Oh, that was so good! Sad, romantic and definitely refreshing after all those Dramiones sailing around. Thank you!
Author's Response: Aww! That's so sweet of you! *huggles* And I should thank you for leaving such a lovely review. You just made my day :)
oh my god!! that was beautiful!! it made me feel so bad for draco!!
Author's Response: :D Thank you, hun! *blushes* Oh, and you can always give Draco a hug if you want to make him feel better; 'cuz, lets face it, all the bloke needs is a big, bear hug! :)
That was really good. I have tears in my eyes right now. Originally i wasnt sure if i wanted to read it but then i got pulled into the story. either way it was amazing. not very many other FFs have made me cry(i dont cry a lot). Keep writing. Don't let anything keep you down. ;)
Author's Response: *hands tissue* Wow! You just made my day dear! *squishes* Thanks fot the amazing compliment and for encouraging me to keep griting :D I'm really glad you read and reviewed this *hugs* Thank you!
Author's Response: I just realized I wrote 'writing' with a 'g' *facepalm* Whoops! :)
I liked this fic a lot. You really know how to write romance, and it helped that some of it was based on your first kiss. The kiss was very believable, and it didn't seem like you were adding any extra dialogue just as a filler. Great job, as that goes!
In the beginning, when Roxanne was lying on the floor, the way that you described her feelings and pain was very good. It was detailed, and it was like you were there, and had interviewed her! I loved that!
The way that you used flashbacks in the fic were great! It was nessecary in the fic, as in some, they are just put in to say they have a flashback. You put the perfect moments in, too. It really showed what Roxanne was really like, because everyone is different when they are in a situation like that. It really helped that character develop, and it seemed like you really knew her. Since she was an OC, your readers really didn't know anything, before you put in the flashback.
The only thing that I didn't like was that Lucius didn't show up again at the end of the story. It was like he totally dropped out and was never mentioned again. You just left us hanging there and didn't tell us where he went, he just suddenly wasn't there, you know what I mean? I doubt that he would have let them talk freely. Also, I'm curious, did Draco die? What happened afterwards? I think that you could have put a little bit more at the end.
Author's Response: OMG! Claire! That's such a sweet review! *huggles to death* Thank you so much! :D I totally agree with you on the Lucius bit *headdesk* He just randomly disappeared... Hm, well... maybe I can say he just didn't care about what could happen to Daco and thus he left him there? *apologetic smile* *sheepish grin* Oh, and you're right... it was a rather abrupt ending... Draco didn't die... but... who wants an Epilogue? *waits for readers' hands to bolt upward* :D Alas, thanks for the wonderful review! *hugs some more*
Sorry to leave another review. But i kpt thinking about the story and Roxanne reminds me of Megan Fox.. Haha. Or Rachael from one tree hill. Idk why.. But i just thought id put that out there. Lolzz! K byee.
Author's Response: *laughs* Ok :D Hope you like the characters she reminds you of ;) Thanks for reviewing!
Aaghh i cant get over draco having a heart. I love it and i pray to god he will be able to find it in the future of the hp series. Thank you for this story.
Author's Response: I hope he finds it too! He DOES have it! I KNOW!!! :D You're very welcome hun, and thanks for the sweet review. Glad you liked it.
So very sad, it is a bittersweet story. Roxanne and Draco are so alike, it was funny how they bickered at times. I smiled inside at some of the things they said.
I just think perhaps the story should have been a bit longer, with longer memories that go deeper into their relationship.
For a first fanfic, this was great. You should definetly keep writing. ^_~
Author's Response: :D Gracias! Yeah... I like how they bicker and fight too. I believe this makes them look less fluffy *sheepish grin* I'd have liked to make it a tad longer... but I'm afraid I'd have rambled *blushes* so.. well... Anyways, thanks for the fanatbulous review honey!
This was a great story! I loved it!!! It made me feel so many emotions which is rare when I read fanfiction. Thanks goodness Ellie (msdiggoryx3) recommended this to me!! 10/10! :)
Author's Response: OMG! Thanks for the cute review and the lovely PM! I'm so glad you liked it, and I shall thank Ellie for being an awesome Beta too! :D
OMG, this was simply breathtaking! In a wonderful way though. I loved this story! I really like Draco's character, since the first book even, I was never sure why but I do. I think its cause I think he is really a different person beneath it all. I loved this story! If chocolate chip cookies could be sent over the internet you would certainly get a thousand! Wow, I'm so glad that such a great author is willing to make a banner for such a dreadful one.
