Reviewer: Celestial Melody
Date: 11/19/07 22:23
Chapter: Nightmare of a Weasley

(Please disregard the first review; it got cut off.)

Marvelous alliteration in the beginning paragraph: “...marched miserably down the marbled corridors of the Ministry of Magic.”

“to” should not be capitalized in “These Bring-Your-Child-To-Work-Days”because it is a preposition.

“...the gold fountain remaining [should this be 'remained'?] a ruined pile of rubble.”

Absolutely amazing vocabulary; 'sconces' did it for me. =)

Wonderful descriptive language; so far, I have been able to see everything.

At first, I took this into my word processor and was going to list everything and then go back and elaborate, but I've decided to begin elaborating now. The few short critiques at the beginning will not continue throughout this review. *bows*

“...ruffled his ginger locks.” Wouldn't we all? *grins* Another Ron Weasley fan? =) What I love about this is your completely real characterization of Ron; you've not made him into a bumbling boob as so many writers do; you've allowed him some dignity ... and kept him totally in character. I seldom see that. Your subtle use of phrases like, “Blimey!” connects your Ron to the Ron of JKR's books and I think that's truly a gift.

“Pick me!” Hee! Such visions as I have... such visions! Actually, they are simply visions of “Alice in Wonderland.” If you've ever seen Disney's animated version, you might be able to connect with what I'm talking about. You remember, in the hall, where Alice has just lost the White Rabbit, and there's a door behind a curtain (different from the book, but no matter), and the keyhole has a face? Well, this is what that reminded me of. Such a fun and whimsical connection ... in such a dark and frightening place. (As I, of course, island-hop back to your story.)

And your expertise as a writer is further solidified by statements like these:

“Funny thing, silence. The lack of sound and light replaced by the pounding fear of a beating heart, as the sweat drips and muscles tense.”

How beautifully that is written! With such finesse! And how true, as well. Very sophisticated, indeed.

*snorts* “...rupturing his retina.” There you go with that awesome alliteration (see, now you've even got me doing it) in a phrase, which, though it is not blatantly funny, still made me laugh. Oh, am I not the wicked one?

Just a few critical notes in the Dark Room section, which, although the writing is marvelous, seems slightly ... pell-mell, willy-nilly to me. A little disorganized and slightly off, in plain English. For example: “He felt his breath quicken, his pulse race, and the palms of his hands became clammy with sweat.” Now, there is nothing wrong with that sentence, but I feel that its meaning would be improved by changing 'becAme' to 'becOme'. The reason for this is because you have him feeling something—breath quickening, pulse racing—fairly recently, but still in the past. And then you immediately switch to the present with “his hands became clammy.” Like I said, the difference is subtle, but I feel that the meaning could, honestly, be improved with a touch more tweaking. Yet, I still find this one of the most accomplished samples of writing on MNFF, if not necessarily in terms of plot, then certainly in terms of characterization, grammar, and proficiency in writing.

And I know you must be getting sick of me mentioning your sophisticated writing, but here is another example: “He ended up punching himself in the eye. Cursing marvelously...” It was hilarious and completely 'Ron' all at the same time. Sehr gut!

“...more and more clear.” Again, nothing wrong, but clearer is used more often. However, I respect your choice of words in this sentence because the sentence itself is so seamless.

“...like a large jeweled bug...” *dies* Such a wonderful description; immediately, one of those rhinoceros beetles comes to mind; big bugs they are, too.

Perfect, he hissed...” I'm sorry; this is not clear to me. The dialog is superb, but is Ron saying this aloud? I did not think so because it was in italics, but then it says 'hissed'. However, if so, where did the quotation marks escape to? *grins* =P (What can I say? I nitpick. Especially when I'm enjoying a good piece of writing.)

Yet another sophisticated and thoroughly enjoyable sentence: If he lifted his foot, would he fall – crashing with full force into the stone “above”?

I've said this before, but I feel I must mention it again; the entire internal dialog that Ron has after the above sentence is just so ... RON. Really, this piece should be a sticky in the Ronald Weasley character area on the Boards. Writers of Ron could really learn a lot from this characterization and I'm not blowing hot air.

The figurative language in this phrase, “...a flimsy sword in hopes that it could spark some form of escape.” is just so wonderful. There is, of course, the apt metaphor of the sword taking the place of the wand, but with “spark,” the message that, “Hey, even MAGIC won't help him here,” really comes home to the reader.

Star Wars! Just had to mention that when I read the Walls-Closing-In bit; the trash-compacted, if you've ever seen the old Star Wars was very like this. And, here, one little bit of critique: “...a shiny black door as glossed as polished marble...” Again, nothing wrong with it, but 'glossy' might work better than 'glossed' in this case.

“He sUnk down...” should be “He sAnk down..” But, hey, the Bible uses 'sunk' to describe a man's actions, so I suppose it's okay. However, in common grammar usage today, it would be 'sank'.

