Oh! Lily was so little and sweet, and poking fun at her like that was so pointless--it wasn't even really funny, not even by Slytherin standards. The line borrowed from Zabini was a nice touch, but what really got me was how well you carried off James' traditional confidence and boisterousness while changing the very core of the character.
I do wish you'd made them a bit older, though. Eleven seems a bit young for Lily to have a crush, and James was cruel enough that a Lily two or three years older might have cried too, though not in the same helpless little girl way.
Author's Response: You know, now that I think of it I really should have made them older. Ah well, it was a very spur of the moment, last minute challenge fic. I'm glad you liked James' character, I know he is OOC to the max, ha. Thank you for the review.
Oh my gosh am I glad Potter ended up in Gryffindor.
Author's Response: That makes two of us haha!
*is mad at James*
*even though he's just a Slytherin*
*singing* AWK-WARD! The characters...Idunno, it was hard reading them like this. James hating Sirius and whatnot. You did, however, once again, portray the emotions excellently. *stares at beautiful banner* A wonderful, weird, dark, guilty story!~
Author's Response: Ooh, yes, this story is very very OOC. Ick. Your review is actually the most positive I've ever received on this one-shot. But thank you for the compliment and seeing that there is actually something more to this story than just the strange turn of events. And isn't the banner beautiful? *stares*
u md me cry. how mean of wittle jamsie. Anywho I like the flowage its a very flowyy story nice.
Author's Response: Lol, thanks.
Wow, that was cold.
Author's Response: Haha, yup.
Well... The only thing I can say is that the whole time all I could think about was this sounded like a young Snape, but with a little more back bone. It wasn't my favorite fan fic but it was ok.
Author's Response: Well, thanks for reviewing!
Eeek. James calling Lily a mudblood! Though I hope that in later years James would still realize what's right and what's wrong (even as a Slytherin) I can definitely see his first year being like this had he sorted there. I don't really think his upbringing matches canon exactly, but other than that this was a very interesting take on Slytherin!James!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review!
Yes, but I think, as it is only his first year, he was having to go through all of the stereotyping of being a Slytherin, and learning what the older students expected of him. This is why he would always look to Lucious before making a decision...
That was a good challenge prompt. I could sort of tell you hadn't put quite as much work into this story as you have into some of your others. It could use some polishing in places. For example small things like using 'scarlet' twice in adjacent paragraphs when describing the Gryffindor table or describing them as a black and scarlet mass (there would have been just as much gold as scarlet.) But this is just minor nit-picking.
I know this is totally branching away from the direction given by the challenge, but have you thought about adding a short epilogue? The story would feel more complete if it had a more solid resolution. It might be cool to have James (still a Slytherin, etc.) apologize in seventh year or, perhaps better yet, see him like entering the service of Voldemort and reflecting on what led him to that decision... I'll bet you see where I'm going. There are all sorts of options. Anyways, it was just a thought.
I am so sad! I just finished the last of your work on this site. Do you have any other stories elsewhere? It so hard to find good new stories by authors I like.
Author's Response: Thanks very much for the detailed review! People who review with details about the story make my life!
Yes, this story is not one of my favourites, not by far. I was trying to get it accepted only a few hours before the challenge was closed.
Hmm...that actually sounds like a very good idea! I don't know if it would either be an adjacent chapter or an epilogue, considering it is only a one-shot, but never the less, I like the idea. It will possible take awhile to have it out, but I'll begin working on it. Thanks for the great idea!
I'm sorry to say that I do not have any more stories on other sites. I really like the way MNFF is set up, and every other HP Fanfiction site seems disorganized, or they let in any story, no matter how bad it is.
Not to worry though, I have quite a few stories coming out pretty soon, considering it is summer and I have all the time in the world to write! =]
I liked the story. A good portrayal of someone torn between doing what is easy and what is right.
But James doesn't seem to be the type of person who would be influenced by other people's opinions. Since in canon James' family did not seem pureblood obsessed, there would be no reason for him to be, even if he were sorted into Slytherin. At the most I would expect James to ignore his desire to get to know Lily and think there was something important missing in his life.
Author's Response: Thank you, but once again, this one-shot was for a Challenge. It explained the wole ordeal in my author notes. Thanks for reviewing.
Sorry for the second review, but I noticed something else. When James said, “As if I would ever touch a Mudblood like her, no matter how good looking she is," you didn't mention that was a quote by Blaise Zabini in the sixth book. Just mentioning that little bit I forgot to add....
Great story, btw!
Author's Response: Thanks for reminding me! I knew there was something I had forgotten in my author notes!
This was just amazing. You really outdid yourself. I must say, the emotions and dialogue were perfect. Two hours??? I couldn't write like this in seven! Excellent work!
However, I felt Lily seemed a bit OOC when James insulted her. I mean, I would expect her to cry, but where was her fiery hotheadedness? She's Lily Evans! She stood up to James when he was a Gryffindor, why did she cower when he was a Slytherin? But I did like how she reacted to his more... how can I say this... playful (?) banter. She had the right amount of shyness, and my heart broke when James dissed her outright.
Also, when you said, "His feet drug against the stone floor as he found Evans amongst the black and scarlet mass", drug isn't a word (at least not in that context :D ). I'm assuming you meant dragged, though (blast those typos!).
However, not to end on a nitpicky note, this was extremely well written. Hope you win the challenge, because this fic certainly deserves it!
Author's Response: Thanks so much! Yes, I know I made Lily seem a bit OOC, but I was trying to make this seem as if this was the reason she became so defense in the later years...savvy? Thanks for the grammar tip as well. As I said, two hours with no beta...not a good combination LOL!
I thought it was really interesting! I like the OOC of James, it was very effective. But I did think you didn't show Lily's feistyness. Couldn't she have said a witty come-back? And there were a couple of grammar and spelling mistakes.
Author's Response: Yes, this was basically the reason behind her temper. I'm glad you liked it! And I am editing the mistakes now, thank you!
i fort this was a really good idea something abit different so well done. i
I ope theres guna be a chapter 2 :)
Author's Response: Sorry, but this is only a one-shot!
This is different. I would think that James is the most Gryffindor-like among the Marauders. Although he is a pure-blooded wizard, it just feels so OOC for him to act this way. Then again he and Sirius does have a mean streak and comes out once in a while.
Given that I beta once in a while, I hope you won't mind some mistakes that I caught whilst reading this.
A Few corrections:
It was common knowledge that he despised Sirius Black on site - I think you meant 'sight'
as his two friends Lupin and Pettigrew. - missing word: as 'with' his friends or you may opt for same goes for his two friends
replace Lucious Malfoy in a few years in the ranks of Slytherin Greatness. - it's 'Lucius' and I think it ought to be 'on' the ranks.
Canon Error: Bellatrix is 7 years older than Sirius and James thus she shouldn't be in Hogwarts. Maybe replace her with Narcissa instead.
Instead of: The Katy girl raised her hands up - I would suggest using A dark haired girl to Lily's right guiltily raised her hands up.. Using "The Katy girl' just sounds a bit awkward.
Good Luck! And I'm glad to see that I'm not the lone Gryffindor entrant around.
Author's Response: Thanks, but I had to write an OOC James, for obvious purposes. This is a house-exchange story, therefore, in this story, there would be no Gryffindor qualities in James. You follow me? Thanks for the grammar corrections, as you can see, I didn't have time for my beta to check over this before the deadline. =]
it think it waz pretty good, write more i demand write more!!
i shall be very interested....dont forget snape though
Author's Response: Thanks but it's only a one-shot! Sorry!