Well then! Since you left me such a lovely review for my one-shot, I thought I’d return the favor for you!
Your attention to detail is incredible. Your descriptions of the werewolves at the beginning were admirable, for you painted the picture vividly in my mind. I felt like I was standing there, watching them sleep. Oh, it was interesting! I could hear them too…maybe I’m just weird. Your use of the present tense is probably what was the most intriguing. It made it feel like the reader was there because it was happening as I read it. A very nice style of writing that you pulled off beautifully! Your writing sucked me right in immediately. A great way to start the story!
I actually think that your description at the beginning is the best part of your story. Although you write dialogue well, you write description better. I think, though, that your characterizations of Lupin’s parents were very believable and they felt canon to me. I could imagine them being overprotective of their son – at first it had me shocked, but then I accepted it to be true.
My nitpick about the section with the parents was that you alternated between “Mr. Lupin” and “Ralph” and “Mrs. Lupin” and “Susan” while you wrote the prose. Let me explain:
“I know, darling, I know,” Susan said with a sad laugh. “I will just miss my boy so much!” As she had said this, Mrs. Lupin pulled a handkerchief out from behind her back.
You use both “Susan” and “Mrs. Lupin” to describe Lupin’s mother. While the meaning is clear and this is not necessarily wrong, it is better to pick one or the other for prose. In dialogue, she could be addressed as either “Susan” or “Mrs. Lupin” and both would be acceptable. It makes for cleaner writing to use only one in prose.
You do the same for the father, but I think you have the idea. You only did it once for the mother and once for the father, which was the interesting part for me. Perhaps you just made a mistake?
The only other thing I have to point out is this:
As my beta felt compelled to tell me, you should be “AK’ed” for that. (I think the curse, but perhaps the gun? I wasn’t really sure…) Anyway, the point is that “alright”, although used often, is actually not a word. “All right” is the way to go!
Sorry to turn into a beta at the end there. I really did enjoy reading this story, and I think that you are a very strong writer – your description at the beginning proves that to me. I am looking forward to your next chapter, and lucky for me, it is right there! I am off to read it now!
I did like this. The descriptions were very well done! However, the beginning of it seemed a little heavy. This can be fixed by taking out a word here or there, or maybe even adding some periods.
Author's Response: Short... not very sweet... but constructive! Thanks, MrsRubeus. I'll see what I can do about the beginning, although I'm not planning to touch it up too much. It's only a fic... and its first chapter is kind of in the past to me... but I'll see what I can do. Thanks again!
Love this!!! Love it! Michael, you know how much I love your stories. This is just great! The way you portray Remus is fantastic. One of the best Remus stories on MNFF BY FAR. I like how you portray all of the Marauders, especially Peter. No one really pays him any mind, so it's nice seeing him having a part in the story with actual speaking lines, hehe.
I'm looking forward to more chapters!! You know I will relentlessly bug you about them until they are completed. :) (I shouldn't be one to talk, with my unfinished story, as pathetic as it is.)
Write more Michael! Or I shall pull a very effective stunt on you(that I gleaned from a movie I saw last night) and lock you in a tower until you have written at least 50 pages. O:)
Lots of love,
Author's Response: Leandra, how good to hear from you, darling! I’m so happy you’ve stopped by to review this. I was sure you had left your account for dead! I’m really happy that you left a review for the second chapter. This one isn’t as hot as the first one for reviews… probably because it has quite a bit of length to it.
Wow, one of the best Remus stories? That’s quite a compliment. It’s not even more than two chapters! But I’ll take it! That’s very sweet of you to say, dear.
I’m glad you like my portrayal of the Marauders. You’re, like, the second or third person to enjoy Peter. I never really thought I gave him enough, but everyone seems to think I gave him more than that. I suppose I should just keep doing what I’m doing with him. In all honesty, he is a really tough character to put in to the flow of things.
I’m writing more, don’t fear. I simply need a little more inspiration, I think. I actually developed a core for the plot that will give more motivation to both the young and old Remus (hopefully).
If that tower is stocked with lots of chocolate, I will totally write more. Just tell me the address and I’ll pack my bags, no stunning charm required!
Wait, I'm stupid, and it's impossible to edit or delete reviews. Of course! This fic is completed! Please ignore my annoying 'please update' at the end of the previous review.
Author's Response: No, no, you were quite right the first time, my friend. This story is not complete... far from it, in fact. I have definitely taken your "please update" into account, and have started working on chapter three. So, fear not. There will be plenty more to read if I can just wrap my writing around it a little more.
