MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
06/13/07 15:33 · For:
Falling In Space
I think using a different POV for your beginning was definitely something interesting and new. It really makes your story unique in terms of the technical skill of the authoress. *bows to wendelin* :) Anyway, that was really cool. It was a bit confusing, I must admit, and I think you could use some practice with the technique as with all things, but altogether, it was really nice. :)
Anyway, as far as the actual story, it was really nice to see a different aspect of the Ted/Andromeda dynamic. In the past, I've only seen the fluff and happy lovers bit, and you really did a great job of showing how love is all about sacrifice and exactly how much the two of them had to go through.
That's something often forgotten by T/A writers, and it was FABULOUS to see it in the spotlight. Really moving and poignant.
So gosh, you know you're a great writer, and you totally outdid yourself with this one. Some things I would fix...the dialogue sounds a bit antiquated for the time period, I think.
The awkward structure of the "She wonders what will she do" was pointed out by the reviewers before me, so I would fix that.
Overall, the poetic tone, the new view of the pairing, and that KILLER introduction really make this story unforgettable. Great work, darlink. :)
(Signed) · Date:
04/23/07 10:30 · For:
Falling In Space
Hey, Wendelin! I think this is the first thing of yours that I’ve read, and I’m glad to say that I like it!
The introduction is a fascinating way to introduce your story. At first, it’s just a kind of abstract idea, and then it becomes someone’s thoughts. It’s a good transition.
Poor Andromeda. She’s fighting so hard to decide who she is, if she can be herself with or without Ted. The stars – I’ve always liked the stars, so I find it interesting that Andromeda calls them “a poor substitute for daylight.” I suppose if it's illumination you're looking for, this is perfectly true. I usually look for the beauty.
He shakes his head slowly; all the time wishing that what she said was true, that she meant every word. But he sees it in her eyes; she doesn’t. ‘I have as much of a death wish as the next person.’
She looks at him and says softly, ‘Unfortunately, the next person is me.’
Oooh. How often do we try to convince ourselves of things that we don’t believe, that we think we should, or we wish we believed in?
It’s sweet how Ted loves her well enough to be able to see her more clearly than she herself can. For me, that was the theme of the story.
‘Answering a question with a question.’ she smirked bitterly, ‘Ted, I would have expected that of a Black. But certainly not from a Mudblood.’
He flinches at the use of this degrading term, but refuses to pull his gaze away from her.
Side note: That should either be another comma, not a period, after “question”, or a period instead of a comma after “bitterly”.
I really like that. He ignores the word (as much as he can) because he knows how much she’s hurting, that she doesn't really mean it.
‘Andromeda, you do know you are going to fall, don’t you?’
Poor girl. She can’t keep up the life she’s living, even if she clearly chooses between Ted and her family.
You may fall Andromeda, but who will fall with you?’
There should be commas around “Andromeda”.
‘I would give you the world.’
‘Yes, but would you ever give it up for me?’
He looks at her for a whole second, taking in the full implication of her words. ‘I would.’
Wow. And therein lies love. Giving is easy; giving up is usually not. I love how Andromeda understands and is asking if he’ll be willing to do as much for her as she is having to give up for him.
He looks at her and in that one moment his eyes are filled with some sort of wild fervour, a hidden spark relit for what she hoped was eternity. And in that one second she feels she can trust him, that she’ll believe whatever star he paints.
And I like your ending! It’s lovely. It’s so sweet how Ted is able to piece Andromeda back together, show her where she is and where he’d like her to be – where they can be together. Yay!
(Signed) · Date:
04/19/07 22:50 · For:
Falling In Space
Yay! A SPEW 007! And a brilliant one at that. You had me caught by the title; it's so perfect and mysterious that it makes me jealous! I could have never thought of such an interesting title!
I loved your introduction with the poem. It really creates an interesting opening, one that grabs the reader's attention. Also, the paragraphs after the poem were genius! Your words seemed to swirled around each other, not to create an opening setting, but an opening emotion. Also, the first-person narrative creates a nice contrast with the third-person you begin to use later. Both culminate into something that makes the reader really wonder who is speaking.
And when she sees the darkness, to know that not even the sky can be constant or dependable, she is forced to seek solace in the twinkling of the stars, poor substitutes for daylight that they are.
I really loved this sentence. Most writers only use stars for the purpose of a character's solace, using them as daylight-esque comfort at night. Here, you make a perfect contrast from what is usually done and made it something... melancholy. In a good way, though!
She wonders what will she do when the night is swathed with darkness and their merry twinkling no longer gives her comfort?
This sentence reads just a bit awkwardly for me. You could rephrase it as a statement such as: She wonders what she will do when the night is swathed in darkness and their merry twinkling no longer gives her comfort. Hmm. I guess it was only the "will" that was troublesome! Other than that one mixed-around word, the description was really well done. :]
He looks into her eyes for a whole second, but what really seems like an eternity.
This description seems a bit cliched you; with writing as good as yours it become important to focus on just the littlest details. Anyway, you could add some contrast by moving the words around a bit to say something like: He looks into her eyes for an eternal second. Or something along those lines.
‘And you will fall, quite unnoticed and the world will just rush by. You may fall Andromeda, but who will fall with you?’
Ooh, I loved this line. It describes the inevitability of failure, but yet with someone's help, maybe, just maybe, it won't be as bad as being alone.
And in that one second she feels she can trust him, that she’ll believe whatever star he paints.
Wow! What a beautiful metaphor!
I just have one little nitpick for you on the Andromeda/Ted dialogue. It seemed to be resolved a bit quickly, Andromeda's emotions and feelings towards Ted drastically changing in just a short amount of time. Maybe you could add in just a few more bits about what Andromeda is thinking as Ted makes his promises. Does she see that he is telling the truth? Does she ever doubt him? What does she feel when she realizes she still loves him?
Other than that, I thought your dialogue was very well done. It was almost poetic in wording, which is very hard to achieve, at least for me. It showed two sides of a relationship that blend together in the end to make for a gratifying end to an amazingly written chapter.
Well done, Wendelin! I'm really looking forward to more.