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Reviews For All At Once

Name: GringottsVault711 (Signed) · Date: 01/27/08 11:06 · For: Vivid
AHH. This is the most depressing story ever. EVER.

From the very beginning, there’s that horrible, sad feeling of knowing that this day that stands out so vividly is the last day. The addition of this: … and maybe that was how it was supposed to be, is just so touching, and beautiful and heartbreaking. It makes me just want to throw my arms around life and cling to it for all that it’s worth. The chapter title is incredible, too.

Cedric’s treatment of Cho frustrated me so much, even though it’s utterly necessary. If Cedric had broken up with her, then she would have been even more confused about her feelings after his death. And, yes, his greatest fear is about letting people down, and so it’s difficult for him to face breaking up with her. But, I was just mentally shaking my fist at him, telling him to stop being a coward, and stop putting his own comfort above Cho’s feelings. Dragging it out only hurts her more, pretending as if nothing’s wrong only damages her more. *sigh*

And then we have him with Katie, and it’s just so beautiful and EVEN MORE SAD. Because, they were about to embark on this lovely relationship, and… time just ran out. It’s just awful, like there is something gnawing at my insides, a terrible pain. And it just makes me hate Voldemort even more, because we see how awful the affect is when he robs Cedric of his life.

*sigh* All that said, I think your use of the canon storyline was very poignant. I might be depressed forever, yes, but that’s a sign of a good story. I will say that this chapter, by far, the best portion of All At Once, not only in the intensity of the culmination of the story (and it is very intense, emotionally), but writing wise. It came right down to the characters and their relationships, and their feelings.

Wonderful. I feel that ‘Vivid’ is what truly makes this story what it is. The chapter has that same sort of frozen moment in time that the day had for Cedric. I don’t think there’s any way to purposely approach capturing that feeling in a chapter, but you definitely managed it.

Name: GringottsVault711 (Signed) · Date: 01/27/08 10:39 · For: The Deliberation

I don’t know how I feel about Ed and Porter ‘waiting on tenterhooks’ to find out how Cedric’s night with Cho went. It’s not like a cynical ‘Oh, guys don’t care’; it’s just the way they go about showing interest is very different from females. I think of how Chandler and Joey were there for Ross when he was deciding between Rachel and Julie, and how Weiss was there for Vaughn when he was having issues with being married to Lauren while he still had feelings for Sydney. Guys care, they’re there for one another, but don’t get involved to the extent women often do.

I think they’re conversation is a good reflection of how they might be their for Cedric, but I’m a little put off at how interested they were. If they knew it would be like Cedric to head down to the stadium, probably for alone time as was his plan, would they really have gone down there, too? Are they that anxious, that they have nothing else to do? I mean, if I went somewhere to be alone, I’d want my friends to figure that out, and not put their interest ahead of my time to think things over. So yes, I love that they know him well enough, and that they’re concerned. I just think as guys, they’d want to give their friend the time he wants, and let him come to talk to him when he’s ready.

Aside from the guy stuff, this chapter is a rather painful one to read. I feel really awful for Cho. Maybe more awful than I would normally. I’m not sure why, because it’s not like I’m in her position or anything, but to be broken up with, not because you did anything wrong, or because there was a fight, but because you’re just not enough? Poor dear. As such, I feel no sympathy for Cedric in this chapter. It’s not that I hate him, or he deserves it, but it’s just that necessary emotion that comes with having to make that sort of choice. She’s going to be hurt, so he has to have a negative backlash, too. It’s just something he has to live with (not for long, though. *cough*).

Her fate had been sealed with that kiss. Wonderful line; painful, yes. But just, so sad, for Cedric and for Cho. :(

And, here, again, we have you making your characters and their situation totally available to your readers to connect with. I don’t want to be a broken record, but it’s just so real.

Name: GringottsVault711 (Signed) · Date: 01/27/08 10:08 · For: The Maze

The chemistry between Katie and Cedric is remarkable. I got completely lost in it. (No maze pun intended.) You are at that wonderful balance of knowing how to be descriptive, and concise, so the right word is always there and as a reader, I don’t feel like you’re struggling to explain to me what I’m these people are feeling. I completely believe your characters as individuals without second guessing anything they do or say.

When Katie goes out on the grounds and takes that deep breath, I completely feel that, and have to take a deep breath myself because you write it with such reality and clarity.

As I said, the Katie/Cedric chemistry is fabulous, very believable, and their interaction was written so perfectly. It had that delicate hint of attraction and wonderful warmth of comfort, and the kiss was just so perfect. Again, it’s as though I’m feeling what the characters are feeling.

I'm not really a fan of Cedric watching the maze, certainly not flying over it or going into it. I think it definitely qualifies as cheating. I honestly don't believe that the people running the Tri-Wizard tournament would have allowed them to do that. So, yes, I know it's a prominent aspect of the story, but I can't help but feel that it's not believable. It really distracted my attention from what was going on with the characters.