I like this... I like it a lot. Your Marauders are so close and friendly, and I also really like your Sirius's manner of speech. It seems sort of as though he's... eloquent and quasi-formal, but sarcastic, not serious, about it.“Oh, so that would explain why your grip was slimier and slipperier than usual.” The one thing I dislike is Remus's mustache. Is that a reference to the films?
It's really adorable that Remus had a thing for Lily. They're really cute... I would ship them had I not known how it all ends.
I also like your Snape and Peter-- they're very unique portrayals. Speaking of Peter, I'm thinking that's the voice at the end of the dream. Don't tell me if I'm right! I don't want to spoil the surprise!
Please update soon.
Author's Response: Another fabulous review from the one and only Schmerg. How honored I am! Most of my reviewers don’t leave marks on both chapters, so I was overjoyed to see that you had been so kind as to go the extra mile. I’m so glad you’re enjoying the story thus far!
I’m glad you like my take on the Marauders. It’s funny; I’ve met with some slight opposition regarding their manner of speech, especially James and Sirius. The way I see it, we haven’t really seen much of the James and Sirius in their younger years… and it was never implied that they weren’t smart. James and Sirius just seemed to have chosen not to go around spouting their intellect to the Hogwarts student body. But what I have seen with many of my friends is that they act slightly different depending on who they are around. Surely even I do this. Really, Sirius and James in particular are slightly derived from characteristics of my friends here and there. I’ve also heard that, when you really admire a person, you occasionally mimic certain qualities of theirs’. Thus, I think the Marauders all did this to each other subconsciously as I’m sure many of us do (I’ve caught myself doing it many a time). So, I’m glad you were not offended by their way of speaking.
Lupin’s mustache? Ah, that is actually a double entendre. It is inspired by the film, but I do not really picture Lupin’s mustache to look as David Thewlis’s did (although I think Thewlis was a great Lupin). The mustache is really a reference to my own personal experience. Mine grew in at quite an early age (fifth grade, to be exact), and many of my male classmates teased me about it. Now, oddly enough, many of my male friends make more positive remarks on the mustache. In fact, many have expressed frustration at not being able to grow theirs’ as thick as mine. So, I thought I would give that story to Remus. It’s a boy thing, I guess. After all, I think it gives him a more wolf-like quality, as Sirius says in the story.
I’m glad you liked the slight Remus/Lily ship I snuck in there. This was inspired by the films, but I thought it sounded reasonable when I reflected on it. Originally, the whole story was going to be centered on this, but I’ve decided I would rather not put the sole focus on that. It will still be important though. After all, why should James have been the only Marauder to fall for the sweet, kind, intellectual and good-natured Lily Potter? Just because Remus was the quiet one does not meant he didn’t have a crush. In fact, the way I see it, his meek and insecure exterior makes him an even more likely candidate for such a thing.
You know, you’re, like, the third or fourth person to comment on Peter. Honestly, I thought I had given his character a little too little to say, but I have not had that complaint yet. I surely did not think he was going to be this popular while I was writing him! Truly I thought comments like this one would have gone to Remus, as he was the one I was putting more depth into. But I’m glad Peter does not feel glossed over to you. That was definitely one thing I was trying to avoid… I must admit, though, that I’ve given him very straightforward dialogue. Regarding Snape, I’m glad you liked him. He was kind of fun to write. Evil has never spoken so rudely!
As to the mysterious voice, I won’t say a word. I’m glad you like that angle of the story. For the majority, it’s a split view on this piece. Some like it, some don’t. Hopefully my planned conclusion for that will please you and my other readers!
I’m working on chapter three now. It’s pretty tough, but I’ve found a core story to revolve the plot around. My energy to write it is somewhat fizzled, but hopefully it will re-spark. I can only hope I will see a review from you, Schmerg, when my third chapter is up. Thanks for the reviews!
Hmm, this looks promising! The beginning was definitely interesting-- I don't think I've ever seen a story introduced like that before-- and I also found it interesting how doting and loving Remus's parents are. I wonder where they are now?
This fic has a 'storytelling' tone, and I think that's what makes it sound so interesting. I look forward to reading the rest.
Author's Response: Wow, a review from the great Schmerg. I'm honored that you stopped by to read this, and even more honored that you left a few reviews to boot. How kind of you!
