MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
06/05/07 16:34 · For:
Hi Preethi! *hugs SPEW buddy* I enjoyed reading this story, because it was different from the other historical stories I’ve read lately in that it didn’t focus on descriptions but on dialogue. The Founders, apart from Rowena, who is also characterised through her thoughts and emotions, are only characterised through speech and actions, but you still manage to convey a lot about their personalities.
Name: Ron x Hermione
During Rowena’s dream you show us that Helga and Rowena are less hot-headed than Godric, because they sit down during the confrontation with Salazar and are not standing to demonstrate their power like the men, they also try to view the situation objectively while both Godric and Salazar are were much angry. Then later you show how Rowena tries to rationalize her dream and make herself believe that it wasn’t important or prophetic, even though she feels that it was. This shows the traits Rowena valued in her students in her own character and is nicely contrasted by Helga, who seems to believe in the importance of dreams and Divination, judging by Rowena’s comment to herself (Foreseeing the future, indeed. Smirking, she realised that was something Helga would say, not she, Rowena.). Before this turns into some kind of characterisation of the Founders, I just wanted to say again how well you managed to convey these traits through dialogue and actions and made your characters more than just the silhouettes they are in canon.
Before anyone could stop her, she ran to the window and jumped, falling through the air… This sentence would, in my opinion, have a greater impact, if you ended it after ‘jumped’. That she would then fall through the air is something the reader can imagine himself, as the picture of someone jumping out of the window suggests them falling afterwards. For your plot it doesn’t make a difference if Rowena feels herself falling or wakes up right after she jumps, so your story won’t suffer if you leave the falling part out.
Right after Rowena wakes up she hears an owl hoot in the distance, but then she glares at said owl. If it was in the distance, would she really be able to know where exactly it sits in order to glare at it? Maybe she could just glare in the direction the sound came from without seeing the owl?
Time seems to pass awfully fast after Rowena wakes up. First it is shortly before midnight and then all of a sudden the sun rises and Rowena has hardly done more than drink some water. What did she do in all the time between midnight and sunrise? Maybe you could include a few sentences about how her thoughts went in circles and even though she tried she couldn’t forget about the dream and go back to sleep, so it won’t seem as though a few hours are missing somewhere between her waking up and sunrise.
I love the last sentence of your story. You end it on a really strong note, showing the readers the cute scene between Salazar and Rowena they just witnessed was only the calm before the storm and that Divination and dreams shouldn’t be ignored after all. Well not all dreams at least, the one Rowena had with the radishes in it can be ignored, I would say. *giggles*
Author's Response: Hi Ilka! *hugs teh SPEW buddy* Thanks so much for the lovely review! I'm glad you found the characterisation of the Founders believable :) That was something I was quite worried about. I completely see what you mean about the time factor; I hadn't really thought about it. Thanks for pointing it out to me! Oh, and the last line of the dream. I'll try and fix those two ASAP. Thanks again for the review, dear! *hugs*
(Signed) · Date:
02/19/07 8:12 · For:
Yay! It was put up!
I was so happy that you asked me to beta this; this was a truly amazing story, and it was very unique!
I like how you used a relationship of Rowena and Salazar; I've never seen any relationship quite like that before, and the way that you wrote the romance was utterly brilliant.
Salazar might actually leave the school. More importantly, me.
I really like how you portray and have Rowena characterized. We don't know that much from the books, but I like how you've written her. She seems elegant, and she seems to know what she wants. As I've said before, I like how you've paired her up with Salazar. I kind of like the idea of Godric as well, but that wouldn't leave the story as good as you wrote it now, would it? *giggles*
To see Salazar actually love someone was nice; the only fics that I've read about him are how he "hates muggle-borns" and opened the Chamber of Secrets... etc. etc. I like how your fic focuses around his soft side, and not his dark. You actually don't even see that in this fic.
You use some great vocabulary and words in this story, and I am happy that I have read this. I seriously wouldn't be surprised if you won this contest!
How very wrong she was.
The cliffhanger at the ending was awesome! We know from the books and the lexicon that Salazar Slytherin DID leave the school, and I would like to see a fic from you on how Rowena deals with his departure.
A reluctant grin replaced her scowl at the thought of Salazar. That mischievous twinkle in his eyes… that seductive grin… that witty banter… any woman would fall for him. And fallen she had.
I really like this sentence. It describes just how you would think a romance between... basically anyone ...goes, and I like how you've explained with the "twinkle in his eyes" "seductive grin, and "witty banter". I think that, in his love life, Salazar would be like this. I think that you've got him characterised nicely as well. I also think that how you say "Any woman would fall for him." I wouldn't ever put that in a story, but that's a unique approach on this particular character. Great ideas there.
Oops, and I hate to say this... But I saw something that I missed.
He held up a hand to silence her. “Hogwarts is my dream, love. My life. I will not leave the school forever.” “And more importantly, you.”
There shouldn't be two four sets of quotation marks in that sentence. In between 'forever' and 'And', you might want to remove those quotation marks. But that's just a lovely suggestion. :)
You are a very talented writer, I'll give you that. I'll go and read some more of your stories! I'm adding you and this story to my favorites list. Wow, I hope that this review wasn't too long...
Thanks for the great read!
Author's Response: *squees* Lindsey, no review is too long for me, or for that matter any author :D Thank you soooo much for the review, you're given me a wonderful start to the day :) And I'll change that quotation marks ASAP. Thanks again for beta-ing and reviewing!