First off, that story is very intense. In a good way though. The emotions that are conveyed are just breathtaking; you capture the hatred and jealousy with such ease. It was really well done. I love how the spaghetti can be used as a symbol for Bertram’s feelings of betrayal and for their dying relationship That night, even after all of the dishes of food and all of the used plates have vanished, the solitary thread of spaghetti laid untouched on the table. It was brilliant how something so little could spark such emotion through your OC.
Speaking of your OC, he was well-rounded and believable. This is a great feat to accomplish! It was almost refreshing at how formal he was! It fits his character well and he seems like someone that Lily would date (well, at least at first anyway : p) However, you sort of brought this formality into the dialogue, which I think sounded a little awkward in places, such as, “I was simply wondering what exactly is so spectacular about this sliding that you speak of so often, and I thought I’d try it to come to a conclusion myself.” the phrase “that you speak of so often” just sounds too formal to actually be spoken out loud.
Also, I find that there isn’t quite a difference between the way Bertram narrates, and James narrates. The tone is very much the same and I believe that James would be a little more playful, and although he was very smart, he would be less formal and have a narrower vocabulary. Although the James part does put forth the fact that James feels the same way as Bertram, I would have liked the story progress without his input. I quite liked Bertram’s point of view, and I feel that his emotions and narrative are what really make this story interesting. He’s pretty complex, I mean, why stay with Lily? So more insight on his way of seeing would really benefit the reader.
Other than that, this story is amazing! As I said before, it’s so intense and you can feel the tension in both relationships, though more so in Bertram’s and Lily’s. It’s a creative plot and something different to add to the Lily/James category. I must admit that from the summary I was surprised at the story I got! I never would have thought about such a thing and it’s so amazing and fairly rare to come across stories like that in the romance category.
Another thing I really liked was the connection between the Marauders in the third chapter. You write them nicely together and they act like a real team (though I would have liked to see a little more of Remus and Peter. Perhaps in future chapters? : D ). One thing I especially loved was the whole scene where Lily accuses Sirius for being who he is because of his blood line! Brilliant! My jaw actually dropped as this happened. her reference to the condescending pure-blood families hits Sirius sharply and cuts him more deeply than most other comments could have done. You knocked Sirius right down to the core and portrayed him as canon as possible. Great job!
You have a real piece of art here and I really hope that you can find the time to finish it off. What you have so far is amazing – good job!
Author's Response: This is the first time I've logged into my account in almost two years, and I was greeted first with your review! Wow -- thanks SO much -- I can't tell you how much I appreciate getting such helpful, detailed, enthusiastic responses to my writing and so for precisely that, thank you! :) I'm so glad that you're enjoying Bertram's perspective, and I'm especially happy that you found him to be believable. I like sticking to canon as much as I can and then filling in the gaps while taking (some) creative license, but for me, that means trying to stick to the integrity of the characters and the settings that JKR has given us. When I saw Bertram Aubrey's name mentioned very, very briefly in HBP as a character of the Marauder era, I decided to write a J/L fic with a different perspective -- hopefully I was successful in "creating" a character in Bertram that fits both the time and the people around him! Like you said, when I was writing from James's perspective, I chose not to deviate much from the formal style I had used in the Bertram chapters, but I did it because I wanted to give James a more reflective, matured, introspective nature (at least in his 7th year :P and at least in the first chapter from his perspective) than perhaps how he's portrayed in other fics. I imagine that the Marauder era was simultaneously an exciting and trying time, and while I completely LOVE James's playfulness and informal charm (and I'd absolutely love to write in coming chapters), I wanted to begin the fic by setting a slightly more serious -- and consequentially a more formal -- general tone (which, like you said, makes the fic intense). In my mind (and this might be just me), James had changed enough by Seventh Year that like Lily, he, too, had his moments of tension and anxiety that sometimes masked his mischievousness, and that's the facet of James's personality that I sought to portray in that chapter. It is true, though, that Bertram's and James's styles seem almost too similar, and I'll definitely try to remedy this next time. I'm happy you liked the heavy Marauder presence in the third chapter, too! If I start writing again -- which I think I will do today... -- I most definitely will incorporate more scenes with Peter and Remus into the fic in the future! :) :) Again, thanks so much for your review! Hopefully (if I can manage to battle writer's block and be creative again) I'll be continuing this story! :)
I love the way you write. It's like the words flow together dancing and twirling as I read them. You also have a huge vocabulary which just makes the way you write fit together even better.
I'm sorry about my ranting but i was soo frusterated at the blasted comput... sorry now where was my suggestion, oh, there it is. I thought it might be interesting if u might add Severus Snape's ordeal into this. u know i love ur story and it's just a suggestion to ponder. thx
I need MORE!
~Aya Camille Braxton~
ahhhh !!!!! you know i love your writing ! and i come look after like two months of hp fanfiction completely slipping my mind and i find THIS beautiful piece of perfect waiting for me ! :D
I really enjoy reading this story; however, I had hoped that there would be slight shift in tone as you changed pov. Bertram's voice is very formal, which I think fits perfectly in the story, but James I imagine as more playful. I love how you write, though...thank you for the story so far!
O, so sad, but so cute at the same time, he and Bert feel teh same!! I love it!
This was completely worth the wait :]
Hopefully the next chapter won't be as long of a wait. I can't wait!
I liked reading about James' point of view. Again, great story and I am eager to read more =]
Both James and Bert fell like Llily will never be theirs! This is a really good start to a long fiction! I hope you decide to continue writing it! I really enjoy this! I wonder what James had forgoten, hehe.
Great chapter! Another example of how intelligent Lily is about what goes on with the Marauders ie: Invisability cloak
Nicely written. Love how Lily keeps deneying her feelings for James!
It is just hard to picture Lily with anyone besides James Potter. Nice chapter. Glad it is not a one shot
omg. this is sooo sweet! how long will this fic be? i can't believe it's only your first. this is soo in my favees =)
Aww this is so sad. Poor Bertram, Lily, and James. I feel bad for all of them. Great story though. I will be looking for updates =]
where did chapter 3 go? i saw it before, but i didn't have time to read it, and now its gone.
Awww, so sad, so good.
I really like where you're going with this. Great job, update soon!
Grr. blasted computers. I had written this amazingly mature review for chapter 3 that surprised even myself and then when I clicked submit the screen went black and didn't post my review. Grrr. Grumble groan whine srcream scowl. Oh well it was mostly praise for your very interesting and fresh point of veiw embelished to a point of insanity. I did have a suggestion but now I'm so mad that I don't want to write it down. Grrrr. I'm sorry but I think u'lll have to wait till I'm in a better mood. I forgot most of it anyhow. Why does this always happen to me. Grrr. I remember the last sentence though. it reads ( or should I say read as in past tense Grrrrrrr) as follows "Keep up the great work!!!"