MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
fg_weasley (Anonymous) · Date:
07/25/08 17:37 · For:
Hello SPEW buddy! :D
Name: baby b
Fear pulsed through her veins.
I love the way you started out. It brings the reader right into the story and makes one wonder: what is she afraid of? I like it.
I also loved the way you displayed her emotions. It was wonderfully real; you got them across strongly. I could almost feel her distress and fear at the beginning. I was not expecting a boggart, but I like that turn you took. Her fear seemed so deep that I didn't even think of a boggart.
She never learned how to swim. Her parents thought that it was unladylike.
I love this line; it seems very Black family. lol.
I like the symbolism I picked up, like the bird as she was fighting 'herself.' Still, to be honest, through most of this, I was kind of confused. I had an idea of what was going on, but i was rather lost through all the twists and changes. I know it represents her turmoil, I think, but I found myself losing sense of what was going on.
I really like the end, though, espeically this bit:
Behind one door was a past life, the life she led before. It was one of luxury, parties, and fancy dresses. It lacked all sense of ambition, all excitement, all love.
The other door would lead her to her current life. There was love, hope, and excitement. Dreams to be discovered and mistakes to be made. It was rough life, without the creature comforts she was used to.
The doors are a very good way to sum up her troubles and conflicting feelings, and I like the way you laid them out like that.
There's a period there that shouldn't be.
It looked like the picture of the room the man in charge of this showed her at the before she entered.
That last 'the' should not be there.
She took one cautious step forward, praying that there was something better on the other side. The ground she stepped on felt cold – wet, [comma] almost.
I'm assuming that [comma] is accidentally leftover from the beta process?
Overall, I like the theme of this fic and what it dealt with, even if I was a little lost in the process.
(Signed) · Date:
05/26/07 9:51 · For:
i liked it but i always thought Andromeda was the oldest not Bellatrix.
Author's Response: Thanks! I don't know what the Lexicon says, but I think Andromeda is the middle child. I'll check that out, though.