Author's Response: Aww! Thanks for the lovely words, darling! I like Draco, too; especially because I think that his permanent sneer is just a facade... he's had a hard life. :D And you're NOT a dreadful Author!!! You're A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! I loved your poem! That's why I'm making a banner for it in the first place ;) *hugs*
Awww...it was great! I've been looking forward to reading this ever since I first saw that banner, and I'm so glad I have! My favorite line has to be, "the tension was so thick you could cut it with a Severing Charm. " I love it! I started clapping and dancing when I read that line! So creative of you! But then again...I already knew how creative you were!
This was so different than I imagined it to be, in a good way of course. Reading the title, I figured it would have the same vibe as the song. I was very very wrong. This piece was powerful, moving, and inspiring! You did a great job conveying feelings and portraying the characters!
I think it is so cute that you based the kiss on your own first kiss! Fanfiction should reflect life, and yours certainly does!
The ending is also very interesting. We never really find out why she dies, but she does. The entire concept was very interesting. I especially love how you had Malfoy fall in love with an intern Healer. If someone were to say that to me, I'd immediantly think it's OOC, but you portrayed in perfectly. I was convinced this could happen!
Overall, great fic! I'm so proud of you! *hugs Priz*
See you in the Gryff CR and the RHP! And, oh, WE WON THE HOUSE CUP!!! YAYYYY!!!
Author's Response: *is tackled* lol. SQUEE!!! THANKS FOR DROPPING BY, CJ!!! ok, capslock!Priz gone... I'm really glad you liked this, and I'm specially thrilled that you thought it creative! Also, I'm really relieved that I made this convincing and that I could keep my beloved Draco IC... I would't stand it if someone were to say I made him Mr. Mushy OoC!Draco. *shudders* About the first kiss thing... *blushes madly so that her face gives the Weasley's hair a run for its money* Enough said... Anyways, thanks for the amazingly great review and the lovely compliments! I'm most grateful for all your support, dear. *hugs back tightly* See ya at the CR!!
Author's Response: YAAAAY!!!!! GOOOO TOASTERS!!!
Wow...That was amazing Priz! You have such a wonderful writing style. Gryffies truly are the best. I love the description in the first few paragraphs. They set the stage perfectly.
The flashbacks are also perfect. It gives you a real sense of the developement between Roxanne and Draco. Wonderful!
"Every time he found something he liked or even loved, life just snatched it away from him, mocking him shamelessly. That’s why he refused to get fond of anything, but with Roxanne… he just couldn’t help it. And now, life was just stealing her away, as always."
*cries* Poor Draco! That is so terribly sad...but it was beautifully done. Once again, you are very adept at description.
“That I wasn’t mistaken after all,” she explained “I’ve always known that your eyes were made out of melted silver under an ice layer. And now, I’m witnessing how the ice is finally melting.”
*cries harder* That's so perfect! Gasp...I can't say anything more than that.
Overall: This is an excellent fic, Priz! Though you are new, you already write at a level it takes most authors years to acheive. Good for you! :) Keep writing and good luck with future fics!
Author's Response: Aww! thanks for reviewing, Hallie! I feel sorry for Draco too... I think all he needs is a hug *hugs Draco*. I'm really glad you liked it! Thanks again for your kind words, you really made my day! *hugs back*
This is in payment for the banner that you are making me, that I’m sure will be wonderful. Thanks for doing that, and I hope this is a good enough treat for making that!
Wow. I’m not a huge fan of Draco, but this made it seem so real. He went good, and didn’t seem all mushy and “I’ve done wrong!” which is a feat in itself. The few corrections I would make are mostly just adjective and flow, so you can use them, or not. Up to you.
The first thing I found was that you used the word head three times in one sentence. Instead of “her head started to spin, a searing headache feeling as though it would split her head in two.” How about, “the world started to spin, a searing headache feeling as though it would split her forehead in two.” That’s just seems to sound better if you read it aloud.
The next line says “All of a sudden, the screams, the cries, the noise of the battle itself, turned into a fuzzy roar in the back of her mind; in fact, the only thing she could hear clearly was the slow sound of her heartbeat pounding in her ears.” Instead I’d say, “The screams, cries and noise of the battle itself faded into a fuzzy roar in the back of her mind, the only distinguishable sound being her own heartbeat pounding in her ears.” This is more of a formal sentence, so it seems to suit a story a little better. I do love the bit about the noise turning into a fuzzy roar and her heartbeat being the only part she could hear. I can almost hear it myself. Good job.
