Oh my gosh, this story was so sad!! I loved it though. It was well-written and followed Sirius's character very well. Great job!
Ooh. Teh Sirius awesomeness. You know, he probably is insane. After everything that's happened to him, anyone would be. Actually, my friend diagnosed him with a severe case of PTSD, which is strangely accurate to this fic... wierd. Nice job, by the way.
That was bloody brilliant.
I'm speechless. Reading this I truly believed that Sirius is teetering on the edge of madness. I really believed it. You have managed to convince me 100%.
This story was the epitome of angst. I didn't cry - but it just filled me with such sorrow that it was painful. That's a good sign, though.
Doesn't change the fact that it burns when they tell their friends that Sirius is just the little hired hand's son.
That's just sad. Believable of Sirius's parents, but sad. No wonder the little boy got messed up.
he's beginning to wonder if any other little kids feel like they're about to go insane.
This was scary. Yes, scary. That a little kid should be having these thoughts...that a little boy should be on the edge of insanity...beautifully sorrowful.
"Oh good. Now you can crash and burn like a real Quiddich player." Perhaps if he's too caustic, Regulus will give up and let him sulk in peace. But his brother's face falls, and suddenly he realizes that Regulus just wants to please him. He's overcome with the desire to destroy his brother's optimism, because Regulus gets everything and it's hurting more and more as it keeps happening.
"I'll let you ride it." Regulus sounds so naive. It just makes him more angry.
This was what almost made me cry. It was just...sweet and realistic. Regulus is trying to be so nice, but Sirius cannot love him when their parents hate Sirius. Poor Regulus. That way you wrote this part just instigates feelings of immense pity for both Black boys. Sirius, because he's neglected and unloved by his parents, and Regulus, because he was born into such a family, and because of the way his brother treats him, even though all he is trying to do is be nice.
Oh and, you forgot the 't' in 'Quidditch.'
When he's out of candy suitable for throwing (there are such things, like chocolate frogs, that should never be thrown at an enemy because that's just a crime) he begins trying to talk to Severus.
Really, would Snape let someone throw things at him like that? If he has the power to stop bullying, he does. I highly doubt he would just sit there.
No boy wants a madman for a godfather anyway.
Now this is tragic. That Sirius is admitting it himself is what affects me. He knows he has slipped off the edge to the pool of insanity, he's lost, and he's got no hope. So sad.
I would quote all the lines I thought were powerful and beautiful, but I'd end up quoting the whole story. It was simply wonderful, and very powerful in terms of emotions. You manage to convey madness very clearly. Not to mention Sirius's excellent characterization. Lovely story, my dear!
That was heartbreaking, and incredibly powerful. It gives a really solid motive for everything Sirius does. I love the stream of consciousness way of writing, becuase it perfectly embodies how Sirius is; his wildness and his inability to think of the consequences.
The only thing I would say, however, is the ending could be a tiny bit more powerful. This isn't really a criticism, because it was damn good, but I think you can write well enough to develop that a bit more. But please don't take that the wrong way, it was really, really good.
The piece as a whole was quite subtle, which I liked, because with an idea like this it would be easy to just go on and on with all guns blazing and make it a big emo ball of Pain. But it's subtle, and the subtlety mixed with the countdown make it all the more heartbreaking, because as a reader you can see the gradual change. But, I'd still say that a bit more is needed at the end, and also I'd've liked to see it a bit longer, but I think that's just cause I liked it so much :)
Keep going, hope this review wasn't too long and irritating xx