I'm glad you liked the beginning of the story. It was really kind of an experiment based on a few techniques my Humanities teacher had taught me prior to writing it. Probably one of the biggest things I was trying to do was set the scene well and describe it with just the right touch of detail. I guess it worked!
As far as Remus's parents go, I tried to make them both combinations of my parents. My parents are very supportive and caring of me, and thus I figured they would be the same for Lupin (he and I have quite a few common traits). I've often wondered, as have you, what exactly happened to them. Surely they didn't die of natural causes, as wizards live a long time, and Lupin is fairly young by wizarding standards.
That's interesting that you say my fic has a "storytelling" tone. I'm kind of curious as to exactly what you mean by that, and how you would describe other fics (as well as the original Harry Potter series) in relation to that idea.
Thanks so much for the review. I really appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to leave a few for each chapter! Can't thank you enough.
This is a very interesting character piece, pulling together lots of hints we've had into Remus's character and giving them life. I look forward to seeing how you develop him further.
I loved the opening paragraph of chapter one, and thought it was superbly effective; the style went a long way towards conveying the mood to your audience very quickly, and with a certain amount of menace, despite it’s short length. Great job!
The other three Marauders are very nicely done. Sirius is a bit of a trouble maker and James has that slightly arrogant charm that we've come to expect of him, but what I really enjoyed was your treatment of Peter. He was very much the third wheel; eager to try and fit in with the other boys. You even show us a hint of the sweetness McGonagall spoke of in PoA. This is a character that is very easy to write as one dimensional evil, but you’ve made him human. The humor you’ve written in with these boys is well handled, and again, I liked Peter’s part in the bandages gag. The Marauder’s Map in its early stages is a fun addition, and one I’m sure all your readers will enjoy.
Severus Snape was absolutely perfect – it was so wonderfully easy to hear his sarcasm dripping from every syllable – thank you!
The only possible point I can offer is plot. The link between the werewolf Remus and his dreams of his sixth year self is very vague. You may have plans for this, and have done it this way on purpose because of later chapter developments, but I just wanted to point out that as your reader, at this point I'm not really sure what the struggle is in this story, other then Remus's desire to show well as a Prefect this year. Developing this connection in the upcoming chapters, as I’m sure you plan to, will only give your story extra ‘punch’.
You’ve done a great job here - the individual parts are really well written, with nice flow and good dialogue. I'll definitely continue to follow this story.
I must say, that was an amazing chapter two. Yay, I get the first review!
This was a very long chapter when I first saw it. I was almost a bit iffy about reading the almost-seven-thousand word chapter, yet I’m glad that I did, though, because it was fantabulous. You should have way more reviews that three, and I being two of them! *blushes*
The bandages part was funny; You did a great job in the comedic part of that.
I didn’t see that many problems; yet again. I did see a few missed quotation marks and other punctuation, but no one is perfect (Goodness look at me!) and I’d make a lot more mistakes than you on this long of a chapter. I saw a few missed/overused commas as well, yet nothing too crazy. Other than that it was great.
I like how you used McLaggen as Tobias’ last name. We know that Cormac McLaggen from the books was a git. I like how you used the “like father, like son, trait in there. I hope to see more of him; you chose Tobias as a great name as well. Tobias to me suggests a manly, kind of controlling person, I think that you have that down pat so far.
I can’t really see Remus Lupin saying, “Oh my goodness, Lily, I’m terribly sorry.” A bit of OOCness goes on there. A warning would be well-placed, but not need; as it only a bit.
When you wrote about Lily and Remus talking a bit in the middle about their summer reading, I though I’d point out that you missed a comma. *blushes* Te he! It’s nothing, though.
Oh, and I’d also like to point out something else…Disregard if it’s stupid; maybe I’ve just forgotten and I’ve read too much fan fiction. But, I did not know that Lily knew about Remus’ “furry little problem” while they were at school. I’m sure (maybe?) that she found out while her and James were dating and married, as James and Lupin were best friends. But, this is just a statement. Please feel free to disregard if I’m wrong.
I love how you let the Marauders make up a map of James home. That was creative.
Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t see the Marauders saying some of the things that they are saying. Like I can see James using big words for comedic purposes and hilarity; and Lupin saying some of the things because that’s how you’ve written his character; the boys have even made a comment of it.
Since Tiberius McLaggen is an OC, you can basically let him say whatever however he wants; including “tomfoolery”. Great adjective by the way.
