Reviews For An Ordinary Man
Reviewer: red haired mom
Date: 07/26/07 23:16
Chapter: An Ordinary Man

Oh my God, you had me crying with this story. I have always had a soft spot for Neville and for him to bare his soul to Augusta like that was just wonderful. Thank you so much for writing this. I enjoyed it immensely, even though I was crying through most of it. Greatly, awesomely, wonderfully, fantastically, and amazingly well written. As McGonagall says, “It’s high time your grandmother learned to be proud of the grandson she’s got, rather than the one she thinks she ought to have—particularly after what happened at the Ministry.”
I’m glad you let Augusta tell him how she felt. Great job!

Reviewer: Fantasium
Date: 04/22/07 14:57
Chapter: An Ordinary Man

Hi msmoocow!

Oh, what an excellent idea for a Neville one-shot. I agree with you; the conversation about Frank’s wand must have been a very special one for Neville and Augusta, and, seeing as Neville wasn’t disowned or something, I think it’s entirely likely that this conversation caused some bonding between grandchild and grandparent.

Before I forget about it, I wanted to mention the formatting of your story. At the moment, there is no blank line between your Author’s Note and the first line of the story, which is a little confusing. I would suggest putting in a couple of blank lines, and perhaps even a stroke, to make it easier to read.

Your writing style is quite lovely and your language is varied and colourful. I only noted one repetition, but it’s nothing to worry too much about. In the paragraph that begins with She rested her hand on his shoulder, you have both then led him briskly and after a long, brisk hike. I know it’s not exactly the same word, but I think it would look better if you replaced one of them. Your story has a lovely flow, and I have nothing to add on either grammar or spelling. Well done!

I want to compliment you on writing such a lovely Neville. He’s perfectly in character in the beginning of your one-shot, even if I think he’s a little too open about his feelings at the end of it. His words there are more what I would expect from a slightly older Neville, perhaps in his mid-twenties, and maybe when he has had a girlfriend and learned to talk about feelings.

My thoughts on your Augusta are similar. While her dialogue is flawlessly written, I don’t really believe her when she says that she has always been proud of Neville, and that she doesn’t want him to be another Frank or Alice. Seeing her so kind and friendly towards Neville, all of a sudden, is a little out of character to me. I agree that she is perhaps not as disappointed in Neville as he believes, but I also think that saying “They would be very proud of you, you know.” and "It amazes me how much you are so very like your father." is about as far as she would go in a conversation like this. It’s not that I think she is unkind, but we have never seen any canon proof that she says nice things to Neville, and I find it hard to believe that someone as old as her would suddenly change and start praising her grandson like that.

To make Augusta, and hence the whole one-shot, more believable, I would suggest you make her a bit more taciturn and grumpy. I think that even only one of the lines I just quoted would be enough to make Neville’s mouth drop open in astonishment. If you wanted to give her another chance to show her affection for Neville, perhaps you could end the story with her suggesting that they should go and look for a new wand for him.

And to finish this review, I want to say again that your style is very nice, and I hope you continue writing and sharing your stories on this site. =)

Author's Response: Thank you for you detailed and helpful response! Yes, I did realize that there's no blank line between the author's notes, but I didn't know that the site would smush them together. I've kind of been too lazy to fix it, lately. Heh. Thank you for the complimetns on Neville, too. I do think he has the potential for conversation, though. I always thought that by fifth year or so, being around his peers would have loosened him up a bit. Not to mention facing down all those Death Eaters. :) Plus, this is more of an outburst than a real conversation, since he's been holding these thoughts in for how long now? As for Augusta...sigh. I was already aware of my shortcomings with her character, due to a lovely constructive review when I'd first published it on my LJ, but I failed to revise due to a wish for consistency. I am revisiting Augusta soon, though, and will definitely grumpify her. Wow. I've turned into one of those indignant huffy writers who respond to constructive reviews with novel-length replies of their own. Sorry 'bout that! :D Thanks again!

Reviewer: Jazzbones
Date: 04/12/07 12:29
Chapter: An Ordinary Man

I always thought Neville deserved more credit than he has gotten. Good depiction of the situation/scene.

Author's Response: OMG he so does! Thank you so much, and keep the Neville love alive! :)

Reviewer: Dragontamer1
Date: 04/11/07 19:18
Chapter: An Ordinary Man

That was actually a really enlightening look at Neville. He seems so simple, but his character seems very complex, and you seem to respect and show that.

Author's Response: Eek, thanks so much! That is exactly what I wanted to convey! I'm glad it came across for you. :)

Reviewer: Jennifer M
Date: 04/10/07 16:57
Chapter: An Ordinary Man

Nice touch for poor hapless Neville. We all knew he had more to him!

Author's Response: Oh, definitely! Neville is my favorite character, and he does deserve a bit more credit, yeah? Thanks for reading!

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