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Reviews For Shattered

Name: OtterMoone (Signed) · Date: 08/12/10 23:11 · For: One shot
; A ;

Thats all I can say. It's a face, btw.

Name: HogwartsGirly124 (Signed) · Date: 01/14/08 14:44 · For: One shot
*tackle hugs*

This was really moving && great! I loved it! Your just so talented Jess! :) Look forward to more of your brillance! :)


Author's Response: *hugs* Hi! thanks for such a nice review! thank you so much! Im trying to write a oneshot right now thats very different to my normal style. :-D *gives you another hug*

Name: whats in a name (Signed) · Date: 01/04/08 10:11 · For: One shot
really good i mean really good.
im sitting at home in tears

Author's Response: Thank you, Im glad you liked it!

Name: Dissendio (Signed) · Date: 11/07/07 15:45 · For: One shot
Please can you write more? That was so sad but I loved it. You should really make it something more.

Author's Response: double post lol

Name: Dissendio (Signed) · Date: 11/07/07 15:45 · For: One shot
Please can you write more? That was so sad but I loved it. You should really make it something more.

Author's Response: I might write a sequal in the future, but right now, i want to concentrate on my other stories, and also think of an idea. I'm glad you liked it though :)

Name: proudgryffindor (Signed) · Date: 08/14/07 20:27 · For: One shot
one word. amazing!!! i'm an 18 year old mechanic and not that im like some big brawny "manly man" but for me to sit through a story with tears running down my face is not me.. but this story touched me unbeliveably in that way..
thank you

Author's Response: Im so flattered that u liked it! Reviews like this really make me smaile, thank you for leavin me such a wonderful review!

Name: allanbreland (Signed) · Date: 06/17/07 14:09 · For: One shot
why kill ginny? why couldnt uve killed fred or george instead-or hagrid?i really hated the end but the rest was okay

Author's Response: Hmm, i think i killed Ginny, coz i, for some strange reason, cannot write really fluffy one-shots, and i wanted to try to write how Harry, and the others, would react if Ginny died..i seem to like writing about loss, in another one of my one-shots, i killed Harry...they seem to have the most impact...im glad u liked part of it and thanks for reviewing!

Name: Disappearance_26 (Signed) · Date: 03/10/07 22:33 · For: One shot
Well I would only like to say that I really enjoyed this, it's quite.... touching, really I loved it!!!

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm making a few changes to it right now though, grammer spelling and bits and bobs.. i'm glad u enjoyed it!

Name: Chaser47 (Signed) · Date: 03/05/07 13:57 · For: One shot
For hours he had been duelling with Voldemort...

"Duelling" should have only one "l". :]

He was using his last reserves of energy he had left, but he didn’t know how long it would last.

For the first part of this sentence, it might flow better if you took out "he had left", because the phrase "last reserves of energy" describes the depletion on its own. In the second part of the sentence, I would change the "it" to "they" for the sake of easier reading. If these suggestions were a bit confusing, what I'm trying to say is that I would switch the sentence around just a bit so it reads: He was using the lasts reserves of his energy, but he didn't know how long they would last.

Just to note, your paragraphs get a bit long in parts, which makes them kind of hard to read. Your reader's eyes will thank you if you add in a break or two to break them up. :]

The spots grew and grew, and he was sucked into the darkness.

To make it more clear that you're changing scenes, it might be good to add some sort of break, like asterisks or a line of dashes in between this sentence and the next. It would make the transition easier.

That fire that was meant to go on forever had been abruptly blown out.

I would suggest replacing "forever" with "for eternity" because you just used "forever" in the previous sentence. :]

They had been through thick and thin through the years and made it through.

Hmm. Lots of "through"s here. You could consider rephrasing it to something like: Through thick and thin, they had made it past their troubles. Eh, but that's not the best suggestion. I'm sure you could think of something better.

Who knew what the nightmares would be like.

Change the period here to a question mark.

He felt nothing, only numbness.

This read just a tad awkwardly for me. Maybe you could change it to something like: He felt nothing. He was numb.

His eyes, that had once been described as gleaming emeralds, now resembled green stones that had been scratched and coated with filth. He was like an empty shell, a shadow of his former self.

Ooh! I love this description! It's so well-said. I only have one suggestion for the first sentence: I would add "eyes" in front of "that had", so it reads His eyes, eyes that had once been described as gleaming emeralds...

He looked at the name: GINNY MOLLY WEASLEY.

This is pretty nitpicky, but Ginny's full name would probably be on her tombstone: Ginerva Molly Weasley.

Hermione was too speechless to speak.

Hmm. Reading this sentence again, I'm thinking that it might read better if you changed it to: Hermione was to shocked to say anything.

You really have a knack for describing emotions; I can really tell that they're your strong point. Just beware of too much repetition-- a little is good, because it gets the feelings across strong and hard, but too much can make your writing seem amateur.