*grins* “With the strength of a Weasley, bred from years of brotherly abuse,” Thank God for those awful Weasley brothers! =P And here you are again, making Ron noble and worthy. What a refreshing change.

“A light breeze swept continuously through the room, bringing with it black shadows whispering of faint memories.” But of course it did. Such beautiful imagery, dear. Really lovely. Especially the end; I can hear it, too.

I really like the Lake scene; it reminds me of Mario 64, but I felt that it was a bit rushed at the end. Ron got the keys too easily; but, the poor bloke has been through a lot. Why not let him have a bit of an easy time, eh?

“...stoned in enclosure...” should be “...stoned-in enclosure...” The words 'stoned' and 'in' are the same adjective and, thus, should be joined by a dash.

I have not mentioned anything about this yet, but you want to be careful with sentences like this: “Ron look horrified as his chance to escape dissolved, the wild creature blocking his way out.” The way it is written makes it a fragment. If, however, you simply added 'for' before “the wild creature blocking his way out,” the sentence would be complete. You've done this before in this one-shot, but the writing, as aforementioned, is so wonderful, this small problem is easily overlooked.

What wonderful imagery once again! “He ‘swam’ towards his body, but either he couldn’t paddle to save his life, or there was some unseen force preventing him from getting any closer to his body.” What an amazing character study this is.

And you're so comical with your writing at times. Many people love random humour, but I prefer subtle humour like this: “He hovered in the air for ages, sulking in a manner so like Myrtle that he actually scared himself.” *giggles* Now that is funny.

“Not that being a soul didn’t have its good points...” Oh, but of course. =)

“...as he let loose a sort of hoarse roar, throwing his fist into the air.

"All noise in the Atrium stopped, as all eyes turned towards him. He felt a familiar pink tinge rising in his cheeks. He cleared his throat loudly, “Er, sorry about that….” Ah, yes. Now, there's the familiar Ron we know and love. What a way to end this. How incredibly marvelous; you have some serious talent, dear, both as a writer AND a bannermaker. Just a bit more, though, just a few remarks more.

“Ron!” Shouted...” The 's' should not be capitalized because it is part of the same sentence as 'Ron!'

Same thing here: “Dad!” Cried...” The 'c' should not be capitalized.

I hope that you do not take my many corrections amiss; I simply loved this enough to leave concrit. (Which always sounds like 'concrete' to me.) But let me say once again how very much I enjoyed this! Such a thorough work. And, thank you, for the banner you made for me. I adore it. Cheers and I look forward to reading more of your writing!

~Julia

Reviewer: Celestial Melody
Date: 11/19/07 22:16
Chapter: Nightmare of a Weasley

Marvelous alliteration in the beginning paragraph: “...marched miserably down the marbled corridors of the Ministry of Magic.”

“to” should not be capitalized in “These Bring-Your-Child-To-Work-Days”because it is a preposition.

“...the gold fountain remaining [should this be 'remained'?] a ruined pile of rubble.”

Absolutely amazing vocabulary; 'sconces' did it for me. =)

Wonderful descriptive language; so far, I have been able to see everything.

At first, I took this into my word processor and was going to list everything and then go back and elaborate, but I've decided to begin elaborating now. The few short critiques at the beginning will not continue throughout this review. *bows*

“...ruffled his ginger locks.” Wouldn't we all? *grins* Another Ron Weasley fan? =) What I love about this is your completely real characterization of Ron; you've not made him into a bumbling boob as so many writers do; you've allowed him some dignity ... and kept him totally in character. I seldom see that. Your subtle use of phrases like, “Blimey!” connects your Ron to the Ron of JKR's books and I think that's truly a gift.

“Pick me!” Hee! Such visions as I have... such visions! Actually, they are simply visions of “Alice in Wonderland.” If you've ever seen Disney's animated version, you might be able to connect with what I'm talking about. You remember, in the hall, where Alice has just lost the White Rabbit, and there's a door behind a curtain (different from the book, but no matter), and the keyhole has a face? Well, this is what that reminded me of. Such a fun and whimsical connection ... in such a dark and frightening place. (

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler
Date: 05/30/07 16:10
Chapter: Nightmare of a Weasley

Wow, this is really, really great! I knew from the first paragraph that I would adore your story. You have a great tone in your writing-- fits the character very well. Ron is a character that's rarely written properly in fanfiction, but you pulled it off and pulled it off well.

Excellent use of imagery and description. You've got quite a unique writing style. You also did a really good job of showing Ron's resourcefulness and talent for thinking on his feet... a talent that's often ignored in fanfiction. His wry sense of humour, his bravery, his slight tendency to be a bit pathetic and awkward, all perfect. The parts about Gilderoy Lockhart and him reminding himself of Moaning Myrtle were great.

But the end was soooo good. I can just see that happening... and the Dumbledore quote was cute.

I hope to see much more from you in the future... especially about Ron!

Cheers!



Author's Response: Aww...thanks Schmergo for a lovely review! Ron has such a funny sense of humor that I just had to write him....keeping an eye out for him in the future!

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