MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Binka Fudge (Signed) · Date: 01/10/08 18:11 · For: Journey to the Past
Just before I move to the next chapter I'd like to say this fic has caught my attention, although the details of France and Voldemort's ancestors were a little confusing. I can't wait to read on, such an interesting concept.

Name: KenTuck (Signed) · Date: 10/08/07 9:18 · For: Journey to the Past
This was great. I got so in to this story because it is fast paced and interesting. It was beautifully written and I can't wait to read more!

Name: Ron x Hermione (Signed) · Date: 06/25/07 10:39 · For: A Bloody Mess
Great and descriptive start, Fresca.

After groping in desperation for over a minute, however, Hermione let Charlotte’s wrist fall from her hand; there was no pulse.

Aw . . . this is really, really sad. I really like how you had portrayed the character, and to see her die like that brought tears to my eyes. Why did they kill that poor little girl? And the way you described the whole atmosphere and set was incredible. It really set off the horridness of the situation and what had happened. Between the overturned chairs and the blood on the polished floors, you hit this scene perfectly.

. . . and illuminated her surroundings with the fiery tip of her wand.

I find this kind of odd. Hermione knows the consequences of what would happen if she used magic; she'd probably get sent to the guillotine herself solely because the entire town would have found she was a witch, and that would have made her odd in presence in itself. No one would have wanted her around, and between what Giselle said about Robespierre versus Hermione’s having a wand and being a witch . . . *weighs hands* I think that Hermione would have lost that one. The Salem Witch trials would be happening around the same time, right? The Witch trials happened in 1692, and you say this is the 1700s. I know that this is in Europe and Salem is in the Americas, but would Europe have heard something about the event? I think Hermione would have been way more careful about using her wand. She's definitely not stupid.

Aw, and how Giselle wished to die since she couldn't live without her sister was very sad, but very heartfelt. Nice work with that.

“Hermione,” he said softly, extending his arm out to her to help her up. His lips curled into a sneer. “You really ought to watch where you are going.”

Ooh, I hate him, Fresca, I hate him. How dare he do that to Hermione! Gosh, how terribly cruel. So, basically, he just seduced Hermione to get her away from the household to kill Giselle and Charlotte? I thought it was kind of odd he just kind of made off with a maid like that. Ooh, and I thought he was so cute and nice . . . but kind of a stalker, of course. But he is very cunning. You made me like him, then hate him, Fresca. Amazing work with his character.

So that was it then. Hermione Granger had gone back in time to save the future, but she had been trapped in love, trapped in time. Rashleigh had suspected something like that had happened when he had found the splinters of her wand on his floor the day before, but he had hoped he had read the signs wrong.

Ooh, and very creative and chilling ending. And Hermione died! *cries* It was a very heartfelt and good ending, though. One question: Why would Hermione have returned with only a gash at the base of her neck when the guillotine actually chops the person's actual head off? Ooh, I hate Robespierre, he is sickening. He murdered Hermione for no good reason.

But, still--- even though I didn't like the ending, I loved it. (make sense, eh?) I loved the creativity, description, and most of all, I like your boldness and daring to allow something horrid to happen to Hermione. Everyone in this competition that I have read have allowed their character to return safely and prevail in their mission, but you allowed Hermione to fall ill to her desires, and she actually was murdered because of it. Nice work.

Fresca, you need to have up another chaptered fiction. Like, now. I want to read it. Good work on this story, and it's an absolute no wonder that you won.

*huggles for great read*

~Lindsey :)

Name: Ron x Hermione (Signed) · Date: 06/25/07 10:15 · For: True Lies

“Thank you, Hermione whispered. She slowly left the room and shut the door behind her.

You missed a set of quotation marks after 'you'.

I really like how you've incorporated this little girl's love, Charlotte's, into the story. I'm glad that she loves the sister enough for basically the rest of her day to be ruined in her worry because of what Giselle had protested to Marvolo. I don't know if Robespierre would actually send her to the guillotine for an outburst like she had in the chapter before, but it just goes to show how cruel he is. This reminds me of PotC 3 when the little boy is going to be hanged for being a pirate. *sad*

“I find a way around the wall,” Hermione said softly. “There are never only two options.”

I found myself laughing aloud at this. I love Hermione's characterisation here. It's spot on in most alces, but here it's amazing. I love your portrayal of her headstrong-ness.

“What is a man to do when he falls in love with a woman whom he has just met?”

Oh, gosh, Hermione, get out of there, now. This is great, Fresca.

While I think Robespierre, if I were in Hermione's position, is the most handsome, wonderful man she could have found at this moment, is it kind of uncommon for a man at his status to meddle with the likes of a maid? They never really stated in plain fact to the committee that they were going to go back in another room and kiss and profess feelings, but from a committee member's point of view, a maid showing up and a man of his status willingly and not comedically speaking to her in another room . . . does that not kind of seem odd?

