MuggleNet Fan Fiction
Harry Potter stories written by fans!

Name: Sdogg (Signed) · Date: 06/13/08 13:54 · For: Chapter 1
Very cute story. I like that it shows that Slytherins have emotions too :P Good job.

Name: Lurid (Signed) · Date: 12/29/07 6:18 · For: Chapter 1
Hi! I’m just dropping by, seeing how you’re going. It seems like this could do with a little loving, in the spirit. Plus, you never know who reads the SPEW threads to see who’s pimpin’ what story. Perhaps you’ll get some more readers :).

What I enjoyed throughout this was the fact that Pansy still retained her image of Draco as an angel. It was… a huge flashback to that moment in HBP in the train where she’s stroking his hair indulgently, and to Petunia where Harry thinks Dudley looks like a pig in a wig. They both love their blonde haired men like they’re angels, and just the comparison is hilarious. Pardon my moment there –shifty eyes-.

One small thing I noticed was the hair detail – fantastic, your split ends are now a thousand ways to remember how split you and Draco are, by why only 5 years after his death 10 years previous, woman? Were you there in the hair dressers next to your Muggle secretary’s office making yourself pretty for him for 5 years?

Ahem. In other words, why’d she wait 5 years to not-cut her hair? Oh, Muggle should be capitalised (my apologies) and the fact she working lower than a Muggle; has she renounced the world that took Draco? Seems a little odd, perhaps change it to… a secretary for someone in the Ministry? It just sounds more magic-ky and pureblooded that way.

Something else I’m totally noticing in my sleep-deprived state - Perhaps the reason why Draco left was that he saw how bad she was and hated her for it. I’d actually get rid of the “why” in there. The “Perhaps” replaces the need for “why” in that sentence.

Well, you have a fabulous Christmas break & a happy new year. Let’s hope the new year is full of writing for you!

Name: crazy_purple_hp_freak (Signed) · Date: 12/22/06 15:34 · For: Chapter 1
Wow! This was really intense and a very good read. The ‘miracle’ component came across so well, well done!
I loved the use of false hope in the first part of this, where Pansy sees the man that she thought was Draco initially, but actually wasn’t. Writing in something like this, I thought, was very clever as it concentrated her emotions, especially her despair, into something even more passionate and intense, so that when Pansy and Draco DID reunite the atmosphere was extremely powerful.

Draco? She wanted to whisper. Was it he? Did he really come? Did that mean that he really cared about her…? It was a miracle! A miracle!

This really conveyed Pansy’s disbelief and I could almost feel that she didn’t really want to believe that he was there – like it was too good to be true. The use of short sentences and broken sentences here is really effective, and as I read it I felt the text take on a characteristic sort of ‘breathlessness’ and uncertainty which added to the overall sadness and despair a great deal.

It had been nearly ten years since she had been to Hogsmeade; ten years since the attacks, ten years since the war.

I loved the beginning of this story. You concisely yet accurately tell the reader what has happened to Pansy and I especially like this way that you repeat ‘ten’ to emphasise the amount of time that has passed.

I just have one tiny suggestions: “Go to bloody-” An angel stood before her…
I love this line, and the idea of Draco being an angel to Pansy is quite realistic, both in her eyes and dreams, and (I suppose) in appearance by his hair. To make the ‘interruption’ even more effective, it may be better to leave a lines gap between ‘…bloody’ and ‘an angel’. Only a suggestion. :)

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Good luck in the challenge!

Author's Response: Wow. I don't think I've ever recieved such a helpful and nice comment! A very very very merry Christmas to you and I hope that the plot bunnies flow like...well...for lack of a better word: wine. Thank you again.

Name: Cheshlin (Signed) · Date: 12/10/06 17:05 · For: Chapter 1
That was so touching. The emotions you go through seem so real and honest. The waiting, then hope which turns to despair and finally great joy!! Thanks for this wonderful story!

Author's Response: Thank you very much for that nice review! I'm glad that my humble story touched you. Happy holidays and best of luck with any writing endevors.

Name: Gmariam (Signed) · Date: 12/08/06 22:36 · For: Chapter 1
Hi there! Nice job with your challenge story! You really make the reader feel sorry for Pansy, and then draw out the suspense until the end. It was heartwarming to see her reunited with the one she loved; it almost seems like there is another story there about Draco and his whereabouts for the past ten years!
I'm not sure if there was a formatting glitch once you submitted - that's happened to me as well - or if you wanted to read as a single inner monologue, but you might want to think about breaking it up into paragraphs for the readers. :)
Lovely job and good luck on the challenge! ~Gina :)

Author's Response: Ah, yes, thank you for bringing the formatting glitch to my attention. I fixed it and hopefully next time (you were right about there being a story behind Draco's whereabouts for those ten years!) I will remember to use the tags instead of just relying on the return button. Have a wonderful holiday and thank you very much for taking an interest in my story.

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