I like how you really seem to get inside Kathryn’s head by writing the story completely through her thoughts. You really have her open up to us, and it helps us grasp what your OC is really like. She knows her feelings and her tastes very well, but she also knows to keep them to herself, rather than complain. She understands her mother very well, but disagrees with her about many things. I like this sort of subtle disagreement your character has. She obviously has different opinions and ideas than her mother, but they aren’t constantly screaming and fighting with each other. It’s not too dramatic or overdone, but just simple with a strong message. This was a great idea, and I really liked how you gave your character this personality trait.

The main idea of this story is intriguing. Mostly when we read stories about rich pure-blood families, we either read about the Blacks or the Malfoys. The ideas are usually very alike, and the stories written about those families tend to go in the same direction. I liked reading about a different family, one that we’ve never heard of before. It was a great change of pace, as well as a nice glimpse into the life of a girl from a Pureblood family. You also seem to carry a nice balance with her character. She doesn’t care for her mother’s ideas and opinions, but she doesn’t fight them the way some characters do in stories. She is in between. I think she knows her place and her right to the family, but she is stuck between wanting to follow her mother’s ideas and wanting to break free from them. Great idea!

At the end when she gave up her chance to be with Sirius, I was really impressed with the way you wrote her and the reasons she gave for not being able to date him. It was sad to see her leave a chance she could have had for happiness, but I think that made the story more realistic. It wouldn’t be in character for Kathryn to suddenly fall into Sirius’s arms and agree to go out with him. She seems very loyal to her family as well as her place in the wizarding world, and even though she may not like it, she feels as if it’s meant to be that way. I’m glad you stayed true to her character and didn’t have her stray into some Mary-Sue romance character. I’ll admit that at first I was worried that you were heading in the direction as Sirius came to the window, but you completely surprised me. Well written and way to stay consistent with your OC. Fantastic!

I have a few nitpicks and also some constructive criticism I would like to share…

Consorting with muggleborns and the like…

‘muggleborns’ should be capitalized.

Rabastan’s lips have remained on my hand a fraction too long, and I think his eyes have traveled to low on me.

‘Traveled’ should be spelled as ‘travelled’.

I came to apologize, for not consulting you first, about the engagement.

I think the commas in this sentence are unnecessary. You also have a few other unneeded commas throughout the story.

In some parts of the story, you have a few run-on sentences. It’s mostly in the beginning and towards the middle of the story. I would advise you to read through it and correct some of those to make the story look even better than it is. Having well written sentences can affect the overall impression of the story, so taking a few minutes to look over it would really help it flow better and look more professional.

The engagement between Sirius and Kathryn seemed out of place. You’ve written them to be in sixth year, which makes the idea seem to go against canon to a certain extent. At that point in time, I really don’t think Sirius would agree to getting married to someone he didn’t know and didn’t want to be married to. He would no longer attend those types of parties, or be a part of any arranged marriage. I just do not think it’s something he would ever agree to do at that point. It’s a nice idea, but I think it’s out of character for Sirius.

I think Slughorn dismissed Kathryn rather quickly. The scene seems rushed. You don’t give quite enough details, and it ends too fast. I don’t think Slughorn would dismiss Kathryn like that. He seems like a fair teacher, and he would at least let her tell her side of the story. I doubt she would lose her Prefect duties for the duel once Slughorn knew that she didn’t start it. He seems like the type that would definitely be willing to listen to students and give them second chances.


I think you have really great ideas and characterization. You’ve created a great pure-blood family, typical like the others, yet different from what we see in most stories. I like you ability to think differently and not just write another fanfic that revolves around the Blacks or the Malfoys. Kathryn is a wonderful OC, who was consistent and in character throughout the entire story. You did a beautiful job with her. Her thoughts reflect so perfectly and you show just what it would have been like to grow up as a girl in a strict pure-blood family. As I’ve said many times in this review, I really like your ideas. I’m going to be sure to take a look at your other work. Great writing!

Katty – Knight of the Turnip Table

i enjoyed this story. Nice job, but here are a critique:
This line seemed too repetitive to me:

And I wasn’t paying attention, like an attentive woman should.

I would take out "like an attentive woman should"

Other than that, great job!

Author's Response: Thank you for the mini-beta job! I changed the phrase slightly so that it was no longer redundant. I'm glad you caught that.