Really well written! I felt so much pity for Severus! James is just despicable, and I always root for Severus...
Hi Elissy! I spotted this story in the SPEW Category Patrolling thread over at the forums, and thought that I’d write a review for it. =)
To begin with, it seems that you have a nice, large vocabulary. You make use of it most of the time, though sometimes I think you type a bit too quickly and forget to think about your words. One example of this would be how you quite frequently repeat words in a sentence, such as in: An echoed charm came through the air, and Severus identified it as a drying charm You have a close repetition of “charm” there, but I think that if you would have slowed down a bit, or re-read your own text, you would have picked up on it. A different way of writing that sentence could be: “The echo of a spell reached him through the air, and Severus identified it as a drying charm.” By not repeating the word “charm”, you give a better variation and flow to your text.
I get a feeling that you are really close to writing a fantastic text here, but that you need to think a bit more about what you’re writing. If we look at this sentence:
The thick leaves and shade shadowed him from the glaring afternoon sunshine, as well as the eyes of the other Hogwarts students.
“shade” and “shadowed” are very similar words, there. And by telling us that “thick leaves” are blocking out the sunshine, we already know that Severus is in the shade. But your intentions with the sentence are ever so good – that the leaves can hide him from both the sunlight and the looks of other students. See, if you put it like this: “The thick leaves were protecting him from the glaring afternoon sunshine, as well as eyes of the other Hogwarts students.” – then you escape that repetition completely, and the sentence reads more easily.
I have another example here: Her red hair was slightly damp from splashing and swimming,
- was her hair only “slightly” damp from splashing and swimming? If she had been out of the water for a while I might agree with this, but it seemed in your text that she was still in. I have long hair myself, and if I’m swimming then it’s more than just slightly damp – it’s absolutely soaking. ;) But my point here is that perhaps it would be a good idea for you to visualise the scenes before you a bit more. Try to see it in your own head, what Severus sees. Try to feel it – he must be horribly warm, wearing black robes when it’s warm enough for people to be swimming in the lake?
I don’t quite agree with your characterisation of Lily when she first sees James – I don’t think she would “spit” words at him without being provoked. And it didn’t quite make sense to me when you made her say, "Pity you showed up," she spat. "Because I was just leaving." If Lily was just leaving, why would it be a pity that James showed up?
You told us earlier that Lily was drying something with a charm, so I was very surprised to see her punching her fists into James back when he carried her off. If she had her wand close by, I would have expected her to use it while trying to fight him off. It’s one of my favourite things with writing HP fanfiction, how we have the possibility of including random pieces of magic here and there. Same thing when Sirius threw water at Severus – wouldn’t it have been cool if he had used his wand to soak Severus? And again, when James dragged Severus towards the water, it would have made more sense to me if he had used his wand, skilled a wizard as he supposedly was.
Sirius laughed. "Sorry, Evans. No can do." He shrugged and gave her a mischievous smirk.
- this is an EXCELLENT line of Sirius’! Completely in character - bravo!
"Ah, but Lily, we could just have a little bit of fun," he answered, laughing, leading Severus to the lake and feigning throwing him in.
- In OotP, when Harry talks to Remus and Sirius about what he saw in “Snape’s worst memory”, they tell him that after his parents got together, James stopped messing with Severus when Lily was around. I think that at this point in your story, James would have figured out that throwing Severus into the water would be a bad idea if he wanted to stay in Lily’s good books.
"Look, Mudblood, I don't need your condolences! I could care less about you or your pathetic boyfriend. Now just leave me alone before you make me do something I regret!" he snarled, leaving her standing on the grass blankly.
- Elissy, this is a very, very good piece of Severus Snape. It reminds me of what he said to Lily in “Snape’s worst memory”, but it’s all in your own words. Nice!
I’m aware that I’ve offered quite a lot of critique in this review, but I hope that you feel that it was constructive and helpful. Your style is good and you have an excellent grasp of grammar and spelling; it’s only, as I said earlier, that you have to think a bit more about the words and sentences that come out of your fingertips as you type. Thank you for sharing your story!
Author's Response: Um, wow! I feel like I've been beta'd all over again. :-P But that's a good thing, of course. Thank you for your critique; I really appreciate honesty in reviewers. I can't thank you enough for everything you pointed out in this. I'll definitely remember it when I write more in the future. :-) Thanks!
Im guessing thats it???Because you did really well^^!!
Author's Response: Thanks! And yep, that's it. I appreciate your review. :-)
write more i loved this fic
Author's Response: Thank you =). If you're interested in reading more, there are always the other fics I've written ^_^
This was quite different from a lot of Snape/Lily fics out there, but it was very good! I really liked how Snape kept trying to show her and kept holding himself back at the same time. I really felt sorry for him. At first he's trying to convince himself that he doesn't love her so that he doesn't tell her or anything and then because she's taken. How sad! A good fic, though! :D
Author's Response: Thanks!
There aren't many Lily/Severus fics out there, so I was very excited to read this one! I'm a guilty pleasure Lily/Severus shipper.
It was very good! I liked how you portrayed Lily and James' relationship. It was perfect, they were laughing and joking in the sunshine, while Severus was in the shaded corner, an onlooker. It was a nice contrast.
The denial on Severus' part is also very well written. It was very believable. Of course he wouldn't want to love a Muggle-born, being the way he is. You didn't make Snape OOC, which is also good. He was stubborn and proud, the way he has always been.
Very good job! I loved it. :)
Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much. Your review just made my day. :)