, and I had to shut down the computer. But anyways, thanks for such a detailed response. Tell me, why would I have gotten the wrong impression??? As a writer, you have to be open for people who are going to come in and rip your work to pieces and pick out the details, so that it fits (not that you did -- you did it a very modified way of what I just explained). But every author and writer should be ready for the paper with red pen all over it. I'm writing a book now, and to be honest, I DO LOVE to edit through all of my work. My mentor makes the suggestions and marks, and I go back and fix them. It's a great way to do things. Thanks for, in quote of myself, "ripping" my work out and picking the little details out. It helped a bunch, and I will get to it when I find time! Thanks again! Peace, Cutiepoet
And their son? was it killed too?? :O
Author's Response: Yes, I had to kill their son as well. Sorry!
i loved it. it actually made me cry. keep writing
Author's Response: I LOVE the double click! Keep reading, and thanks for your support! Watch for a novel coming out in the next year by Abby K. That's me, and I'm working hard!
i loved it. it actually made me cry. keep writing