MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Reviews For So She Dances

Name: Skipper424 (Signed) · Date: 12/29/07 16:31 · For: So She Dances
The moon was not visible from his window, but he left the curtains open anyway, so he could look out at the unreachable stars.

Unreachable. Poor Neville. You did so many wonderful things in this story, Katie, I hope you won’t mind if I tell you about a few of them. First, the whole sense you get of Ginny being out of Neville’s reach and how he wishes, deep down, that things were different. How he wishes that Harry would be interested in someone else and maybe he would be Ginny’s choice. It’s an undertone that I can feel early on but it is not punctuated until the line above … near the end. For me, that is what really makes a one-shot effective: a nice kick at the end.

I also think you have a lot of wonderful imagery in the story without it being overbearing or disrupting the flow. Some of the scenes where you describe the moonlight, in particular, are wonderful. I like: Moonlight poured through the windows lining the hallway, bathing Neville’s path in ghostly blue, though it did not touch the shadows at the corners of the floor or the deep darkness of the high ceiling. Additionally, I think you did a great job making the moonlight a recurring theme throughout. It has the effect of tying everything together.

I think your characterisation of Neville is nicely done. The range of emotions he feels is very believable. And, the dialogue between the two characters is also nice … though I did wonder about something: Ginny turned bright red. “No — he — I — he wasn’t really going to ask. He might have, but it wasn’t because he wanted to go with me, it was because he didn’t have a date.” I know Ginny can be blunt, but I’m not so sure she would say this – this way – to Neville. Maybe its just me trying to imagine myself in Ginny’s shoes (awkward) trying to explain this. Doesn’t it seem like that might make it awfully plain that Ginny didn’t really want to be there with Neville?

I mean, we all know that is the case – and so does Neville. I just wonder if its more effective kept in the background. What if she stammers initially, then smiles and tells Neville something along the lines that she is glad that she got to go with someone who wanted to be there with her? It doesn’t erase the any of the Harry/Ginny stuff … everyone still knows its there. And, Ginny is not lying to Neville … just helping him save a little face.

Eh … probably just silliness on my part.

Overall I think you do a tremendous job with Neville and I really enjoyed this story. Great job!

Author's Response: Yay! I got two from the same person! Thank you!

Hm. That little stutter of Ginny’s is something of a rejection, but as I see it, it doesn’t sting like that might normally. For one, Neville doesn’t expect her to want him. Also, this night isn’t about saving face; Neville puts his heart on the line for Ginny, and she returns him the courtesy of being honest. That’s just how this late, wishful night goes. I think he knows that she appreciates him; after all, she lets him comfort her. And no, your comments aren’t silly at all. I appreciate your point of view.

It makes me happy that you like the moonlight theme. I love this song and I love moonlight, so when I hit the theme, I just took off with it. As the moon itself really is untouchable, no matter how close it looks, it suited well to end on that note.

I am glad that you like Neville as much as I do. I came to appreciate him a lot after all these. Who knew he had all this romance in him? :) Thank you yet again! I love thoughtful commentary.

Name: Celestial Melody (Signed) · Date: 12/26/07 18:53 · For: So She Dances
Wow, Katie. That was just lovely. I don't read Neville stories often... in fact, the only story that I remember having read where Neville held a key-ish role was Seren's "Through Fields of Gold," and everyone (basically) ended up dying there anyway. =/

But, gah. What beautiful descriptions you employ. The song fit perfectly, but it was your words that truly made this story memorable.

In order to make myself appear more SPEWly, I'll endeavor to point out a few things that I think could be improved upon:

At the beginning of the short story, Neville is climbing up the stairs and dreading entering the common room. I, as the reader, was unsure whether or not he had already entered the common room and was merely remembering the chattering boys and girls due to the slight choppiness of the sentences. If one reads carefully, one can clearly see that Neville is not having a flashback and is, in fact, returning to the common room/Gryffindor Tower for the first time that night after the Yule Ball. However, the meaning of the entire first paragraph could be improved by simply adding the word 'either' after “...he had no desire to return to the common room.” It simply allows things to flow a little better.

A brief character note: I love how real you've made Neville. He acts just like a regular teenage boy except that he is, perhaps, better mannered than most. (And not quite as lecherous.) In particular, I liked his resigned nature. JKR and the movie makers do a good job of showing that side of Neville's character and you've taken that and ran with it here. It works, Katie. Marvelous. =)

“...busy peering behind statues for miscreant students.” Like Neville at this point? *giggles*

”Moonlight poured through the windows lining the hallway, bathing Neville’s path in ghostly blue, though it did not touch the shadows at the corners of the floor or the deep darkness of the high ceiling.” This begins the beautiful imagery that characterizes this piece. Usually, 'blue,' 'moonlight,' and 'ghostly' descriptors fill me with apprehension or fear or loss, but here, I feel peaceful. Beautiful.

“...even if he had not spent most of the night looking at her.” *sniffs* Now, this just makes me sad. Like I said, I'm not really a fan of Neville, but this makes him seem far too much like my brother or another of my guy friends for me to remain immune. That seems to be one of your more refined talents, Katie, although you excel in all things written: To be able to bring a character to life is such a gift ... and you have it in spades.

