I like the idea, and I think you have a good sense of imagery. But I think you need to work on the technical aspects of your writing.

The parentheticals disrupt the tone of the rest of the work, and make it much harder to get into. If you want to make those sorts of comments, I would try to write them from Malfoy's perspective, demonstrating his self-awareness, not the narrator's side-tracked thoughts.

You use the same idioms repeatedly. "It seems so right to him, somehow so fitting, that [...]"; "Too afraid to take a stand, too afraid to be wrong, too afraid to look like a fool, that [...]". There are others. If you're going to overuse sentence structures, do it with the simple ones. The complex ones stick out so much worse.

It feels as if you're trying to force a sort of grandeur, but don't know how to let it come naturally. In the context of this story, I would say shoot for simplicity in every aspect of the writing. That is not to say you should use plain, boring sentence structures, but that you should make an effort to not complicate them.

These are just a couple glaring things I noticed. Additionally, your beta should be riding your ass about grammar and tense. A bunch of minor slip ups can really interfere with reading any story. Example: "Maybe he would have had more options if he was." 'was' should be 'were' (subjunctive tense).

It's clear there is plenty of creativity there. With a compelling style, I think you could be writing some very good stuff.