MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
(Signed) · Date:
03/04/07 12:25 · For:
What a fascinating start! Many years ago she had had a great love. It opens up all sorts of possibilities, and this is only the start! This whole starting section, actually, I like a lot. Quick, easy background, not cluttered, that still manages to cover what we need to know about the adult Ginny.
She was quite famous for creating the most effective antidote, which was effective against 53 known poisons, in her spare time
I would say that this feels a bit awkward, probably because “effective” is there twice. May I suggest rearranging it a bit, like this:
“She was quite famous for creating an antidote, effective against fifty-three know poisons, in her spare time…”
And…then there’s Draco. A mess. Yet in some ways, Ginny’s not much better – she’s settling for less and knows it, which always bad, even though her reasons are about as good as any you’d ever find. Draco’s just more obviously messed up.
It had been a hectic day. Harry had been working on a write-up after work for an entrant into the Auror training program. Ginny had been busy too, even though it was her day off. She had spent all day in an interview and photo shoot for Witch Weekly for an article on being ‘Young, Successful, and Gorgeous.’
I like this part. It really works for the atmosphere of the story – again, in just a couple of sentences, you’ve given us Harry’s life since the war, as an important person in the Auror department, and exactly how successful Ginny is. It’s really a very clever bit of background snuck as plot (it’s made them tired) – wonderful!
Hm. I feel that Draco’s story is a little more stilted than Ginny’s. The explanation here of their summer fling is nicely concise, but it’s just placed a little awkwardly in the story. Draco’s not even inside the bar yet and he’s already gone off into melancholy memories. Of course, that could well be just a part of how far Draco’s fallen.
Ginny’s engagement is just not going well, is it?
Harry’s constant attention was driving her crazy.
And then this:
She couldn’t stop herself from remembering celebrating her first engagement, with only her fiancé and herself on the beach, not knowing that the end of summer would end all hope of true happiness in their lives.
Great contrast between the engagements. Poor Ginny – she’ll be miserable if she goes through with it, and so by extension will Harry and everyone else be miserable.
He was glad the bar was separated from the restaurant by the dance floor. Too often, couples came her to celebrate and Draco found them very depressing.
Are the couples celebrating with Ginny (“her”)? That makes it sound like Draco already knows she’s there.
Woah. It ended. That was abrupt to say the least! I wish it wasn’t, but that’s more a writer’s decision than anything else, I think. Of course, they’d end up in the same bar!
Overall, Draco’s story is not as well told as Ginny’s, but Ginny’s is fantastic. You have a great way of sticking in random background information in natural settings, and the emotion is all very believable. I wish there was a little more background info (say, on the fight), but again, that’s your choice. If you ever add an end to this, I’ll be there to read it!
(Signed) · Date:
02/22/07 2:16 · For:
Thank you for sharing this lovely story! I enjoyed reading it, and the meeting at the end said more than them actually coming together would have, if that makes any sense. Though I would love to see what happens next. I gave you a couple of suggestions, in case you'd like to hear them.
I like stories that begin with a general statement, and you've done that wonderfully! You only need a comma in there, though, instead of a semicolon.
It's interesting the way you throw the reader right into the middle of the story in the first couple of paragraphs of Ginny's story. I like it! Also, the detail with which you discussed Ginny's successes as a Healer is well-done. The last sentence is curious, too! You capture attention with 'Ever since'.
The PoV switch, though it comes very soon in the story, seems fine when you're introducing your plot. 'Downhill' is one word, though.
Poor Draco seems completely troubled and disturbed by his loss, and I almost wish there was more to tell us about what actually happened that summer! Maybe it will be later, but my interest is caught, too.
“I’m coming, just hold on,” Harry retorted. How is Harry saying this? Is he placating, or frustrated, or annoyed? He seemed impatient to me, but I couldn't get a sense of his mood.
I like the way you set the scene for their dinner. It doesn't give too much information but allows just enough for interest.
She spun her ring impatiently around her finger, it feel like it belonged. This sentence would probably work better if you wrote "She spun her ring impatiently around her finger, but it didn't feel like it belonged." or "trying to make it feel like it belonged" or something like that.
Draco's confession, while it explains quite a lot, is given rather suddenly. Why did he tell all of this to the host? It may make more sense if he gives the surface details, like the location and purpose, to the host, and thinks the rest to himself. Does that make sense? Oh, and Firewhisky has only one 'e'. That's a good idea, though.
Oh, and the ending is simply unfair! I think you should write a sequel. I want to write a sequel. I enjoyed it, really! You do need a period after the last sentence, but I..just.. I can't believe she just fainted! How terribly inconvenient.
(Signed) · Date:
01/25/07 11:34 · For:
I want more please.