Another brief nitpick: “...but now fell loose down her shoulders.” This sentence, though fine, could be improved by making a change such as this: “...but now fell loosely to her shoulders.” It improves the flow.

“...a full moon lighting her sad face.” might sound better as “...THE full moon lighting her sad face.” because it is understood that the same moon is lighting the Hall and lighting Ginny's face. However, this is merely personal preference and the sentence is absolutely fine just as it is.

“Her graceful steps seemed to echo with unhappiness.” This sentence seems a touch out of place. She has not yet begun dancing, so unless Neville is referring to her dancing at the Ball—which is unlikely since he says later on in the piece that her smile was convincing throughout the Ball—this doesn't quite fit. Perhaps it would be better placed farther down in the story? =/

This: “Once, she raised her arms to the height of a fourteen-year-old boy’s shoulders, but dropped them a moment later.” = love. And that is that. XD

“...from dark gloom to pale light.” And usually such a transition echoes sadness to happiness, or oblivion to understanding, but here... I feel desolate. This is how you, Katie, as the author, want me to feel ... but I find that I do not like it. *grins wistfully* Yet, what can I do? Again, your prowess as a writer is evident.

Oh, and the end is so devoid of emotion on Ginny's part and so contained on Neville's. He does seem like a regular teenage boy up until this part. It is really unfortunate that someone so kind receives the brunt of Life's temper. The last sentence is ... heartbreaking in its finality, in its truth. I find myself feeling for Neville ... more than ever.

Wonderful job, Katie. Exquisite.


P.S. Incredible title; entirely too apt. If I hadn't cried myself out watching Rent last night, I would have been bawling along with Ginny.

Author's Response: :D :D :D Thank you so much! I really appreciate all the comments and the criticism. I like this story a lot--it's one of the few things I've written that makes me, myself, feel anything. So I like being able to make it even more perfect ;)

I'm not sure how I like the beginning. I feel that it's necessary for a setup, but as you pointed out, there is a very clear transition to where the story goes, as opposed to the beginning. I shall probably work on/edit/rewrite that at some future date.

Thank you again for taking the time to do this! I really appreciate it.

Name: immortalbeloved (Signed) · Date: 12/04/07 21:23 · For: So She Dances
This is my favorite Josh Groban song. :) This story was just so sweet! Thanks for totally making my day!

Author's Response: I am glad that I could!

Name: Marauder by Midnight (Signed) · Date: 09/30/07 10:15 · For: So She Dances
This story was a combination of several loves in my life: Josh Groban, dancing, and Neville Longbottom. Of course I had to read this story!

I absolutely loved the weaving of moonlight into this story. It made excellent imagery, and it beautified the story.

I liked this portrayal of Ginny, the shy and innocent little girl she was (where did she go in the series, I wonder). I love pairings with Ginny and Neville because of their similarities - brave but timid at the same time.

I was slightly confused by why Ginny seemed so sad; was it really because Harry didn't ask her to the dance? She did seem to have an excellent time at the ball, and I'm slightly annoyed at her for making this so hard for poor Neville.

Just nitpicking, but I'm not sure how the radio came to work in Hogwarts. Maybe it would've been better if the band had continued playing and if the ball hadn't completely ended yet and people were only beginning to leave. Also, I can't imagine Neville about to leave without saying a goodbye to Ginny or at least wonder where she went. He was, after all, her date.

A great story to match a beautiful song. Good job, SPEW buddy!

Author's Response: Hm. I forgot that Neville probably would have checked for Ginny before leaving...will fix that. The radio--I'm not sure of that either, but I needed music in a solitary setting. And Ginny is supposed to be sad because of Harry, but the reason doesn't really matter; Neville's reaction is what does it. I am glad that you like this one so much. It's a very--for lack of a non-cliched word--special to me. I'm pretty fond of it, and I love seeing it get some good feedback. Thanks again!

Name: Pepper Imp (Signed) · Date: 07/28/07 22:06 · For: So She Dances
Wow, I love this story – it showed how I thought Neville would perceive Ginny if he “like-liked” her perfectly. I think that he would have done and thought all these things.

However, the formatting bugged me a little. I think that the song should either be centered or scattered throughout the story – but that’s just me, there are no set guidelines to adding songs to fics.

I must say that your characterization of Ginny is marvelous as well – I think that she is still shown as strong, yet needs someone to cry on when she needs it. And I think that that was a really important point about her relationship with Neville. She’s not his girlfriend – even though he would like her to be – but she sees him as someone close enough to cry on.

Most of all, I liked the “I’m sorry I asked you to the ball,” line. I think that it shows Neville personality best – he’d tried to make her feel better by admitting that he knew why she was sad, but it came out in the wrong words. That’s definitely our favorite clumsy Neville!

Finally, I’d like to say that your description of the hype preceding the Yule Ball and the Common Room was tremendous, and the overall description of everything was amazing – I think that your writing style is amazing! Keep up the wonderful work!

Author's Response: Thank you! thank you! I love all these reviews. They make my day. Or maybe my week. I don't write songfics very often, so debated about the lyrics. A friend told me that when lyrics are at the beginning, she usually skips them, and of course it isn't the same to go back and read them later. I didn't want to space them through the story because I felt that it might break the piece up too much. The only place left was at the end -- not ideal, maybe, but the only other option. Thanks for commenting on Ginny! She is indeed a very strong girl, but no one is strong enough to carry everything. Hee hee. Poor Neville. He's gotten better in later years at saying what he means to say, but at this point he is still a young teenaged boy. He's so sweet, but things don't always come out right. Again, thanks loads for taking the time to review! I definitely will contine to write.