(As I'm looking from an outsider/reader's point of view in this day and age) the way you've described Robspierre as kind of telling Hermione to come to his house and then just professing his love to her the way you've described is slightly nerving and a . . . um, bit creepy. I guess this is only because a similar situation happened to me with a stalker at the mall, but it's creepy whe things like that happen! Especially to Hermione; poor dear. But then again, it could be kind of custom to talk and act this way back then, and I not know it. But I adore his character. I can see him perfectly.

Oh, my gosh, and the way you ended this chapter, Fresca!? I know that I tend to use this word a lot, but I'm placing it out here now: Amazing. Absolutely, admirably amazing. I like how you did that instance of 'if she could have known . . .' in each sentence, and that really makes this story that much more wonderful. This story is really, really good. Awesome chapter. And they had better not be taking Charlotte.

~Lindsey :)

Name: Ron x Hermione (Signed) · Date: 06/25/07 9:59 · For: Stranger in the House
Once again, Fresca, another marvellous chapter. :) *huggles for great read*

The Volere house looked forbidding from the outside.

I think that you had meant 'foreboding' here.

A young girl with long blond hair came running out to greet them.

You could have a comma after 'long' but it's not needed, and 'blond' should have an 'e' at the end of it. I apologise for my constant nitpickyness.

She continued to make tea — the long way, not wanting to draw attention to the fact that she was a witch.

Ha, I love this. This would have been much more funnier if it had been Ron emphasising the long way to do things without magic, but I still like your usage with Hermione.

His face looked slightly warn, but it was still full of blazing passion and desire.

I think that you had meant to put 'worn' or 'warm' instead of 'warn'.

. . . she noticed his eyes, sharp and captivating, welcoming and yet somehow forbidding at the same time. He walked with the aura of a master; he had everything under control, or so it seemed from his step. His face looked slightly warn, but it was still full of blazing passion and desire.

Fresca, every single chapter, you make me comment on your lovely description. It's ridiculous how amazing it is, dear. I love how you've portrayed his eyes; so amazingly descriptive, and I can see just how he looks like in my mind's eye. Good work.

“Come to my house tonight. Ask around; you’ll easily find it.” Before Hermione could accept or decline, Robespierre was already gone. It wasn’t until a few seconds after the door had slammed shut that Giselle burst into tears.

AH! *giggles profusely* If this were me, I'd be silently wanting to murmur 'stalker . . .' an freak out, but, I hope Hermione makes the right decision. You'd better not allow her to fall in love, Fresca!

Nice chapter, again. While this wasn't my favourite because it wasn't very informative and action-packed, it was still a good one, and it had to happen, so I did like it. Good work, of course, again. I apologise that this wasn’t as long.

~Lindsey :)

Name: Ron x Hermione (Signed) · Date: 06/25/07 9:16 · For: Marie Antoinette
*calls out* I told you I'd be back! *huggles lovely Fresca*

I thought this was a very interesting chapter, and I really, really adored your description, again.

Marie Antoinette’s face had aged many years in the period of only a few, but her body still looked as young as ever. She was dressed in a simple raggedy dress. This was clearly much more depressing for the queen than anything else. Not a trace of royal heritage remained in Marie Antoinette’s grim presence. Her hair was dead and wispy, and reminded Hermione horribly of Alice Longbottom. The French queen looked just like the ill-fated Auror.

Whoa. I am amazed at your description, Fresca, and I find it a strong point for an author to have such a skill as that, and you do have it, dear. I can actually see Marie Antoinette walking up to the guillotine, her hair in wisps around her aged face . . . you've got the presence of death mentioned here before it's ever happened, even though we know it will happen. I like your sense of foreshadowing here. I also really, really like how she is compared to Alice Longbottom, because that gives us the sense that Hermione still remembers her home life, and she knows that she's only supposed to be here for a little while, and she hasn't forgotten herself while here. I know that she's only seen Alice once or twice and she's only been in this time period for a few moments, but it's good to see that she still has time to think of the Auror and compare her to Marie.

From just a reader's point of view, and me knowing hardly anything about Marie Antoinette except for her "Let them eat cake," piece she shouted out into the streets for the rotten food that was being thrust upon her people, I think you've done an amazing job, again, in informing your readers of the history behind this event. I also adore your use of original characters. They're just as descriptive as the Harry Potter characters and you've just spoken of them in this chapter. They're all very well developed, especially Giselle.

So that her hair doesn’t get caught in the guillotine.

Ooh, that gave me chills, it did. *shudders* Nice use of words there, and I like your creativity (or did they really do that to women who were to be murdered by the guillotine?). It's very sad to actually have to write the Queen's death, but the way it actually happened and you've played it out is very sad. I can't see myself willingly laying my head on that block, and to have, mostly likely her pride and joy back then, her hair cut off just mere minutes before she died is actually heartbreaking. I know I'd kill someone if they did that to me, but hopefully I wouldn't be in her place.

Tears began to stream down Marie Antoinette’s pale face.

My only issue is usage of the word 'Marie Antoinette'. I know that that's her name and all, but couldn't you use pronouns like 'she' and 'her' and perhaps even just her first name, 'Marie'? I found that you had used her full name twice in two sentences in one paragraph, and since that word is hard to say, it's hard to read as fast and the flow is kind of disrupted. But perhaps it's just me. I can faintly understand why you chose to do it this way because she was a queen, and we don't know her like we do the other characters in the HP fandom, so calling her by her full, real name is supposed to be apparent.

