I must say, you do a wonderful job of using descritptive words to paint a picture of the scene in the reader's mind. My only bits of concrit are...
"Her newly-purchased suede boots sink deep into the snow and go crunch, crunch, crunch."
The "cruch, cruch, crunch" should be italisized since they aee sounds, and...
The place looks like a park, a small park.
I don't think you need to say that it "looks like" a small park, unless it is not, but I got the impression that it was.
Anyways, its a very sweet story so far, and like I said before, you use such wonderful descriptions that it is very easy for me to see the story in my mind, like in these lines...
Wisps of cotton candy clouds drift across the winter sky.
The sun, a gold-yellow orb hanging in the sky, is already reaching out with its million spear-like arms, grasping handfuls of snow and melting them with its gentle heat.
The place is the Garden of Elov, a place of life and love, a place where flowers and greenery come to life when there is love and life around.
Wonderful and sweet beginning to the story, keep up the great work.
I have read and reviewed before, but I am using this to look at for class now and so I wanted to read and review again. ;)
“It is as if the flowers are keeping her company. The place is the Garden of Elov, a place of life and love, a place where flowers and greenery come to life when there is love and life around.”
The picture you paint here is so lush and full of life. Very detailed and bright. Nice!
The butterflies are a lovely touch. They represent the delicate and fragile state that love can put you in. Butterflies also have connotations of bright and vibrant colours in life and a sense of escapism: all things that I feel come into this fic.
“She exhales, disappointment once again washing the shores of her heart like a deep, dark ocean.”
A perfect example of where your descriptive techniques come into their own. Everything carries a lot of other ideas that, if someone thinks about it, add to the meaning of the simile. This, for instance, implies that her heart is deep and dark and therefore bereft of love. It may not be exactly what you mean, but it enhances things in my opinion. :)
The way you leave this part is lovely. The image that you use of them being so happy together and the warmth and life of them is a stark contrast with the sad tone of beforehand and this really highlights the joy of the last part.
Well done again on some of your most beautiful writing!
You have the beginning of a really good story here. Your eye for detail is thorough and you use lovely phrases with eloquent word choice, such as "spear-like rays of the sun which penetrate his body."
However, I must admit that I wanted more as well. You tend to tell us what happened, and I think if you expanded it out a bit more to show we would get an even better sense of your story. You write, "Many wizards, witches and Aurors were among those who were present to help Harry win the battle. She and Ron were fighting a few Death Eaters while Harry was dueling with Voldemort. At one point when Voldemort used the killing curse, Harry managed to dodge and the curse which was supposed to hit him in the chest hit him on the hand. It had only prolonged the time it took for the curse to kill Harry." Instead, start this passage with one of your descriptions. The smell of the battle rising in Hermione's nose, the screams ringing in her ears. The jet of green light passing so slowly yet in a heartbeat reaching Harry. Let us be there and live it. Then those pieces which flash back will fit in better with the vibrant life in the rest of the story.
Also, at times during this piece you jump from heady emotion to heady emotion. Perhaps it would help to instead build slowly, less emphasis in the beginning on the passion rising between Hermione and Ron and instead let it blossom for the reader with her last few words to him. They seem slightly overshadowed at the moment and it would make them even more haunting and poignent.
I love the idea behind this piece, and think you did an admirable job in catching it and setting it on paper. Well done.
Author's Response: Thank you for the constructive criticism. After you pointed that I jump from one heady emotion to another, only then I realized that I did. I'll watch for all these and keep them in mind when I write the next story. Thanks again for the wonderful review.
One of the most impressive things about this story is your descriptions. I thought you did such a wonderful job setting the scene and it really helped draw me into your story. It started with your opening paragraph (in part one). I think my favorite line is The sun, a gold-yellow orb hanging in the sky, is already reaching out with its million spear-like arms, grasping handfuls of snow and melting them with its gentle heat. There are a couple lines in your opening paragraphs that I really liked, but that was my favorite.
I also liked how you wrote Hermione’s memories of Ron and then the transition from part one to part two. You characterization of Ron was nicely done as well. I liked the spider in the box of chocolates and the snow ball in the face. I also liked Hermione turning the spider on Ron too. I thought you did very well writing these two canon characters.
Finally, I also really liked the message in your story. It’s tragic that it takes an event like the one described here to get people to focus on what truly matters. In all, I really enjoyed reading it.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! (x10 exclamation marks) Yes, the message is the one that I was aiming to get across to the readers. Glad you grasped it : ). The descriptions-ahh, well, I've got a week spot for them. Thanks again for the awesome review.
Once again, your writing really pulls the reader in and allows them to see in such detail what the characters see. This was a very sad chapter, however, it is with a (hopeful?) ending. Happy Today to you too!
Author's Response: Hopeful? Hmmm... Depends on what you mean by hopeful. If you mean hopeful in the sense that Hermione is going to go on with her life full of hope and enjoying each and every day, then , yes...If it means that Ron might come back to life, maybe not. Thank you for your time. Once again, I feel honoured to receive a review from a fellow badger!
Wow, I really think your writing is fabulous! I came across this after your post in the forums-I'm Phily, also a Hufflepuff! :) Your writing is so rich in detail, it allows the reader to see everything so vividly, and I think that the butterfly idea is lovely. I also thought it was very clever how you could write in the present tense (which I find very difficult) and still bring in other memories from the past in a natural way. Nothing but praise here! See you around the forums and keep up the writing!
Author's Response: Yay! A review from a fellow puff...I couldn't be more thrilled :P.It was observant of you to notice that I wrote in present tense. Yes, it was rather difficult to write in present tense as I kept making tense mistakes and I have never wrote a story in present tense before. I thought writing in present tense would make the readers feel as if they are with the characters and enable them to experience what the characters are experiencing.Finally, though, I managed to pull it off, though I couldn't have done it without my beta's ( MissPurplePen) help. She's a fellow Hufflepuf as well. Thank you!
That was incredibly sad! Great writing!
Author's Response: Yes, I myself was on the verge of tears when writing certain parts of the story. Thanks for taking the time to read and review!
Author's Response: Thank you! Do look out for part 2.