Name: Merlynne (Signed) · Date: 07/28/07 12:37 · For: So She Dances
Firstly, I’d like to say you have a beautiful writing style. Your language flows easily and is a pleasure to read. This story is simple yet incredibly accurate and intuitive. Your portrayal of Neville is absolutely fantastic. You’ve captured fourteen-year-old Neville perfectly, and I congratulate you on this. He’s a delicate character to try to write, and you’ve done so superbly.

I particularly likes the way you showed Neville’s though process jumping around. When he’s thinking about how he worried what to wear and then remembered his coat was still in the great hall. I loved that part. You’ve show how forgetful Neville can be without making him seem completely spacey. It made me smile to think I do the same thing—realize I’ve forgotten something somewhere after getting home.

Your use of imagery is really amazing. Your descriptions, such as the one of the Great Hall when Neville enters it, was beautiful. I’ve been noticing a lot of authors skip over the more descriptions in all their poetry and focus on plot. I love how you haven’t. It adds a dimension to the story that wouldn’t have been there otherwise.

“Her graceful steps seemed to echo with unhappiness.” I absolutely loved this like. Adored. It made me sigh.

Your characterization of Ginny, once Neville encounters her, is amazing too. “Depending on no man to lead,” fits Ginny perfectly. She seems vulnerable at this point, but I love how you haven’t forgotten what a strong individual she normally is. I also really enjoyed how Neville apologized for asking Ginny to the ball. It sounds just like something Neville would do.

The last line was absolutely fantastic. “Unreachable stars.” He couldn’t be meaning Ginny, could he? Excellent connection, symbolism, all those English words. This was an amazing piece. I’ve never heard the song this was based around, but I think I’m going to have to listen to it. Great work. I have nothing critical to day to you, you’ve done superbly here!

Author's Response: I love how people keep saying they need to listen to this song. It's a great song and I very much recommend it! Thank you so much for all your comments. I really appreciate them. It was a bit of a struggle to get Neville back down to the Great Hall (I needed him there after everyone else was gone). I do like the random remembering of his coat -- everyone does that, but I think Neville would do it more often than most people. I got such a clear image in my mind from the song that it was almost like painting a word-picture. The story was based on the "plot" of the song, but more so, it was based on the feeling of it. It's the first atmosphere-based piece that I've written, and that's where all the description came from. After all, the plot is very simple. Again, thanks a ton for taking the time to leave such a thoughtful review! Reviews like this make my day.

Name: Guchi_kouhai (Signed) · Date: 07/28/07 3:26 · For: So She Dances
First off, I must say, this is so sweet and so good! I think Neville is an amazing character and you’ve portrayed him so accurately. Because it would be bad for to copy your entire fic here, I’ll try and narrow down the great lines so this review isn’t too long...

~You’re very good at descriptive writing. Her graceful steps seemed to echo with unhappiness. I can close my eyes and just see that right there. I love it.

~You’ve characterized Ginny very well with this line: Neville noticed that she never made fun of anyone who couldn’t handle her teasing.

And you’ve characterized Neville just as well with this line: Neville could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He wanted so badly to stride out, to take her in his arms, to lead her in the dances she performed solo. I feel this so IC. It reminds me so much of little Neville standing up to the trio in PS...

~I love this, it is just so Neville, to be there for her for however long she needed him to be. After a few minutes, Neville heard her give a little choking sound. He did the only thing he could think of and pulled her into his arms to let her cry on his shoulder. She was a wonderful girl, and he would be there for her, though he would never ask her out. He held her for a long time.

~I love the way you closed this. It’s so sad and sweet and wonderful. The moon was not visible from his window, but he left the curtains open anyway, so he could look out at the unreachable stars.

I only have on thing to point out, and I think it’s a formatting mistake more than anything. The paragraph that ends “despite his gran’s classical training.”? After it you have two spaces, where throughout the rest of the fic you only have one separating the paragraphs.

All in all, this was amazing! *hugs* I think you’ve done so well with Neville and Ginny. This a superb one-shot.


Author's Response: *facepalm* Two spaces? Oops. I'll have to check, but I'm pretty sure that's a mistake. Thanks for pointing it out. Silly formatting errors. Hee hee! It makes me smile that you wanted to copy/paste the whole thing. I've wanted to do that before, so I really enjoy that particular compliment. Every guy wants to be a hero and Neville is absolutely no exception. Ginny is his princess-in-distress, and it was very enjoyable to let him rescue her. As you pointed out, he knows that he probably won't ever date her, but he still wants to help her. That's just the kind of guy he is. I'm glad you picked up that line about Ginny. I was thinking of reasons for Neville to like her and suddenly thought of how she stands up for people. That's very much the sort of thing that Neville would notice. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments! *hugs back* I really appreciate them.

