MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: SiriuslyDementedAzkaban1992 (Signed) · Date: 05/27/09 8:50 · For: Letters
It is very interesting. I like it very much. Especially the part about the teacup turned rat.

Author's Response: I'm glad you like it! I enjoyed writing the teacup/rat incident as well :) One of my more inspired moments... :D

Name: LuNaLoVeGoOdLoVer (Signed) · Date: 05/26/09 20:52 · For: The Dare
it was good! get the next chap up soon!
although the slytherins are not very creativ...

Author's Response: I know, they're not very creative at all... I'll update as soon as I can :D

Name: meldina (Signed) · Date: 02/17/09 17:10 · For: Breaking The Rules, part two
post more please

Author's Response: I'll try :D the next chapter is currently being read by my beta-reader, but as soon as the last things are corrected I'll add it. I'm glad you want to read more :)

Name: i_hart_wheezys (Signed) · Date: 10/16/07 17:01 · For: The Train Ride
Great story! Its amusing how the Marauders just go barging into compartments full of girls :) your storyline is developing nicely and you've got great characterization! UPDATE SOON!!! :)

Author's Response: I'll try! Glad you think its funny... =)

Name: Tweak (Signed) · Date: 10/03/07 8:48 · For: The Train Ride
Omigosh this stiory is so FUNNY! Arietta is hilarious. I'm starting to think she's kind of like Luna. Is she her mother? This story is really great, keep it up! I have a question, though. Is this story going to be just about the fifth year or is it going to last until the seventh? This story goes to my favs!! Update!

Author's Response: I'm glad you thought it was funny! =) So far, the plot is only through their fifth year, but I have thought about writing sixth and seventh year as well.. we'll see.. Arietta isn't Luna's mother, but they are very much alike! They both have that spaced-out sort of thing.. thank you for the review! =)

Name: cyt_potter (Signed) · Date: 08/13/07 20:13 · For: Letters
I like this story so far! I like how Lily's thinking about 'Potter', and also using magic when she isn't suposed to! Great work!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad that you liked it.

Name: harryandginnyrock (Signed) · Date: 08/10/07 17:25 · For: Letters
Great so far! Can't wait to read the next chapter!

Author's Response: Thank you! I will try and hurry with the next chapter..

Name: nikster (Signed) · Date: 08/10/07 16:38 · For: Letters
Great chapter!
I can't wait to see what happens next!!
Cont soon!!

Author's Response: I'm glad you liked it! next up is Kings Cross.. I hope it will be a good chapter.. It's definetely going to be interesting!

Name: Prongsies_Girl_93 (Signed) · Date: 08/10/07 13:38 · For: Letters
I like it! It was really cool! Poor Mrs Evans... I'd freak out too! XD Please update really, really soon!

Author's Response: Thank you for the review! Yeah, I'd freak out too if I was Mrs Evans.. I will try to get the third chapter done as soon as possible.

Name: FeatherTrader (Signed) · Date: 08/10/07 13:04 · For: The Annoying Cousin
I like the idea of the story being seen through Lily’s point-of-view and starting in the summer with her and her Muggle family. I don’t think I’ve ever read something so unique in this aspect. I’m really interested to see where you’re taking the whole Forbidden Forest bit; it seems to be a very interesting (and most defiantly unique) plot bunny.

So, my favourite character in this entire chapter was Jack. Although his arrogance is more prominent than James’s, and he seems even more annoying than James, I think he’s a very interesting original character. Out of curiosity, is he going to be making any more appearances in the chapters, or has his purpose been served? I’m betting on the latter, but you never know...

It was raining outside; she could see the raindrops hit the street with such speed that they jumped two inches up in the air before hitting the ground again.

Instead of ‘two inches up in the air’ it should be ‘two inches in the air.’ Double prepositions are a grammatical no-no since they are generally unnecessary. Of course, there are a few exceptions to this rule when the prepositions aren’t referring to the same object, but otherwise just one will work.

She didn’t have the chance to mess particularly much at Hogwarts, so this room was where she could have all the organized chaos she wanted to.

I think you’re missing a word. It should be something to the effect of ‘have the chance to create a mess.’ Or at least that’s the meaning I think you were going for. Also, ‘particularly much at Hogwarts’ is an ‘interrupter so there should be a comma before particularly.

But four weeks had passed and she hadn’t heard from either of them.

You’re missing a comma after ‘passed’ and before ‘and.’ (In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a comma-freak. =])

“Nothing is the matter mum. I’m perfectly fine,” she replied, giving her mother a look as if daring her to suggest otherwise.

In the series of dialogue where Lily and her mother are talking, you missed a few commas. The first one where Lily’s mother was talking to her, you got, but the others you forgot about. Since Lily is talking to her mum there should be a comma before it. So, it should read, ‘Nothing is the matter, Mum.’ In addition, since ‘Mum’ is substituting her mother’s name, it needs to be capitalised.

Thank god Lily thought.

Thoughts should be treated like dialogue. There needs to be a comma separating what is being thought and how the person is thinking it. ‘Thank god, Lily thought.’

She really needed to talk to some of her friends soon, otherwise she would be crazy by the time she went back to Hogwarts for her fifth year.

I love the relationship you build between Lily and her friends in this chapter. She seems really reliant on them keeping in touch since, I’m assuming, they are the only link she has to the magical world during the summer. I’m really curious to know how she interacts with them.

She had listened to this in thirty minutes!

Instead of ‘in’ it should be ‘for' to achieve the meaning you were going for.

I, Lily Evans, will have to save myself from being brain-dead for the rest of my life! This is a mission I must not fail!

