This is a very interesting story, Biscuits. I think you have come up with a very believable scenario where Peter might consider joining the ‘dark side’. I’ve read several of the challenge stories so far, and many of those works pick up on the idea of Peter sensing that something has changed between himself and the other Marauders. I think that is the door the gets cracked open and leaves Peter susceptible to some form of persuasion. You did a great job of making a point of this in your story. Great job!


I also really liked how you had Lucius Malfoy doing the persuading. That seems very much in his nature, from what we know in the books. We see him in OOtP, always around Fudge. We don’t know for sure what the two of them discuss behind closed doors. However, the implication is that Malfoy is using his powers of influence to attempt to steer Fudge in directions he desires. Your portrayal falls in line nicely with canon.


However, I would have liked to see even more. Peter is weak and I really thing Lucius would have sensed this and pressed even harder than he did. I really think Lucius, at some point in their meeting, may have attempted some form of intimidation. I think he might sense that Peter would be vulnerable to it. I guess, to make this even better, I would have almost liked to see Lucius work in a bit more of a threat … a stronger threat. Do you follow what I mean?


Another thing, though I liked the way you included all of the questions going through Peter’s head initially, it became a bit repetitive. I felt like he was asking the same thing over and over again. Now, that’s a real feeling, and those things can go on in a person’s head, but that doesn’t make it a better read, necessarily. Perhaps what you could have done, as an alternative, you could have worked in some more specific memories illustrating why he had the thoughts that he had. Tell us about some of the pranks they (James, Remus, and Sirius) played on him in greater detail. Give your reader something more to go on, concrete images. Don’t just say, ‘they played pranks on me’.


Okay, I’ve rambled on way too much. I know I’ve pointed out some constructive thoughts here, but I don’t want that to detract from your work. I enjoyed the story a lot and wish you luck in the challenge!

Author's Response: I see what you mean, it does repeat a lot. Andrea pointed that out too, I think. Still, I love concrit, so I'm happy! Thanks for the great review, its all taken on board! Glad you liked it!