Happy birthday Hermione. Trust Dumbledore to tell a story instead of just getting to the point.
The description Hermione is imagining is very well done. I have no trouble picturing either person. Reading it from Hermione’s imagination, with helpful nudges from Dumbledore made this so much better than if you had just let Dumbledore tell the story. Excellent job.
Very nice touch with the badly cast memory charm, though why it would be cast during a fight, I don’t know, but it works well for the story.
Oh my God! The pieces of the prophecy point to the ‘kids’ doesn’t it? Six of them, Harry, Ron, Hermione, whoa, what? Draco Malfoy?
O.K. if you say so… I have to believe it and hope like hell that you know what you are doing.
Even with the shocks you just handed to me, I really love this story. I am curious to know where you are going with it, so rest assured I will be back to read every time it updates, and I will try to leave more coherent reviews than this one. Thank you for the side trip down a winding road into an Alternate Universe; it has been an adventure so far. See you at the update…
Author's Response: God, what's wrong with my computer? Why does it keep on killing my replies? Anyway, I'm pleased you like the description, as I prefer writing dialogue and tend to miss out on describing things because I can't do it. The meomory charm is just because I thought all people ever did was stun/avada kerdavra each other. I think it's more realistic having lots of spells going everywhere, because you just cast the first spell that comes into your head. Just to clarify: Draco will not be turning into a fluffy bunny. Nor will he get together with Hermione (not a fan of Dramione). I don't actually like him at all, but things just turned out that way. I hope I know what I'm doing. Let us pray. I'm really pleased you like my story, and I'm honored by your praises. Chapter 6 is in the queue!
I have already reviewed this chapter once, but this one will be more in depth, and running as I read again.
I take it you have read Quidditch Through the Ages? Of course what self respecting Ravenclaw hasn’t? lol
I have on small criticism, AU or not, I really don’t think Voldemort and Barty would be discussing hair dyeing before they talked about what took him so long. And probably not even after Barty explained himself.
“Spitathon?” Oh, that is just too funny!
None of the Six? Ummm, what?
Voldemort seems very cheerful in this story, and I am having just a bit of trouble adjusting to that. Not to say the writing of it isn’t great, just hard to get used to a laughing Voldemort.
Not to be critical, but why would Barty draw his wand twice? I would think he never put it away after unlocking the door. Excellent chapter and I am glad I re-read it for this review. I missed a few points the first time through.
I have to apologize for my spotty R/R’s I haven’t been able to spend as much time as I would like over the last few days reading, so accordingly, no reviews. Hopefully I will be able to catch up with you soon. See you at the next one…
Author's Response: Yep, I've read Quidditch Through the Ages. I know the hair dying is quite random, but I wanted to get across quite early that he'd changed his hair colour (it's not important to the plot or anything, but it matters to me) and I'm already trying to chage it. I think Bella will say it instead, but it's difficult changing conversations because they flow from one subject to the next. But it will happen (probably next time I get stuck on a chapter). Hmm... I know Voldie seems a bit OOC. I think I'll go back and give him a particular reason to be happy - like someone's just died or the like. BCJr puts his wand away because he is completely mad. He's got a relaxed attitude to danger because he's seen so much of it. Bye!
All right, I am back for a bit, and I hope to get through a couple of more chapters before I have to leave again.
Firstly, did McGonagall open the barrier for the incoming Order members? In CoS the barrier, I know it was Dobby but it was sealed at eleven o’clock. I always thought you couldn’t get through at any other time than when the train was scheduled for a school run. Just a thought. So was it the ‘cash machine’ that was the portkey or something else? That was a great way to the castle though. Not having the long journey on the train for a single individual each time.
It does seem a little strange for the castle to be headquarters. And I really can’t wait to see who all of them are, and what happened to Ambrina Wardo.
Leaving the fate her parents had in store for her, and walking headlong into it on her own. That is irony!
The discussion with McGonagall was a strange one, and I am still trying to figure out why she would write a note for Cho to give Moore and then take her to him. Oh, well that would explain it. He’s not there yet.
I am looking forward to delving further into this new character. He, (you) in just a small portion of this, has managed to capture and hold my attention. I am on to the next now, but first, excellent job on the chapter. I did notice a few mistakes, but they didn’t detract from the overall. See you in a bit.
