I sort of expected something else, and definitely not for Harry to commit suicide >>
Nevertheless, it was well-written. One thing, the part with Godric Gryffindor was sort of vague. I'm sorry to say that I didn't quite get it.
But you did a good job though. =]
~mugglemathdork/Knight of the Turnip Table
Author's Response: Thank you. I know, that part is something that I had a problem with, and usually when that happens it doesn't sound very good. Thank you for your review!
Wow. This is an excellent piece of writing. You have an amazing style and you use words very well to show the reader exactly what you are picturing. Excellent imagery!!
What I loved about this story is that from the very first paragraph, the reader is pulled in into the story, looking to find out more. Why is this person standing in front of death? Is this person going to commit suicide? The pressing questions continue, driving the reader to continue.
As I’ve said before, your imagery is great and only gets better as the story progresses. Your story shows that you have put a lot of thought it and you have many great developed ideas that were included, only making it better.
Something that I noticed as reading is that there is a flow to the story and your way of writing that sometimes gets broken by a few words. In a few places where your writing was steadily flowing, you have inserted a few words or a sentence that just doesn’t seem to belong. With a bit of rewording those sentences and omitting some words, the flow will be consistent.
With every great story, and that is what this is, comes a few minor errors.
They all died at the hands of Voldemort, the last people holding me back from going insane, the only people who stood by my side, fighting with me until they couldn’t fight anymore.
This sentence, instead of a comma after Voldemort, needs a semi-colon. With the way it is now, it makes it seem that it is Voldemort that you are describing.
First a leg, silver in the dimly lit room; then half of his body, for it is a man, followed soon by the other half.
“for it is a man” seems to be inserted in the wrong place. If inserted at the end of the sentence with a semi-colon, erasing the “for”, it would be better worded.
“I don’t think we should stay here when very day we are putting the children more and more at risk.
very = every.
I did find one thing confusing though. The three founders wanted to make themselves immortal but without powers. If so, then why create a veil, which kills? It doesn’t seem logical unless they weren’t meant to enter the veil. Also, what is this potion that Salazar inserted into their drinks? What was its effect on the founders?
Overall, very well done! This is written excellently and I hope to read more from you.
Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much. Yes, I know it's a bit confusing, and thank you for pointing out those errors! This was my first fanfic, and I just kinda pulled it together.
well, this pretty much blows my story out of the water. =) Excellent, excellent, excellent times a kajillion job. This is definetely the best story I have read in a couple of months- it's going on my favorites (much as I hate to say it. =) )
Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much!