Good aspects of the maze, though: One, Cedric's observation that it changes. I think that's sort of nifty, and I think it helps make the idea that he'd be allowed to fly over it or into it slightly more believable. Also, I do find it interesting that the setting is a good reflection for what the characters are going through emotionally. That's a good literary technique. We react emotionally to setting, so when the setting conveys the characters' emotions, it helps us connect to the characters, even if we don't notice the writer is doing it intentionally. I also like how the flowers bloomed before their eyes; that was another good way of having the maze reflect the characters and the situation.

I would have liked to see you have done more with that, but to have also kept it subtle. For me, the line at the end about 'the maze of emotions in his heart', sort of ruined it. I felt sort of disenchanted by the concept once you’d spelt it out, and it became a bit cliché and cheesy.

I really dislike criticising you. But I hope I’m saying something of some value, because I definitely think you’re in that stage of being a writer where you’re enable to work on bigger concepts like that, while other writers are still trying to figure out how to work out the more technical aspects.

So, again, I place emphasis on the earlier part of the review, one of the most important parts of being able to relate to a story is being able to relate to the characters and relationships; in that respect I know that you shine.

Name: lucilla_pauie (Signed) · Date: 01/18/08 1:58 · For: Vivid
I now see why you had the presumptuousness to teach a NEWT class in writing. *grins* I loved that class but time constraints, ya know...

Anyway, the dialogue, the details, the feelings, the thoughts of AAO's characters you have nicely conveyed. Conveyed, not shovelled.

I also understand why you like this story so much, Marie. I loved it, too. You made the characters alive for me. You gave them their own back stories... their own traits... Of course all characters in the HP-verse do have these things, but for someone like me who concentrates on the trio, specially Hermione, and Draco, creative juices pertaining to these OTHER characters flow in a trickle. But after reading your story, the trickle became a veritable gush.

I spotted several typos, but of course the other SPEWlies surely have blistered your eyes about them already. LOL.

What attracted me (perversely) most here is the knowledge of Ced's fate. While reading, I wanted to thump him and tell him his time's running out and there he is dilly-dallying! In the end, I rather liked his dilly-dallying, though. It was poignant. That he has 'started' with Katie but not 'ended' with Cho. So, the gist is, he left them both 'happy'. *frowns and flails* Argh! The title is so fitting! All at once indeed.


Name: joybelle423 (Signed) · Date: 01/10/08 23:01 · For: Vivid
*grin* I adore this story so much. I really do think it's one of the best things you've written, and all of it is so real and believable. Some of it is so sweet and heartbreaking that it makes me ache – especially the ending. I don't want Cedric to die! I always hate reading or watching GoF because I keep wanting that to turn out differently, but this makes that feeling even worse. I want Cedric and Katie to live happily ever after. But maybe it's like "Stranger Than Fiction" – maybe this fic is so good because we know that they don't get their happily ever after. And you could write it AU and have Cedric live, but maybe it wouldn't be as good. I don't know. I'm really glad you chose to end it where you did, though. Just heartbreaking.

One quick nitpick – I noticed a double word in there – right at the end -- Katie smiled and blushed, and then bid farewell to the the three lads. Everything else is correct, of course. =P

Ack, I envy your writing ability. Instead of just starting right in with the action, you start with Cedric's memories. How did you know to do that? Or did you add that in later? I love that Mr Diggory is telling stories of his youth – so like a dad – and I love that Cedric isn't rolling his eyes. That shows what a great guy he is without telling us that he's a great guy. You do a very good job with that "showing" rather than "telling" all throughout this chapter, actually.

Poor Cho – I sort of feel sorry for her. I'm glad you did it that way – it would have been too easy to make her super annoying or mean. As it is, she's a nice girl, but just not right for Cedric. And we already know that Katie is totally right for Cedric. Yay. I really don't like that Cedric kissed her to shut her up. I mean, it was really smart of you, and it works, but it makes me think less of Cedric. Even though I know he couldn't be perfect, but really, that's just awful, kissing a girl when you're trying to break up with her because you're in love with another girl. At least Cedric realises that he's pathetic. I understand why he does it; I'd just kind of hate him if I were in Cho's position.

Getting away from her felt like finally being able to breathe again after being underwater.

I LOVE that simile. It's so perfect. And then later, when he's hugging Katie …

He felt very content, like a part of him had slipped into place, and he felt prepared and energized, like he could now face the Final Task.

*flail* Such wonderful comparison between the two girls!

And I can't bear any mention of the Final Task. And that Cho never knew that Cedric was going to break up with her, and that Katie had no "real" claim over Cedric after his death. It's so tragic. Wonderful job hinting at that – not that you could really say anything about his impending doom, since the characters have no idea.

I am such a fan of Ed and Porter! They are the greatest best friends ever. I love that they like Katie better.

And also, I love that you introduced me to The Fray so I could catch the amazing reference to "All At Once". Brilliant use of that lyric. You're brilliant, really. I wish so much that there could be more of this pairing, but it would either have to be before they got together or AU with Cedric surviving. Oh, well. This is the best canon story pairing Cedric with someone other than Cho that I've ever seen. Actually, it might be the best canon story of Cedric that I've ever seen. I adore your writing.

