Reviewer: joybelle423
Date: 06/26/07 21:41
Chapter: One-Shot

Hi, Leah! I stumbled upon this while doing Marie’s scavenger hunt, and then I realised that you had written this for that hunt last term, lol. And Anna has already left a review that is like Tolstoy long, so I’m not sure how helpful this will be. Let me start by saying that I really enjoyed it. =) I always felt sorry for Eloise – we only know her as the girl with horrible acne, but I’m sure she grew out of it. Good for her for asking Harry to the end of term ball!

Speaking of the ball, you did a fabulous job weaving that in without making it seem cliché. Since Dumbledore is gone, it would be natural for McGonagall to change things a little, and the ball itself was simple and understated. No masks, no hidden identities, no sudden proclamations of love, etc.

And oh, Eloise is so wise! I love that she questioned Harry about his goals. Somebody needed to do that – Harry must be so lost without Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. Her words after the memorial were profound, too. She’s so honest, yet she does it in a quiet way. Her dreams of becoming a mum so she could do it right … that really hit me. Her description of her father, especially. I liked that she didn’t actually accuse her parents of being horrible, but at the same time, she was able to acknowledge that they hadn’t been supportive. Good job with her character, Leah. Not even a hint of a Mary Sue there.

There really isn’t very much to critique here. The only suggestion I have would be to add some contractions. For example:

“I am going to work at a portrait studio, a magical one. I am a painter, so I am going to learn the trade from a few people there until…yeah that is what I am doing.” She looked down at her hand on his shoulder.

The repeated “I am” is very formal, but then Eloise says “yeah.” Since this is dialogue, it would be more natural for her to say “I’m.”

Also, I noticed that Eloise asks Harry only a week before the Summer Ball. If Harry really has a queue of girls trailing after him, wouldn’t one of them have asked him already, like Romilda? That was the only thing that felt off to me.

While I was reading this, it didn’t feel like I was reading a story. Does that make sense? It was written in such a lovely, smooth manner that it drew me in until it wasn’t fanfic any more. Very, very nice. *hugs*

Author's Response: ABU! *hugs* Thank you for the review! I will change that dialogue thing. As for other girls, they all annoy Harry. Some have asked him, but they just want to be seen with him. He could tell Eloise wasn't like that. Thanks hun! ~Leah

Author's Response: ABU! *hugs* Thank you for the review! I will change that dialogue thing. As for other girls, they all annoy Harry. Some have asked him, but they just want to be seen with him. He could tell Eloise wasn't like that. Thanks hun! ~Leah

Author's Response: ABU! *hugs* Thank you for the review! I will change that dialogue thing. As for other girls, they all annoy Harry. Some have asked him, but they just want to be seen with him. He could tell Eloise wasn't like that. Thanks hun! ~Leah

Reviewer: Myrte
Date: 05/07/07 7:30
Chapter: One-Shot

oh, this was so sweet. it's a really nice end of the harry potter story! and your pairing is just sweet;)

Author's Response: AW! Thank you! :D

Reviewer: jcrowell
Date: 04/25/07 23:14
Chapter: One-Shot

This started out really sad ...and the ending was beautiful and made me cry. I have never read a story with Eloise in it. This was very original. I liked it.

Author's Response: I love being original! Thank you so much!

Reviewer: FenrirG
Date: 04/01/07 2:18
Chapter: One-Shot

Awwww! I just read this fic and I really do love it. It was so sad at first, but Eloise is such a sweet character and the end was just... Lovely.


It really was a very touching, refreshing fic, and I simply loved it. Your characterization of Eloise was excellent, and I'm definitely going to be reading your other stories!


Cheers,
Fenn

Author's Response: YAY! Thank you! :D *is happy*

Reviewer: Fantasium
Date: 03/25/07 16:47
Chapter: One-Shot

Why hello, Leah. I thought I would review one of your stories, and my choice fell on this one.

To begin with, I want to compliment you for picking such an original pairing. Eloise is really an interesting character; someone who has only been mentioned in passing, but who clearly doesn’t live an easy life. It’s wonderful that you chose to have closer look at her person.

The start of the story seems a bit abrupt to me. It is good that you give your readers all of the necessary information, but I would have wanted a little more. Harry is back at school already? Was he allowed some time to heal before he returned? Why did he go back? Did he feel like he owed it to his friends, somehow? And, Ginny was his girlfriend again? All of these questions and more pop up in my head, and it feels like that when so much has happened, a longer introduction might be in place. There is nothing wrong with what you’ve written – I’m just inquisitive and greedy and want more.

When Eloise first appeared I found myself nodding in agreement – I also think of her with a soft, timid voice, and as someone who would easily blush. I’m curious about how she find the courage to ask Harry to the ball, being so shy and all. But my hopelessly romantic mind is telling me that of course it was because she really, really liked him. She probably spent at least a week working up enough courage… *cough* I’m sorry, I’ll stop my pointless speculating right now. ;)

Hm. I thought about this:

“Sure, what is it?” he tried to sound as nice as possible, but he wanted her to leave so he could be alone.

It sounded a little strange in my head. I would either start a new sentence at ‘He tried’, or rewrite it to ‘Sure, what is it?” he asked, trying to sound as nice as possible, although he just wanted her to leave so he could be alone.'

You’ve written Harry just right when he decides to agree to going with her. The more Harry experienced in the books, the more considerate he has become of other people – him taking Luna to Slughorn’s Christmas party is an excellent example of that, I think.

