MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Phoebe Gruzelier (Signed) · Date: 08/13/07 10:09 · For: Revenge will be Sweet
Ooooh...very atmospheric!
I loved the way that Helga's journey was both physical, emotional and mental. The rooms in the Dep. of Mysteries were so well described. I have a few minor points I'd like to point out, though....

'Each time her foot left the ceiling, it was as though she was asking it to come unglued.' ----I don't think they had glue in the Middle Ages. Sorry to be so picky. You could just change it to stuck or think up something like tree sap which they would have had.

'...and the door squeaked loudly as it opened for the first time in a long time.' ----'time in a long time' sounds a bit awkward. You could change it to 'time in ages'

'The room changed. It was no longer a dark, cold room of moving shadows. '----you use room twice in a very short space of time. Why not change one of them to 'chamber'?

'It had been nearly two weeks since she had last heard him. He had past from this world into the next, leaving her all alone, for two whole weeks. '----change one of the 'two weeks' to fortnight.

'...this train of hatred that you old against Rowena.'----I think 'old' should be 'hold'.

'“You must find it in your heart, Helga, and I know that there is room enough for Rowena again, for I know how large and loving your heart is.” '----You use heart twice. Maybe you could change it to 'how loving you are'. ?????

'She felt Godric’s hand on her arm as he pulled her a ways off.'----'a ways'=a way?

'You’re a witch; use your bleeding common sense!'-----no, no, no, no, NO! Any Medieval lady wouldn't even know those sorts of words existed (apart from pig-farmers' wives) and bleending is Victorian cockny, which is quite a big time-leap! (I think it is, at any rate.)

After a few minutes, she hurriedly took out her wand and exclaimed, “Point Me!” ----Correct me if I'm wrong, but Point Me was invented by Hermione in GoF, wasn't it? So Helga wouldn't have known it.

'Crying out in relief, Helga screamed, “Alohomora!” '-----'Alohamora' needs to be in italics.

Also I think you need to develop the bit when Godric dies. It has the potential for lots of drama and sympathy with Helga (and Rowena). You could do a flash back, or just have the two girls discuss it in more detail. Seeing as it's the driving force behind the whole fic, you didn't dwell on the actual moment, for me at anyrate.

Wow! Very long review. Sorry to be so picky, I just thought you might like to know. But I really did like it! The dark room with no air=disturbing!

Author's Response: Okide dokie, I have a large explanation coming. *takes deep breath*

This was my entry from the Gauntlet Four Challenge, for which I could not use my regular betas, as they were both participating. The rules said we were not allowed to show the different plots ahead of time, as others were receiving them in a seperate order. I think this explains the many mess-ups throughout the story. It is definitely not one of me favourite, and is the first Gauntlet I ever participated it.

Another thing, seeing as this is a Gauntlet entry, I will not be able to go and add to the story, as you mentioned to add more drama around Godric's death. That is, however, a nice idea for a seperate one-shot...

Well, I'm glad you at least liked it a bit in the end, and I whole-heartedly agree with every one of your nitpicks. Hopefully this won't turn you away from any of my other works. =]

Name: FaunaCaritas (Signed) · Date: 06/14/07 4:21 · For: The End of the Journey
Interesting... what was the challenge? I liked how you laid out the story and carried it through. The very last room really baffeled me. What was it supposed to do/be?

Well, I liked the story. It would have felt more natural in the context of a longer story. It was hard to relate to Helga because there was no initial 'build up' of her character. Let me try to clarify... In your story 'A Letter Never Read' we get introduced to Harriet slowly-- we learn about her 'Ronish' traits and her 'Hermioneish' traits. That makes us care about her-- feel her loneliness, etc. In this story I didn't start caring about Helga's feelings until the middle of chapter 2.

Probably these thoughts don't relate to this story because of its 'gauntlet challenge' nature. You don't have any problem building up lovable, believable characters in your other stories.

One minor thing had me confused. When Helga is in the last room you write: "I’m going to die, Helga thought, panic completely taking over her mind. She tried to run forward, but found that she was unable to move anymore. Suddenly, a noise just to her left caught Helga attention, and she was able to struggle forward toward it. She wasn’t frightened in the least. She just wanted an escape." --- Doesn't that seem like a contradiction? Panic is overtaking her but she is not frightened in the least? Panic and fright are not identical, but I usually do not have one without the other.

Hmm, I can't think of anything else to say. I think I only have one or two of your stories left to read. I will be sad to reach the end of your writings so far. Maybe you could write another story very soon or post another chapter of 'Lovers in the Moonlight,' pretty, pretty, please?


Author's Response: The challenge was to pick any cannon character and have them go through the Department of Mysteries. We were given a new room each time we completed the previous one. The last room I had a bit of trouble with. We were only given that it was a completely black room with tons of pressure. I wasn't very sure of how to write it, so...

I think I was indicating that she wasn't afraid of what she would find, as she was already terrified.

Yes, yes more are on their way! As is another chapter os Lovers in the Moonlight. I had to take a long break from that to write this and the May One-shot Challenge.

Thanks for the great review!

Name: FaunaCaritas (Signed) · Date: 06/14/07 4:01 · For: More Powerful than Magic
You have a big imagination. I am impressed.

Is the mirror room connected to the mirror of Erised?

I'm off to chapter 3. I am very eager to see what all these rooms are leading up to, and also learning what Rowena did to Helga and Godric.


Author's Response: Thanks thanks thanks!

Have I mentioned yet that I adore your reviews?


Name: FaunaCaritas (Signed) · Date: 06/14/07 3:49 · For: Revenge will be Sweet
Seems very interesting... you have me wondering what has happened and where the story is going. It is a bit hard to get into right now because, as a reader, I have no idea what to think yet. The writing seems good, so I'll give chapter 2 a go.

One correction:
Missing letter: "But I also know that you cannot continue on with this train of hatred that you old against Rowena." old --> hold

You have probably got used to me by now. I'm going through all your stories. I try to review everything I read (unless I absolutlely hate it-- NOT the case with your stuff.)

You have lots of talent. More stories, please!


Author's Response: Gracias senorita!

Yes, this is another story that I think I did not do my best on. It was for the Gauntlet Challenge, so I have no idea how I placed a second. I was extremely shocked.

Oh, and thanks also for the correction. *fixing now*

Name: Eowyn89 (Signed) · Date: 05/25/07 15:43 · For: The End of the Journey
I enjoyed this story! I really like your use of descriptions and word choices--nice job!

The only bit that bothered me was not knowing the back story--what did Rowena do to make Helga hate her? Good luck!

Author's Response: Thanks! & don't worry, that's the mystery part! =]

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