Author's Response: Yep, the barrier was opened until the first of September, then it closed (like the ticket expiring). The idea of a cash machine being a transportery thing just came to me. It just magically appeared inside my head... I know Hogwarts is a bit odd to have as the Headquarters, but it's ideal - you have lots of places for people to eat, sleep etc and it has a lot of protection already. I only realised how ironic it was for Cho to walk out only to end up being a nurse after I'd written it. Her being a nurse for the Order and her parents pressurizing her into being a Healer were decided seperately. Poor Cho, I am so cruel to her. The note and the disscusion have many reasons behind them. That's all I'm going to say! And I'm glad you like Rob Moore, because he's going to be around quite a bit. And I like him too. Thanks for the brill review...[huggles]!
Don’t like Cho, never have, never will. That being said, I do like to see the way other authors take on the characterizations of lesser characters. Let’s see how you do…
Law thirty-five of Girl World? Seriously?
Flashbacks are real? The girls really did turn on her? Typical.
Offering membership to the Order, instead of going back to school, that is priceless.
You have written one of my most peevish pet peeves. Parents should listen to their children. From birth, they have wants and desires. Naturally, at that age it is food, sleep, and clean diapers, but they still know what they want. I have two children, and no matter the occasion, I always take their wants into consideration. They have to live the life they choose. I can’t live it for them.
She stormed out, a la Harry in PoA, hilarious. Where did Stan’s spiel come from?
You did a good job with her and I don’t dislike her as much in your story. As long as she doesn’t act like she did in OotP, I can deal with her.
See you at the next… tomorrow…
Author's Response: What's wrong with my computer? It keeps on ignoring my responses to your lovely reviews! Basically: I love writing minor characters, as there is more oppurtunity to play around with them. I don't see what Cho's done to be despised by everyone, so I thought I'd write a story that didn't show her as a mean, attention-seaking Plastic. And she's hard but fun to write. I am completely serious about Girl-World rules. They do exsist, but i pay no attention to them! The flashbacks ARE real. I was originally going to have Chapter 2 being Chapter 1 from Cho's perspective, but I decided just to have flash-backs or it would get boring. I agree about parents. That's why this chapter is here. If you hadn't had control-freak parents, she would have just gone to the Order with no fuss or bother. I think Stan must OCCASIONALLY change his 'Welcome to the Knight Bus' routine, otherwise life would become a bit boring for him. Hope you like Chapter 3!
All right, from the beginning this time. I would like to point out, I write running reviews. While I read, I write down my thoughts and then post at the end of each chapter, sometimes two chapters, if they are short.
Watching from the stands is a POV I haven’t read before. Interesting.
Hermione and Ron never could leave Harry to the mercy of others, and it is just like Dumbledore to allow them to follow.
Now we go into the realm of AU, why oh why would Harry or Ron drop their wands? Everyone else might, but neither of them would allow someone to hurt Hermione while there was a chance of saving her. Even a stunner at her would’ve worked. She becomes dead weight, and Crouch has to let her drop. And where did the broomstick come from?
Now that I have accepted this as an AU fic, I will say, great job! I am looking forward to the next chapter, which I am heading to right now…
Author's Response: I did write you a very long answer, but it got lost in Cyberspace. So, I'll adress the most important issues. With regards to the Ron and Harry dropping their wands: they did so VERY RELUCTANTLY (I did say so) because they are so concerned about Hermione's safety. They don't want to be risking her life because they like her so much. They don't know non-verbal spells yet, and BCJr is dangerous at the best of times. Would he hesitate to kill Hermione if they didn't do what he said. For all his faults, he's a brilliant spell-caster, and could very easily deflect their spells. So I personally think yes, they would drop their wands, because they don't want Hermione to die. Yes, I know. The broom is random, but I had to have BCJr jumping out of a window onto a broom because it illustrates his character so well. I thought up many ways for the broom to get there, but in the end I decided it was better just to carry on with the plot rather than give the broom's back-story. Thank you for reviwing!
I came here because I saw it in the Ravenclaw Review Tag, I will most assuredly come back very soon to read from the beginning.
Wonderful writing, and even though I only read one chapter, and it wasn't even the first one, I am hooked.
I will be back soon I promise!
Author's Response: Thanks! I love to know my fellow Ravenclaws are also enjoying my story! It's a good idea to read the whole story in order, as the plot is pretty complex and will be getting more so. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I can't take it! My pea brain is overwhelmed!!!!!!!! I'm not called trollus for nothing- how do you expect me to cope with this? JE NE COMPREND PAS!!!!!!!!!!