Name: PheonixAnimagus (Signed) · Date: 11/05/07 21:21 · For: Vivid
ahhh last line is a line from the fray!!
hehe!! i loved it it was soo cute and SAD... but awesome!

Name: Cirelondiel (Signed) · Date: 08/16/07 3:28 · For: Vivid
Love how you used the line from the song at the end! Absolutely love it!

I really like the whole story, too: very sweet and sad considering we know what happens next, of course. Some nice humourous lines in there and the characters are very likeable. I found I could really relate to Katie at the beginning of the first chapter, and I like how you gave Mrs Diggory a bit of depth, too. Only thing I didn't really like in this fic was Cedric's occassional sarcastic comments. Given his image as a nice guy I would think of him saying things in a lighter, joking tone, not so heavily sarcastic. But I guess that's just a personal opinion.

Overall, though, I like this fic a lot. Great work :-)

Name: Cinderella Angelina (Signed) · Date: 08/12/07 16:30 · For: Vivid
I decided to just choose one chapter to review and this one won. Hooray, because it’s the last one and I refused to review this story until you finished it, then I didn’t know you’d finished it, and now you have, so I’m reviewing.

Last night the Fray song that has “the hardest thing and the right thing are the same” came on and I wanted to listen to it to improve my analysis of this story, but I had to go inside. Despite that inconvenience, this is a very, very good story! You knew that. This is my favorite chapter of the three, as well.

I really liked Cedric’s mother. She was sort of a typical mother in that she knows everything, but also it was clear why Cedric turned out so well with her exemplary guidance and understanding of him. I liked also that we saw a different side of Mr Amos Diggory than we usually saw in Goblet of Fire – reenacting the action of old scrapes, et cetera. He really had wonderful parents.

A very powerful line in this chapter that has already been mentioned is Ironic that he saved her from the Black Lake in February, and now he felt like he was constantly drowning in their relationship. Sometimes I’ve felt that way with different relationships, like I’m drowning, but to point out that irony while making it so clear that how Cedric is feeling is how I – and lots of other people – feel in situations like these was cool. That sentence is really convoluted but I think you’ll understand what I’m trying to say.

I thought when Cedric kissed Cho to shut her up, and felt terrible about it, was where I had the most sympathy for the struggle he was going through. It seemed like he felt so helpless. and the way she kept jabbering on and on reminded me of Kelly Kapur or however you spell it

The part where Cedric sees Katie talking to his parents is one of my favorites, because it sort of just makes it clear to me who would really fit into the family best. And I don’t doubt that the Diggorys have thought several times about setting them up, since Miss Bell is such a nice girl and all.

I like where Cedric and Katie work it all out and when Katie shuts Cedric up by kissing him – after inserting some Imogen Heap lyrics (I so win for noticing that). And when Ed and Porter are so in favor of the pairing, that made me smile.

I do have some criticisms for this chapter. In the first part, where you’re listing everything: “He remembered...” it’s good to have the parallel structure of everything he remembers because it makes it almost more of a view of his memories or something. However, later on in the chapter when Cedric and Katie are walking out together, you start almost every word in the paragraph with “They.” This makes the whole paragraph seem very choppy, in my opinion. You could combine a couple of the sentences or use “The two of them” or something just so it’s not all “they.”

As a random side comment, I think those flowers should make an appearance in the epilogue.

Another thing, right near the end when they’re sharing a guilty look, your sentence is: “They all shared a guilty look, all but Ed, and Katie frowned at him.” Two “alls” in one sentence compromise the grammatical sense of it, so I would get rid of the first one, because it’s pretty clear right after the comma that they’re all sharing the guilty look except Ed (who I’m having a hard time not accidentally calling Fred because he reminds me of my friend Fred). So I would dispose of that in a nonviolent manner.

One last note: Ed and Porter find Cedric and Katie and they mention that the feast is almost over. Cedric replies, “Not that hungry.” I think there could be just a little more to this statement, a little more description to how he said it. Did he say it with a glance at Katie so his friends knew he was more worried about her than food? Did he say it with a grimace because he’s nervous about the task? I wonder that every time I read it.

I really like this story, though, even though I was critical of some parts of it. And I hear through the grapevine that you’re working on an epilogue, so that makes me happy because the ending is so bittersweet, those of us that know what happens. Good job and all, Marie. :)

Name: Fantasium (Signed) · Date: 07/29/07 6:53 · For: Vivid
Of course I had to encourage you – if you hadn’t written/finished this, my life would have lacked a truly wonderful story! Ah, I only hope that I can give you a review worthy of it.

First off – it’s good that Cedric’s emotional range exceeds that of a teaspoon, with so much going on inside his mind and heart. It was when I re-read the very beginning of this chapter when I realised it – all the pressure on him, and how well he handles it. Jo has often shown us how her characters act under pressure (Harry being completely emo but later on composed and brave, Cho crying, Ginny yelling at Ron, Ron running away from Harry and Hermione, etc.), and by having Cedric appear so calm and secure even though he’s almost boiling over with emotions, you prove to us what a spectacular person he really is. Sigh.