Name: chlorophyll (Signed) · Date: 07/27/07 5:14 · For: So She Dances
I love how you have characterized Neville in this. There is no doubt that he is the very same Neville that we see in the books, but you have shown a new side to him that is rarely explored. Neville is a really thoughtful person, we can see this from the little pieces JKR puts in the books about him asking Ginny to the ball, and also how he befriends Luna, doesn’t want Harry, Ron and Hermione to lose anymore points for Gryffindor by blocking the portrait hole. These are just a few of the little places where JKR shows this side to Neville, and it is these places where I just fall in love with his character. When I read this story, I was so happy that someone made a whole story exploring the caring, thoughtful Neville, without losing the other aspects of his character completely.

The expected blast of chatter hit him as he entered. The couches and chairs were full of girls, taking off their ridiculously high shoes and complaining about their blisters. The tables and floors were covered in boys, their ties loosened or draped carelessly over the furniture. It seemed to Neville that the number of furtive glances crossing between the boys and the girls was even higher than usual.

I love this description of the common room, you can hear the distant chatter ringing in your ears as Neville walks through. It is just what would happen after a ball, boys taking of their ties, girls complaining of blisters. The way it is written in the sort of way that Nevillewould view this sort of scene is perfect. Neville would never be one of the boys lounging on the floor, he is the boy outside, looking in. I think this is kind of what he feels like in the books also, He never seems to have a real best friend, like Harry an Ron, So I think that he sometimes feel like just an outsider to the groups of friends that have formed in Gryffindor.

Neville could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He wanted so badly to stride out, to take her in his arms, to lead her in the dances she performed solo. It was only a desire, though; he was sure that she would never forgive him for spying on her.

Finally, she sank to the floor, resting in the shrinking patch of moonlight. Neville found his large, clumsy feet carrying him to the place where the young girl sat, head on her arms, tired and lonely.

I love the characterization of Neville here. I love how you have portrayed him as nervous and scared of what Ginny will think of him. I think this is spot on Neville. He is always in fear of what someone else will think of him,of whether he I doing the right thing. Normally it is his gran, but I love how you have brought the same nervousness and worry of peoples reactions to his actions, to Ginny.

In desperation, Neville blurted, “I’m sorry I asked you to the Ball.”

Ginny did look at him this time, puzzled and a little hurt. Flushing, he stumbled to correct his mistake. “I mean — I’m sorry I asked before Harry did.”

Again, perfect Neville. Every little thing that he miswords, feels like something hugely wrong to him. I can see him getting really flustered here, once he notices that Ginny is hurt by it. His quick cover up is very characteristic of Neville.

There was no answer to that. Only one thing came to Neville, and he blurted it out before he could take it back as a bad idea.

Like the previous quote, Neville is so afraid of what he says to Ginny, being taken in the wrong way, of Ginny thinking he is stupid. As soon as he says it, he wants to take it back, afraid Ginny will say no. It is this nervousness tells us a lot about how Neville feels for Ginny. He says she is his favourite Weasley, but never says that he likes her in a relationship sort of way. It is purely the way he acts around her that we have to go by, and it is all we need. This way, Neville never admits he likes her, I think, in this story, he likes her a lot, but doesn’t really know it himself.

Lasly, I loved your ending. I love how Neville comfort Ginny, and how he will always be there for her, but not ask her out. Here we see how he wants to be there, he likes er, but is to afrad to admit ti, even to himself, as he knows he will just be disappointed. The very last bit, about the unreachable stars, sums up the whole story perfectly, it was heart wrenchingly, sweet! I almost cried.

-- Clara

Author's Response: I am very happy that you enjoyed this story, and even happier that you left a lovely long review! :) You picked out several of the parts that I love the best. The first part, for instance -- I'm fairly sure that Neville doesn't like typical teen party situations. The whole Yule Ball idea had to be nerve-wracking. I also think that boy/girl drama rather frightens the poor lad, hence the common room bit. He's such a sweet kid, really. I had not thought too much about Neville until I started writing him, at which point all sorts of interesting things began to appear. I really enjoyed writing this. And I really enjoyed your review! Thanks again for taking the time to be so thoughtful for me!

Name: BeautifulDreamer07 (Signed) · Date: 07/25/07 16:29 · For: So She Dances
I really liked this story! I had not often thought of the fact that Neville took Ginny to the Yule Ball and I had never considered the fact that she would have rather been with Harry. (What kind of H/G shipper am I?! *berates self*)

I think you prtrayed Neville really well: stumbling over his words, so unsure of himself. This is Neville in a nutshell. You didn't just potray him as we typically see him though. You showed a new side of Neville that is rarely explored.

This part

After a few minutes, Neville heard her give a little choking sound. He did the only thing he could think of and pulled her into his arms to let her cry on his shoulder. She was a wonderful girl, and he would be there for her, though he would never ask her out. He held her for a long time.

Really gives me a new perspective on Neville. This shows him not as the bumbling, clumsy, idiot, but as a kind, sweet, caring boy who values his friends. I have read very few fics that show Neville in the light he deserves to be in. He is so much more than worthless. Thank you for showing us the Neville within!

Overall, I really enjoyed this story and I hope you continue to write more wonderful stories!


Author's Response: Thank you for your review! Reviews make the world go 'round. I didn't see much of this Neville either, until I started writing him. I really got to explore who he is. Just from the books, we've seen a lot of loyalty, intelligence (maybe not in Potions, but that doesn't mean he's stupid), sensitivity, courage, and caring. This was an interesting story in that -- since it was a songfic -- I knew what would happen, but not the details. I felt a bit like I had walked Neville down to the Great Hall and let him go. All those abovementioned qualities just sort of came pouring out. Again, thanks so much for reviewing! *self-promotion alert* If you really liked this Neville, I suggest checking out a few of my other fics. I have several Neville-based ones now; I really like how they all turned out.

