This story is so cute, a real pleasure to read!
charlie and bill =]
theyre neglected so much but they are so cool!
I loved ittt
This is a really cute Christmas story. Bill and Charlie act just right for their ages (they are sooo cute!), and it’s so nice to read a fic that has them interacting. Charlie’s excitement about the dragons and Bill’s sorrow that Charlie will miss Christmas is so adorable. I’m a big Weasley fan and I’m always looking for good fics focusing on the more minor Weasley characters, and this is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. It’s very original, and just plain cute :-)
There were a few misplaced commas, I felt. In a few places, removal or addition of a comma would make it flow better, or a comma needs to be changed to make it clearer. For example:
~ “Really? What?” Charlie asked bouncing on his heels. – There should be a comma between asked and bouncing.
~ “I’m actually going to suggest you go home and get some rest, Mrs. Weasley, when you’re stressed, your immune system is weakened, and I’d hate for you to catch anything.” – The comma after Mrs Weasley would be better as a semi-colon or colon, I think.
~ His father read him, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, then turned out the light. – No need for the comma after ‘him’.
A couple of other mistakes I spotted were:
~ Finally the healer returned wearing a face mask and Charlie’s records. – He was wearing Charlie’s records? Hehe. Perhaps you should put in the word ‘carrying’ or something like that.
~ “Look,” he healer said. – Should be ‘the’, not ‘he’.
The ending is very sweet. And I love the title! It sounds just like something a small child would say. It’s perfect.
So, overall, very cute Christmassy story. I love it :-)
Awww! What a sweet story! I really do love seeing the Weasleys as children, so this was awesome. Plus it totally goes along with my recent urges to listen to Christmas music. Never mind that it’s the end of August.
One little thing that bothers me (and probably shouldn’t, but oh well) is that it’s not entirely clear how Arthur and Charlie travel to the dragon reserve. I’m guessing it’s Floo, since Arthur covers Charlie’s ears, but since you show them just before they leave and then again just after they arrive, I’d like it if you included their actual travel as well, or at least stepping into the fireplace or something. Without the act of traveling, the section feels slightly disjointed, and it’s especially noticeable because it’s the opening section.
In general, my biggest criticism is that you haven’t edited the story closely enough. There are scattered instances where commas are misplaced or missing (particularly between two adjectives when they’re both describing something), and occasional spots where something just doesn’t make sense: (for instance, Arthur walking through a tunnel with Charlie on his shoulders, with no mention of either the tunnel being tall or of Charlie ducking).
That said, this story is great. You use humor really well. It’s not overdone, and you do it in all the exact right places. It keeps the tone light and festive, which is important given the seriousness of Charlie’s illness. For example, just when Molly and Arthur’s worry over Bill is peaking, Molly asks Arthur if he ought to go get dressed, and it really lightens the tone.
The other thing I particularly like is the dialogue. You really have a knack for it. All of the dialogue in this story sounds very natural. It helps make all of the scenes more real and brings across your characters’ personalities. I can hear all of their voices very clearly as I read, even the characters who don’t speak much. The other thing that’s really amazing about it is the evenness of the quality. I often see (and let’s be honest, I often write) stories that have some really strong dialogue sections and some totally flat and wince-inducing dialogue sections. But there wasn’t a single line of dialogue in this story that sounded wrong or flat or contrived, which is really unusual. So good job not just for being good, but for being consistently good.
And of course, I have to make at least passing reference to the darlingness of the relationship between Bill and Charlie. It was just too sweet for words. ♥ Thank you for writing this, Amanda!
Author's Response: Lianlove, you are simply amazing! Thank you for pointing out the issue with the traveling by floo. You are right, and a simple addition to the sentence will add greatly to the scene. I am also aware of the issues with the commas, and do plan on fixing them sometime soon. *HUG* I'm so glad you liked it!
I really liked this story. That sounds like something a little boy would do. Are you going to write more stories about Bill and Charlie? That would be cool.
Author's Response: Thank you. I don't know about any future stories, but I agree, I like Bill and Charlie very much. Hopefully someday some other story about them will pop into my head!