I adore Lily’s determination. You’ve done a really nice job of giving Lily some outlining characteristics in this chapter without making it seem too forced or far from canon. Poor Lily, though, for having to deal with Jack for such a long period of time.

And he would notice that they weren’t muggle schoolbooks.

Through-out this section, I really like how the sentences are short and to the point; it really builds the tension in the situation. Although, personally, I think it would have been interesting to see Lily sweat a little more before her mother came to her rescue. Also, Muggle should be capitlised since it is a canon noun.

Lily put the wand on her desk and went to bed, not bothering to say goodbye to her family even though she knew it was rude.

For some reason, to me, good-bye doesn’t seem to fit quite right. It makes sense, but it doesn’t seem completely appropriate. How many teenagers say ‘good-bye’ to their parents before going to bed? Maybe, good-night?

Okay, first allow me to apologise for such a nit-picky review. It’s a habit I’m working on breaking and trying to be more constructive than nit-picky. But nonetheless, I think you have a very interesting start with this. As a reader, it’s captured my attention, especially the bit about the Forbidden Forest. You have a whole bunch of unique attributes going for you for this story, so I think in the end you will have a story with a plot that no one else has considered before.

Keep up the fantastic writing! Oh, and, bring on the Marauders. =]

Author's Response: Wow, that's some review! Thank you for telling me all the errors and explaining why they were errors; English isn't my native language, and commas are different from my language, but I really want to write as good English as I do in my own language... So don't worry about that; I love that you give some criticism. As for Jack.. For now, he has served his purpose, but there is a chance he will make a reapperance in some of the later chapters... I'm sort of trying to decide between three situations for a chapter; they all work for the plot, and one of them has Jack in them. But there are a lot of chapters to go before I get to that point... The bit where Jack surprises her in her room: I think you're right, perhaps it would be better to let Lily sweat a bit more... I'll be sure to remember it for later chapters; there a lot of difficult situations Lily will get herself into.. The bit where Lily went to bed without saying goodbye to her family... well, I kinda meant her aunt and uncle.. and Jack.. but perhaps it was a bit confusing, I don't know... Thank you so much for the long review! I love long reviews, especially for my story! heh.. I hope I answered all your questions satisfyingly..

Name: Noel Weasley (Signed) · Date: 08/10/07 12:32 · For: Letters
I like this chapter, it's pretty good! :D

Update soon! Great story! :D :P

Author's Response: Thank you! I'll update ASAP.

Name: radcliffe4eva (Signed) · Date: 06/02/07 15:51 · For: The Annoying Cousin
Its also posted twice when you hit the back button... Whoops. :-)

Author's Response: So I see.. lol :D

Name: radcliffe4eva (Signed) · Date: 06/02/07 15:50 · For: The Annoying Cousin
Very good! I like the fact that you've made Lily sort of estranged from her mum - I don't see many people do that. I hope your next chapter gets validated soon... I noticed you were asking why some reviews were posted twice. You were right, when people push the "submit" button more than once before the next page loads, the review is posted as many times as you click it...

Author's Response: I can see a lot of people post reviews twice.. lol.. ;)

Name: radcliffe4eva (Signed) · Date: 06/02/07 15:50 · For: The Annoying Cousin
Very good! I like the fact that you've made Lily sort of estranged from her mum - I don't see many people do that. I hope your next chapter gets validated soon... I noticed you were asking why some reviews were posted twice. You were right, when people push the "submit" button more than once before the next page loads, the review is posted as many times as you click it...

Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review! Yeah, I figured Lily wouldn't look like her mum very much, mostly due to the fact that she is a witch when her mum isn't. And thank you for answering my question about the "double reviews"! I hope the next chapter gets validated soon too, but if it does get rejected, blame me! Then I obviously wasn't good enough to check for errors...

Name: katiebell360 (Signed) · Date: 05/23/07 14:27 · For: The Annoying Cousin
wuts with all the swearing? it's kinda stupid

Author's Response: can somebody please tell me why some reviews are posted twice??

Name: katiebell360 (Signed) · Date: 05/23/07 14:26 · For: The Annoying Cousin
wuts with all the swearing-it's kinda stupid.

Author's Response: perhaps it is, but I wrote this chapter a day when I felt like swrearing a lot.. It hadn't been a good day.. but there will probably be less swearing in the next chapters..

Name: Nikitha (Signed) · Date: 05/23/07 14:20 · For: The Annoying Cousin
This is really good. I can picture myself in lillys situation, and we all have a "mother problem" once in a while right? ;P
-keep up the good work, and im so proud of you ;D

Author's Response: heh thanks!

Name: Prongsies_Girl_93 (Signed) · Date: 05/22/07 19:20 · For: The Annoying Cousin
Great story! Honestly, if you hadn't said that it was your first story, I wouldn't have been able to tell... :) Update soon!!!!

Author's Response: thanks! I will try and update as soon as I can..

Name: Noel Weasley (Signed) · Date: 05/22/07 15:16 · For: The Annoying Cousin
"...hadn’t ever seen that being played in soccer."

Well, you should have put 'Football' because that's where they call soccer there and everywhere else in the world besides the U.S. of A.
Great Story opening too! very cool. ADD ADD ADD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author's Response: thank you for the review! About the soccer-sentence.. well, I'm not really that much into sports and didn't realise they call it football in english, so sorry about that!

Name: iheartjames (Signed) · Date: 05/22/07 11:00 · For: The Annoying Cousin
good story! please update soon!

Author's Response: you know, I've never quite understood why sometimes there are two of the complete same reviews.. is it because people accidentally push the button twice or something??

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