He really had wonderful parents.

You know, I think that says more about Cedric than about Cedric’s parents. Some young people would have thought that their father was embarrassing if they had to see him act out memories from his own school years, and some would have thought their mother was meddling if she commented on their love lives. But Cedric appreciates his father’s efforts to be amusing, and his mother’s care. Aw. But by constructing the sentence like you did, you make us focus on Cedric’s parents and not himself, and as a result he doesn’t come out as über-angelic. ;)

Mrs Diggory is so sweet and concerned. It’s almost like she can read Cedric’s mind, but I think a mother of a single child can often be like that – she’s so used to “reading” her only child, and so focused on him/her that she notices every little change in behaviour. Scary, perhaps, but entirely believable. I also like how Cedric really respects both of his parents.

!!! Katie talking to Cedric’s parents! I don’t really know why, but that moment, when Cedric saw them, was really special to me. It’s like Katie’s already a part of the family, but Cedric’s just failed to realise it until now. There’s also the contrast, with how Cho wanted to be introduced to Cedric’s parents, and how Katie’s already familiar with them. Oh, Mar, I’m doing a bad job of explaining this, but I think I’m trying to say that this moment was another, and most excellent, proof that Cedric and Katie really should be together.

“Yes,” she whispered, refusing or unable to look at him, gazing off into the distance.

- perhaps this seems like a really random quote to you, but it’s important to me. See, Katie is either refusing or unable to look at Cedric, but she’s not looking down at her feet as if she was insecure, and she’s not about to cry. She’s gazing off into the distance, as if trying to see beyond her current situation, something that I recognise. She really is trying to control her feelings for him, isn’t she? Oh, precious Katie.

Oh, blabbering Cedric trying to explain his feelings is just… not exactly ‘sweet’, but his honesty and eagerness to make his sincerity understood are really touching. *nods* Cedric is very well-written in this scene, but it’s your Katie that impresses me the most:

“I know what you’re thinking, but you’re not speaking straight. Sometimes things just happen that we can’t explain, and we don’t need to explain them, either.”

Wow. She is – I mean, you are so right. That’s exactly how it is. So simple. So true.

He felt very content, like a part of him had slipped into place, and he felt prepared and energized, like he could now face the Final Task.

Squee! And not just because of the kiss, but because of that part of him that has now slipped into place. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ALL for burning passion, but there’s something even more magical about that special feeling of contentedness and knowing that you’ve made the right choice. *happy sigh*

“Just in case it will give you an extra nose. The heightened sense of smell could come in very handy, you know.”

*giggles* (Yes, I can quote lines just because the brilliance of them makes me giggle.) And aw, when more flowers pop out of the shrub when they laugh – that’s just so wonderful, and so HP-ish.

Mmm, the end scene…

They all shared a guilty look, all but Ed, and Katie frowned at him. “Why are you smiling so much?”

“Because I prefer you so much more than Cho,” he said.

Bwhahaaa! Could Ed be any sweeter or more straightforward? Such a priceless reply. And then, when Cedric kisses her, I’m thrilled because he feels that he can do it in front of his friends already – as if Katie and he had been together for much longer, as if they’d always belonged with each other.

Then, the very last sentence:

That’s when he knew, as he glanced over to Katie and thought of the flower in his pocket, that maybe the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Sigh. Apart from echoing Dumbledore and being perfectly HP-ish, it’s also such a suitable way to end this story. That Cedric thinks that thought now, and that Dumbledore will be speaking almost the exact same words at the memorial/end-of-term feast… it’s a little scary, but at the same time it gives a feeling of completeness.

Now then. You didn’t think that I had stopped pestering you for some AU to continue this, did you? Because I haven’t, and I will continue. /promise (threat?) This is a most excellent story, Mar, about an enchanting and yet so uncomplicated pairing. Also, I think that this is a time when all of us could do with some good AU, you know, to remember that canon death doesn’t necessarily mean fanfictional/absolute death. Right? *shifty eyes*

Name: Fantasium (Signed) · Date: 07/29/07 5:44 · For: The Deliberation
Why hello. Yes, it’s me again. Late, but no less fangirly. Let’s get to it, shall we? =)

Her fate had been sealed with that kiss.

Some part of me says that I should be feeling sorry for Cho here. You know, I actually like her character, but here I simply couldn’t care less about her happiness. My point? Mar, you’ve done an excellent job of making me feel so strongly for Katie and Cedric that I just don’t care about any other character. You’ve managed to take command of my feelings and my loyalty, and cleverly attached it to this fabulous pairing. How tricksy!