This little paragraph that comes next, I’d just change the last line from “It made her feel powerless, as though she couldn’t fight any longer.” To “She felt powerless, time and strength were running low.” That just uses the word “her” one less time, because it was a little repetitive.
I love the part about her moving away from death, as well as away from the battle. It’s very well written, and having to fight herself.
“A few minutes and a lot of blood-coughing later, her numb hands touched the wall and, exhausted, she slumped against it.” This line was perfect, and I mean that, except for the blood-coughing. It doesn’t seem to fit with all the other words, I would change it to “A few minutes later, still heaving blood, she touched the wall with numb fingers. Exhausted and relieved, she slumped against it.” Or something like that.
“Sweat, blood and dirt hid their faces, turning them into nameless knights.” YIPPEE! That line was beautiful, and full of wonderful imagery. It truly shows the brute of the battle, so excellent job!
““Perhaps this will teach you who you must be loyal to, Draco,” the masked man hissed like a cobra about to strike again.” Hm… I think that, while the analogy to cobras is really good, the “hissed like a cobra about to strike again.” Doesn’t quite sound right. I’d probably say “the masked man hissed like a cobra, as he raised his wand, about to strike again.”
The memory was excellent, and the next thing that was below the standards of the rest was “No wonder why she had been a Slytherin.” I think you may have an extra word in there… how about “No wonder she had been a Slytherin.”? I just think it’s less of a mouthful.
You certaintly write memories beautifully, because the next little thing is after that one, when you say ”But when their lips finally touched, the kiss tasted of bittersweet farewell dressed with blood’s coppery taste.” There’s a few issues with that sentence, namely the first word. As ‘but’ is a coordinating conjunction, you can’t start a sentence with it. The only other thing is that the “the kiss tasted of bittersweet farewell dressed with blood’s coppery taste.” Since you already used coppery as an adjective to describe blood, I’d recommend something else, for example, “The kiss tasted of sweet farewell dressed with the bitter company of blood’s taste.” With those two minor things, I’d write it like “When their lips finally touched, however, the kiss tasted of sweet farewell dressed with the bitter company of blood’s taste.” That’s just how I would do it, that really is up to you.
“Draco denied stubbornly, shaking his head. Even though he knew she was going to leave him soon.” That’s a dependant clause at the end, so for it to be a complete sentence it needs to be combined with the one before it. So, I’d write it as, “Draco denied stubbornly, shaking his head, though he knew it was the truth; she was going to leave him alone in the world yet again.”
The ending was simply gorgeous, so wonderful job with that. I really loved the entire thing, and I hope you don’t take this as me peeling apart your story to find miniscule faults. It’s really that I’m just trying to help, so I hope you don’t mind it.
Wonderful job, and thanks again for making me the banner. I can’t wait to see it!
Author's Response: *is breathless* WOW! This is just the best review ever! I'm most grateful! As you can see, one of my main problems here is awkward phrazing (specially in the headache bit... *shudders**goes to change it*) so your suggestions are just what the doctor ordered, dear. I love the way you make my choppy sentences flow better, thank you! Really, this was such a great review... hope the banner is worth it. Thanks again for reviewing and helping me become a better author! ~Priz
This was a really great story. I thought this was a really sweet story. I loved how you kept Draco in character. Some people can't do that, and you did a really nice job on that. I also really liked Roxanne. She was really sweet and had a really strong will. I loved how she just wouldn't give up and how you showed how she felt empty when she didn't know how to fight back. Very well done.
Author's Response: *Squee!* Hi Jamie! :D I'm really glad you liked this story, and I'm extremely relieved that I could manage to keep Draco in character! (I was quite worried about that, to tell the tuth). Thanks for the sweet review!
Great one-shot! I liked Roxanne she seemed really interesting. I especially liked her Healer background and the way that she and Draco met. It was interesting! Good job, Priz!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Allie! I enjoyed writing about Roxanne too, she's one of my favourite OC's, specially because she's a Healer ;) ~Priz, member of the MNFF Toaster Trio
*sobs unabashedly* This is just so wonderfully sad yet sweet, especially for a first fic.