I’m a little hesitant about the whole ‘summer ball’ thing, especially if combined with a memorial service. It seems a little too festive, and McGonagall doesn’t strike me as the type of person who would restart something like that just for fun – I believe she thought the Yule Ball was just a change to interact and for the Hogwarts students to be at their best behaviour. I think a solemn memorial service would seem more proper to McGonagall, don’t you? But, on the other hand, I do realise that it is a good opportunity for Harry and Eloise to get together. But maybe it wouldn’t have had to be a ball? Perhaps a formal dinner? I don’t know, but balls and dances are also rather common in fanfic, and not only do I think, but I know that you, Leah, could have come up with a more original way for Harry and Eloise to meet up. =)

Oh, yes, I wanted to talk about how the other girls hid Eloise’s shoes. That just rings one big Luna bell in my head – remember how people hid her things and she put up notes that they were missing? I’m not saying that this needs to be changed, but perhaps Harry should at least react on it, and think about Luna for a moment? By the way, now I’m curious again, but what about Luna and Neville? We know what have happened to Ron, Hermione and Ginny, but Neville and Luna are also very close to Harry. If they died as well, perhaps Harry should be reminded by it when Eloise tells him of what happened with her shoes? Or, if they are alive, I think it would be great if you mentioned something about how they tried to comfort him, but he just wanted to be alone, or give us a glimpse of them at the ball or the memorial?

“What are some of the things you enjoy, maybe you can figure out what you want to do from that,” she explained.

“Maybe.”


- ooh, I just thought this was so Harry! And I thought it was very plausible for Harry in the situation you set up – uncommitted, and only wanting to end the conversation, but still polite. I’m not sure what it is, but that point in the dialogue was just perfect to me.

I must confess that I have never been a fan of the breaking/sobbing Harry that appears quite often in fanfic. It just… it’s not Harry to me. It’s not that I think he wouldn’t cry, but I think that even when Harry cries it’s with a certain strength – if that makes sense at all? That said, I really like the general idea of Eloise comforting him. I just don't think it needs to be so dramatic, but that Harry's pain could show through a deep, deep sigh, or some slow tears he tried to fight back at first.

I'm going to go back one step, and look at the paragraphs in which you wrote about Eloise's parents. To me, that is the very best part of your story, because it's so realistic and written as if it was self-experienced. I can relate to it as well, as I have thoughts almost identical to those you give Eloise. Leah, it's just a wonderful piece of writing, and the reason I decided to review this in the first place. =)

The scene on the platform is lovely and nicely written indeed, even if I think it comes a bit soon. I don't question the fact that Harry might be attracted to Eloise, or even that he is thinking about a future with her. But you also stated that Ginny was his girlfriend when he died, and I would imagine that if he was already thinking about sharing his life with someone else, he would also feel a little guilty about it.

It's such a sweet, happy ending you're giving us. Did I ever tell you I was a sucker for happy endings? Well, if not, now you know. ;) This is all very satisfying, and I want to thank you for ending your one-shot like this.

I almost feel like I want to apologise for all the critisism in this review, but it was very well meant. You have a lovely, straightforward style, Leah, and I do enjoy reading your work. Again - thank you!

Author's Response: I am finally leaving a response for this! I actually wrote this for Mar's romance class. We had to find rarepair fics and review them. Harry/Eloise was on the list we could choose from, I was intrigued. If we couldn't find one of the pairings to review, we could write it, so I did. I wrote this whole thing in just a few hours...so I don't see it as my best writing. I am fine with critiques, I wouldn't be a mod if I didn't like it. It just makes me a better writer. Thank you. Yeah, it is a bit abrupt. I think I need to sit down and add lots to this fic. I was on a deadline when I wrote it. I will keep your critiques and what you wanted to see in the fic in mind when I do! Er...I think I am connected to this fic a lot. That is why I like it. Eloise is a lot like me. Not as goofy, but a lot like me. When she is talking about herself and her past, that is self-experience. That is pretty much my dad. I love happy endings too! :D I had to make it a happy ending, both Eloise and Harry deserved it! Thank you for the review, I think it is longer than my fic. :D Thank you for the ideas as well. *hugs* ~Leah

Reviewer: NikkiSue
Date: 03/24/07 22:36
Chapter: One-Shot

Ahhh... OC fics are so refreshing. The funny thing is I simply clicked on the story without paying attention to specifics, hehe. Now, let's see here... I really enjoyed the character of Eloise and that is a feat in itself because as much as a good fanfic can flow, it is always an adjustment when I don't know anything about someone's character. The cool thing about your character of Eloise was she was as open as the pages of a book and, therefore, one could quickly realise what she was made up of!

Harry's character... I had mixed feelings, to be honest. When he was not lost inside himself, he was great! I was a little confused in his attitude at times because he just seemed so short tempered... I may have read it wrong but thats what I got out of the fic at times.

The ending... I LOVED the relationship he has with Eloise at the end. It's the Harry I think he might become and I think if he were to not become and Auror, a Quidditch ref would be ideal because he's not *in* the game, perse but he still gets to be on the pitch, on his broom! Nice choice, Leah. All in all, I really enjoyed the story. Any chance of more coming from this? I think it might be enjoyable and I think you have the ability to take it where others have not. You've got quite the talent here!

*huggles*
~Nicole (NikkiSue)

Author's Response: Aw, thank you! I wrote this in like...two hours, so people liking it gives my a warm feeling! Thank you, dear!

Reviewer: HermionePotter
Date: 03/22/07 20:29
Chapter: One-Shot

This was really nice! Its the first fic I've read with Eloise in it, and you did a great job!

~Zimmy

Author's Response: *blushes* Thank you!

Reviewer: Tagidi Riva
Date: 03/20/07 20:24
Chapter: One-Shot

This was so sweet. It really gives you the warm fuzzies. Well done.

Author's Response: O.O You may want to get that looked at. LOL. Thank you!

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