That was cool. Believe it or not, I've only thought about Tonks' true form when I read fanfics. Other times, I just think of the pink hair. You gave a nice description; it was very believable. I'm sure she feels awkward letting people behind the shield she made for herself. Like you said, her shield reminds her that she's not like her relatives. Very good job. :D
Author's Response: thank you! It occured to me while reading HBP that Tonks might have a literal mask where us muggles just mask our feelings. Thanks for the review! :P
Aww, that's sweet. Nice job! =) --RP/Kate
Author's Response: Thank you!
Whee! I adore Remus/Tonks stories (which is why I keep writing them)! This one is excellent.
You had me at the first paragraph –great job. It’s not so much that it seizes the reader, but it’s descriptive and inviting (I think that has to do with the word “warm”, actually) and draws the reader in.
I have what may sound like a really strange comment: your grammar (mostly your comma use) is a little messy, but the mistakes make me excited – it shows that you have so much talent in storytelling despite the grammar issues. Does that make sense?
So here’s some examples of Comma Misusage:
Two people of most different characters, one in her early twenties with shocking pink hair spiked, and in messy robes that had a jagged rip on her knee where she had unwittingly fallen earlier that day, the other was a man in his mid-thirties that had shabby, but immaculate clothes.
The content – description, imagery – is great, but it’s one long run-on sentence. The first part about “different characters” doesn’t go with the rest, about appearances. And “…that day, the other…” reads as if that should be a period. Like so:
Two people of most different characters. One was in her early twenties with shocking pink hair, spiked, and in messy robes that had a jagged rip on her knee where she had unwittingly fallen earlier that day. The other was a man in his mid-thirties who had shabby, but immaculate clothes.
I also added “was” in the first sentence and a comma in “pink hair, spiked”; and I changed “that” to “who” in the last sentence.
I’d actually recommend splitting the first sentence again; it’s pretty long and descriptive for one. Sometimes the adjectives can blur, if you put too many in once place. I would highly recommend getting a beta-reader, PI-accredited, if possible (check the Mugglenet Forums under “The Beta Guild”), just to clean up some of this stuff.
Love the characterisation!
Tonks couldn’t take it any longer. She howled.
“Of course,” Remus said, “but this is a rather personal question.” The adding hastily, “I’ll understand if you don’t wish to tell me…”
She’s young and extremely enthusiastic; Remus has a sense of humour, but is more hesitant and cautious than she.
Then she fell of the couch….
This should be “off”, not “of”.
Tonks gasped for air while laughing a fit to kill
The phrase is usually “fit to kill”, without the “a”.
She laughed heartily until she choked with silent laughter.
Earlier, she was howling, and now she’s silent. You might want to say that her laughter became silent, or just that she “choked with laughter”.
Tonks pretending to faint is great. Poor Remus – but it’s quite funny!
Tonks sat back down (whispering reparo to everything that she broke, and making more tea for the both of them).
I think this should be “that she had broken”, but I love this detail! It adds another bit of convincing-ness to the scene (if “convincing-ness” is a word).
“Of course,” Remus said, “but this is a rather personal question.” The adding hastily .…”
This might look better as “He added hastily….”
“Blasted, where is my wand?”
This exclamation isn’t incredibly common where I’m from, but I think it’s usually “Blast it” or just “Blast”. I do like your very British choice, though!
Remus after a long period of silence and sipping tea,/i>
There should be another comma in “Remus, after”.
Remus felt a sense of apprehension from Tonks.
Two things: One, this is a little ambiguous-sounding. “Remus felt a sense of apprehension” seems to indicate that Remus is apprehensive; then “from Tonks” makes it clear after the fact. The second thing is that Tonks sounded “good-natured” in the last paragraph, which conflicts with the apprehension. So you might want to try something like:
Remus sensed that Tonks was apprehensive, despite her friendly tone. That covers both parts.
She looked up into his eyes, brown like amber or melted sugar. Those eyes were what had struck her first about him, the quiet sadness about him only hinted at in the eyes. Now, they were full of care and concern.
Eeeee! Ahem. Sorry. Love it! Description, his feelings, her feelings, and hits of future involvement all in one! Fantastic!
I like the way you’ve portrayed Tonks’s true appearance as a special secret. After all, if you went about wearing a different face every day, to show your own might be rather shocking. And I compliment you on linking her to the Black family (perfectly plausible, and adds emotion, too).
forgetting what it was like to breath.
This should be “breathe”.
The funny thing was her face was almost…well, it was plain, but it was beyond plain. You could pass her on the street and never notice. It was as if she did not have a face.
Ooh, chilling! An odd detail to throw in – it doesn’t seem to match the rest of the story, but it’s interesting nonetheless. I like it, though I’m not sure why.
But in this moment of truth, and moment of acceptance, she felt her heart have the faintest flutter.
Wow. The whole final paragraph is wonderful. It’s sweet without being sappy, and it’s got truth in it – everyone hides themselves to some extent. It’s perfect that Tonks’s way is to conceal her entire physical self.
I hope I wasn’t too critical, because this story is marvelous! I look forward to seeing more of your work!
Author's Response: Not at all, thank you for the cc. English, being my second language (I learned Spanish first, but I learned english quite young. I still speak with a slight accent.) I occasionally make small errors like such as you had mentioned. I will do my best to correct them. Thank you for your review.
Author's Response: I forgot to add. I didn't think that her not having a face chilling, but when you but it that way... It's is nice to have your perpesctive. Thanks again
Nice and sweet - like a prelude to their budding romance. - Nice indeed.
Author's Response: That's exactly what I wanted to portray. Thanks for the reveiw!
Aaaw! So lovely!
Author's Response: Thanks! :)
I liked it. Very well written.
Author's Response: Thanks :)!
I liked this story very much. The ending was poignant, and it was as if I was watching the whole story from my screen. Very well written!
Author's Response: Thank you for the review! I like to make things like you're right there, I'm glad I got that across.