Aha! I really appreciate an explanation as to why Cedric got together with Cho in the first place. Not only does it all make sense, but you’re also telling us a few important things about Cedric: not only didn’t he ask her out in the first place, but with this explanation we also know that he didn’t go after her simply because of her looks or because they’d have pretty babies look good together. Also, he was decent enough to ask Cho out to “make things up to” her. Now, this could have made Cedric look a bit too perfect and angelic.

But it doesn’t. Why? Because someone that perfect and angelic would’ve been content with Cho. Cedric isn’t; he wants more, and is quite prepared to hurt Cho in order to get it. Such a bad boy! *hides delighted face*

*GRINS* Ed and Porter are just SO adorable. You know, perhaps this is due to more recent events of canon, but all of a sudden they remind me a great deal of Fred and George. But Ed and Porter have… sweeter dispositions, somehow. They’re… cuddly, you know? Somehow, you manage to write them as very masculine, but still I can easily imagine both of them wearing aprons and making Sunday supper. They’re just so loyal, so dear, and SO Hufflepuff. And:

“Oh, really?” Cedric asked, his voice coated in sarcastic shock.

“Yeah, really,” Ed confirmed.

*giggles* Oh, Mar. =) And I don’t really have any grammar/spelling errors to point out or any improvements to suggest, but I did find this formatting error:

“Did you really expect us to stay up in the castle when we [i]knew[/i] you were going to come down here first?”

My only objection to this chapter is its torturing shortness. You can’t expect me to be content with that? No, surely not – so I shall go re-read and review the third and final chapter at once. Bravo, Mar!

Name: Dory_the_Fishie (Signed) · Date: 07/17/07 13:46 · For: Vivid
YAY this chapter! Even though I’m sort of late in coming to read it, at least I’m here now because, hi, this story pwns.

The beginning of this chapter is great. It has a very melancholy feel to it, and the idea of Cedric remembering everything, and you using the word ‘remember,’ specifically and repeatedly, makes me think of Dumbledore saying, “Remember Cedric Diggory,” and I just get all sad. But in a good way. /rambling

I love how you portray Cedric’s deliberation between Katie and Cho. I don’t even like Cho, but I still feel a little bit sorry for her, if only because it’s obvious Cedric feels bad. Cedric is such a real character in this; maybe that’s why I like him so much. Yeah, he’s a Hogwarts champion, and yeah, he’s good-looking, and yeah, he’s got all these great things going for him, but in the end, he’s just a normal kid. And you do a wonderful job of illustrating him in that light. I love the Great Hall scene, however small. He quickly excused himself from his parents and headed Cho off at the pass, not wanting to face what could only be an awkward introduction between his parents and his... and Cho. Ha. And then the bit of her just babbling – awesome. I can see her perfectly in my head, because she’s that girl who just has to say things for no reason, and be annoying, and…yeah.

Ironic that he saved her from the Black Lake in February, and now he felt like he was constantly drowning in their relationship. I love this. You do this so well – your word choices are always so lovely. I don’t think I’m ever confused by what you mean. Maybe it’s because I’m your twin, but I always know exactly what you mean. And I think it’s because your writing is just that amazing.

Up until Katie mentions meeting Leanne and Travis (muahaha, she’s meeting me -grin-), I had sort of forgotten about the final task. Katie’s casual mention of it just stabs at my heart. It’s like I want to yell at Cedric, “Don’t you KNOW what’s going to happen?” The conversation between Katie and Cedric is great, of course. Katie telling Cedric she needs to time to just be his friend – oh man. She doesn’t have time! I’m dying here.

The fact that Katie doesn’t feel bad about kissing Cedric when Cho is technically still his girlfriend makes me selfishly happy. Because dude. Katie is just perfect for Cedric, and Cho is blah. And OH SNAP. Him saying he’ll do it after the task, right after he comes out – holy fizzle. It all just makes me so much sadder that he had to die the way he did.

I adore Ed and Porter, obviously. I adore that they’re such great friends. I adore that they like Katie so much more than Cho. That’s when he knew, as he glanced over to Katie and thought of the flower in his pocket, that maybe the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. You know what? I’m not sure I realized at first that the title of this was a Fray song. But I realized it after this line. So now I realize how perfectly the song fits, and suddenly I love this fic even more. You just do such an amazing job writing the minor characters from canon. I wish there was more you could write. I vote Cedric doesn’t die and he and Katie just live happily ever after. -nods-

Name: Fantasium (Signed) · Date: 06/24/07 16:30 · For: The Maze
*shifty eyes*

If you want critique, please scroll past this review. Just a fair warning.

First and foremost, I know that this story is dedicated to a whole bunch of people… but for some reason, when I read it, I get that wonderful feeling that it’s somehow written for me. And I won’t lie to you – I kind of like that. *cough*

omg, where do I begin?! I know, I’ll start at the beginning. That makes sense. And the beginning is KATIE. Mar! She. Is. Perfect. Like, She wasn’t meant for flipping pages and collecting notes at a table in a stale, quiet room. And… It’s just the little details, like with the paper cuts and Katie being close to hexing people for blinking, *giggles* - it makes her come alive. And oh, how I love that she’s off to the Quidditch pitch! I mean, you send her there because it’s a part of the plot, but… at the same time, it’s so her.

