MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
07/14/07 5:55 · For:
I enjoyed reading this story. You managed to introduce an original character into the canon environment in such a short story, which is not easy to do. A strange sideways glance at the Order... interesting.
Name: Just Tink
Also, the story doesn't seem to be cut off at the end either. This usually happens in one-shots: the plot is a quite dynamic one, but you tied it up masterfully at the end. I like the suspense.
One thing you might want to work on is the emotional situations. The transition between the emotions, and the way one sentence doesn't conform with the other disturbed me; I felt that it disrupts the flow. For example:
Alexandra wiped her tears away. She understood her feelings towards Theodore now. She was not a silly seventeen-year-old girl. She was fully capable of handling Theodore’s words now. She knew what she would do next time she saw him.
She turned to Hermione. “I want to get out of here as soon as possible,” she said happily. “I’m going to find any way I can to get in touch with Theodore.”
The problem is "happily". One would expect Alexandra to be determined, for example, or hopeful; not happy. What I'm trying to say is that you jump to the next emotion without touching the way the emotions change. Another example:
Alexandra felt hope shine in her chest. The odds weren’t against her, after all! Alexandra was right; she knew her friend, and there was no way he could be a Death Eater.
“Listen, Theodore.” Alexandra felt frantic; she knew she had to get her idea to Theodore now.
One moment, hope shines in her chest; the next, she's frantic. The problem is, the way you give these emotions is quite powerful. Both of these feelings are justified, are appropriate to and expected in the situation at hand, but both of them are very strong and there is no transition between them. That's why it seems rather odd. Of course sudden changes of emotion do occur, but the way you tell this is important. I'd suggest either making one of these two emotions weaker, or arranging the second sentence in a way which would justify the sudden transition from being hopeful to being frantic. I hope I'm able to tell my point.
Secondly, please don't think that I'm being rude, but I don't think that the very last part, the resolution, is nice. It's probably just me... but maybe, if you'd have given glimpses of the love that the reader will learn about right to the end, it would work better. Because until the last paragraph, Alexandra's hopes to reach Theodore are based on nothing more than friendship. I think this is why I found Nott's real feelings being introduced at the end, forgive me for saying, quite cliché. I just think that it's be nicer if you'd leave it completely on friendship, or make the reader think throughout the story that something other than friendship may, and probably will, spring up between them.
I hope I haven't been too critical. My points are probably too personal anyway. But I honestly did enjoy this story, and the way you write.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for such a well-thought out review! Looking back, I realize you are absolutely right on all of your thoughts. I do switch emotions quickly, and Nott's love for Alexandra was sudden with no hints. You were not rude at all, you have certainly helped me realize that I need to work on progressing slowly and not jumping from place to place. Thanks so much, Ayse!
(Signed) · Date:
06/25/07 10:12 · For:
excellent! The memories were very well done- it's good that you mixed the bad memories with the good. I was a little suprised that the dress robes were such a powerful memory, but I suppose she just really loved her father. Loved Nott... good luck!
Author's Response: I initially had Christmas shopping with her dad as the memory, but somehow it came down to the dress robe thing. Trust me, I have absolutely no idea how. I'm glad you realize she loved her dad a lot, I was worried about that not being clear. Nott's characterization was good? I'm glad to hear that! Thanks so much for this review!