I love how you made Roxanne very believable. She has her faults along with her strengths, and you made her a Slytherin instead of having Draco end up with a Gryffindor (because if he's good, he must be a Gryffindor, say some authors).
However, there was a part where you repeated yourself. "Draco smiled slightly at the memory, but was snapped back to reality when Roxanne started to cough and shake violently." this is a great sentence, but when you repeat 'cough and shake in the next paragraph: "Her eyes were squeezed shut as she fought to make herself stop shaking and coughing" it sounds a bit odd. Also, when you say, "His scream, which was blood-chilling, erupted from him as his eyes filled up with tears", you don't have to add the 'which was'. It makes the sentence sound a bit strange. Other than that, the story goes along smoothly.
This is such a lovely fic, and I can't wait to read more like this by you! Excellent job!
Author's Response: Thanks for the great review, darling! *goes and edits some words* Yeah... I do tend to do that, but I'm going to avoid it from now on! I'm sorry I made you sob... :D Thanks again, Laila! ~Priz, from the MNFF Toaster Trio
Priz! *tackles* Yes! A fic by you! *loves*
This is great, ya know. Really wonderful. There's a ton of emotion under it all, lots of feelings, lots of...realness? (See, I told you my review wouldn't make sense. 'Realness' is a god awful word. Anyways.)
I love the way you could make the readers feel for the characters. Wonderful job.
Nitpicks, because I'm so evil like that (sorry!):
The change of POV (from Roxanne to Draco) was a bit disconcerting, but handled well once I realized what you were doing. Just pointing out that it was rather abrupt. Just adding an ellipsis (...) between these two paragraphs would be good, in my opinion.
With that, he lowered his wand, releasing the young man before him from his torture, and walked away.
Draco lay on the floor, panting and sore. Then, out of nowhere a soft, female voice called after him,
^^ I think the ellipsis would be good between those paragraphs. But that's just my opinion. Anywho.
One last thing - why didn't Draco go for help? Was he unable to? Why was he unable to?
My only thoughts on that: a) he can't Disapparate on Hogwarts grounds, and b) she can't do Side-Along Apparation, c) they're prisoners...? (I doubt that one.) Anyways, I was just wondering. Not to attack your first fic, though. Please don't say I was mean! I honestly didn't mean to.
As a final note - this was a great first fic (well, validated anyways.) I really like it, and think it was written beautifully. But I'm biased. :D What? You're part of the Trio.
So...any more fics coming soon? *wink wink nudge nudge*
~Kate, of the MNFF Toaster Trio
Author's Response: Aww! Thanks for the lovely, sweet and helpful review! (the longest I've ever recieved, btw :D) *goes to add elipsis* You're right, it'd soften the change of POV. But that doesn't change the fact that youre evil! :P Yup, Draco didn't go get help because it'd have been useless since they can't Disapparate in Hogwarts and Roxanne was too weak to side-long Apparate, anyway. Also, Draco was aware of Roxanne's condition, so he wanted to be with her as much as he could. More fics are coming! A poem (which I'm sure you already know about *wink*) and a Humour fic. ;) ~Priz, of the MNFF Toaster Trio
I thought it was very good. I like Draco, in some way. And it's nice to see him like this. It was sweet, but real and sad. Constructive criticism...I really don't know how to give it. Maybe just dwell a little more on their feelings. Lol, thats just me, as I'm obsessed with feelings and their discriptions. But it was very good! I hope you'll have many more stories to share.
Author's Response: Thanks for the lovely review, Mia! I love describing feelings too, but I tend to make some passages overly dramatic when writing Dark/Angsty fics, that's why I didn't go in depth with some descriptions :) Oh and more stories will be coming soon, promise.
WAHAY!! It was validated! *squees*
Okay, randomness over. But, as your beta, I think I'm allowed to be a little hyper...
Anyway... I love this story, and you already know what I think of it pretty much, so this review will be completely empty of any concrit. I'm sure you won't mind. But, well done! (and thanks for the thanks!)
Ash (who thinks this review makes no sense)
Author's Response: It does make sense, dear! Thanks for reviewing!!! :D Oh, and I'd have been a total moron if I didn't thak you for all your amazing work! *hugs* ~Priz (who is equally hyper since this is my first story :D)
I loved your story! How sad!
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, sweetheart! I'm glad you liked it. Sorry if it depressed you ;)
Author's Response: Btw, thanks for giving me my first review ever!