MuggleNet Fan Fiction
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Reviews For Immortal

Name: Visceral Love (Signed) · Date: 02/28/07 17:01 · For: Chapter 1
You have the tone of myth and superiority down so well. I love the way that this fic is written. It is really quite inspiring.

Name: kumydabookworm (Signed) · Date: 02/08/07 18:53 · For: Chapter 1
Wow. Just...wow. This truly shows that immortality isn't all that it's cut out to be. Your characterization of Tom is a little young, a little whiney - but fully appropriate, considering the person he is talking to.

I would LOVE to see more Brigid. Her life when it started, her quest for immortality, the first lover that grew too old for her, the first time she realized immortality wasn't enough - if she ever tried to kill herself.

To keep it short, this story wasn't LONG enough! *nudges* I got the scene, sure - but I wanted MORE! (Which is a good thing, by the way!)

Anyway, on to the criticism. Why is Tom here? He already believes himself immortal with his Horcruxes. Second, it's OOC for him to wear the locket on his person - he would be the kind to hide it away somewhere. That's just my opinion. finally...your second to last line was PERFECT. The last line brought a close to the story, but...the second to last line was this story's most emotive moment, in my opinion.

Great work. Now I'm afraid to submit my entry. >.< But I will. :D


Author's Response: Huh. I think I need to date this - Tom was intended to only have one Horcrux (I think the locket was his first?) at the time. He knows that doesn't make him immortal - his constant thinking on it is just his way of reassuring himself. I'm glad you liked it :)

Name: crazy_purple_hp_freak (Signed) · Date: 01/28/07 12:58 · For: Chapter 1
Wow Mask – the atmosphere in this fic was so mysterious and chilling, you’ve done a great job!

I love the way that you’ve characterised both Tom Riddle and the goddess; I especially liked the way that Brigid speaks to Tom, she sounds a bit condescending and all-knowing…which I think is something that Tom needs to be exposed to! It really gives us an idea of how little Tom knows of such things as immortality – he was limited by things he could find in books and dark magic, but in matters such as ancient tales before his time, and of things like immense Horcruxes in the hills, Tom knows nothing.

I like the way that he is referred to as “Tom” throughout the story. Though he says that he is immortal, being referred to by his birth name makes him look more naïve and human, so enhances the effect that the goddess has on him.

The italics – wow. They were really chilling and powerful; you used them sparingly and extremely well. I especially found the beginning of the fic spooky, with the italicising of “I am immortal” and “I cannot be killed”. Being repeated by Tom, they sounded as if he was trying to tell the world that this was true, as well as reassuring himself.

In other parts of the fic, this ‘reassurance’ element shows through very well:
She is wrong. Wrong! She knows nothing…
I love this, because it makes Tom look so helpless. The repetition of “wrong” makes the goddess seem even more “right” and the trailing off using elision was very effectively used, as if Tom’s slowly losing confidence and refuses to believe what he has been told. The last line confirms his stubbornness: She is nothing but a foolish, lonely old woman. He makes it plain that he will not take her advice – yet I wonder if he will forget it, or will it simply haunt him…

The first edge of her light spewed over the veiled horizon, flushing the mist red.
The imagery here is fantastic. I can picture a sort of sunrise, with a blood-red sky and horizon; this sets the scene really well. I especially love you use of “spewed” which sounds a bit revolting, as if the light itself is not pure.

She laughed again, and Tom decided that he would learn to use that pitch and tone. It was more menacing that anything he’d heard.
Though he seems to act like he knows what he is doing, that he is powerful etc etc.. this part shows that Tom does perhaps respect the goddess slightly? I like the idea that he decides to copy her tone…it makes him sounds a lot less ‘evil’, surely all evil villains invent their own laugh? :p

“…Death is a lover, waiting to embrace you. Death is a long sleep after a life’s work, a fitting ending while your deeds in life still have meaning. Death will not defeat you, but in your foolishness, life might…”
Wow. These lines are so powerful, and true too. It sounds like the sort of thing Dumbledore would say in a way (Death is the next great adventure etc…) but this is somewhat darker and more meaningful. I suppose that there is also an underlying tone of regret from Brigid here, as she is truly immortal so knows that it will not be what Tom imagines.

…Return to your fake immortality, your false sense of superiority, Muggle child.”
Again, quite condescending and all-knowing, but I love it. I love the idea of Tom being called a “muggle child”…he must have hated that!

I just have a tiny nitpick:
The sun labored upward, pregnant with the coming day’s heat, and Tom awaited her.
Here, the British spelling of “labored” is “laboured”. :)

Other than that, this fic is great! My favourite parts are the chilling italics and fantastic imagery. You’ve done a great job here with yet another fantastic challenge entry – good luck!

~Suzie xx

Name: DogLover4Life (Signed) · Date: 01/27/07 1:59 · For: Chapter 1
Tom is blinded by his fear. Did he gain anything from this experience? How old is he, is this before or after GoF? She is so wise, and he is so ignorant.

Name: Chaser921 (Signed) · Date: 01/25/07 1:34 · For: Chapter 1
Very good, I like the way you make the goddess into a witch. Makes the whole thing believable, at least in Harry's world. And it makes perfect sense for Tom to find her on his quest for immortality. You write well tool. Excellent!

Name: Chaser921 (Signed) · Date: 01/25/07 1:34 · For: Chapter 1
Very good, I like the way you make the goddess into a witch. Makes the whole thing believable, at least in Harry's world. And it makes perfect sense for Tom to find her on his quest for immortality. You write well tool. Excellent!

Name: ginevra715 (Signed) · Date: 01/22/07 16:04 · For: Chapter 1
that's really interesting, your theory. it's kind of like thinking of how if you really were immortal, you would exist on forever when the whole world was gone...anyways, very well-written, too.

Author's Response: Thank you

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