Hmmmm...romance! Love triangle! :) I really enjoy the way this story is written, it is very enjoyable and easy to read. Again, for the most part I really like the characterization of pretty much everyone, lol. Father!Harry is just a dear, and his daughter sounds extremely cute and like she has him wrapped around her finger. And he is so clueless about his surprise party, especially considering she gave him one the year before.
I am conflicted on how I feel about Harry and Ginny's initial meeting. Harry being older and married (with a child) - I'm not sure he'd be quite so blatant about how he feels about Ginny, if he even felt that way. Perhaps he would have felt conflicted at first, though that confusion was there, his behavior made it obvious - the staring and forgetting what was being asked of him. Ron was shocked he liked her in sixth year, so I'm not sure he would be so obvious now as an adult.
Harry does seem somewhat emotionally stunted still at times, but still true to his noble side. I found myself thinking he should NEVER let Pavarti know he is thinking that "he had to repay her by loving her as much as she loved him." Ouch! But I do agree, as a married women for three years now, that men are still, and will always be, clueless. :)
It made me giggle when they were talking about the murderer being a woman because they were a fan of Harry's. Not going to explore the fact that it might be a man in love with Harry?! He's so irresistible!! :)
I was surprised that no one told Ginny they were married. And Harry seemed to know she didn't know. I know Hermione explains it later, but I still thought it was odd. Someone getting married is a pretty big deal, so if she had come back from training, I would have assumed someone would have told her, especially considering he now also has a kid. Are we assuming that this is the first time she's coming into the country? I guess I'm surprise her mother was able to not say anything.
I totally wanted to run into the story and yell at Harry for yelling at Pavarti about her garlic! If that makes sense, lol. I like the career you've chosen for her, and the maturity level you've given her, while still maintaining her personality and the Pavarti we knew in the books.
One small note, I'm not sure that Hermione (or anyone) would say (as opposed to write in a note or something) "b'day".
Sorry if the review is haphazd...I read this a few days ago on paper, and I'm skimming through the notes I took down. Onto Chapter 3!
Hey, Pooja! Well, you’re the featured author in our house this month [yay!] and it gave me the idea to come read more of your WIP. I can’t wait till I reach the chapters with your OCs Chris and Daisy in. I think they’re some of the first character threads I ever commented on, so of course they intrigue me. Anyway... your chapter one.
I like how Harry is obviously still in love with Ginny [and vice versa] yet he’s gone and married Parvati because of what she’s done for him, and they’ve had a child together. This is bound to make the rest of the story more complex where relationships are concerned, especially as everyone’ll be living together! I feel sorry for Parvati though, because I have a feeling Harry and Ginny will somehow fall into each other’s arms [being that the category is part Harry/Ginny ;p] but your portrayal of Parvati is so lovely! And if Harry and Ginny don’t end up together, then Harry still seems to love Ginny more. Parvati obviously cares a lot about Harry, and she just wants the best for him. And, besides that, she’s a really friendly person from what we’ve seen of her.
From that, when I read the prologue I thought Harry and Parvati were deeply in love with each other, but from the first chapter I’ve learnt so much about their relationship already. Your Harry is well done. He’s acting the hero whether he realises it or not, just because he’s married Parvati and he’s very much in a stubborn denial about his love for Ginny.
Naina is so cute! Immediately you can see that she has a very good relationship with both of her parents, and her home life is comfortable. Harry and Parvati seem to care about her a lot, and I love the family dynamics you have going on between the three. The alphabet scene was very well done, and I found myself grinning real widely because I could visualise it so well.
Now, I’m not sure whether this is just me being slow, but the beginning of the chapter confused me a bit. Are they doing an assault course as part of their Auror training? At first I thought they were actually fighting a Death Eater, but that was soon cleared up for me, but then the boggart came out of nowhere... It was a nice action-packed start, and it really grabbed my attention, but, as I said, I was slightly confused.
After that, I found it a bit unrealistic when Ron just made hot chocolate appear. It seemed too easy, considering how the trio lived in DH. Maybe have him summon it or something?
I really liked the kind of companionship between Ron and Harry. You did a good job of showing what good friends they are, just in their speech to each other and such. My only nit-pick for how they addressed each other was that it was a lot of ‘mate’. That gets a bit repetitive after a while, and I would consider including the word ‘mate’ less, as when it’s often used it loses some of its impact.
When Harry and Ron are being told about the murders, I find it a bit odd that the note is assumed as being by a ‘she’ by the word ‘want’. To me, ‘want’ in this sense would mean more than the Aurors are assuming. I just don’t think an Auror would overlook all of the possibilities.
A few nit-picks:
said Ron and within a few seconds - I think a comma is needed after the name?
“Yeah, I think so.” Harry replied. - should be so,”.
That’s what we are supposed to do - how about ‘we’re’ instead of ‘we are’? I find contractions sound more natural in direct speech.
Hi Harry - you’ve made this error a few times, but it’s nothing major. Basically, when somebody addresses somebody else, have a comma before the name of the person they’re talking to. So, here, it should be ‘Hi, Harry’.
not getting his eyes off Ginny - ‘not taking’?
Only other nit-pick is this bit of dialogue between Ginny and Hermione:
“Hi,” greeted Ginny, managing a smile. “Good to see you. How are you?”