Name: jojo_dolphin2394 (Signed) · Date: 07/25/07 5:18 · For: So She Dances
I'd just like to say that I really liked this story; it had such a heart-warming plot and the description was lovely.

It seemed to Neville that the number of furtive glances crossing between the boys and the girls was even higher than usual.

I really liked this point because it created atmosphere; boys and girls really would send more furtive glances to one another after a ball. This point made me feel as though I was in the room with them (boys and girls that is).

...who could dance, what to wear —

His coat was still in the Great Hall.

I thought this statement was a little confusing. Neville wasn't in speech and it wasn't clear to me that the statement beforehand was his thoughts; it seemed to be just general description/explanation, so I his coat was a little foggy.

Perhaps: He waded through the common room, trudged up to his room, and sat on his bed with a sigh of relief. The Ball was over. No more endless discussions about who to ask, he thought, or what girls were better-looking, which ones might say yes, who could dance, what to wear —

His coat was still in the Great Hall.

I think that this way, you know straight away whose coat has been left in the Great Hall.

irl stood silhouetted before one of the high windows, her dress robes floating around her.

I thought that this description was amazing. The words silhouetted and floating really make Ginny seem to be some sort of "Angel" or "Princess". It's a clever technique of making Ginny appear to be more beautiful than she is, though she is very beautiful, because the reader assumes that she is angelically beautiful when she might not be.

was only a desire, though; he was sure that she would never forgive him for spying on her.

I thought this was typically Neville; he was nervous and he jumped to conclusions. He isn't optimistic in this scene because instead of thinking that she would thank him for dancing with her, he thinks she will never forgive him for spying on her. I thought he was very in character.

desperation, Neville blurted, “I’m sorry I asked you to the Ball.”

Ginny did look at him this time, puzzled and a little hurt. Flushing, he stumbled to correct his mistake. “I mean — I’m sorry I asked before Harry did.”

Ginny turned bright red. “No — he — I — he wasn’t really going to ask. He might have, but it wasn’t because he wanted to go with me, it was because he didn’t have a date.”

I thought that both Neville and Ginny were in character in this scene; Neville was apologising for something that he didn't need to apologise for and Ginny was spilling out her emotions to him, meaning that she trusted him. I thought that this was an important scene for Neville/Ginny story because you can sense the tension in-between them.

Only one thing came to Neville, and he blurted it out before he could take it back as a bad idea.

“Do you want to dance?”

Ginny looked at him for a long moment. His eyes pleaded for her approval, for the chance to help her.

Neville looked at her sad brown eyes, the tearstains on her young face. The tiny smile that wavered bravely.


I thought that this scene showed a brave Neville that only comes out occasionally. He must really like Ginny to be brave enough to ask her this when we usually only see this side of him when he's fighting Death Eaters or the Dark Arts. In my eyes, Neville feels that Ginny is the only important thing to him at this time and he wants to cheer her up because he can't bear to see her unhappy.

One tiny suggestion, that isn’t very important so don’t worry. You use blurted twice so maybe you could change one of them to divulged or uttered.

One other tiny thing on that quote. I think that grammatically, this sentence works better.

Neville looked at her sad brown eyes, the tearstains on her young face, the tiny smile that wavered bravely.

If you start a new sentence, the smile is separated from the rest of the statement. This is minor so I wouldn't worry about it.

After a few minutes, Neville heard her give a little choking sound. He did the only thing he could think of and pulled her into his arms to let her cry on his shoulder. She was a wonderful girl, and he would be there for her, though he would never ask her out. He held her for a long time.

I thought that this tied into the rest of the story. Neville was the sweet boy everyone thought he was and Ginny just melted into his arms. This just makes it seem as if they are perfect for each other. I liked the way that Neville simply accepted that he couldn't be her boyfriend but he could be her friend. He could hold her when she was upset and if she did get together with Harry, he could be there to give her his utmost support.

The moon was not visible from his window, but he left the curtains open anyway, so he could look out at the unreachable stars.

Although it had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of story, I thought that this was the perfect ending.

As for the song, I thought it tied in with the story perfectly.

In conclusion, I thought that was a very well written, heart-felt story. It certainly makes you think about whether Neville and Ginny are a match :D . Both Neville and Ginny are in character and it is amazing atmospherically. I loved it. So Starmaiden, keep up the good work!

~ JoJo... :)

Author's Response: Oh, wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this! I will definitely look into changing some of those grammatical things. Some of them were deliberate, for the sake of style, but it's a fine line between stylistic and just plain ungrammatical. Hee. You caught the fact that the line about the "unreachable stars" doesn't have anything to do with anything else. I had to go back and put the part about the moon in to make it work (since the moon featured a bit in the Great Hall), but it worked nicely. I really got to like Neville after writing so much about him. He is loyal, intelligent in some areas, and very caring. He's also a Gryffindor, so I really looked to find his courage. It's a much quieter kind of bravery -- like standing up to your friends who are sneaking out in the middle of the night. He has the courage to do what is right. You're very right about him supporting Ginny, even if she does date Harry. Neville would be there to see her through.

