Reviewer: Sainyn Swiftfoot
Date: 07/03/09 12:04
Chapter: Yellow Roses and Daisies

Wow, Heather, that was a really powerful fic. You portray emotions amazingly well, your characters are all so very 3-D and having depth, and your writing is so very beautiful.


The first thing that struck me, as soon as I read the line after the letter was that it's a really very strong line, but it feels somewhat jarred by the commas. All throughout the fic, there seem to be commas, which in my opinion, could be removed for a better flowing fic. One example is the line immediately after the first letter. Another place where I'm not too sure about the use of a comma is here:


Now, it looked like the ink was dry.


Your use of second person is astounding. Very few people can use second person well, and even fewer can use a combination of second person and past tense well. You, however, have pulled it off with a flair that's simply unbelievable. It never once feels forced or boring or jarring.


I threw your brother’s name into the conversation.


I'm not sure what exactly is happening here... Maybe you mean You threw your brother's name into the conversation?


We're taken to feeling bad for Marcus, he's portrayed as a good guy, till the scene in the study. We all know and love Dobby, it really touches us to see him being punched and thrown about by Marcus. This scene, I felt, really made Marcus an amazing character to me-- he's not a goody-two-shoes, he has his flaws, he loses control... This gave him depth.


You folded up the parchment and stuff it into an envelope.


Tense change alert! Your story is in the past tense, but you use stuff here, which is in the present tense. Changing tenses is a fairly common mistake, I do it all the time. >.<


Marcus' mother is done so very well. The Slytherin pride, the vanity, the superiority... Another very beautiful character. You're really good at fleshing them out.


He was a god among kings, and that garnered you respect, even from witty, sniveling brats like Crouch.


I think you mean your respect. Also, minor Britpick, it's snivelling, and not sniveling.


In the last part of the fic, the flashbacks and the present were interwoven incredibly well, and the letter gives a very good conclusion to the story. It was really sweet, and it was something that every reader was wanting to happen.


On the whole, Heather, this was an amazing fic. The characters were amazing, the plot was very interesting and the writing was awesome. You really have a way with words, spinning them and using them to your benefit. The disjointed method was really good, I could see Marcus being stuck between what his mother was telling him, between Hestia, between what he was seeing at school... It reminded me a lot of Sirius.


Good work!






Author's Response: I went back and made the corrections. I really thought the parallel you saw between Marcus and Sirius was interesting. Marcus actually makes the opposite choice, though, because he feels family is important. Marcus is someone who learns to live with the contridictions of his feelings and his loyalty to his family. That's why I like him as a character. I based his appearance off the nameless death eater in HBP who escapes with Draco and Snape. I thought it would be interesting if Lucius had a brother, too. Thanks for the review.

Reviewer: FaunaCaritas
Date: 09/14/07 15:36
Chapter: Yellow Roses and Daisies

I like your work so much. This is an excellent example of what you do best-- the original and unexpected. Your decision to use the second person combined with Marcus' letters is fresh and thought-provoking. I don't think many authors could pull it off, but you managed to perfectly convey the mood and atmosphere you described on your author's note: the slightly disjointed thoughts a confused child-- that indescribable mixture of what is handed down from elders and what comes to be in the individual child.

This story fits well with the style you chose for Fools in Love. The two together give a rounded, complete idea of who Marcus was and were he came from, why he is different and yet why he complies outwardly with his family's creed.

Superb! Keep writing (and please don't abandon Warped Image-- I'm hooked!)

Pax.

Author's Response: Aww. Sorry Warped Image failed. :( A sub-plot as been revamped -- with better writing -- in Accursed Miracle. I found myself wanting to write different characters, so I did. I'm glad you liked Fools in Love, too. It's a bit sappier than my usual fare, but meh. What do you do? I hope more unexpected stuff starts flowing from my brain soon. :) Marcus may return (because I know what happens to him after Fools in Love), and he's such an interesting character for me to write. He seems to fit well into the Potterverse and the tangled lives of the Malfoy family.

Author's Response: Aww. Sorry Warped Image failed. :( A sub-plot as been revamped -- with better writing -- in Accursed Miracle. I found myself wanting to write different characters, so I did. I'm glad you liked Fools in Love, too. It's a bit sappier than my usual fare, but meh. What do you do? I hope more unexpected stuff starts flowing from my brain soon. :) Marcus may return (because I know what happens to him after Fools in Love), and he's such an interesting character for me to write. He seems to fit well into the Potterverse and the tangled lives of the Malfoy family.

Author's Response: Aww. Sorry Warped Image failed. :( A sub-plot as been revamped -- with better writing -- in Accursed Miracle. I found myself wanting to write different characters, so I did. I'm glad you liked Fools in Love, too. It's a bit sappier than my usual fare, but meh. What do you do? I hope more unexpected stuff starts flowing from my brain soon. :) Marcus may return (because I know what happens to him after Fools in Love), and he's such an interesting character for me to write. He seems to fit well into the Potterverse and the tangled lives of the Malfoy family.

You must login (register) to review.
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
Unexploded Bombs by Oregonian 1st-2nd Years
Dudley Dursley has just experienced the death of his elderly father Vernon from...
Ginny's Big Decision by dg04 1st-2nd Years
After Dumbledore's Funeral, Harry tells Ginny that they can't be together anymore...
Little Lions by SexY_LydZ 6th-7th Years
On a stormy October evening, a letter, a late night trip to the library and...
FEATURED
Going Against Salazar's Grain by hestiajones 1st-2nd Years
"Sometimes," said Dumbledore, "we sort too soon." Originally writtten for...
Whispers in the Night by lucca4 6th-7th Years
"Swear to me, Cissy. Swear you won't tell." It's a secret, and it haunts...
Fear and Loathing in Florida (Mostly Loathing) by minnabird 3rd-5th Years
Scabior and Greyback had to escape the Aurors somehow - they just hadn't expected...
Just Before Healing by WeasleyMom 3rd-5th Years
With Hannah, things always go to yellow.
In Bloom by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor 3rd-5th Years
It figures that he ignores the other side of roses. Thorns fit to draw blood...
Magical by Nagini Riddle 1st-2nd Years
Ginny and her brothers sneak down the stairs to look at presents, but instead...
CATEGORIES