MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Lurid (Signed) · Date: 12/20/07 7:14 · For: Chapter 1
Wendelin dear! It’s been so long. I wrote down that I owed you a review, so here I am. I think it was for that lovely Absinthe banner you made, but really, it doesn’t matter. I was in a weird mood to start with, and then reading this… it’s one of those stories that just dulls all strong emotion and renders your powerless to be consumed by the words, and what you want us to feel. It’s spooky.

The majority of this story is in long, descriptive sentences that do draw you in, but tend to get a little repetitive towards the end. You tend to repeat lines without drawing completes conclusions between them, like when they’re at the start, and there’s asterisks every two or so sentences. It’s a little disconcerting to be bounding around that much.

I love the depth of the sentences, though. I do love the emotion, and the way you touch upon things that let the mind wander, such as Tonks’ scars and very brief yet strong descriptions that let you imagine things further than what you’ve said, like the texture of hair, the colour of their skin, their face – it’s very sensual, and detailed.

A few nitpicks:
She walks as if she is in a dream, where a thin wall of illusion separates her from reality, She is mad, they say. Poor her. I’d actually get rid of the comma after reality. I don’t know why I didn’t before.

It is her life that is fading away though. The though here seems a little redundant.

Once he had cherished something with her but it was a mistake, why didn’t she realise that? Turning this into two sentences would make reading this a little easier, as the mind automatically adjusts it’s understanding based on grammar, and this question mark is a little odd if it’s one sentence. I’d suggest splitting it before why.

There was a good amount of dialogue, and I think your invented line fitted in well, although perhaps it’s a little odd seeing as you followed the scene perfectly up until then. I personally prefer JKR’s version, but that’s just canon freak me. You’ll find people who adore when people turn “reality” on end, but you know. Whatever, Trevor. :D

So, to say the least, I enjoyed this. It was subtle, and powerful. I recognise the tone of the story because I use it often – it helps when that happens, doesn’t it? So I think you definitely got the effect you were going for –throws crunchy grass, instead of snow balls-

Name: tc015 (Signed) · Date: 04/25/07 16:14 · For: Chapter 1
Wow. Remus/Tonks is my OTP, and I love reading fics about them. This was one of my favorites.

I love your characterization of Remus. He seems exactly like how I would imagine him. I love the quote below because it really shows Remus's lack of self confindence, and it shows how he is feeling.

“ I have told you a million times, I am too old, too poor, too dangerous…” And his mind is screaming, I am a coward, I am a werewolf, I am dead.

The first scene was great. I love how you use no dialogue there, and how it alternates from Tonk's and Remus's POV. It is very dark.

The scene in the Hospital Wing was good also. The flashback to the night when he was bitten fit perfectly in with the story.

Somewhere he is the only child, doomed to a life of prejudice and greyness and he knows only one thing could have changed all that and that he had just let it slip away.

I loved the last line. It was so powerful, and it fit the story perfectly.

Name: HPwizzzard (Signed) · Date: 03/06/07 16:05 · For: Chapter 1
Two things amaze me. The first is that I haven't seen this before now, and the second is that no one else has reviewed. It was wonderfully depressing and it made me cry (which I need to stop doing over fanfiction, it makes the nice people in white coats ask questions). The decriptive language was amazing, particulary this bit:

Her long-sleeved robes fail to cover the raw red scars running down her wrists. Her hair has turned a mousey-brown and her eyes look cold, empty and somehow much more icy, as if all the life and warmth in them has slowly been sucked out. He knows he has done this to her and he still can’t meet her eyes.

Excellant. You slipped the self-injury (at least I asume that's what it is) in there in a subtle way few people can do. And your characterizations are perfect.

Now, for the concrit: I couldn't find much but a spelling error and a matter of personal taste, but here it is.


The 'e' needs to be AK'd.

"You know, I have always thought you two would do well together," states Molly Weasley as she places a hand on Tonks’ shoulder.
“It’s…it’s mad,” he says, still refusing to look at her.

This... I have a problem with people chnaging canon dialouge when it's unessacerey to the story. It's not as well-written as Jo's words (sorry) so you'd be better off with the oringinal.

A thin, red veil covers her eyes and the room spins in front of her, a blur of colours, faces and people. Rough hands pick her up as they shout at her and ask a lot of meaningless questions, but all she sees is his face.

And I almost forget- it may be my own stupidity, but I have no idea what's going on here.

You must login (register) to review.