I loved this poem. It was so full of meaning that I didn't expect to be portrayed in a 164-word poem. Not many authors can make something so beautiful in so little words, but you pulled it off beautifully. Your beginning line was so grasping that I couldn't help but keep on reading.
One thing that I didn't like as much was each stanza being one sentence. It felt like the commas separated the piece too much, interupting the flow. It would have been easier to read, in my opinion, if you separated each stanza into two sentences, and then changed the appropriate words, beginnings, etc.
I loved your choice of wording throughout. It was brilliant, and gave me a good feeling of grief and loneliness. But, for some reason, I think that I would have been able to feel Lupin's pain even more if the verses didn't rhyme. It seemed to make Lupin feel like he was just trying to find the right word, and that his feelings didn't come natural in the form of a poem. If you are trying to make it even darker and angsty-er, then I would try to make it look as effortless as possible.
At this point, I don't think that Lupin would have cared if it had rhymed or not. He is about to kill himself, and has just lost the person he loved the most in the world. I loved that you made him say that he was losing the fight. That was a wonderful touch, and I can picture Lupin just breaking away among Tonk's death.
Overall, wonderful poem. It left me feeling very sad, so don't get me wrong when you read my suggestions. I loved it, there are just some minor tips to make it even better and even more full of feeling. I know that you love Remus/Tonks, and you displayed it wonderfully in the form of a poem.
Since I have to study poetry for my Crit Lit class right now, I figured practicing in the lovely MNFF world make it much more fun, and since I wanted to give you a review anyway, this works out just perfectly.
When I started reading the poem, I was just overcome by the extreme feeling of sadness, like walking into a fog. You obviously conveyed the feeling really well through your writing. I see the rhyme scheme running through your stanzas, but I actually didn’t feel it in the reading until the third stanza, and then I went, “Oh, this has a rhyme scheme.” So I thought you did a very good job of not making it a glaringly obvious thing at first. I don’t know if you did this on purpose, either, but it made sense for the rhyming not to be obvious until later because the feelings at the beginning of the poem are just sort of sadness and confusion.
When Remus comes to terms with what has happened is when that every other line rhyme scheme is obvious. And the rhyming continues (as you know, since you wrote it...) into the fourth stanza, but I like the visual cue in the change of form. The implication that things have changed, and that things are going in a different direction. I really liked that visual change correlating with the metaphorical change.
This was a lovely poem that I really enjoyed reading, Teresa.
Author's Response: Oh, thank you Mar! I'm glad you liked the poem. I love writing poetry, and I plan on writing some more soon.
Whoa - I didn't expect that ending! *tear* Poor Remus. At least he did marry Tonks. (If it was Tonks, but I suspect it was.)
I like your rhyming here - it isn't too forced. It flows evenly, except in the first stanza when you rhymed 'sadness' and 'lifeless', but it didn't break up the poem at all.
I love this part:
I expected it was the worst,
Everything went from white to black.
I don't know why, but it evoked a certain image in my head that was just very...powerful. Wonderful job!
Author's Response: Thanks! It was Tonks that I was talking about. I love R/T and Remus is my favorite character, so it nearly killed me to write that. ~ Teresa
Oh my! I really like this poem; the rhyming scheme gives a depth to it, and despite the untimely death of Remus, it is beautiful.
However, to make it even more effective, you can work on the comma usage. Commas are not needed at the end of every line, and some lines would work better without a comma or with a period.
Whether you write more poetry or not, keep up the good work!
Kate -> Knight of the Turnip Table
Author's Response: Thanks! I also have a hard time with punctuation and poetry. It's something I need to work on. I love Remus and hated killing him. But I had to for the sake of the poem. I plan on writing a lot more poetry though.
This is incredibly sad. The sonnet structure perfect, so full marks for that.
I love how in the first stanza, you use words like 'surrounded' and 'engulfed,' which show the reader how there is no way out except for the one he's chosen. You use some great imagery in here, too, such as:
Everything went from white to black.
This provides a great picture for the reader. It also shows how he can only think in extremes, like white and black and extreme happiness and sadness.
I love 'devoid of all life.' He is about to step into death, but already he is devoid of all life.
Wonderful job! I hope to see more poetry from you in the future.
Author's Response: Thanks Prof. Jenn! I'm glad you liked it. I enjoyed this class a lot and had a great time.