I know I said I'd read your other stuff, but I only have time for one at the minute, and very quickly, too.
Basically, I liked it, but not quite as much as the others ... I dunno, it just wasn't quite believable in some places.
But it was sweet! And also, FLUFF! In abundance. ^_^
Like I said, very pushed for time, I'd better run - but it was good!
I'll be back, I promise.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! This was my very first story up on Mugglenet, so if it wasn' as good as the others it's probbly becuase I've inproved my writing since then. But thanks anyway for the wonderful review. I think i rather like writing fluff :) ~Nicole
that's so cute! i never thought about Grandchildren of any of the trio before! loved it!
Author's Response: Thanks a lot for the review. I enjoy writing about the children or grandchildren of the trio more than about the trio sometimes I'm glad you loved the story!
This is a great fic! I love it! Usually we read fics about the main characters' (like Ron & Hermione) children not grandchildren. It was nice to read something different for a change. I also liked the humorous side of the story. Keep up your great writting!
Author's Response: I'm glads that you liked it. I enjoy writing about other generations because you don't have to write them how you think JK would write them. You can choose how you want them to react to things and feel, and their personalities. Thank for the review, Nicole :)
Ta da! See, I’m not the worst person alive, am I? I occasionally achieve what I set out to do, so you can stop pestering me now :D. I liked it more the second time I read it, mostly because… it just seems so much more real when I’m reading it on MNFF, rather than on my own computer screen with you hovering over my shoulder jumping around saying, “Are you done yet? Doyalikeit?” Of course I like it! (and not just because I’m biased and heart you, no, I really like it!)
The snow melted into the most pure water she had ever tasted. She was captivated by the beauty of the Burrow’s garden.
You’ve got two short sentences that I think could do with a little lengthening. The first sentence could probably be edited to fit into another sentence, seeing as you’re talking about snow before this sentence. The second sentence, however. I know what you thought of the garden, from your description further on, and from what you told me while I think you were eating (my?) lollies. I’m willing to forgive that after you finally published this. Okay, well, aside from mentally squishing you, I think that maybe you could elaborate on the “beauty”. Did it strike her at first glance, so that everything was indescribable? Or was it really that beautiful that she did admire it for a great period of time?
With a grin, he caught the swing he pulled it back far enough that it caused an unsuspecting Elizabeth to topple forwards and land in the snow.
Hurrupmh. That’s familiar.
“Very funny Eliza,” he said, using her nick name. “Or should I call you Beth?”
Eliza! I like Eliza! It’s more… befitting of her personality than Beth, especially in this.
Hmm. Your theory on the death of Marie and Sarah… it’s different, lol. But perhaps the mother being killed by one of her own spells backfiring is a little reminiscent of Luna’s mother? But really… I’m sort of proud of the fact you can create a little, if not a lot of back story. Knowing you there’s more floating around either on my computer, or yours, so you’d better post some more for me/your readers/me.
Another thing I noticed was their dialogue. You know I love my accents and slang and stuff, and after reading the books for a while, I’d have to say that Eliza doesn’t really remind me of anyone, but James (Jimmy!) reminds me of Fred and/or George. Actually, Fred, because he does most of the talking, but whatever. He’s a Weasley at heart. Oh! And I really love the segment where he’s like, “that was rather nice” because that’s just… hee. I want to squish him. So thank you for making me attracted to your OC, Nicole.
And although I don’t really think they’re lips would be stuck together considering what they’re doing, lol, it’s a cute touch. Especially the little note at the end. I had a bit of a giggle at that, of course. Like some other people have said, you’ve got a really cute tone to your writing. It’s in the stage where it’s not too bad, but there could be a lot more substance to it. Obviously right now you’re not going to be write world-changing stuff, but by beginning so early you’ve got a good enough chance at it!
“Looks like he’s eating her face.”
And, I don’t think Ron would exactly whine, maybe… begged? You’ve got to think of the thoughts associated with words, Nicky-O-ley.
But, all in all dearie, congratulations on your first MNFF published piece ;) you end on the cutest little note. Write. More. Now. Please. Thank you. See you
on the flipsidein the kitchen!
Author's Response: Thank you Stephanie! Expect hugs in the kitchen :D ~Nicole
This story may have benefited by some careful beta work. Your somewhat frequent re-use of the same words in close proximity to one another, and other small errors really distract from an otherwise cute story idea.
She pulled her multi-coloured scarf around her neck and laughed happily as she tripped over a root poking its way out of the snow, and landed in the snow.
Example: you've used snow twice in this sentence.
I wanted to make you aware, the bit with her freezing was rather cliché and felt more like lazy storytelling. It is a cute reference, both to your title and the fairy story it's alluding to, but unless Jamie had cast a hex on her, her lips wouldn't freeze like that excepting if she were suffering from extreme exposure, which is serious and can lead to amputations; not at all a romantic outcome.
The back story given for Eliza really serves no purpose except to underline her suffering, and really doesn't contribute to the narrative except to make her a bit of a boarder-line Mary Sue. Character death is a lot like chlorine in tap water – something to be added cautiously, and only for very specific purpose, otherwise your reader's reaction becomes watered down to the point they just don't care. Her sister's death at the hand of a metal patient, and her mother's eventual derangement and death by crushing when she brings the drawing room down on herself really aren't needed to justify accepting a kiss from a boy, as Hermione seems to suggest at the end. This level of suffering just wasn’t needed to forward such a light, fluffy piece, and really served more to break the mood you had worked so hard to create for your reader.
The characters of Elizabeth Weasley and Jamie Jordan are cute, and the swing set scene is nicely done. You have a lot of potential in your writing, with good technical skills and nice descriptive talent. I hope to see you writing again soon, and hopefully you will be able to incorporate some of these suggestions into your next story to the betterment of an already promising talent.
Author's Response: Thank ou very much Nyruserra for you review. With the whole lips freezing incident, I never really thought of it the way you put it, lol. Thanks for all the advice like Character Death, and i'll be sure you work on those things. Thanks for the review, Nicole :)