Reviewer: Euphrates
Date: 05/22/07 19:15
Chapter: Chapter 3

Nitpicks first (sorry!):

Hmm...Arcadia seems weird to me. *shrugs* I dunno...I suppose it is fine. :D

"...A whole group of Unspeakables are going to enter this room in just a few minutes. I don’t know why, though. ..."

I don't like it when the character knows something just randomly, with no excuse for knowing it, but doesn't know all the details. So that just annoyed me a little bit.

“Wait what about that spell you learned in Charms in fifth year,” a tiny voice inquired, “the spell to reverse an out-of-body experience.” Where's the tiny voice coming from? Usually people just think.

/nitpicky bashing

Sorry, all that above sounded a bit mean. >.< I don't mean it. I just wanted to point things out as clearly as possible.

Anyways.

I like how Cho remembered the reversal charm. Well done. I love it when little things can trigger a larger, more informative memory. It happens in real life all the time, so it's good to see it here in your fanfiction.

Great job on this fic so far, Erica. No matter how it sounded up there *points*, I really like it and cannot wait for the next chapter.

Kate

Author's Response: OMG! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far. I like the advice, Kate, I'll do it as soon as I can. I checked out a map of the LA area earlier today and also found out about a city called Arcadia. To think, I've lived in LA county for 16 years and not knowing this!

Reviewer: Euphrates
Date: 05/22/07 19:05
Chapter: Chapter 2

Whoa. This is awesome, Erica. Very intruging and fast paced. I love Cho's conversation with herself when she tried to pull herself out of the chair - it was very well executed.

However, it seems to me that when Cho talks, the dialogue is a little...off. (Only word I could think of, sorry!) It seems that she doesn't use enough contractions (it's instead of it is, I'll instead of I will) when she speaks. Contractions make dialogue flow better. Everyone uses them.

Otherwise, though, this was a great chapter. I love it!

Kate

Reviewer: Euphrates
Date: 05/22/07 19:00
Chapter: Chapter 1

Hey! This is very exciting and intruiging so far. The game Cho and her friends play is very interesting. I think it was a great way to start this off.

Suggestion: Maybe if you put an exciting excerpt into your summary, more people will R and R? That's ususally what I do. *shrugs*

Anyways. I really like this chapter, Erica - it was a great way to start this off. I'm feeling pretty interested as to what will happen - the Department of Mysteries is a mysterious place...(well, hence the name).

~Kate

Reviewer: ballerinaprincess
Date: 05/20/07 16:01
Chapter: Chapter 1

Very interesting, sounds like Cho and JK

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Research and Development by Northumbrian 3rd-5th Years
The Mirrorphone, the latest advance in Wizarding communications. Now, of course...
The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 2 by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 1st-2nd Years
The Weird Sisters are back for an encore. Ten more tracks from your MNFF authors.
on this side of heaven by Nagini Riddle 1st-2nd Years
Ariana Dumbledore is struck by a stray curse, and she suddenly finds herself...
FEATURED
Oread, Walking by Seren
Cedric was just as odd as Hermione, because he liked to walk. Cedric/Hermione
The Effect of Gamma Rays on Two Terrifically Trapped Gryffindors. by Fenixaze 3rd-5th Years
From the "Stuck where for the weekend?" Challenge on Portkey.org ... Our two...
Drunk on Him by armagod679 Professors
For me, he was an obsession, a burning obsession, one that I could never let...
A Broken Hallelujah by epiphany212 Professors
You have always loved the chase. The pursuit of Quaffles and dragons have carried...
In the Hufflepuff Way by 1000timesingoldenink 3rd-5th Years
Did anybody really appreciate Hannah's mum?Because Mrs. Abbott was a heroine...
And Now... by Oregonian 3rd-5th Years
Moments after the death of Voldemort, Harry gazes at the corpse of the Dark...
The Weird Sisters - B-Sides and Rarities, Vol. 1 by minnabird 1st-2nd Years
Welcome back to another rousing round of rambunctious rock!However, a new act...
CATEGORIES