Reviewer: Euphrates
Date: 05/22/07 19:15
Chapter: Chapter 3

Nitpicks first (sorry!):

Hmm...Arcadia seems weird to me. *shrugs* I dunno...I suppose it is fine. :D

"...A whole group of Unspeakables are going to enter this room in just a few minutes. I dont know why, though. ..."

I don't like it when the character knows something just randomly, with no excuse for knowing it, but doesn't know all the details. So that just annoyed me a little bit.

Wait what about that spell you learned in Charms in fifth year, a tiny voice inquired, the spell to reverse an out-of-body experience. Where's the tiny voice coming from? Usually people just think.

/nitpicky bashing

Sorry, all that above sounded a bit mean. >.< I don't mean it. I just wanted to point things out as clearly as possible.

Anyways.

I like how Cho remembered the reversal charm. Well done. I love it when little things can trigger a larger, more informative memory. It happens in real life all the time, so it's good to see it here in your fanfiction.

Great job on this fic so far, Erica. No matter how it sounded up there *points*, I really like it and cannot wait for the next chapter.

Kate

Author's Response: OMG! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far. I like the advice, Kate, I'll do it as soon as I can. I checked out a map of the LA area earlier today and also found out about a city called Arcadia. To think, I've lived in LA county for 16 years and not knowing this!

Reviewer: Euphrates
Date: 05/22/07 19:05
Chapter: Chapter 2

Whoa. This is awesome, Erica. Very intruging and fast paced. I love Cho's conversation with herself when she tried to pull herself out of the chair - it was very well executed.

However, it seems to me that when Cho talks, the dialogue is a little...off. (Only word I could think of, sorry!) It seems that she doesn't use enough contractions (it's instead of it is, I'll instead of I will) when she speaks. Contractions make dialogue flow better. Everyone uses them.

Otherwise, though, this was a great chapter. I love it!

Kate

Reviewer: Euphrates
Date: 05/22/07 19:00
Chapter: Chapter 1

Hey! This is very exciting and intruiging so far. The game Cho and her friends play is very interesting. I think it was a great way to start this off.

Suggestion: Maybe if you put an exciting excerpt into your summary, more people will R and R? That's ususally what I do. *shrugs*

Anyways. I really like this chapter, Erica - it was a great way to start this off. I'm feeling pretty interested as to what will happen - the Department of Mysteries is a mysterious place...(well, hence the name).

~Kate

Reviewer: ballerinaprincess
Date: 05/20/07 16:01
Chapter: Chapter 1

Very interesting, sounds like Cho and JK

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
The Green Knight Rises by Kerichi 6th-7th Years
In Creevey Wizard Comics, the Green Knight aids those in need under the cloak...
Friends and Foes by Northumbrian 3rd-5th Years
It took Harry and his friends years to discover who killed Colin Creevey. Ginny...
Not From Others by FloreatCastellum 6th-7th Years
She may not have been able to join Harry, Ron and Hermione, but Ginny refuses...
FEATURED
Wild Card by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 6th-7th Years
It was going to happen eventually: Oliver Wood had to retire. But when the decision...
Half-life by welshdevondragon 3rd-5th Years
Neville has the rest of his life ahead of him, but all he can do is look back...
Skinny Love by xxbabewithbrainsxx 6th-7th Years
“I’ve always been chubby. Admit it.” “You’ve never been skinny...
Tigerlily by Maple_and_PheonixFeather 3rd-5th Years
You promised yourself you'd never hurt her, but there are times when you wonder...
Astriferous by Padfoot11333 6th-7th Years
Merope Gaunt has never been celestial.Nominated for a 2014 QSQ - Best Dark/Angst. Nominated...
CATEGORIES