good first chapter. You introduced each new character very well and i didnt feel like they were like, being thrown at me :) I love all of your choices of names so so so much! This was really cute becasue usually i dont like firt year stories becasue i cant relate to them very much but i likes this one :D So, that was a good six sentences saing like the same thing over and over again! HAH bye!
Author's Response: God, I needed this. I was attempting to watch Titanic, but I'm emotional like that so I couldn't... so thanks for making me happy again! Tehee, thanks for the review. I'm glad you liked it! ~megan~
i luuv your story!!!Update soon!!!! Please!!
Author's Response: Thanks! I'll try to update! ~megan~
IS PUNITA HARRY'S DAUGHTER? I loooove it!!!!!
Author's Response: Haha, no, but that's a smart idea... no, Punita's a full blood Punjabi (she's Indian) so no, she's not Harry's daughter. But wouldn't that be interesting... Thanks for the review! ~megan~
Nicey story!!!!! : )
Author's Response: Thanks! =) ~megan~
that was good keep up the good work
Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it! ~megan~
Awww that's so... in a way realistic. That's basically what happens when me and my friends get together for a sleep over, lol. Good chapter. I mised this story and I was really happy when I found the thing in my inbox.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Yeah, this sounds like one of my sleepovers, too. I hope the title of the story makes more sense now. Thanks again, and I'm glad you liked it. ~megan~
Cute chapter. We didn't learn a lot of new information, but this was one of those necessary "set the scene" chapters that leads in to the rest of the story, so that's okay. Your writing is well-organized and nicely descriptive without going overboard. Overall, it's a very nice chapter with a cute ending. No complaints from me! :-)
Author's Response: Aww, thanks! *blushes* I'm glad you liked it! ~megan~
A cliffie? I'm gonna *insert threat here* you. This is relly good, really sweet.
Author's Response: Umm.... thanks??? Sorry, I've been trying to update, and I know it is evil of me to add a cliffie, but... I just couldn't resist! ;-) I have been really busy and stressed with school because my teachers don't understand that I have a life... grr... Well, thanks for the review, and I will update as soon as possible. But for now- I know what house she's in! Na-na-na-na-na! (Just kidding..) ~megan~
I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to get back to you; I’ve been really busy (haven’t had much time for writing, etc.) and I’ve been desperate to reply to your lovely *blushes deep, cherry red* complimentary email. Of course I wanted to look at your work, and I finally got to, and… Wow, you’re doing so well! I love the characters you’ve created. In fact, your characterization is so nice (especially for a first fic) that I’m going to dedicate a paragraph to my first impression of each girl.
*Ahem!* Riannon and Morven. First of all: LOVE both of their names. *giggles* Ria’s personality, too, reminds me a little of my Riana. That only serves to make me feel closer to her. She’s such a feisty, little thing. I adore her independence and arrogance. *raises eyebrow and grins* From the first sentence, “Bloody hell!” to her “Sounds like this compartment.” I laughed so much at that sentence. She’s so abrupt, so straightforward, so… Marvelous job, Megan. =) Furthermore, I can tell that Ria is already scarred. Poor child; I just want to hug her. That wicked mother of hers! You know, she reminds me of the little girl (God help me, I can’t remember her name *headdesk*) in “The Subtle Knife” by Philip Pullman.
Nadina. Very creative name and perfect for her character. “Riannon wondered if she had a boyfriend” was priceless. *grins* I have thought that before, too, while looking at tall, slim, lovely girls. Such an admission only makes Ria all the more human. (Of course I went back to Ria’s character. *chuckles*) Naddie’s a flutterbug and I like her flittery character. We all need one of those, eh?
Punita and her cat, Jinx. Great names. I like Punita, too. She’s serious, quiet, but also a little arrogant. That’s good. She has flaws and those make her a very REAL character. I hope to see more about her. I see Punita as the caretaker. These girls all have the potential to exemplify archetypal personalities very well and I can’t wait to see what you do with that.
Anna. Hufflepuff, much? Your description of her smile is absolutely lovely. I’m glad you’ve redeemed her character by giving her that one, wonderful trait.
Sophie. At the moment, I can’t say much about her except that she’s a talkative beanpole who I rather like because she’s so loyal to Anna. There’s no one like these two girls in the “HP” books and I wonder where you will take them…
Mary/Veronica. She seems to be a female Ron. *grins* I like her, though. I feel that she and Ria are the most compatible of all, goodness, FIVE girls in the cabin.
I quite like the Harry Potter Chocolate Frog card; he was so friendly, eh? Ingenious, dear, =) Oh! *gasps* But does that mean Harry is alive or…? I can’t wait to find out.
Just a few things to nitpick that would make your story just that little bit clearer. After the Author’s Notes at the top of the story, you might want to put a space between the two blocks of text (A.N. and beginning of chapter) to make it easier for the reader to distinguish between the two.
A space between the comma after ‘Bloody hell,’ and ‘thought’.
There’s a touch of pronoun confusion in the first paragraph; using ‘her’ instead of ‘Riannon’ made me wonder whether you were talking about Ria, Professor McGonagall, or the ‘strange woman’.
