Oh you didn't kill her. Thats just not right she was so sweet.
Author's Response: O.o I'll just say... read the next chapter when it comes ;) Thanks for your review! :D
I admit, I am not a big fan of Hermione right now
Author's Response: Hehe, you really have no idea of what she's going through... so don't hate her! :)
oh goodness...Please tell me that Parvati did not die =( This is so sad.....(and I don't even know for sure that it was Parvati that they are talking about here!)
Author's Response: Okay, I'll tell you: Parvati did not die. But that may not be what happened in the fic. :p Actually, if you read the end carefully, you'll have the answer yourself, my Beta made out in a jiffy :D Thanks for reviewing!
Hey, Pooja! Well, you’re the featured author in our house this month [yay!] and it gave me the idea to come read more of your WIP. I can’t wait till I reach the chapters with your OCs Chris and Daisy in. I think they’re some of the first character threads I ever commented on, so of course they intrigue me. Anyway... your chapter one.
I like how Harry is obviously still in love with Ginny [and vice versa] yet he’s gone and married Parvati because of what she’s done for him, and they’ve had a child together. This is bound to make the rest of the story more complex where relationships are concerned, especially as everyone’ll be living together! I feel sorry for Parvati though, because I have a feeling Harry and Ginny will somehow fall into each other’s arms [being that the category is part Harry/Ginny ;p] but your portrayal of Parvati is so lovely! And if Harry and Ginny don’t end up together, then Harry still seems to love Ginny more. Parvati obviously cares a lot about Harry, and she just wants the best for him. And, besides that, she’s a really friendly person from what we’ve seen of her.
From that, when I read the prologue I thought Harry and Parvati were deeply in love with each other, but from the first chapter I’ve learnt so much about their relationship already. Your Harry is well done. He’s acting the hero whether he realises it or not, just because he’s married Parvati and he’s very much in a stubborn denial about his love for Ginny.
Naina is so cute! Immediately you can see that she has a very good relationship with both of her parents, and her home life is comfortable. Harry and Parvati seem to care about her a lot, and I love the family dynamics you have going on between the three. The alphabet scene was very well done, and I found myself grinning real widely because I could visualise it so well.
Now, I’m not sure whether this is just me being slow, but the beginning of the chapter confused me a bit. Are they doing an assault course as part of their Auror training? At first I thought they were actually fighting a Death Eater, but that was soon cleared up for me, but then the boggart came out of nowhere... It was a nice action-packed start, and it really grabbed my attention, but, as I said, I was slightly confused.
After that, I found it a bit unrealistic when Ron just made hot chocolate appear. It seemed too easy, considering how the trio lived in DH. Maybe have him summon it or something?
I really liked the kind of companionship between Ron and Harry. You did a good job of showing what good friends they are, just in their speech to each other and such. My only nit-pick for how they addressed each other was that it was a lot of ‘mate’. That gets a bit repetitive after a while, and I would consider including the word ‘mate’ less, as when it’s often used it loses some of its impact.
When Harry and Ron are being told about the murders, I find it a bit odd that the note is assumed as being by a ‘she’ by the word ‘want’. To me, ‘want’ in this sense would mean more than the Aurors are assuming. I just don’t think an Auror would overlook all of the possibilities.
A few nit-picks:
said Ron and within a few seconds - I think a comma is needed after the name?
“Yeah, I think so.” Harry replied. - should be so,”.
That’s what we are supposed to do - how about ‘we’re’ instead of ‘we are’? I find contractions sound more natural in direct speech.
Hi Harry - you’ve made this error a few times, but it’s nothing major. Basically, when somebody addresses somebody else, have a comma before the name of the person they’re talking to. So, here, it should be ‘Hi, Harry’.
not getting his eyes off Ginny - ‘not taking’?
Only other nit-pick is this bit of dialogue between Ginny and Hermione:
“Hi,” greeted Ginny, managing a smile. “Good to see you. How are you?”
“I’m fine. What about you?”
“I’m fine, thank you. But are you absolutely sure that you’re fine?”