First of all, may I say again how thrilled I am that you wrote me Bill and Charlie? Young Bill and Charlie? I am totally thrilled. Just in case you didn’t pick that up. There need to be more stories about Bill and Charlie, and their interaction as brothers.
I love the little details about this story –how Mr. Weasley covers Charlie’s ears so he doesn’t hear the floo destination, how Charlie plays with the tassels on his father’s hat – little things that I wouldn’t think of and wouldn’t notice if you didn’t include them, but they make the story come alive. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about storytelling in film versus written storytelling, and one of the huge benefits film has is that it can include background details (one character playing with another’s hair, sideways glances between people in the background, and the like) without drawing attention to them, while other things are happening, so that they are there for the careful observer but not thrust in your face. In written stories this is a lot harder, because you can’t really background and foreground things – you can only write one thing at a time. However, you did a great job in including the little details in such a way that they didn’t feel forced or annoying – they were just added tidbits which brought life and color to the plot and characters.
You also did a great job of getting into the mentalities of both young boys. Again, the little details made me smile, every single time. Charlie getting bored with all the walking, even though it’s his big day. Bill not being able to read all of the long words. Bill wondering why Charlie’s name was written backwards (I think that was my favorite). You nailed the perspective of a little boy, perfectly. (As far as I can tell, at least, never having been a little boy.)
My favorite thing by far about this story, though, is the relationship between Bill and Charlie. As I said, I really wish more people wrote about it. I asked for a brothers story, and you gave me exactly what I asked for and more – I love how much they love each other, and how Bill refuses to have Christmas without Charlie. And the ending was just completely beautiful and adorable…
Thank you, for the wonderful Christmas story!
Author's Response: Nan, love, I am just overjoyed that you like my story so much. I'm just so pleased that all the peices fell into place perfectly for this story. That Charlie would be turning 5 around Christmastime when his mother would be pregnant with Fred and George. That Bill most likely would have been to the hospital about a year before when Percy would have been born. All those little details were just heaven sent. And I love little kids (I'd have to, to make a career out of working them them day in and out) but kids are so amused by little things (like tassles on a hat). I'm just to pleased that you're as happy with the story as I am. Because, I too, am a huge Weasley fan (especially Charlie) and think there ought to be more stories about them as kids!
This was SO nice reading about a young Bill and Charlie! We don't often hear about the younger days of the eldest Weasley sons. :)
You had a vew grammatical errors (ok instead of okay and some missing commas) but your characterization was so cute!
I loved the awe that we could practically see on Charlie when he went to the dragon reserve.
Very nice, light read. It made me smile. :) Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you. I'm glad you liked it!
I see I started a rush. ;) I had little time to review last time, so here you go!!
I really like this story. I love the way you wrote about a time we rarely hear about - Bill and Charlie probably would've been friends early on, they ARE very close in age.
I also like Percy- "Percy was much too content to play quietly in his crib and nap." That was cute. ^-^
I think you portrayed the ages very well. The way Bill was so determined to help his brother have a good Christmas was perfect. Good job!!
Author's Response: Well, thank you so much for coming back and commenting more! The Weasley children as kids facinate me, I also have a fic about Ginny and Ron being left behind by their brothers when they go to Hogwarts. They are such a rich and interesting source of characters!
adorable! i love stories like this that are almost completely independent of the books, and focus on some part we don't usually see. good capturing of bill and charlie as cute little weasleys.
Author's Response: Oh thank you! I loved writing them, they were so much fun!
Oh - this is so cool! You NEVER see Bill and Charlie together, and yet of course they were close in age and might have been close friends as well.
My very best favoritest part, however, is where Charlie is playing with the tassels on his father's cap. That is just perfect!
I would never try to SPEW a SPEWER, so that's all I'll write...
Author's Response: *giggles* you are too much! Thank you so much love!
Aw, very cute and sweet. You write well, and I think you captured the ages of Bill and Charlie well. Excellent!
Author's Response: Thank you very much!
What a cute Christmas story!
Author's Response: Thank you!
This is so cute!! I love the idea behind the story. :) :) :)
Author's Response: Thank you! I'm very pleased how it came out!