Hermione couldn’t bring herself to watch anymore of the executions.

I think that in this sentence, 'anymore' should be two words.

Hermione had a sinking feeling that her horizon would only get darker in the days to come.

Ooh, nice ending, Fresca. I admire your foreshadowing and description in the last paragraph as well, and even this was a rather short chapter, it was a phenomenal one, of course, by you, and I enjoyed it. I shall be back. Nice work.

~Lindsey :)

Name: Ron x Hermione (Signed) · Date: 06/18/07 10:19 · For: Journey to the Past
Love is a great power, much greater than anyone might think. While it contains the power to heal, it also holds the potential to hurt, to damage, to destroy.

Freaking Amazing Start, Fresca. Wow. Your words in this sentence are so true and descriptive; great way to start out.

Hermione had given up her dream of being a Healer, unable to want to save people when her own love could not have been saved.

Aw, this is terribly sad. I love your words, though, Fresca . . . all throughout this fiction you have great word choice and description. I really admire and LOVE it when an author overuses description, because that allows me to enjoy the story even more. It's no wonder you won the contest. *grins*

Rashleigh shunned by international community…

Rashleigh claims to alter time…

Rashleigh maintains his theories on love despite… Here was listed a long list of exclusive societies Rashleigh had been discharged from.

Nice! I entered this contest as well, and this never occurred to me to happen. I really like your creativity--- I haven't read any of the other entries, but I know that this is the most creative starting. I really like this. We know that he was supposed to alter time, but we didn't know how to make him do that.

Hermione bit her lip. “Will — I need to know what you would have told Dumbledore. It might help us…in the fight against Volde — You-Know-Who -”

Up to her fourth year, Hermione always called him 'You Know Who', but in her fifth year, she actually called him 'Voldemort'. If she were a few years older, then wouldn't she still call him Voldemort?

But, wait. He had killed Ron right in front of her--- I'd be living in fear of someone who had killed my fiancee, no less right in front of me. She wouldn't be able to face him, no less say his name.

Whoa. In the middle of this chapter, where you say all you say about the French Revolution, I know that you have everything spot on. I love it. I love your creativity, I must say that again, and you've got a wonderful story here.

“Will, I’ll be with the French people from over two hundred years ago. I would never fall in love with any of them.”

Ha ha, yeah, right. I love your foreshadowing here, even though it isn't foreshadowing. Nice.

“Close you eyes,” said Will. Hermione did as she was told.

I think in this sentence you forgot an 'r' in 'your'.

She wasn’t in Cornwall anymore.

Nice cliffy ending. I'm sure that I would have gone bonkers (well, too late) with the torture of waiting for you to update. But now that this is finished . . . I can just zoom on to the next chapter . . .

I don't really find anything to criticise. I feel that you could develop Hermione's character a tish more, but this is only the first chapter, and you've spent most of it entertaining the readers and allowing them knowledge on the French Revolution. I like the way you explained it, by the way, because it wasn't boring to me, and I'm sure it wasn't to any other readers, either. But, I'm sure that Hermione will be lovely the next few chapters. I look forward to meeting your OCs.

Nice story, Fresca, and I really look forward to reading more. And I don't read too many chaptered fictions. :)

~Lindsey :)

Author's Response: Thanks for your lovely review Lindsey!

Name: Aurenna (Signed) · Date: 05/25/07 9:47 · For: A Bloody Mess
It could never have been any other way, could it? :-(

Name: gerberb (Signed) · Date: 05/22/07 8:11 · For: A Bloody Mess
So is this the last chapter? I was sure hopeing for Hermiones sucess.

Name: gerberb (Signed) · Date: 05/11/07 10:46 · For: Stranger in the House
Please update... I can't handle the suspence... I really like this story...

Name: gerberb (Signed) · Date: 05/03/07 2:35 · For: Stranger in the House
Thanks, I really enjoyed it again. This does not bode well for them does it....

Author's Response: Nope, not particularly. Thanks for the review!

Name: gerberb (Signed) · Date: 04/23/07 11:55 · For: Marie Antoinette
I like it so far. Update Soon.

Name: Aurenna (Signed) · Date: 04/11/07 6:31 · For: Journey to the Past
I've really enjoyed reading this. Flows well, and promises an interesting plot!

Name: lucilla_pauie (Signed) · Date: 04/06/07 6:14 · For: Journey to the Past
wow. This is very ambitious! You will do change so much! I wish you luck for it, friend. I'll keep my eye out for the next chapters. You have an interesting premise of love in the plot.

Also, be careful. I wouldn't want to judge yet about where you're headed, but take some caution, you might change too much, and alter just as much, which might make some canon facts non-canon! Whew. This prompt is so challenging, isnt it? ^_^

Author's Response: Yes, time is tricky thing, isn't it? Thanks so much for your review and your interest!

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