After an eternity,

I’m sorry, but using the word ‘eternity’ in a story that features Katie Bell is just going to make me squee. Even if the story isn’t at all about the pairing that I connect with that particular word. (I never said this would make sense.)

The lovely pitch, her pitch, was seemingly overgrown with thick, monstrous hedges. How could this be?

Her pitch! Of course it’s her pitch! I mean, *cough*, I love that you remind us how important Quidditch and flying is to Katie, and that it’s about freedom and power. By having Katie call it “her” pitch, you show us how strongly she feels about the sport, and… I’m not sure what I’m saying, but… gah, this Katie that you’re writing, she’s real from the very first to the very last word of this chapter.

Okay. Sigh. I was just about to quote the first part of the dialogue where Cedric whispers in Katie’s ear, but then I realised that I wanted to quote the next line too, and then the next one and the next… so I guess I had better just write about it without quoting anything at all. See, when Cedric whispers in her ear, my knees grow weak at once. And then Katie elbows him! And he exclaims her name in agony! And she mimics him and calls him a prat! And I’m just giggling and grinning because it’s all excellent! And it continues. Oh, Mar, I’m definitely not comparing your styles, but this is how I feel when I read Jenna’s writing. It’s a pure thrill because it flows so wonderfully and the dialogue is… well, Katie and Cedric just belong.

Speaking of which, I love the history you created between them, which is entirely believable and puts them in such an excellent position for the upcoming events. I won’t lie – I have a certain fondness for boy/girl friendships (well, boy/boy and girl/girl too, of course) that evolve into romantic relationships. Like, you know, Sirius and Lucille. *grins*

Okay. Now I need to quote:

“I came out to fly, not plant-watch.”


Katie whacked his leg with her broom, before mounting it.

You see, I printed this chapter and read it and made review notes while I was a sub teacher up at school, and next to those two sentences, I have drawn great, big XD’s. Which, *giggles*, I thought you needed to know.

“Sure, I’ll be your knowledgeable tour guide.” Cedric took his place behind her, holding onto her shoulders.

“I’m rolling my eyes at you again.”


Here it says *DIES!* in my notes, not sure what I meant with that? *coughs* A lot of things, I daresay. Firstly, Cedric’s line. It’s just – Mar, I don’t know why it’s so brilliant, it just IS! And then Cedric, sitting behind Katie, holding onto her shoulders? Ma-ar! You can try to make it sound as casual as you want to, I’m tingling all over anyway. And then the eyerolling and Cedric’s reply? No. No, I’m just grinning.

Gah. I’m just going to give in to this pressing need of constant quoting that I’m suffering from.

Katie thought for a moment, then began a swift descent into the heart of the maze. “Sounds perfect. I’m in need of a good adventure. Besides, I hardly see you around, Mr Champion, who is too busy for anything but the tournament.”

They hit the ground with a light thud. Cedric held out his hand, silently offering to carry the broom. “Indeed, I am much too busy,” he answered in a lofty tone, barely keeping a straight face. “Legend speaks, however, of a girl who has been chained to her books, consumed with flipping pages, and-”

“Oh, stuff it,” Katie laughed, shoving Cedric as they began their course through the hedges.

*shakes head* “Mr Champion, who is too busy for anything but the tournament” – the way she says it, teasingly, but still openly admitting that she’s missed seeing him around. Then there’s Cedric, silently offering to carry the broom – a gentleman, just as I imagine him. And I don’t mean an uptight gentleman, no, but just someone who knows how to behave, and it’s natural for him. Someone with self-confidence and good manners that comes from a good upbringing and a good life. And, *giggles, his line, and how he can barely keep a straight face – Mar, I can see it. And Katie with her “Oh, stuff it”, and shoving Cedric (yay for more body contact), *happy sigh*

And then Cedric gets all honest and serious and non-jokingly when he tells Katie that he’s missed her, and I just melt from the wonderfulness. I fully expected Katie to blush or something, but instead she looks up into his face, straightforward and just as honest, and tells him something just as nice. It’s all so open - they know each other, they like each other, and at this point it’s all so natural and there’s nothing they need to hide. Aw.

“Worst case scenario: you grow an extra nose because it has cursed pollen,” he said as he tucked it behind her ear.

“Cedric!” She swatted him away and laughed, but she was smiling and she didn’t remove the flower.

“Can you imagine the kind of superior smelling you’d get with an extra nose?”

“You’re ridiculous.”

Lolol, here I have an even bigger XD in my notes. And I’m giggling again when I read the “superior smelling” part. *giggles* BRILLIANT!

Now, of course, we come to the part where you’re really trying to kill me through Fangirl Overload. I don’t think I need to explain why, but I think it’s beautiful that you’ve written “a different feeling”, instead of trying to describe what it is that they feel. An explanation would have been superfluous – I think every reader knows the feeling.