Name: LilykinsLove (Signed) · Date: 07/24/07 16:15 · For: So She Dances
Well, first off, I'd like to say that this was simply lovely. It was sweet and endearing, and made my heart reach out for both of them.

"After a few minutes, Neville heard her give a little choking sound. He did the only thing he could think of and pulled her into his arms to let her cry on his shoulder. She was a wonderful girl, and he would be there for her, though he would never ask her out. He held her for a long time."

This bit was very sweet- although I think that Neville would have felt a bit awkward, and would have struggled while deciding what to do.

"making one of those mysterious twists with her hands"

This part made me smile- I love how you show Neville as a true boy- befuddled by the magic of wemon. :)

And the last line, the bit about the unreachable stars? It's wonderfull. It's showing, once again, the true Neville, who, even after spending that glorious time with Ginny, is still feeling scared and lost in his world.

"It was only a desire, though; he was sure that she would never forgive him for spying on her. "

Neville says that there, though a paragraph later he walks in and she neither accuses him of spying nor gets mad or flustered in any way. So while I think that line was a bit contradictory to the rest of it, I'm not sure that's alot to worry about

You've written this beautifully- it made me cry! Great work, really. This is most definatly a missing scene from one of the books- one I believe shouldn't be missing.

Author's Response: Aw, thanks! You pointed out several of the things that I like the most about this piece. I had to walk a pretty fine line between Neville being awkward and being there for Ginny. When she starts to cry, I picture him both wanting to hold her and being totally lost for other ideas -- so he does hold her. I do like that bit about Ginny putting her hair up. I don't think Neville's the type to have a clue about how girl details (like hair) work. The part about Neville being sure Ginny will be angry is confusing, but that's because he's expecting one thing and something else happens. I should probably clarify that, though. I don't know if I think that Neville is scared or lost after being with Ginny; I think it's more that he just knows he won't ever have her. It's definitely about being alone, though. Thank you so much for your comments! I am very glad that you liked it so much.

Name: FeatherTrader (Signed) · Date: 07/23/07 21:37 · For: So She Dances
This was very touching. I’m rather fond of the characterisation you brought Neville through. Neville tends to be one of those characters that people overlook when writing point-of-views, but occasionally you find a brilliant writer who simply captures his essence. Wonderful job.

He saw Filch, but luckily, the man was busy peering behind statues for miscreant students.

This is, hands down, my favourite sentence in the entire one-shot. The imagery behind it makes me laugh every time. To think of Filch and his cat, patrolling the corridors so desperate to find students out of bed that they check behind statues is a funny enough picture in itself. However, to think of Neville sneaking by in the process...

She set something down by the wall, fiddling until soft music began to play — a small radio.

To me, this is a bit of an ‘odd’ sentence. I think, however, it could be reasoned away with a bit more detail. As it stands, though, I feel like it’s uncanon. We know that Muggles items don’t work in Hogwarts, so is this radio magical? I was always under the impression that the radio Molly had that played Celestina Warbeck was a Muggle one. Of course, you do have wiggle room here.

Neville thought of her, dancing at the Ball.

When I first read this sentence, I thought it needed a comma there. It’s almost as if you needed a breathe. However, I think the meaning you are trying to achieve here is one that doesn’t require the comma.

It was only a desire, though; he was sure that she would never forgive him for spying on her.

But only a few paragraphs down he makes his presence known, and Ginny doesn’t seem too upset by him spying. It seems a bit contradictory here.

I’m not sure what to think of the lyrics, though. They fit with the story beautifully, but I felt you needed to make them your own in some way. They just seemed rather out of place at the end.

Overall, I really liked the unique aspect of this one-shot. It really made my heart go out to Neville. Keep up the fantastic writing!

Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for leaving such a nice review! Let's see if I can respond to everything you said. I'm so glad you liked the bit about Filch. I felt he needed to be there, but I had the hardest time making the sentence work. I'm very happy that it did. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure myself about the radio. I needed music, and I figured that if there were Wizarding radio stations, there probably were Wizarding radios. The part about Neville watching Ginny is a little contradictory, but that's because what Neville is expecting (for Ginny to reject him) isn't what happens. As for the lyrics...someone told me that if there are lyrics at the beginning of the story, she usually skips them. I didn't want to break them up because I felt that that would space the story too much. I wanted the lyrics to sort of add to the atmosphere after the body of the story itself. Again, thanks so much for taking the time to write all of this! I most definitely will continue to write.

Name: Soccer_rocks_likeHP (Signed) · Date: 07/20/07 0:37 · For: So She Dances
Wow, this was written fantastically! One thing I'd like to suggest is that you add a little more description. Like in the section that goes:

Her hair, he remembered, had been piled into a mass of curls on top of her head. It was still curly, but now fell loose down her shoulders.

You could have put something like:

Her hair, he remembered, had been piled into a mass of elegant curls on top of her head. Now, loose red curls cascaded down her shoulders.

By doing this you can give the reader a better picture in their mind as they read. Don't worry too much about that, though. You've done an amazing job already! The plot was very good and I liked the way you had the words to the song at the end! It tied in with the story brilliantly! Great work, keep it up!


Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! I thought, actually, about adding more description, but in the end I decided against it for a couple of reasons. One was that Neville is a guy, and I'm not sure how well guys observe things like elegant, cascading curls, although it is a lovely picture. The other reason is that I felt that too much detail would destroy the atmosphere, and it's the atmosphere that makes this piece work. Again, thanks so much for your comments! I really appreciate it.

Name: Great Beirniny (Signed) · Date: 07/18/07 13:37 · For: So She Dances
You're story is really great. My favorite part is:

After a few minutes, Neville heard her give a little choking sound. He did the only thing he could think of and pulled her into his arms to let her cry on his shoulder. She was a wonderful girl, and he would be there for her, though he would never ask her out. He held her for a long time.

I think that it's really sweet. Especially that Neville is there for her and obviously likes her, but knows that he will never be able to date her. This shows that Neville wants her to be happy even though he might not be included in her happiness.

I don't have any suggestions. It was that good.
It makes me want to go buy the song.

Author's Response: Aw, thank you! I got to explore a lot of Neville recently, and I really like what I found. I love that song -- you should definitely check it out.

Name: expecto_patronum_this (Signed) · Date: 04/22/07 17:56 · For: So She Dances

Oh, my, I hate to admit it, but a few tears escaped my eyes when I was reading this one. It wasn’t something heart wrenching, but it was relatable – I suppose that about did it.

To begin: I love Neville, and I love how you portray Neville. You capture his caring heart perfectly, and it makes me sigh with happiness. He would have known it was Ginny even if he had not spent most of the night looking at her. I especially loved that line, because it really just underlines his heart. I’ve always believed that Neville may have felt a little bit of something for Ginny. You may not have meant to, but I found that you lightly brushed that fact without hitting us over the head with it, which I liked. Subtlety goes a long way. :D

One of my other favourite things is just the nice description you have of Ginny as she dances. As I mentioned, I found this sadly relatable. Once, she raised her arms to the height of a fourteen-year-old boy’s shoulders, but dropped them a moment later. And … cue the brimming tears. The fact that you remembered (or perhaps just thought of) this type of occurrence killed me. Yes, I will admit it - I have done this before. And, yes, I believe that other girls have done it as well. The fact that you tapped into that really made this piece hit home. Sometimes, moments like that can be the saddest ones of all.

And then …

“I’m sorry I asked you to the Ball.” Ugh. More tears. Of course Neville would apologize for something so simple and adorably un-intentional, as far as creating a rift between Ginny and Harry goes. You’ve done a really great job in reminding me why I love Mr Longbottom so darn much. Pounds of kudos to you.

As for con crit, I unfortunately don’t have much to offer. While I would have loved to have seen some more insight into Neville’s thoughts when he danced with Ginny, what you gave me to drink in was still plenty. However, just out of curiosity, how did the prompt of ‘seven’ leave you with this? Is there something more behind it that I just didn’t catch onto?

Overall, I really enjoyed this. I would love to see you write something else with Neville in it, if you ever felt so inclined. (I’m also a little bit tempted to check out this song …) Great job, darling! And good luck with the rest of SPEW 007!

Author's Response: I made someone cry! My life is complete! Seriously, that makes me so happy. This story was, as you have noticed, not really written for my 007 prompt (I stuck a line in about "seven Weasleys" later). I'd been wanting to fill in around the song and the dreamy atmosphere of the song for a while. I'm really enjoying writing Neville. He's quite deep, or at least, there's potential for implied depth. I've thought that Neville's probably been wishing he had a girlfriend, and since he'd asked Ginny to the Ball originally.... It was interesting, working through Neville to portray what both of them were feeling through action. I didn't want too much thought; I was sort of visualizing this as I went and just watching it. That's why there's so little spoken word. Since Neville is my character for SPEW 007, you may be assured that I will be back with more of him! Keep a watch out! Oh, and definitely check out "So She Dances." Actually, check out all of Josh Groban's stuff. He's got one of the world's most romantic voices, sings some of the world's most romantic songs. My favorite is "When You Say You Love Me." Again, thank you so much for taking the time to look and appreciate!

Name: Ennalee (Signed) · Date: 02/25/07 23:22 · For: So She Dances
I really, really like what you’ve done with the tone of this story – the dreamy, floaty quality it has, almost like it might not have really happened. That’s a really hard tone to capture, and I’m still going back and analyzing and trying to figure out how exactly you did it.

Once, she raised her arms to the height of a fourteen-year-old boy’s shoulders, but dropped them a moment later. You caught something in this phrase that was just…guh. Without trying to describe complex emotions, you managed to convey them perfectly, without all the awkwardness of wordy description. Textbook example of showing rather than telling!

Neville thought of her, dancing at the Ball. She had smiled through the Ball, but she must have been faking it. The “faking it,” especially after the grace of the preceeding paragraph, feels rather clunky here – what about “pretending” instead? Likewise with the following sentence: Now, he watched her dance alone until the moon had risen to a less favourable angle. Some of your narrative, especially as you describe Ginny, is so floating and ethereal that the occasionally clunky line sticks out like a sore thumb. The “less favourable angle” stuck out for me, breaking up the flow; it just felt rigid and technical, compared to the floatiness coming before it.

