Wow, that was outstanding. I am on the verge of tears at how powerful this poem was. Really excelent job. You are such an amazing author. Can't wait till your next poem. And on another note, do you know when Eyes will be updated? I can't wait till the next chapter. That story is one of my favorites.
Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much! You are too sweet. *wipes away tear* And about Eyes... I need inspiration for that. :D I wrote another chappie about Cedric/Cho, but I have to type it up. Glad you liked!
Wonderful job, Laila. This poem is awesome. I love the story and plot behind it - it's interesting and new. I really haven't read much (any) like it. Kudos to you for originality. The idea is just...wow. I love it. *hug* I don’t know where you get your inspiration – your ideas are all just amazing.
My concrit (maybe?) nitpickiness:
This was the girl she once
Could have been. Pure and
True of heart. Instead she left
That behind and turned to this.
I really don't like the flow of that too much. I know it's a style of writing a poem - lines ending on a different line, I suppose - but styles are like spices. A smattering of it provides a twang and a nice flow (taste *rolls eyes at herself*) to the fic. Too much of it and you're overwhelmed and can't take it in, and it doesn't flow all that well. Does that make sense? I just think you broke up too many lines there, in my opinion.
I like the way this poem flowed, though. The lines were short and sharp (well, sort of. If you say them aloud), and it gave the poem its own sense of 'character', or originality. It made it different from other poems on this site. It was new and fresh and awesome. :D
I think maybe you could have made this poem a bit longer. I know, it's already a bit on the longer side, but I think more would have added to the depth of the plot behind it. I believe you could have shown more feelings and emotions this Slytherin girl felt - more of her reluctance to kill and harm, and then of her decision to just forget about it. The latter could have definitely been more explained - what were her reasons to be a true Slytherin again? Why'd she erase all the regrets she felt?
She finally died a Slytherin, the truest Slytherin.
I loved the way you repeated the lines like that. It made the poem more rhythmic, for one, and more...amazing. ;-) It was very well done in my opinion.
She learned not all was black
And white; it was green and silver.
Heh heh. *sly grin* Ever since you explained that line to me it's just amazing. *loves* *loves* It just has a lot of meaning and depth to it in itself.
All right. In closing. Most of the nitpicks I expressed here are, obviously, of my own opinion, disregard them as you like. I really enjoyed this poem, Laila - it's interesting and well written. It is definitely a great addition to the archives here – and no, I’m not just saying that.
Author's Response: Woah. *is speechless* Thanks for this awesomefully long review! Concrit = <3, btw. ;D Yeah, I'm not so proud of this poem. It turned out really long, and I didn't really want to add even more, for fear of boring people to death :p . Glad you thought it was original. I was kind of worried I was risking a bit too much with the odd style (but then again, I'm not getting paid or anything for this, so no big deal). Oh, and about the 'black and white' line... I forgot I told you about it. I liked it a lot better than most of my poem, and wanted to see what other people thought (which is why I asked you). Also, why would I disregard your nitpicks? They are so precious to me *huggles*. *squees* This is so sweet, by the way. So happy you came down to review! (Oh, and my new story 'The Avenger' is up, if you want to review it. A certain House Elf poem is being sent to the queue as well *wink wink hint hint*.)
Wow, the ending was very powerful. I liked how you used those lines that described her progression as a Slytherin, from when she really wasn't one to when she died as a true Slytherin. Very creative. ^^
The only thing I must pick on is the way some of the stanzas ended with incomplete thoughts and the reader has to read the next line to finish a sentence. Although I do know that that is a style of writng, maybe I'm just not a fan of it.
Another thing- Voldemort let a muggleborn become a Death Eater??? I'd need more details...that's an interesting idea, and I bet it would make an intersting story. ^_~ Overall, it was a great poem.
Author's Response: *squee* Thank you so much! Concrit = <3 Yeah, I see what you mean. I don't know if it's a style of writing or not, I just tend to do that sometimes. *shrugs* He didn't really know. She was utterly ashamed to be a Muggleborn and was very loyal. she pretty much disowned her family and changed her name so that no one could trace her back to the,. She was an extremely devoted Slytherin. Yay, I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing :D !
OMG!!!! that was an awesome poem!! i REALLY LUVED IT though it was sad. Ok c ya that really rocked my socks (even though i aint wearin any). Bye
Author's Response: OMG! That was such an awesome review! ;D Glad you liked! You still rock my socks (and yes, I am wearing some)!