Reviewer: Lurid
Date: 06/26/07 23:27
Chapter: Prologue and Story

Dear GP,

Squee. I love it.

Steph.

PS – I loved how from the first paragraph it was to be a smuttier story. I tend not to heed warnings too well, seeing as some perceive sexual situations as a kiss, sometimes. So when I started seeing words like pleasure and the soft silks, I was very, very happy. I was trying to limit myself, so that I might not be disappointed when it didn’t eventuate to anything, but yay. Extreme yay, it did. And I love the words you chose in the first paragraph – they weren’t entirely suggestive, but they are very interesting…

I understand either that some of the original content has been cut from the story due to its (I’m assuming >.>) explicit nature, but I did find that it moved a little quickly from the description of Salazar which was nice (Very nice! Liked the intelligent details!) to the erm, well yes. Assuming we all know what it is, I did think things moved a little fast, almost as if a paragraph or three had been deleted. If that is the case, I think there needs to be a little neutral bondage of the story, and that applies to within the story, if you chop out normal paragraphs when editing as well.

I think your use of words are great as far as timeline goes. I mean, I know it’s Rowena and it’s eons ago, but the phrases you’ve used – it’s almost as thought she’s thinking old, as well as living in an age almost extinct to us. I’m getting those vibes that just scream the age of King Arthur, all the battles and all the magic. It’s very peaceful, especially the paragraph about the centaurs. She’s got a very peaceful way of thinking.

The tense does bother me a little bit. It’s a little awkward, even though the basics flow great and you’ve done everything right. I just don’t know whether or not it’s right for the story you’ve written. I’m not suggesting going around and changing everything now that you’ve written it, but with all the thinking and the time in which it’s set, it’s a little fresh, and a little too sudden to fit in with the mood. However, it fits her thoughts so you’ve got me there. I’ve never really considered tense before, actually, so this has got me thinking, and I’ll continue to think.

“Salazar,” her mind whispers. “Come, join with my mind as you are with my soul and watch, this night, the dance of our love, lived then, yet bonded forever.” I actually think here that you could change the period after whispers to a comma, and without the interference (I’m not sure of the correct term for it) it would read, “Salazar, come…” which I think flows better than simply speaking one word, and then speaking with such connection to him. Having his name in the sentence and the pause instead of in a different sentence ties it better, I think.

“Oh, my Lord Salazar, you wondered once if I would feel sad, alone, abandoned, or regret the choices made and paths never taken?” This isn’t technically a question, so I’m not sure. You’d have to rely on the tonality of the voice, I suppose. Maybe something like, “have you ever” or “remember when you asked me” or something along those lines, so that she’s either posing the question to him in the present, or referring back to when he’s previously asked a question.

And I’m having glass fall on me from a broken light, so I’m going to have to end this review here and come back later :).


Author's Response: Steph, I don't think I realized you had reviewed this story. Thank you. The verb tense used was deliberate...past plu-perfect. I would have to go back to the original story as sent off to potter_wars to check what was editted out. I don't remember just now. The original story was actually part of a broader story, but I never returned to it. I love your comments regarding the "?" and the wording.....absolutely no one could agree and was changed with each beta read. I gave up! Now that it is nearly a year old, I may re-visit it and smooth out the more abrupt transitions. Thank you, gp

Reviewer: Poultrygeist99
Date: 02/18/07 23:36
Chapter: Prologue and Story

Yup. I still just really love this piece. Kudos!

Author's Response: Thank you. Am so glad you supported the original and still like it with the changes. I was so surprised because your review notification was first in my email. I had no idea it had been posted. *tears and hugs* PDRSJ56 02/19/07

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