She stared longingly out of it, but resumed her lonely waltz for the next song, back and forth, from the window to the shadows, from dark gloom to pale light. Another lovely sentence; I love the imagery of the light! It does seem a bit comma heavy, though – perhaps the one after ‘song’ could be changed to a semi-colon or a dash, or the one after ‘forth’ could be removed entirely. Actually, my only broad suggestion for the story is that you pay attention to the commas and try and limit their use. Watch especially for the overuse of the sentence structure of short phrases linked by commas ( Clearly, there was nothing that Neville could say, except for one thing, which might be entirely wrong, but was the only thing he could think of and Neville looked at her, at her sad brown eyes, at the tearstains on her young face and She was a wonderful girl, and the time would probably never be right to ask her out, but he could be there for her.). I find myself using and using and overusing these; they’re perfectly legitimate structures when used in moderation, but in combination tend to give a short, choppy feeling to your narrative. I sympathize, though – commas really are lovely things.

The ending…the imagery of the unreachable stars…lovely and poignant. He may have gotten the dance with Ginny, but she is still unreachable – something he can only look at and admire, but not really get close to. Really, really lovely story here – I think it’s my favorite thing of yours that I’ve read. Congratulations!

Author's Response: Wow!! Thank you so much! Hm, I've got a really good atmosphere with short ugly lines sprinkled in...I will definitely be editing this in the near future.

I impressed someone by creating an atmosphere that they can't decode! Awkward phrasing there, but I'm delighted -- I see that in other stories and so it really makes me happy to see that about mine.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to look at this so thoroughly!

Name: Cinderella Angelina (Signed) · Date: 02/25/07 18:35 · For: So She Dances
You did a beautiful job with this story. I’ve always liked Neville and you really got into his head. The beginning is just how I’d have imagined Neville felt at the end of the Ball. What I like about your Neville is how observant he is – he notes the furtive glances across the common room, where the moonlight falls as he walks through the halls, and the height to which Ginny’s hands rise when she dances with her imaginary partner. My roommate likes to tease me that the quiet waters run deep, and that’s how your Neville is. I really like that.

Your relation of the word seven to the story is fragile, but I can’t make fun of it because mine was the same. And this is a touching story nonetheless.

I love the last line.

I do have a few criticisms to make. The first one is my observation – I always skip the songs at the beginning of stories. I skipped yours. After I’d read it I decided to read it and see where your inspiration came from, but if I hadn’t liked it I wouldn’t have bothered. I might suggest putting it at the end so people are more likely to read it. But I sort of like the end the way it ends, too. I guess you can just leave it the way you have it.

This sentence: His eyes in his round face pleaded for her approval, her yes, said, Let me help. mostly makes sense, but isn’t grammatically correct. I ... am not sure how you would fix it. But I would like it better if it were tweaked a little bit.

And then I just have to be difficult and mention that Neville’s not allowed in Ginny’s room. Perhaps he escorted her to the girl’s dormitory instead?

The Ginny/Neville you’ve written here is heartwrenching. Neville likes her so much but knows her heart lies elsewhere so has to be her friend instead...and that’s all he’ll be, ever, we know that. But ... I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. It makes me sad, but I still have read this story a few times because I like it. This is a nice piece of work. *loves*

Author's Response: SQUEEE!!! I mean, thank you! I wasn't expecting another lovely review. Um. *clears throat* I'm not sure if it's IC for Neville to be as observant as I made him, but then, it's not OOC. Yes, the "seven" connection was barely there...but I wanted to write this story, and then I picked a word and stuck it in. And I'll think about moving the song -- I'd not really thought too much about it, just kind of stuck it there. So moving it wouldn't be a big deal.

Thanks so much for liking my Neville -- you know how much I like happy endings, but I couldn't bring myself to go AU, so it had to be sad. But I'm proud of it, too. I think it's the dreamy kind of atmosphere, the unreality of it all. I wanted it to be that way, and I'm quite proud that I managed to do it.

And thank you so much for your thoughtful comments. I'm glad you pick over it so thoroughly, criticism and all! It's really great to know someone cared enough to put that muc work into it.

Name: hpfreak101 (Signed) · Date: 02/21/07 15:28 · For: So She Dances
This was a very touching fic, and you conveyed Neville's feelings in a very heartfelt manner. Great job.

Author's Response: Thank you! I learned -- or maybe I taught myself -- a lot about Neville and Ginny both in the process of writing this.

Name: allthatjazzwitch (Signed) · Date: 02/21/07 10:56 · For: So She Dances
Neville is so adorable in this. the ending was sad but sweet. Well done!

Author's Response: Thanks! I really tried to understand Neville a little better through this. Thank you!

Name: Valentinia (Signed) · Date: 02/10/07 18:35 · For: So She Dances
Awww. Such a bittersweet ficlet! Personally, I love Neville/Ginny and you did a great job portraying it! Neville's uncertainty but his ability to be such a help to her anyway was great, even though inside he must have been hurting, too. I hope things end well for them! :D Great one-shot!

Author's Response: Thank you! Hee hee. Yes, because Ginny said that she met Michael Corner at the Ball but didn't date him until the end of the year, I gave her some interim sadness. And I wanted Neville to have a bit more personality than the usual stuttering kid he tends to be viewed as. And that's one of the purest forms of love, to be able to help someone else when your own hurt is very close.

You must login (register) to review.