Author's Response: I've explained it the best I can. :( Errm... Can anyone else help?
Noo! I want to know what happens next! Update soon! :D I really liked this chapter! Such a great idea! This is really original, and I really like seeing from Hermione's perspective. This plot is really interesting, the twists are so unexpected! I say again, please update soon!
Author's Response: The next chapter will be coming your way shortly!
Oops, I meant film four. Sorry. It's not my fault I have a memory like a sieve!
Author's Response: Tut tut tut!
MUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!!! THE SUSPENSE!!!!!!!! I've checked every day to see if it's finished, and now it is. The whole son-swapping thing is... interesting, but I'm glad it happened because now Harry can lose centre stage. The Malfoys are a cool family, they're some of the few death-eaters that I can stand. (Apart from BCJ) The riddle is cool, I like riddles. But not Tom Riddle. Cassandra Trelawney looks like another w.i.t.c.h we've encountered. Oh, and thanks for Lupin, that's two out of three. And this seems like an appropriate moment for an Albus chorus. Come on, say it with me; one, two, three, Aaaalbuuuus! (Watch film three, listen to Karkaroff.)
Author's Response: Glad you make an exception for the rougueish (but strangely attractive) BCJr. I find it difficult to write explaination scenes and keep them interesting (that's why I added the flash backs). I actually forgot about Lupin being one of your favourites, so he got in on his own merits! Now: AAAAAAAAAAALLLLLBBBBBUUUSSS!!!!!!
Ooh, an AU with a very interesting premise. I love stories that show the complexity of relationships between very different characters, and Cho and Hermione are different enough that their interaction is sure to be complex and fascinating. Great job setting up the beginning, with Crouch’s escape; I can’t wait to see how it’s going to be a catalyst for future events and character interactions.
One general, syntactical comment: pay attention to your sentence structure. It’s very easy, especially when writing action, to fall into a sentence pattern, using the same sentence structure over and over. You tend to write short sentences, starting with the subject and following with the verb. “Ron grunted… Hermione drummed… The crowd was… Everybody was… People kept…” When all your sentences sound the same, the reader doesn’t have to pay as close attention. If you vary sentence lengths, and play around with different sentence structures, it forces the reader to pay attention, and keeps the narrative moving. This was only really an issue in the narrative, though – your dialogue is excellent.
A few minor nitpicks:
Hermione felt a brush tickle her cheeks. He was standing up for her. Should this be “a blush”?
“Now Barty Crouch,” he said, “tell us exactly what you are doing at Hogwarts pretending to be Alastor moody. A couple things: first of all, you need a comma between “now” and “Barty.” It struck me as slightly odd, for Dumbledore to address him with his full name, rather than simply “Barty,” “Bartemius,” or even “Mr. Crouch”.
And an unconscious Barty Crouch, who seemed to have got concussion from his fall, with Professor McGonagall guarding him. The middle should read, “who seemed to have gotten”.
One other nitpick, non-grammatical this time: at the very end of the chapter, you change abruptly into Harry’s POV, although it’s been first person limited from Hermione’s since the beginning. There is, of course, no rule against changing perspectives, even mid-chapter, as long as you’re aware of it and are doing it for a reason. But if you’re going to tell the rest of the story from Hermione’s POV (or even Hermione’s and Cho’s), you might want to consider whether you really want Harry to make a cameo appearance.
I’m being dreadfully nitpicky, but I think you’re off to a nice beginning for what looks like a very interesting story; on to the next chapter, and I can’t wait to see what you do with Cho, and with whatever comparison you make/interaction you have between her and Hermione.
Author's Response: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for that fab (and groovily long) review. You picked out points which I will fix, and it's useful to have someone who picks out flaws. It may take me some time to re-write as at the moment I am busy writing Chapter 6! Thanks for reading and reviewing!
I must say I didn't enjoy this chapter as much as the ones about Cho. Though it is cool in a lot of ways, the characterization just doesn't work for me. For example, I can't see Voldie being that close to anyone and I always saw BCJr and Bella as more... crazy. Though the two latter are just a matter of opinion, I think. Otherwise, though, the plot seems to be progressing beautifully and the suspense is really building up wonderfully! I hope the next chap is validated soon!
