MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!
Reviews For Occlumency

Name: Euphrates (Signed) · Date: 04/03/07 21:49 · For: Occlumency
Very good. If Harry wrote poetry, it would be exactly like this! I hope that's what you were trying for. Be warned: I'm going to get nitpicky - don't take it personally!

The bastard

This line bothers me. I understand that it is meant to be forceful, and strong, and angry, but I don't think Harry would say that. Maybe "bloody git", or "bloody prat". However, I'm not British at all, so maybe what you put would be perfect. Just saying.

He thought that it would
Keep Voldemort out of my head

The break between "would" and "keep" seemed very direct and...not right. (Ack! Sorry! I can't think of the right word! That wasn't it, though...) I would break it between "keep" and "Voldemort", or between "Voldemort" and "out". But that, again, 'tis just me.

Also (I'm almost done...): I found the lack of commas, periods, semicolons, etc. at the end of each line rther distracting. If I were you, I'd just go back and add the correct punctuation. Again, it's your choice though.

*phew!* Okay, I'm done critiquing. Hope it helped.

Other than that, though, this poem evoked the correct images, and the way you worded it was wonderful. I wouldn't change a single word. Just the grammar thingies I pointed out.

Please, I hope I wasn't mean or anything...I did like the poem!


Author's Response: Oh thank you for the constructive critisism. You weren't being mean; I hadn't used a Beta here, so it's not my best work.

Name: hpfangirl9 (Signed) · Date: 02/25/07 17:30 · For: Occlumency
Snape's an ass. Again, wonderfully written.

Author's Response: Yeah he is. XD TWIN!

Name: Hansolohpfrk (Signed) · Date: 02/25/07 10:30 · For: Occlumency
Oooh! Very good! Somewhat dark, but....there really isn't a word to discribe it!


Author's Response: is that a good thing? because i am gonna guess that "very good" means its good, but you can never be sure ;)

Name: LunaTuna (Signed) · Date: 02/02/07 21:53 · For: Occlumency
Good! Totally what he'd b thinking. lol ! never study either...

Author's Response: thanks... yeah... i dont study that much either =/

Name: Edgware (Anonymous) · Date: 01/16/07 21:14 · For: Occlumency
Oooh good job :) barely had time to read but still very good from what i've read. Hall Closets Are Real

Author's Response: Umm... its not that long.... still trying to figure this one out.... just gonna stop now.... thank YOU!!!!! HALL CLOSETS ARE NOT REAL

Name: Pirate Fanatic (Signed) · Date: 01/16/07 9:14 · For: Occlumency
Interesting quatrains. This is the first poem I've read in Mugglenet FanFic and i've got to say...you sure write poems better than I do! :)

Author's Response: Thank you!

Name: Tagidi Riva (Signed) · Date: 01/16/07 8:45 · For: Occlumency
" The I am better than you sneer"
You have Snape to a tee. Well done

Author's Response: Thanks!

You must login (register) to review.