“I’m fine. What about you?”
“I’m fine, thank you. But are you absolutely sure that you’re fine?”
If you go back and look at it, you’ll see that the order has gone awry somewhere :p In theory, Ginny’s saying the last line, too, but that doesn’t make sense to me when you read the whole block of text together. :/ Also, I got the impression Ginny hadn’t seen her family for a while, yet the two women talk as if they’d only seen each other yesterday or something. If I’m wrong about any considerable time gaps since they last met, please disregard this, but I think they’d both be a bit more enthusiastic if they hadn’t seen each other for a while. Maybe have them hug or something? Again, disregard if I interpreted wrong.
Overall, though, lovely chapter. You’ve set up a good basis to develop your story on, as you’ve left some ideas to think about, such as where Harry’s love truly lies and how he’ll handle it, and how Harry will react to his party, etc.
Lovely story so far, love! xox
Author's Response: Aw Spire... *huggles*. Thank you so much for this lovely review! Chris and Daisy come much later, though, Daisy in chapter 5 and Chris is chapter 7, I think. Anyway. I'm glad you like the family dynamics and the character settings :). About the dummies at the start, it was training. It was just like an assault course, which included a Boggart to see how they tackled it. And Ron conjuring the chocolate-- thanks for pointing that out! I'll correct it immediately. I wasn't aware of the Gamp's laws when this was written, actually, because I wrote this chapter in April, 2007. DH was released in July, 2007. ;) I'll just go and let him summon it. As for the 'mate' troubles... *kills self* I just noticed it. Thanks for telling me! And about the Auror assumptions, I'll see what I can do. Yeah, it's not the complete story the Aurors are getting there, though ;). Obsession... LOL. As for the dialogues, thanks for the nit-picks! I see I've left out quite a few things unattended there. I'll just go correct it now. That dialogue between Ginny and Hermione has been messed up, yes. I just noticed it right now. O.o Oh, I so love such constructive criticism, Spire, you made my day! Do post in the Bar soon, I miss you! Thanks for the review! :)
This chapter is really great! For a moment there, in the beginning of the chapter, i thought that Ginny had stopped loving Harry. She was a really great actor. i think it's pretty sad to see Ginny longing for Harry and Harry longing for Ginny. I feel bad for Parvati though. She seems really nice now that she has grown up. And I can't wait to read more about the serial killer who is a fan of Harry's. I think I might know who it might be. I'm probably wrong though. I shall read on now!
Author's Response: The killer... yes. I promise, with all my heart to keep making you guess throughout this story! *wink*
Poor Ginny...I don't blame her for thinking Parvati framed Harry.
Author's Response: Um... you're pitying Ginny? I'd pity Parvati... no, no... don't take me wrong, I'm just saying that I'd pity Parvati, because Ginny's not believing her ;)
I DON'T WANT TO REVEIW BECAUSE I WANT TO READ MORE!!!! LOVE THE STORY!!!!!
Author's Response: Uh oh, that's dangerous. Reviwing is a good habit. But thanks!
I don’t really like the idea Harry will have relationship to Ginny behind Parvati’s back. Well, maybe I’m too wicked, but I rather like Parvati is dead by Harry’s fan who relates to Harry’s case in Ministry right now, so at the end Harry can continue his life with Ginny and his daughter then.
I really love to know that Parvati doesn’t forget about Harry’s birthday and even organizes his birthday party without Harry’s knowledge. Even though, I think it’s really hard for her that she must admit his own husband doesn’t love her as many as she wants. And she still loves Harry in great way.
Author's Response: :O You want Parvati to DIE? Not even DIVORCE Harry? you wicked, wicked person! But just wait and watch, you never know what will happen... Yeah, I am so glad that my readers admire Parvati! I never really liked her very much in the books, but my own story has made me develop respect for her. The ideal Indian bride... but Harry's not exactly the ideal hubby, unfortunately. Thanks for reviewing! :)
That was good! It's very akward between Harry and Ginny, and I like that. Naina is so cute! For that reason, I don't want Harry to divorce Pavarti, but I do, becausse then he'll be with Ginny.
Author's Response: You want Harry to divorce Parvati? *Smiles mischeviously* . The consequences under which Harry will um... go(?) towards Ginny will be *ahem*... I won't reveal too much. Pauie and I will keep our secret, until it is all done, so wait and watch! :)
ohh... poor ginny
stupid harry!! how could he marry her to thank her for saving him..... wait to see what will happen looks like a good story
Author's Response: I know, Harry's a real git, isn't he? Yes, there's a lot coming up, and you'll be singing a different tune on who's poor at that time ;) Thanks for the review!
interesting...keep it up. I look forward to reading more!
Author's Response: Yes, you'll read more... a lot more! Thanks for the review! :)
the beta speaks: so nice, isn't it? just enough intrigue and suspense brewing to promise a whole lot more? ^_^ can i even review? well, too late now, im too fond of Pooja, hehe
Author's Response: LOL, Pauie, you're sweet! Thanks for reviewing my story!!! :)
awesome start to this story! i hope you have more chapters coming cause this story is great!
Author's Response: Yeah, a lot more chapters. My Beta is AWESOME, and I'm sure all the chapters will be validated right the first time. I promise you'll enjoy this story A LOT. Thanks for the review!