Author's Response: I wrote you a nice long reply which got lost in Cyberspace. :( Let's try again..... I always think Voldie is a bit boring in the books, and is a bit of (well, actually, a complete) cliche. So, I thought ---- 'Well, we never see Voldie talking to someone he....well not likes, exactly, but trusts, and BCJr has quite winning ways, despite his insanity (and I think digging into Azkaban is quite a mad thing to do) and is quite a fast talker. So, where was I? Oh yes, we never see Voldie talking to someone who he thinks is.....not below him. Bella only made a very brief appearance because I suddenly made up some plot later on (the story keeps changing as I get better and better ideas) which needed her out of Azkaban. So I was just making it up on the spot. But the evil dudes and divas for a few chapters so at the mo I'm worrying more about my characterization of Hermy, Cho and Rob Moore!
Author's Response: I wrote you a nice long reply which got lost in Cyberspace. :( Let's try again..... I always think Voldie is a bit boring in the books, and is a bit of (well, actually, a complete) cliche. So, I thought ---- 'Well, we never see Voldie talking to someone he....well not likes, exactly, but trusts, and BCJr has quite winning ways, despite his insanity (and I think digging into Azkaban is quite a mad thing to do) and is quite a fast talker. So, where was I? Oh yes, we never see Voldie talking to someone who he thinks is.....not below him. Bella only made a very brief appearance because I suddenly made up some plot later on (the story keeps changing as I get better and better ideas) which needed her out of Azkaban. So I was just making it up on the spot. But most of the evil dudes and divas aren't making an appearance for a few chapters so at the mo I'm worrying more about my characterization of Hermy, Cho and Rob Moore!
Poor Cho. But I guess this is at least something worth fighting for. I can't wait to see how her first day goes! I love the way you characterize her! So real, but so much more than canon ever shows! I really want to read more soon! This is a really original and very good AU!
Author's Response: Thank you for your HUGE compliments! Cho is a very difficult character to write. She seems to either lean to the 'angsty' or 'Miss Perfect' sides. He first day (which is coming up in either Chapters 7 or 8) is quite interesting. Glad to see you think the Cho thread is running smoothly!
I am quite interested to know what Voldemort has planned. What it is he wants Crouch to get after he finishes breaking the two out of Azkaban.
Also, if there is possibly more than you are telling us about the future relationship of Barty & Bella.
You had my interest from the start. I am anxiously waiting for your next chap to be validated.
Author's Response: You'll find out what Moldie Voldie is planning VERY soon. As to BCJr and Bella, they have a very 'mother and child' relationship. She looked after him once he'd joined the DEs, because he was only just out of school when he signed up. I am writing as fast as I can (which is not very - I am a slow writer) to get the next chapter to you soon.
i really hate cho. i keep having this insane urge to strangle her. it's really not good at all. and also, you're being disrespectful to mcconalgal! remeber the charging desks?
Author's Response: Me, disrespectful to McGonagall? NEVER! (But bear in mind I did write this chapter before DH came out.
wow loving this new side of voldy voldy voldermort. if that's who 'the master' is? we shall see. oh and thanks for dedicating the chapter to us! nice to see you here jo!
Author's Response: Yeah I know, I was just kind of -Ok, let's make Voldie a bit more intresting. I hope he still seemed like the Dark Dude though, I mean I don't want him to be tooooooo softie!
Robert Moore is a very cool character, I hope he pops up again soon. I can't stand Cho, but you've made her more bearable, almost likeable. Well done that girl!
ps: please can you put Moody in again?
Author's Response: ALMOST? I'm doing my best, but she's hard to write-Hermione, BCJR and Rob Moore are much easier. I put Moody in there to please you, and I think he'll waltz in again, but don't quote me on that!
Wow! Chapter 4 is finally here, and I'm the first to review it. Go BCJ! Glad he changed his hair. You must get on and write 5, I WANT TO READ IT!
Author's Response: Yees! Blond hair=no no!
Heya Pheobe! Glad to have read your story at last. It's amazing! Once again, I am proud of you! I like it, although i'm still not convinced about Cho. You're wrong, the second chapter isn't rubbish. Now write another chapter girl!
Author's Response: I spent about two hours last night outlining the whole story! I'm going to start the third chapter tonight!
in the summary, do you mean cho hated her "colleagues"? (not colleges!)
Author's Response: Yeah, I can't spell!