If you go back and look at it, you’ll see that the order has gone awry somewhere :p In theory, Ginny’s saying the last line, too, but that doesn’t make sense to me when you read the whole block of text together. :/ Also, I got the impression Ginny hadn’t seen her family for a while, yet the two women talk as if they’d only seen each other yesterday or something. If I’m wrong about any considerable time gaps since they last met, please disregard this, but I think they’d both be a bit more enthusiastic if they hadn’t seen each other for a while. Maybe have them hug or something? Again, disregard if I interpreted wrong.
Overall, though, lovely chapter. You’ve set up a good basis to develop your story on, as you’ve left some ideas to think about, such as where Harry’s love truly lies and how he’ll handle it, and how Harry will react to his party, etc.
Lovely story so far, love! xox
Author's Response: Aw Spire... *huggles*. Thank you so much for this lovely review! Chris and Daisy come much later, though, Daisy in chapter 5 and Chris is chapter 7, I think. Anyway. I'm glad you like the family dynamics and the character settings :). About the dummies at the start, it was training. It was just like an assault course, which included a Boggart to see how they tackled it. And Ron conjuring the chocolate-- thanks for pointing that out! I'll correct it immediately. I wasn't aware of the Gamp's laws when this was written, actually, because I wrote this chapter in April, 2007. DH was released in July, 2007. ;) I'll just go and let him summon it. As for the 'mate' troubles... *kills self* I just noticed it. Thanks for telling me! And about the Auror assumptions, I'll see what I can do. Yeah, it's not the complete story the Aurors are getting there, though ;). Obsession... LOL. As for the dialogues, thanks for the nit-picks! I see I've left out quite a few things unattended there. I'll just go correct it now. That dialogue between Ginny and Hermione has been messed up, yes. I just noticed it right now. O.o Oh, I so love such constructive criticism, Spire, you made my day! Do post in the Bar soon, I miss you! Thanks for the review! :)
So, I know you want Ron for yourself *grin* but you can't let him and Hermione get a divorce!!! That's just bananas!!! Last chapter, I thought it was Parineeta...this chapter sounded like it was Daisy :)...I s'pose I will have to wait and find out, huh?
Author's Response: Hehe. No deal. I keep Ron :D. Anyway... just wait and watch, I'd say... ;). Ooh, and no one suspects Rebecca? Or Chris? Or Romilda? Or Irene? Or Ginny? :D It could be Parvati too, you know... *smirks* LOL. Thanks for the review! :)
oh wow, didn't expect this ending - update soon please
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! :)
Waiting anxiously for the next chapter. This just keeps getting better and better
Author's Response: Thank you! Update coming soon! :)
ok, love the story, it my favorite! ;D I think that Chris asked Daisy to marry him then changed this mind, and i think that eather Perittena or Daisy is the killer. update sooooon plz!
Author's Response: Thank you! And Chris asked Daisy to marry him? Hmm... ;) As for the killer, *grins and winks*. Thank you for telling me your views! And the next chapter has been sent to my Beta :).
Oh thats just not right! Hurry along with the next chapter
Author's Response: The next chapter is with my Beta. I'll post it as soon as my mistakes are sorted! Thank you! :)
AAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was not nice. YOU NO KILL HERMY!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Windy says no kill kill hermy
Author's Response: :D Sure, dear, you'll know about Hermione in due time. Just stay on! :)
Author's Response: :D. Thank you for reviewing!
Oh goodness! NOT HERMIONE!!!!! Someone find a bezoar quick and shove it down her throat *SIGH*
Evil Evil Evil...cliffie like that...oh my goodness....
Pleast update soon!!! *twiddling fingers in anxiety that Hermione is dying*
Author's Response: Sure! Update speeding... only, I have a small writer's block. It's taking a bit of time to type that part through. >.< And bezoar? I don't think so... no one's doing any such thing ;). Thanks for your regular reviews! *hugs*
Ron ruler of all prats, wait ago man wait ago
Author's Response: Thank you for your review! :)
yeah people, blame it all on Ronald, why don't you
Author's Response: Hehe, this is Teh Wicked Plot of Teh Awesome-ness (me). I want Ron for myself, see? :D Thanks for the review!
i like it...update soon
Author's Response: Thank you! Update coming ASAP... three more weeks to go for exams to end! :)
poor ron....although...I understand where everyone is coming from...I do hope that he makes everyone understand before it's too late...