The ending of your story was especially strong. I loved how you ended it-- with such uncertainty. The last bit with Harry flying on his broom was my favorite. :]

Ok, I'll let you go now! Keep writing and you won't even have to worry about all of the little nitpicky things that I pointed out! :]


Author's Response: wow! Thank you for this very helpful review! When i get the time, i will sit down and edit it with all the feedback! I had the strangest idea, but it really didnt fit with this story and was just plain stupid, really, just as harry flew off, i thought of having a boy going 'look its superman' or something...very weird, lol. I'm glad you liked it and thank you for picking out the errors :)

Name: eViL_EmeRaLd_EyeS (Signed) · Date: 03/04/07 6:53 · For: One shot
Jess I can honestly say that that story brought me to tears. You know me, and also know that I am not usually driven to tears by fanfiction, but this was the exception. I love the way that it was beautifully written, and the only flaw that i will make a critisism about is that Ginny was dead. When I was reading it and saw that Ginny had indeed died, I was not going to read it, as she is my favourite character after Sirius, but after seeing that powerful and emotive writing that you used to accompany her death, I realised that it was one of the best stories with Ginny dead in it that I have ever read. I would strongly reccomend to our fellow Muggleneter's that they should read this fan fic. I am not exagerating in saying that I think Jo herself would have been proud to call this her story. Luff yew A_Pink_Lady! Maisie (Johnny Depp Addict) xxx

Author's Response: hiya, i wrote a response, but it just disappeared! thank you for the review! it took me quite a while to write and i kept on looking back at it a lot, i dont like reading stories with dead harry or ginnny, but this idea (and heartbreak) just came to me and i had to write it. i thought Remus was ur 2nd fav character? Lol. Oh yeah, ive got a way to bring ur fav sirius into my xover story...lol. Thank u for the compliment... xxx

Author's Response: hiya, i wrote a response, but it just disappeared! thank you for the review! it took me quite a while to write and i kept on looking back at it a lot, i dont like reading stories with dead harry or ginnny, but this idea (and heartbreak) just came to me and i had to write it. i thought Remus was ur 2nd fav character? Lol. Oh yeah, ive got a way to bring ur fav sirius into my xover story...lol. Thank u for the compliment... xxx

Name: Ginny Weasley Potter (Signed) · Date: 03/04/07 3:15 · For: One shot
It was so touching... you have written it very well.

Author's Response: Thank you so much, i worked very hard on this, im glad u enjoyed it!

Name: Visceral Love (Signed) · Date: 03/03/07 20:05 · For: One shot
Shattered by A_Pink_Lady, has power. It will astound you how much it can affect you, beyond reason, beyond anything else. Because after all’s said and done A_Pink_Lady writes with passion. Others may tinker around with style, or grammar, she focuses on what she feels and allows it to spill out of her. Unfortunately the spilling is a little messy, and while there are points almost too fantastic to describe, there are also points that are below average. And because of the immense potential I see in A_Pink_Lady I think it would be a disservice to ignore those points so that she can eliminate them and really make her work brilliant at every point. One of the most brilliant points was easily:
He could see the glassy look in her eyes that he knew only too well. Dumbledore, Cedric, Lupin, Moody.

The reader is prepared for grief, but they expect to be dipped into it slowly, and this is a shock. A delightfully painful burst of subtle grief that really lets the reader into Harry’s head without falling to the melodrama that A_Pink_Lady seems prone to in other points. However, surprisingly she can also make the extreme drama work well, and in one of my favorite lines and endings she executes this superbly.

The golden trio was shattered, gone, only a memory now. Maybe one day, Harry would come back and it would be remade.
Maybe not.

This is the perhaps the best example of A_Pink_Lady’s potential. I can see her style clear from clichés here and it’s beautiful. It is heartbreakingly simple and balanced between optimism and nostalgia. One of the many mistakes that Dark writers make is that they believe that they have to leave it with a complete feeling of despondency for the reader to be truly changed. A_Pink_Lady obviously understands that this is simply not the case.

However, there are also some serious flaws in this piece. Least significantly there are some grammar flaws, the most notable one being in this sentence:
Suddenly a Healer rushed in and despite Harry’s protests, poured some dreamless potion down his throat and he fell instantly into a deep sleep.
There should be a comma after suddenly and this sentence is a run-on. It would be much better as a separate sentence.
The author’s biggest flaw however is unoriginality. Unfortunately this one of the hardest things to fix, but I have confidence in her. The clearest and most common example of this fault is the numerous cliche’s she uses, for example:
His blood froze.
Simple sentences like this aren’t necessary as the author does a great job of writing in a third-person narrative that has a feel of first, making the focus really on Harry Potter, not on each physical action. Instead of employing poor clichés like this to try to get across the emotions that she has already told us about it would be much better if she just let Harry’s thoughts express his horror.
Simplicity also comes with the burden of bluntness unfortunately, which can easily evolve into melodrama. For example in the passage where Harry is watching Ginny dies she (the author) showcases the shock of death wonderfully, but then spoils it, by telling us what we should be feeling.
He didn’t see the ark of the spell slam into his stomach, scarlet eyes widen with anger, then shock and finally fright. He didn’t see the most evil and feared wizard of all time crumple into a heap on the ground. All he cared about was Ginny.
However, regardless of the numerous faults I see enormous potential in A_Pink_Lady and immensely look foreword to reading any future work. I wish her only the best.

Author's Response: This review has left me completely speechless! Thank you for the most detailed review ever, i really appreciate the constructive critisism! I'm still trying to improve my grammer and thank you for pointing out the 'unoriginality' and what i need to avoid.. i didnt realise i was doing it and i will keep that in mind for the future. I wasnt that sure that the last bit would work, i originally just ended the story with the letter. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my one shot, this review has really cheered me up! Ps: Are u a member of SPEW? (they write fantastic reviews like this)

Name: Ophelia Girl (Signed) · Date: 03/03/07 19:48 · For: One shot
*speechless and crying*

That was...amazing. You honestly have to be JKR in disguise.

Author's Response: *Blushes intensely* thank you for the lovely review! I didnt mean to make u cry! I'm glad you liked it. Being compared to the grea JKR? Wow.. i dont think i'm that good! Thank you!

Name: pammiez_x3 (Signed) · Date: 03/03/07 19:29 · For: One shot
very good. i thought you captured harry's emotions very well. maybe you'll write a sequel?

Author's Response: Hmm, i never really thought of a sequal, if i get some more ideas i might. Thanks for the review!

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