First off, I especially adored the voice and character you gave the teenage version of McGonagol. After reading the author's note, I was a little fearful for her characterisation, but I thought it was perfect. Minerva still retained that serious no-nonsense attitude, but in a more mild way since she was a teenager. Also, I must mention the slang and sayings that were native to the era fit quite nicely.
My name’s quite a mouthful, I know. But I’m most proud of it.
To make it flow better, this should be one sentence. Instead of a full stop, there should be a comma.
“Prefect, eh? Must be tough coping up with the duties. But I can’t blame you, I guess. Being a prefect had always been your dream...”
The 'up' shouldn't be there.
It was true; being a prefect had been my dream and my friends used to tease the skin out of me for that.
First off, I love the expression. It's very fitting for Minerva's dialogue and the way she thinks. Also, there should be a comma after dream.
Rubbing my tummy contently after dinner, I kept silent till Professor Dippet (that’s our headmaster, by the way; a fine one, too) stood up and commanded silence.
There's a small Canon capitalisation error here. Headmaster is always capitalised.
I, on the other hand, frowned. I hated that nickname and I thought Professor Dumbledore certainly deserved much more respect than he was getting as the Head of Gryffindor House.
I'm afraid you have a contradiction here. In this paragraph Minerva says she hates the nickname 'Dumbles,' however only a few paragraphs above where she's writing about how she's always respected people who step into responsibility without whining about it, Minerva refers to Dumbledore as 'Dear old Dumbles.'
Also, there should be a comma after nickname. (In case you haven't noticed, I'm a comma freak. >_>)
“That’s pretty cruel,” Walter breathed heatedly.
“Will you stop your blabbering and listen? It will do you good to know the rules and keep out of trouble for once!” I murmured crossly under my breath.
“Fine, prefect!” she crossed her arms over her chest and grinned at me.
Here, it seems that Minerva is chiding Walter in particular with this comment and in the process calling him a trouble-maker. Well, if he's a prefect, doesn't this pose a slight problem?
Alright, I don’t exactly love you.
All right should be written as two words.
Also, I really like the written argument-like thing at the end about signing off as 'Love, Minerva.' It really adds character to the younger Minerva. Also, it was probably one of my favourite things about the chapter.
Overall, this was a wonderful first chapter, and it really hooks the reader. Especially the end comparison with the current Minerva reading her old entry and reflecting on her current situation versus her teenage one. It really added a lot. Perfect!
OK, THIS.....IS......AWESOME!!! I've always wanted to read Minnie McGee's school days. lol, but if you put her on the Quidditch team, you're getting a little out of line, even if the books say she likes it.
Author's Response: :) Oh no, she's definitely not going in the Quidditch team. Though I can't say she will mind!;)