I liked how the first stanza just set the scene. The first three lines flowed quite nicely, but the line “Death is searching for me” didn’t really sound right to me. Starting two lines in a row with the word “Death,” in my opinion, sounded a little awkward.
I don’t really feel like Bellatrix was really in character in the poem. In the books, Bellatrix is portrayed as completely fanatical in her devotion to Voldemort. So, I can’t see her not caring about the outcome of the battle, as she is completely obsessed with Voldemort’s cause. I would guess that people probably do quite a bit of reflection as they lay dying, but I don’t think their personalities would flip. I feel like Bellatrix would be a staunch death eater until she died.
The last line of the second stanza especially felt out of character. The idea that there can be no true victor in battle is a very gray concept. To me, Bellatrix seems like a very black and white person. She enjoys torture and murder, so I can’t see her remarking that there is no true winner in war. I view her as feeling that the people in The Order didn’t deserve to live, and that The Death Eaters died nobly. She didn’t really seem attached to anyone except Narcissa and Voldemort, so I doubt she’d be terribly upset at most deaths. If Narcissa died, I see her as being upset but thinking that Narcissa died for a noble cause. If Voldemort died, well I think she’d throw a major tantrum and trying to kill anyone she could.
The first three lines of the third stanza sounded brilliant together, but I felt that starting the fourth line with “I know” broke the flow. If it were my poem, I would take out I know and add the word “now, so, the line would read, “I now cannot be redeemed.”
The sixth and last stanza also felt out of character to me. I can’t see Bellatrix ever apologizing for anything, except to Voldemort.
I thought quite a bit about your repition of the phrase, “As I lie dying.” I felt that it accented the point that Bellatrix was dying, which is a vital point to the story. Leaving it in, certainly emphasized the fact that Bellatrix was dying, but I felt that your poem didn’t really need the extra emphasis. You did a wonderful job of setting the scene, and I don’t think you needed the extra assistance provided by the line “As I lie dying.” On the whole, I felt that the stanzas flowed very well together, and that having a phrase repeated between them broke the flow of the poem.
Overall, I thought that your poem was excellent. I really liked how you had each line as a sentence. I thought that it gave the verse a slightly atypical flow, which I really enjoyed. My only big critique about the poem is the characterization; to me it isn’t Bellatrix. I felt that the characterization was more like how I imagine Snape, upon finding out about Lily’s death.
Author's Response: Thanks for the very detailed review.
Wow, that was breath taking. I loved it. Just the way the words fit together and really made you think. Great job.
Author's Response: Thanks so much. Poetry isn't a natural strength so I'm always glad to hear it turned out well.
I thought the poem itself was lovely, but I have to admit that it makes me uncomfortable to see Bella characterised in this way. Bella is very high on my list of characters, and one of the reaason I've always loved her was because she really cares about the Dark Lord. Some say it's an obsession, but I think it's love. Whatever the reason, I can honestly not imagine her not caring about his defeat. But I guess we each have our own opinions.
Author's Response: :D You have a more, shall we say reasonable view of Bella. I see her differently than, well, everyone, but that's just me. :D
OMGodric--what a great poem!
I really want to go 'AWWWW!' but this does not really strike me as an 'AWWWW!' poem, and I'm slightly scared that it will go Severus Snape on my sorry behind and lash out at me for awwing at its sadness. /insanity.
I really enjoyed this poem. I do love reading and writing poetry, yet I often forget to go seek these poems out when I'm in a reading mood. The repetition of the line, "As I lie dying" really enforced the sadness of the general mood into me, yet in a way, I think that it also gave the poem a bit of bitterness to it.
As for the speaker, I thought that it could either be Severus or Lucius. Both men have the potential to act nobly (in fan fiction, I guess more than canon) and at the end, despite their bravado, be bitter at the way it ended--badly.
My favorite stanza had to be this one:
Now I am finally able to see.
There was no reason to fight.
I gave up my life–my soul.
I know I cannot be redeemed.
For me, those lines really cinched the mood.
Overall, I think that you did a fantastic job with this poem! It is so touching and it nearly brought a tear to my eye! Great job!
Author's Response: Thanks so much. I think your review was as long as my poem. :D I'm really glad you enjoyed it though, and thanks for taking to time to write such a nice response. As for the speaker, it was Bella. I think it says that in the summary...but I could be wrong. Anyway, thanks again. :D
First of all - I am not person who really likes poem.. I don't why but : I really liked your poem. ^^ It really gave a insight (I don't know if it right word?) But it really gave a feeling of what Bella felt.
Tatjana R. Black
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Wow, that was very good. I just got finished reading the novel As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner the other day and the title reminded me of it. This was a well written poem, the repition os the "As I lie dying." part was great.
Author's Response: I didn't even know there was a book by that name. Anyway, thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked it.
That was brill, a lot different from your usual, it's so sad that she realised everything to late and she was alone whan she died.
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it. Thanks so much for the review.
Woah, Bellatrix apologizing to the world? Hmmmm.... Interesting idea and very well-written poem. The repetition of As I lie dying fit in some places, but seemed a little awkward in others. Although I usually enjoy rhyming poems, you did a good job of writing it so it was still a poem, not a bunch of sentences. Great job on this, it was a great read for me. ^_~
Author's Response: Thanks for the compliments. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
About the repetition, my beta also suggested changing some of it. I left it the way it was out of personal preference, but I still might considering editing it later.
Thanks so much for leaving a review!
There are not many people who I would read poetry for, let alone about Bella so feel privilaged... It was very well written, regardless of my ranting and raving. So simple yet complete. Nice job, Elle. I wish I could write more but I think that sums it up for now.
Author's Response: Thank you, Nicole. I'm glad you liked it. And I'm honored that you would read Bella related poetry for me.
That was really good. I loved how you did it from Bella's POV. Though I don't think she'll ever repent, its a nice thought.=Sammy
Author's Response: *huggles Bella*
Thanks for the review and I'm glad you liked the story.