Omg! This is so pretty and i am amzed at its length! i could never write a poem that long, for me poems just come to me and i sometimes write them down but i cant sit down and actually write a poem like based on something so Great Job!!!!! i love it so much.
Absolutely brilliant, I love it! The rhythm and everything flows so perfectly it seems effortless...though I'm sure it wasn't :P Fantastic work, really deserves its award, well done!
Very nice.... I'm a bit of apoet myself... and let me say, you are very good at this... keep up teh writing.
Really wonderful poem, really captures how padfoot felt.
Love the last line, very beautiful yet sad.
Congrats on the Award!!
Great poem, especially the last line--I loved it! Interestingly enough, I also did a Sirius in Azkaban poem, a sonnet, that was coincidentally nominated for the Quicksilver Quill Awards (but it didn't get to be runner-up or winner like yours did). The thought of what Sirius must have went through in Azkaban is enough to make me cry.
Oh, this is wonderful! I don’t read much poetry, and it seems like even when I do read poetry, I always go for something less conventional in style. But I’m really glad I read this, because it proved that I can like ‘normal’ writing as well. -shifty eyes-
The diction here is lovely. Everything is so nicely matched and chosen and it all flows very well together. It works so well as a ballad. I want to make it into a song so that I can hear drunken men sing it all the time. But aside from that silly notion on my part, I thought that you really did a great job of capturing Sirius in Azkaban, as well as his need to get out and make things better. I mean, it’s a story in poetry form. /stating the obvious
At last, he burst outside the walls
That stole so many years.
The salty breezes filled his lungs
And stung his eyes with tears.
That was one of my favorite parts. Not sure why. I just really loved the image I got in my head. And I was so happy that we had gotten to when he breaks out, because it’s so important.
With every stroke and every breath
He heard a dead man’s voice,
We trust you, Padfoot. Yes, you’re right,
He is the better choice.
Oh man. That’s lovely and haunting and wonderful. It’s placed so perfectly, and the idea of James being a ‘dead man’ is incredibly powerful here. I’ve never heard him described like that before. It sounds so far off and final, almost.
I failed you, James, but this I vow,
I will not fail your son.
Definitely my favorite line of the whole thing. It’s such an amazing way to end it. And it just sums up Sirius’s whole reason for living now. It pulls at my heartstrings, though, to think that he failed James. I don’t want to think about it. But you did a lovely job with this. I’m impressed and very happy I clicked on this.
Wow, BC! Just ... wow. SPEW buddy of mine, this ballad is extremely powerful and good. In fact, it's so good that I was reciting it aloud.
I'm afraid this SPEW review of mine will not be long, because I hardly read or review poetry. I'd better start talking about the poem now ...
First, the style. It's so convincing that I almost thought the words were flowing from JKR's pen. In fact, if Sirius would have been proven innocent in canon, I think this ballad would have been widely recited in the wizarding world. It's not hard to see why this poem is so popular.
An icy wind howled mournfully
Across the barren sea,
‘Til from the fog, a fort emerged,
Entrenched in misery.
Great opening paragraph. I like the way you can put descriptions into well-crafted verse - this is something that I've never seen before in fanfiction poetry, even on MNFF. Entrenched in misery ... is a dead-on description for Azkaban and its dreaded Dementors.
We trust you, Padfoot. Yes, you’re right,
He is the better choice.
I can totally imagine James and Lily saying this. Ironically, as we know, Sirius himself would have been the better choice (to put it into your own words).
I failed you, James, but this I vow,
I will not fail your son.
I know I'm echoing other reviewers by saying this, but these were the perfect lines to end a perfect ballad. They give Sirius's emotions away in a very poignant and touching manner. Congratulations on a job well done!
- Mini.
Author's Response: Thank you for the great review! Wow, that's awesome to think of it being recited in the wizarding world. :D Thanks for giving me that flattering mental image! And I'm glad you liked the opening verse; I liked the idea of setting the scene before launching into the narrative. Thanks so much for reviewing!
Wow. I clicked on your author's page looking for a bio, and clicked on this to see who the hero was...and it's really, really, good. It's got real rhymes (unusual), is set up the exact same way in every verse (also unusual) and has perfect meter (incredibly unusual).
And I love how it's a real story. Narrative poetry is my favourite kind. It does a great job of giving a fresh glimpse into Sirius's mind -- something I'd never though of before. Great job!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review; I'm glad you liked it!
Very nice. I am not a great fan of poetry usually, but I really enjoyed the sentiment here. Well done.
Author's Response: Thank you! To tell the truth, I don't usually read/write poetry either, but I enjoyed writing this one. :)
Hey BC! I know I promised to get this to you before the clock struck midnight, but due to my complete devotion to American Idol [>.>] I was unable to do so. I do hope the morning after is just fine with you. : ) To kick my review off, I’ll say that I honestly don’t read all that much poetry, mainly because it either goes way over my head or it’s a complete mess. However, I am VERY happy to find something that has enough style and sophistication to keep me interested while at the same time, it doesn’t go all over the page with… weird spacing and numbers and lines that confuse me. So! Fabulous. : )
The second thing that makes this poem such a find is that the actually subject matter is very hard to find. Not many decide to use actual canon events to use in their story - such stories mainly go for school!Marauders where we have so little info - and I can honestly say I have never read anything in fanon that details Sirius’ escape. And you use it with such control over your language that it is astounding. I’d also like to mention that the flow and pace is perfect [I counted!], which, of course, is love to the highest level.
Like I said, your use of language to tie images ‘round in circles in my mind is completely flabbergasting. “An icy wind howled mournfully, Across the barren sea,
‘Til from the fog, a fort emerged, Entrenched in misery. I don’t know what it is about this first stanza that has me entranced. It could be the fact that it sets the scene for what I as the audience am about to witness so beautifully, or if it’s the choice of verb. It’s a bit of both, I think, and like I said, the imagery and language you use is almost flawless.
