Wow, this story is wonderfully dark! I thought the creepiest and most menacing thing about it was Greyback's absolute and effortless power. The way he was completely unconcerned by Lupin's presence and that he merely found his attempts to win the pack over annoyingly pathetic... it gave me this hollow feeling knowing that Lupin was certainly doomed in his mission. And then the scene in the lake was just plain disturbing. The image of the bathing women and the watchers in the dark, the horrible old werewolf overseeing, and then poor Lupin, so nervous and uncomfortable in his surroundings. You created a great sense of unease, but I liked how it ended with Lupin relaxing at the woman's physical touch and her clearly "wish[ing] to mate with him." The phrase is so baldly animalistic, it shows that the only way Lupin is going to make it there is to give in to becoming animal himself. It made it all the more creepy seeing it through Greyback's twisted mind. His own sadistic thoughts are disturbing enough, seeing his pleasure at destroying that woman, but what really clinched it was the casual "and he hoped that the werewolves he raised would one day feel the same." His power and influence over them is so absolute, that this wish for them to follow in his footsteps is frighteningly likely. Dark and twisted; I love it! There were a few grammar typos, such as "these werewolves['] already made-up minds" and "he [would] much rather be pleasing himself." And I agree with Maeve; there's something slightly off about "those neutral and opposite." I think "opposed to" would work better there. But overall, the sentences flowed beautifully and the ideas were well expressed. Great piece!
Mercy! I've never read anything quite this dark before.
Your insight into the life of the werewolf pack is remarkable. I like how you have Greyback stand above the pack as a wolf who has a need (a priority) to infect, while everyone else just has this need to survive.
The imagery of him transforming as he waited to kill this woman...and then the aftermath of what was left of her, it just leaves me shuddering.
I hope there more to come from this!! Its a shame to see it end here.
Interesting insight into Fenrir Greyback's thoughts and motives.
Oh my! I’m still shuddering. As a character piece this was superb. We know Greyback is pure malice, but this added so much dark meat to what we’ve learned from canon. The sign of a really good piece of writing is that it imprints images upon your mind; this has imprinted several on mine. It is interesting to see Lupin from Greyback’s perspective. You’ve made Lupin self-assured when speaking of ideals and plans, but unsure of himself with the females – the dropping of the soap was a clever detail - and I think this sits perfectly with the Lupin we know and love.
The most important thing here, for me anyway, was the uncompromising detail when we see Greyback pursuing his prey. His thought processes are also vital to gaining some understanding of his character. You’ve given us much to think about. His age and his unwillingness to be seen degrading himself in the way the younger ones makes me wonder if he is afraid of looking in public. Even pure evil must have concerns about looking weak in public, especially in this sort of animalistic society. The scene with the women bathing was extremely erotic and also disturbing because of the circumstances. You’ve combined animal instincts with some human qualities well here… and throughout the piece. There’s such a huge element of Greyback having seen and done everything that it is easy to see why he is so dismissive of Remus and his new ideas. The very thought of Greyback and his followers ‘listening’ to the good side is almost laughable if it weren’t so depressing.
Considering this is a short one-shot, you have packed so much food for thought into it regarding your subject that it is applause worthy. His lust for the young, the innocent and pure is completely chilling; it’s the ultimate evil, to go after children and young women, and so you have Greyback fulfilling a role almost as terrifying as Voldemort. I’m looking forward to reading any companion pieces to this and to seeing how you develop this dark, deep character further.
I have the obligatory nitpicks for you. ;-) (This is the time to stop reading and do something more interesting 8giggles*)
Vodka doesn’t need a capital, but the Daily Prophet does need italicising.
“those neutral and opposite this man’s side,” I can’t decide why this sounds off. I think it’s because I feel opposite should read as opposed, but that would require alteration to the sentence. “with a couple large rocks” You need an of between couple and large. “Looking ‘round once more, he noted a couple other werewolves” I think that would be better just as around and you need an of between couple and other. I’m wondering if the missing ofs are some kind of Americanism. “finding long ago that he much rather be pleasing” I got a bit confused with this sentence and the way it fitted to the previous one. I think some clarification is needed, because this is a really powerful scene. “When Greyback had first established the Underground, he had not anticipated the place to become so primitive and instinctual.” I think instead of to, would would be better. ” He couldn’t help but to let a” You could lose the to here. ”long ago that he much rather be pleasing” You need a would between he and much. ” but had somewhat calmed down when she began to massage his shoulders in a manner that clearly said to Greyback that was wished to mate with him.” The was looks like it should be she.
Sorry, I did warn you to stop reading. They’re terribly boring nitpicks and nothing really to do with the excellent composition of this story. Fascinating stuff, Kay; really, really well done.
Hello, darling Kay! I am finally reviewing my favorite author’s work!
So, I think I hardly have to say that I’m very excited you’ve embarked on this particular project. I really like how you are moving past Remus and getting to know a less savory character, one that demands a lot of action and not much thought. (Though you know I love Journey to Perfection as well.)
I love the basic idea of how you think of werewolf society. In a way, it’s similar to animal groups in nature. They live together, mate with one another. However, you’ve really used the inherent evilness of the werewolf to twist it into a seedy underground, one full of sex and blood and lust for both.
“Greyback was quite intrigued at how attracted the blonde one seemed to be toward the new wolf; it did not sit well with him that she was. She had stopped mid-bathing, and confidently strode to where the omega shyly washed his upper body.” I thought this part was really interesting. Obviously, Greyback’s bitten Lupin before, but does he feel the urge to do so now that he’s a werewolf? If Lupin sleeps with the blond, doesn’t that mean that Greyback will have to attack him to maintain his status in the pack? There is an alpha male above Greyback as well, though, if I read this correctly.
“When the moon’s light had finally reached its height, his muscles tingled in anticipation and his lips upturned into a feral grin. His entire body quivered and his bones dislocated, enlarging and becoming stronger as he soon found himself on all fours at the woman’s back door.” I love your description of his transformation, and it seems as if he actually enjoys the transformation- as in, that he’s masochistic. I wonder if maybe the fact that his sexuality has dwindled is because he can’t enjoy sexual activity without him inflicting pain. This brings on a whole new dimension when you think he particularly has a fondness for infecting children.
I did not see any errors or any places where the wording tripped me up. I think you’ve written a fabulous, creepy one-shot of which to be proud!