Author's Response: Oh, well, I hope he and Hermione stay separate forevaaa!!!! I'll get Ron, then. Muahahahaha! Thanks for the review! :D
Sooo good!!! Plz hurry to continue
Author's Response: Tank you so much! Update coming ASAP... both Pauie and I are really busy, so you may have to wait a bit more... pretty please? :)
I thought it was Harry/Ginny? Hm. XD I guess I’ll have to read on to find out what happens. Anyway…
I love the way this is so rich in a culture that a lot of us aren’t familiar with. My only little nit-pick for the wedding would be that it’s all slightly Muggle. I liked that the bride arrived in a car, but I think it would’ve been nice to use a portkey or something instead of cars, because it’s a bit more magical. I liked how you kept to Parvati’s religions’ customs, but it might’ve been good if there were like, sparks fired from a wand over their head or something before they kiss, just to finalise their marriage. In a way.
But I really did like it, although you described their clothes a bit too much at the beginning, I think. But then, I’ve never been one for physical descriptions of what people wear, so yeah… ;] And I don’t think you need to have ‘dupatta’ italicised.
She was carrying their three-month-old son, Jake in her arms. Ron smiled at her and she returned it. Then, he looked aside and smiled warmly at his best friend and the bridegroom, Harry. Harry too, like Ron was dressed in a sherwani, though it was white. - You need a comma after ‘Jake’ and another after ‘like Ron’.
Anyway, I could really imagine the scene, and the lack of speech was good, because I could feel the peace of the ceremony and all. I loved the opening line of the prologue purely because it was beautiful, and it illuminated the setting, in a way. It flowed well into the rest of the paragraph, you see.
The people belonging to the bride’s side were wearing traditional Christian gowns and suits while the people from the side of the bridegroom were dressed in saris and sherwanis- the traditional Hindu attire.
Having a clear division between the two religions was good, and realistic. Also, it shows how different the couples’ backgrounds are, in a way - I mean, their upbringing and beliefs, for example [correct me if I’m wrong about that, though - I don’t really know much about Hinduism]. But, what I liked best, was how you have both sides acknowledging how the other half of the family live, in a simple, but significant, gesture like this. If you know what I mean …
Yeah. Well done, honey. I will read on. :] xx
Author's Response: *Squees and huggles Spire* Aw, thank you, honey, you've made my day! Yeah. The story is H/G. You'll get me when yo read the next chapter ;). About Parvati arriving in a car... I'll see what I can do about that. But yeah, I guess I'll edit in with the sparks and the commas. :) Clothes... I guess I was just sorta excited about the saris and all... you know me, I'm hyper. >.<. Thank you for your comments on the first para! It was written like, two years from today... quite old. LOL. And the opposite cultures... it was just like a bolt of lightning from thin air. LOL. Thank you so, so much!
Great chapter! I want to know what Chris did to Daisy! I hope we find out soon. :) Well, I'm not sure what to think about how Hermione treated Ron. On the one hand, she had the right to walk away from him because he's been distancing himself from her. But, on the other hand, Ron was totally bearing his soul right in front of her! I know that if my husband was crying right in front of me, I wouldn't be able to walk away. Believe me, I hate it when he cries and I've only seen him do it a couple of times. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I hope that Hermione's cold behavior doesn't cause Ron to do something stupid! Can't wait to read more! This story has really pulled me in! Update soon!!! :)
Author's Response: Ooh, what did Chris do to Daisy??? O.O You'll know soon, dear, as soon as I'm done with these stupid exams... And Hermione and Ron. Well, sometimes, if things are bound to go wrong, then no force in the world can stop that from happening... so there you go... poor and Hermione... well... thanks for the review!!!
I am enjoying this fic. I like what you have done.
Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much! :)