I say almost because, while you gracefully dance through most of your writing, there is one choice of word that sort of bugs me, and it is the only piece of concrit I could find. It’s not really something that can be fixed, in my opinion, because it’s involved in the rhythm so well. However, the word “deathly” in stanza two irritates me beyond all reason. I don’t really know why, because it is a perfect fit. I think it’s because, while all other words seem warm, elegant, and charming, this word seems to stop the rhythm dead and stare coldly at you. Like Wormtail would if you stole his turban. I just thought I’d let you know of my plight. I hate the word, but it can’t be helped. *builds a bridge and gets over it*
The thing I think that makes poems work so well and what makes everything tick is the actual wording used. Not only do actual words keep the pace, they can also change the tone, send a message, and an “a” is just as important as something like “westward”. You fit everything in so well. It all seemed to click into place. I do have some favourite lines though, even though the whole poem was deliciously refreshing. “Was plotting an escape from his, Unending years of hell.” This gets the point across that Sirius is in… well, hell. It also shows how desperate and needy he is of escaping at that point. Not only was he barely managing to keep sane, he also had to escape because of the traitor at Hogwarts. It was really well thought out. : ) “While desperate moans surrounded him, From inmates all but dead.” Tastefully done. The filet mignon of the magnificent feast of words. It really described Azkaban very well. *gobbles up*
*Ahem* Only one more, I promise, and then I’ll be on my way. “He made one final promise as, He broke into a run, I failed you, James, but this I vow, I will not fail your son.” OH MY SWEET HEAVEN. This was the PERFECT ending. I cannot tell you how much I adore this paragraph. I want to print it out, staple it to the wall, and sit hours on end staring at its fabulousness. X.X
Author's Response: Wow, now that is some SPEW love right there! Thanks for such a complex review and for your very flattering praise! And extra thanks for counting my syllables. Seriously. I was a slave to the meter, and it makes it all worthwhile to know that someone's out there counting and appreciating my OCD. :D And I had to laugh at your "deathly" hate. Isn't it weird when someone comes along and says exactly the same thing you were thinking? Well, I didn't have your awesome turban analogy in mind, but it did always kind of stand out to me as an evil looking word. I decided to leave it because I figured it was an appropriate word for Dementors, but you're right; it is a bit disruptive. I appreciate your taking the time to review! (And I was sleeping at midnight so I never would have known.) ;)
Wow, I definitely thought I had reviewed this one already! Oh well, better late than never!
This ballad really is incredible. I know I'm just echoing everyone when I say that the last two lines are so moving, but they really touched me. The rest was excellent as well, of course. And the subject matter is so perfect for a ballad; it had great emotion. A well-deserved finish in the challenge! Congratulations!! :)
Author's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing, and congratulations to you, too!
And Black swore not to rest until
He’d met his bloody end.
A little confusing there, when you're talking about how Pettigrew'd meet his end - it seemed like you meant Sirius. However, I don't really know how to fix it, so you can keep it. Just wanted to point it out for you.
Perfect rhythm and rhyming. Beautiful. The last stanza is so powerful, too. Amazing. You'll do great in the challenge.
Sirius Black rules!
~Tyger, tyger, burning bright - Euphrates
Author's Response: That line has kept kept me up at nights. :) I know it's confusing, but I couldn't think of a fix either, so I went with it. I may end up adjusting it though, if I can think of something in time. Thanks so much for your review!
This is absolutely awesome! Your choice of words is fantastic and always fits the rhythm. The whole tale flowed well and was easy to follow. I love how each stanza passes so smoothly to the next.
[I]He fled downhill and dove into
The ocean’s icy tide
And made his journey westward with
The night sky as his guide.[/I]
I love this imagery – it fits well and moves the story along, which is cleverly done. The part about the night sky especially, I like because it creates such a vivid picture of Sirius swimming across the icy ocean, looking up and following the stars.
The parts of the ballad in italics are sparingly and VERY well used. They were chilling, and I could almost hear James’ and Sirius’ voices through the flow of the poem. [I]We trust you, Padfoot. Yes, you’re right,/ He is the better choice.[/I] These lines are so powerful! You don’t specifically mention that it is Peter that they are referring to here, but it’s nevertheless apparent, and the tone that the Potters speak in really emphasises Sirius’ guilt. He must feel terrible for making the wrong decision when all their trust had been placed in him.
[I]I failed you, James, but this I vow,
I will not fail your son.[/I]
Incredible ending. It’s like a sort of promise that Sirius makes to himself, which is a conclusive way to end the ballad. It also seems like a new ‘beginning’, which could lead onto something else. Very intense and wonderfully written.
This was great! Good luck with the challenge! ~Suzie
Author's Response: Wow, this just made my day! Thank you for the kind review; I appreciate it.
I loved it! That was absolutely fantastic. I loved your subject choice - this was perfect ballad material. The rhyme and rhythm worked perfectly for me. I thought the overall tone was perfect for the story of Sirius as well. I loved the last two lines, it was a beautiful conclusion. I am so impressed! This is a great entry for the challenge - good luck!! ~Gina :)
Author's Response: *blushes* Thank you so much! Good luck to you too. :)
It flows very nicely; it isn't stilted in any way, which can be hard to do with short stanzas liike this. You obviously know what you're doing. Good job!
Author's Response: It's so nice to hear that; the rhythm took a lot of work. Thanks for the review!
I just LOVE this!!! it's very well written and the rhyme scheme is perfect!! I just love the last stanza!!! Thankyou for sharing this wonderful piece!
Siriusluvr
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it. :)