*takes a moment to breathe*

Oh, yes. I wanted to compliment you on this:

It was probably a related plant - hedges that move, vines that try to grasp and suffocate you.

Good thinking! I like that! And I’m curious if it was something you’d put in the story before starting, or if it popped up as you were writing?

Okay. Onwards to Further Death by Complete Fangirl Overload. It’s not just that the kiss is über-brilliant, but the scene leading up to it? It’s such a serious subject, but you’ve managed to find a natural way for it to come up in the conversation with the tasks awaiting Cedric, and by doing so it doesn’t sound at all forced or pretentious – it sounds real.

Now to the kiss, and this is the Ghost of Anna writing as I have passed away from previously mentioned cause. It just… happens. And he captures her mouth in a kiss. *dies again* But my absolute favourite part is how their hands find each other and entwine. So beautiful. And the forehead against forehead? It made me think of a certain Mr Darcy and a Miss Bennet, and that only made it more wonderful. I’m all tingles again when I read about Cedric moving his hand up and down her back. *sighs* In fact, in my notes I have a x.x next to that sentence.

“Katie, I really like you.”

“But are you going to do anything about it?”

After a moment’s pause, he squeezed her hand and asked her what his heart needed to know. “Should I?”

“I can’t tell you,” she said simply.

Here my notes say “MA-AR!” (thrice underlined), which I think is a rather appropriate reaction to the utter torture you put your readers through here. When did a little AU hurt anyone?! Why did there have to be a Cho?! Ma-ar, WHY?


Ahem. Yes. My notes end with three giant exclamation marks after, He had to make a choice: Katie or Cho. They were a feeble attempt at describing the absolute excitement I feel about this story. Mar, I can safely say that this is the best thing I’ve ever read by you. I’ve always considered you to be a talented author, but when I read this I was actually surprised at the pure quality of it. Not because I didn’t think you could produce something like this, but… it’s just such a huge improvement even from the wonderful things you’ve written before, that I simply wasn’t expecting it. Everything flows. To me, this is simply one of those stories that were meant to be written. And I’m delighted that it was you, my friend, who wrote it. I would have adored the story no matter who wrote it, but now it’s even better. I’m so proud of you.

There is only really one thing left for me to say (for now, I mean). Quidditch couples are HOT. And, wait, there are a couple of more things as well – AU never hurt anyone, nor did some Professor-rated writing, or even more-than-Professors-rated-posted-elsewhere. *shifty eyes*

Mar, I bow to you. Absolutely bloody spiffing.

Name: Roommate of the Quillster (Signed) · Date: 06/23/07 23:07 · For: The Deliberation
First, I want to commend you on the use of Ed and Porter. :) Brilliant work, mate. Second, I want to express my awe in how you portray a difficult emotional dilemna from a member of the opposite gender. Very nice.

But on to details...

Your story is good, but it could be great if you improved your word choice. ;) (sound familiar?) For example:
Time had been planned, he had met her, spent the evening with her, walked her back to her common room, done his duty.

This sentence is choppy, which is what you want, but rather than starting with 'time' perhaps you could say, 'Specifically setting aside two hours (or less/more), he had met with her, spent part of the evening together, and walked her back to the common room. He had done his duty.'

Putting that last phrase as its own sentence gives it slightly more power, conveying the obligation Cedric felt at this time toward Cho.

Ed and Porter had waited all of a day and a half after that afternoon with Katie before sitting him down and making him tell them what was bothering him.

The first part of that sentence is slightly awkward, but I love the feeling/understanding of the friendship they share when you introduce them to readers for the first time.

“Oh, no!” Ed protested. “There’s absolutely no way we’re going to tell you that.” Porter chuckled quietly.

The way you portray this line seems slightly ooc for Ed. He's the one who makes the jokes, knows when to punch his mate and how to laugh, yet tells the weird dreams all the time. I'm thinking rather than go with the slightly cliche line of 'there's no way we're going to tell you that' he would find something better. Like a play on words. Or being very serious. (srsly) And cracking some joke with a completely straight face at Cedric's... density or something.

After those few line comments, I think you did a great job of conveying the feeling in this chapter. People finally get a taste of the emotional turmoil Cedric was facing only days before the final task. Almost reminds me of PiratesAWE.

Great job with Cedric characterization and thinking, and excellent job with his friends. :) I love seeing the romance blossom with Katie from Cedric's POV during the last few days of his life. You write them together really well because they absolutely belong together! Nice chapter.

Name: Dory_the_Fishie (Signed) · Date: 05/25/07 13:54 · For: The Deliberation
Dude, there are no reviews for this chapter? That’s silly. I’m glad I’m here, then.

I was wondering if we were going to see Cho in this, and I’m really happy we did. Not because I’m fond of her, but because I think she needs to appear. We have to see the differences between Cho and Katie, and you illustrate them for us perfectly. She seemed not to notice his indifference, flipping her hair over her shoulder as she turned to enter her common room, smiling brightly back at him just before she disappeared. I think it’s…well, I think it’s funny/sad that Cedric has been sort of avoiding Cho, and that she doesn’t really notice it. On some level, they were probably never completely in sync that way, and you do such a great job of showing that.

