MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Fantasium (Signed) · Date: 01/29/07 10:14 · For: Chapter 1
Hi Barnabus_the_Barmy7!

It’s a nice little one-shot you have here, and I thought I would leave a review. I like your basic idea for the story, to tell it in four parts, from the point of view of four women we already know. Each quarter of the story is important, and I think you have done a good job of keeping the characters true to JKR’s work. However, if you were ever to revise this story, I think you could win a lot by trying to add a bit to each piece. There isn’t anything technically wrong with your writing, but some of your sentences are a little short and it gives the story a rushed feeling. I would advice you to try and slow it down a bit – let us know a bit more about what the characters think, how they feel, what their facial expression look like, if they are making gestures and what the atmosphere is like. Try to vary your words as much as possible and watch out for repetitions. One of my favourite things about writing is to sit and ponder on different words, to find ones that sound nice together, or just appealing in general. Every story you write should be worthy of the most wonderful words you know.

I see that you have decided to start each piece of the story with the name of the person it focuses on. I actually think that you can remove this, because it is still quite obvious who is the man character of each part, and adding the name before the text then is, I think, to be a bit too obvious. It doesn’t hurt to let your readers guess a little, in fact, it can actually help to get someone’s attention. ;)

Watch out for typos and misspellings. For example, you have written “Delacor” as Fleur’s surname, where it ought to be “Delacour”. In Hermione’s part of the story, you have written “alter” instead of “altar”. Have you considered getting a beta reader for your stories? Even though your writing is good, a beta can give you a lot of help by proofreading your work. Check the MNFF forums, and especially keep your eyes open for a PI (Perfect Imagination) accredited one.

My favourite part of your story is the surprise at the end. Because you started out by writing three weddings, I thought for sure that the last part would be a wedding between Harry and Ginny. But it wasn’t! And I thought that was so good of you, to change the direction there. A lot of authors might have fallen for the temptation to make this a story with a completely happy ending, but by having Ginny visit the graveyard instead of attending her own wedding, you give the story a much more solemn and thoughtful feel, and the hopeful mood you try to create at the end works much better than if the rest of the story had been altogether happy.

Thank you for a pleasant read, and do keep writing!

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing Fantasium, your critisicms were welcome and your praise even more so ;-D! Although I see where you are coming from when you talk about the short sentences, I did alot of that on purpose to give the fic a simplistic quality that I thought suited it. However if I was to revise this story I would certainly take into account what you have said. I apologize for any spelling errors I make, but when I write I have a tendancy to spell phonetically because I am wrapped up in my own little world! sorry about that. I am glad you liked my twist at the end of the fic, and that you thought the piece of writing as a whole was enjoyable. Thanks again~ ash

Name: mate (Signed) · Date: 01/29/07 4:52 · For: Chapter 1
A nice story. I loved it

Author's Response: Thanks, glad you liked it~ash

Name: blue eyed dragon (Signed) · Date: 01/26/07 22:04 · For: Chapter 1
I really liked the ending. I hope that didn't sound really mean to everyone that died, but it was a shock. The other three were about weddings, then the last one was completely different. I read the name Ginny and though 'yay, she's getting married to Harry now. Huzzah!' but it was completely different. Awesomely written as well, that's always a bonus.

Author's Response: Thank-you! I was really worried that people wouldn't like it because everyone died! Thanks for saying it was well written too, thats really nice. This is my first review, so I' really glad it's good! Thanks again~ash

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