Also, don’t forget to put a new person’s dialogue as a new paragraph. When Nadine asks Ria if she’s all right and Ria nods, Nadine’s “Yeah?” should begin a new paragraph. … Or you could simply say that the ‘she’ is Ria. *giggles* Told you I was picky. =/ It doesn’t really matter, love; the chapter is wonderful the way it is. Just tips for future submission.
Nadine says that Ria can ‘just calls’ her Naddie; should that be, ‘just CALL’?
Hmm, whenever you use numbers (like the number ‘4’) you really should not use the numerical value. Just type it out, ‘four’; ‘tis more grammatically correct.
Too, I don’t see Jinx ‘screeching’ because she’s a cat. What about ‘Jinx gave a yowl’?
There’s one thing that you should be careful about, though, and that’s switching perspectives. You’re telling this story from Ria’s perspective, so it would probably be best not to “listen in” on any of the other girls’ thoughts. =)
Last, watch your formatting between paragraphs. There should, ideally, be one space between each paragraph. Going back and editing changes the formatting of your chapter. To fix this, you just have to take the entire text out of the box and take it to Word (or Words, whichever program you use if you have a PC) and make your changes, then C & P the text back into the word box. Time-consuming, but it really helps the reader. =) Just a little tip... 'tis all.
All in all, Megan, this has the makings of a really entertaining story. The one thing that I’d like to see you write more of—and I know you can do it—is description. Don’t just say that Ria did something, actually have her walking to window, fiddling with the latch, and throwing things out. *giggles* You know what I mean?
You really are a talented writer and I can’t wait to see where this goes, to see where you go as a writer, etc. (Not stalking or anything… Gah! That came out wrong. *grins*)
Keep up the good work, Megan, and I’ll definitely shadow this story. Well done!
P.S. See, there’s no need to be nervous around me; I’m a nice person. =)
Author's Response: Wow. Thank you so much!!! What a wonderful review! Thanks for your compliments on Ria and Morven. I have a thing where I have to make every name have a significant meaning, so Riannon means "sorceress" and Morven means "magical." I love Nadina! She's kind of in-your-face, but in a good, friendly way. Truthfully, I based her off of Tonks- could you tell? Punita and Veronica are actually based off of two of my friends. Real-life Veronica really does have 5 brothers and sisters! But Punita in real life does not have a cat, and her name really isn't Punita. Thanks for the C.C., too. I'll be sure to keep that in mind. Heehee, you just made my day! Muchas gracias! ~megan~
Great story, and I especially liked your sorting hat's song. Keep writing, and update soon. (I hate cliffhangers)
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I actually have a lot of the story planned; wish I could submit it all at one time... This is my first story, and already I have come to enjoy the feeling of evil cliffies... Anyways, thanks for the review and I'll update as soon as possible! ~megan~
Ohh great cliffhanger!! I really want to know what house she is in!
I can't wait to see how she settles into her life at hogwarts!!!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I'm glad it was a good cliffie, I was hoping people wouldn't be able to guess what house she was in... Thanks again and I will update as soon as possible. ~megan~
NO CLIFFYS! how could you! I alway scoff when I read finished storys and I can guess at the sorting but you just built it up and didn't have the decency to let all us poor readers know. sigh how evil of you. UPdate SOON!
Author's Response: Teehee! *evil laugh* I'm glad you couldn't guess what house she was going to be in... I thought it was going to be a horrible cliffie and everybody would know... Thanks so much for the review and I will try to update soon, but I have lots of schoolwork... but I do want to get back to the story. ~megan~
First off, I have to let you know that I don't normally read this type of story (OC-based, or next-generation, or whatever you want to call it). For whatever reason, though, I decided to have a look at this one -- I think the title was just too intriguing to pass up. Anyway, I'm very impressed with your writing; you've done an excellent job of conveying your characters' nervousness, for example. The thing I'm most impressed with, however, is the Sorting Hat's song. I know how difficult writing one of those can be, since I gave it up as a lost cause when I tried write one for one of my own stories.
The one thing I would caution you about is switching perspectives. There were a couple of times (I can't remember if they were in the first or second chapter) when it seemed like you switched between only being able to hear Ria's thoughts, and being able to hear the other girls' thoughts as well. It's usually best to either let the reader know only one character's thoughts, or let them know everybody's thoughts. These things are pretty minor, though, and I really do think you're doing a great job with your story. Keep up the good work.
Author's Response: =) Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked the title, it will make more sense, hopefully, in the next chapter... Yes, the sorting hat's song was difficult. I'm surprised I was able to put it in at all, at one point I thought about leaving it out completely. Thanks for the CC, too. I'll try to keep that in mind when writing future chapters. ~megan~
You had better update soon!!!!!!!!! I can't stand the suspense!!!!!!!!
Author's Response: I have a lot planned out... I'm not exactly sure how it will all come together, though. Thanks for the review! ~megan~
This is REALLY good! I feel like I know the characters already. Keep up the good work!! :-)
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I am glad it's getting such good reviews, being my first accepted fic... Well thanks again! ~MEGAN~
Wow, this seems to be a fun story, I can't wait to see how this ties into the cannon charictors!
Author's Response: Yay! You have just given me my first review on MNFF! (jeez, i wish i had a prize to give you or something, lol!) Thanks for the review! ~megan~