Whereas before, Cedric had felt guilty and confused, he now felt... Guilty and confused. I love your writing. It just makes me smile. But poor Cedric, even though I’m sitting here going, “Well, duh, Katie wins.” But…it’s also Cedric’s character to feel guilty, because he’s nice and caring like that. It’s very in character, so yay.

I love how he goes to the Quidditch stadium to think/deliberate. Because…hi, it’s exactly what Katie would do. Nice parallel. I’m glad that you gave us some insight into Cedric’s thoughts on Cho, why they even started dating, etc. Well, Cho was very nice, but she was nice to the point of boring. Yes, exactly! See, Katie is fun and exciting and perfect for Cedric, and Cho is just like…well, what he said.

I’m in love with Ed and Porter! “Did you really expect us to stay up in the castle when we [i]knew[/i] you were going to come down here first?” Ha. I love how they know where he’d be; friends like that are awesome. And I just thought I’d point out that you have the wrong tags there, which I’d imagine is because you posted this on the forums. I love how Cedric asks them who he should choose and, like Katie, they don’t tell him. Because it’s his choice. But it’s still obvious who they like better. -grin- And the ‘o rly? ya rly’ moment at the end was great. They’re all just so cool.

So, yes, where’s the next chapter? Now that I’ve finally reviewed, I’m going to sit here and wait impatiently for more. -wink-

Name: Dory_the_Fishie (Signed) · Date: 05/25/07 13:23 · For: The Maze
Okay, I’m finally here to review this. And, like, dude. I love it. So much. Because Katie/Cedric is such fun, and you completely pwn at writing it. And…I’d just like to think that Jo was thinking of me when she wrote Leanne. Heh. Anyway.

I love how you start this, because it’s so simple, but it characterizes Katie right away. I really feel like I can identify with her – as in: GAH SCHOOL. But here in this first paragraph, you tell us who Katie is. She’s somebody who needs to be on the Quidditch pitch, free, away from binding things like school. And this immediately matches her up with Cedric, in a way. I think that maybe Cedric likes things like school a little more than Katie, but then doesn’t that set up a dynamic? It does. Katie’s perfect for Cedric, dur.

“Guess who,” he whispered in her ear. Hee. That’s adorable. I love love love the banter-y conversation Cedric and Katie have. You can tell that they’re good friends, and that both of them probably have slight feelings for the other (or, you know, more than slight feelings). I think what I like most about how you wrote them together was that you didn’t take all this time to set it up. You didn’t sit there and give tons of background just to explain why Cedric is allowed to come up and whisper guess who in Katie’s ear. You simply threw us into their lives, like we’re eavesdropping, sort of. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I think what I’m trying to say is that this fic feels familiar, in the best way. You did give a little backstory, though, with the broom memory. That was cute.

I adore the little flower scene. Man, these two just belong together. It’s so obvious. Like, when I’m reading this, I can’t even imagine how Cedric and Cho ever dated. The transition into deeper conversation was nicely done. Cedric’s answer to what he fears most is absolutely perfect. And then the kiss! Squee! It’s so great. Every part of Cedric felt electric while he kissed Katie. I was never a fan of Cho, and here, I just feel like Cedric probably doesn’t feel this way when he kisses her.

And that brings us to the choice Cedric has to make. Katie’s reaction to everything is so…admirable, I guess, is a good word. Some girls would probably be all, ‘Pick me!’ but Katie isn’t. She’s fair, and I get the feeling that she just wants Cedric to be happy while at the same time wanting him to pick her. I love her. And him. And them. And with that, I’m off to review the next chapter.

Name: HPLoverForever (Signed) · Date: 04/23/07 0:49 · For: The Maze
This was lovely, Mar! Honestly, I really enjoyed it. It was very, very cute and I like the way it happened.

My favorite part was right after the kiss:


He could tell what that apprehensive tone in her voice meant without her explaining it. “I know.” He sighed. He knew what she was worried about, and, yes, he was worried about it, too. Cho Chang. “Katie, I really like you.”

“But are you going to do anything about it?”

After a moment’s pause, he squeezed her hand and asked her what his heart needed to know. “Should I?”

I really really like this. It's a very honest part. It explains perfectly what they both want and that, even though he doesn't think or admit it here, he really does want to be with her.

I also like how you have created Katie. She seems just like I would have pictured her in the book (since we don't really have much information about her), and she definitely reminds me of a Quidditch player!

Splendid job, Mar!

Name: swordfish0 (Signed) · Date: 04/20/07 20:34 · For: The Maze
I like it. A lot and it's true to the Cedric character I know and love. Way to go!

Name: snapeisevil67 (Signed) · Date: 04/20/07 6:54 · For: The Maze
i tink this is a really cool story and i saw that you didn't have any reviews yet so... I really like your fic because i don't think we get to see enough of Cedric in the book or the movie so it is really interesting to see another side of him. please keep going!!!!

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