When Lupin says,
“Yes, I’m afraid I do,” said Remus with a slight tinge of annoyance in his voice. “Tiberius got irritated with me for not wearing it. I can’t afford to let that happen again. You heard him, if there’s anymore ‘tomfoolery’ my parents will have to hear about it. I don’t think they’d be very impressed with that.”
I think that this was a very detailed sentence, yet it’s a bit much. The Marauders aren’t known for how smart they are; they are known for their coolness and comedy. They’re not known for their stupidness (Even though they are hilarious), but I can’t see them saying some of the things that they said.
I do think that you have Severus Snape’s character PERFECT! He talks just like JKR most of the time when you wrote him, and you’ve described to us his appearance in fine detail as well. You need to write a Snape fic, I know you’d do great.
And then, before Remus can protest, he finds that his dreams are once again as silent and dim as they were when he dozed on the Hogwarts Express.
Great ending sentence. You left the readers hanging with the mysterious voice that was talking to the werewolf. You made us anxious to read the next chapter; but it’s not there! Have you started chapter three yet? I do hope that you update soon, the suspense is killing me. Are you planning on this fic being like, an account of the whole Marauder’s sixth year, through Lupin’s POV? And what will happen with the present-day Lupin? I love how you are switching back and forth. It makes the story more interesting. Wait, don’t tell me! I want to read it. Please update soon, if I may ask again. Sorry for the constructive crit; it only makes a writer better… not that you’re not an amazing writer already.
Are you planning on making this a Remus/Lily ship-fic? That would be interesting; I haven’t see many of those.
It still has a reserved spot on my favorites list; Michael. You’re very talented, I hope to hear more from you soon! You know what? I hope to see a one-shot from you! That would be great if you are having a block on this fic.
Thanks again for the great read!
Your buddy, ~Lindsey
The forest is restless tonight. The wind blows fiercely, making the pine trees bend and creak in a rhythmic pattern. The cold air brushes past a gloomy cavern, making a furry tail protruding from inside blow from one side of the rocky ground to the other.
Great start. You gave very descriptive sentences, allowing the reader to already immerse themselves in your fic.
Actually the detailing throughout the first chapter of this fic was marvelous. You did a great job in letting us, the readers, know who you were talking about, and you did a great job of it.
Lupin. A great choice to write about, period. Also, a great choice for this particular style of writing and fic as well, too. You described the parts and physical appearances of the werewolves perfectly. You did a great job at that.
I really didn't see any huge problems, yet I saw a few punctuation problems. You tended to overuse the commas (I do that a lot, so no worries). I'm totally not criticizing, I'm just trying help! :)
The emotional aspects of the mother are quite good, actually. It would be apparent that any mother would go all sad in front of their child that will be leaving for a year.
When you say that Remus put his accessories down to hug his father, that was so sweet! We know how Remus is.. just a poor, misunderstood soul; who just happens to be a werewolf.
Remus gave his parents a final nod and a grin, faced the barrier between platforms nine and ten, and ran directly towards it. He disappeared instantly through the brick, luggage and all.
I loved the ending. If it were still the first and only chapter, I would have been like, "Please, continue. Now!" I am now wondering what you have in store for the reader sin your fic, now.
You used great adjectives throughout the fic. You must be an amazing writer, and have wonderful betas.
I really liked this fic. I haven't read any fics yet, as to where it comes from Lupin's POV, and from where the story is being told mainly about him.
I definitely want to read the second chapter... but I will have to come back later. I'm looking forward to it, but, until then, my favorites list awaits!
Thanks for the great read!
Your new Hufflepuff buddy, ~Lindsey :)
Author's Response: Wow. Never in the history of this story has there been as lovely a review as this. I am floored. I can't quite remember at the moment where I learned it, but someone taught me not to be afraid of going into deep details. That really caught on to me, and I have tried to utilize detail in my writing carefully, but not to the point of writers like Tolkien (that kind of detail is over-the-top in my opinion). Thanks for the compliment on the detail, I was a little worried the tone I set didn't sound sophisticated and interesting enough, but you're vote of confidence has made me feel better. Ah yes, dear, sweet Remus Lupin. He's my favorite character of the entire series, and I find it ironically tragic that he does not have a huge fan base, especially compared to fellow Marauders James and Sirius. When I first wrote this story, I had found no stories specifically focusing on Remus' point of view, which really disappointed me. Even today it's hard to find well-written fics focused on him. It took me quite a long time to figure out just what I wanted to write about regarding Remus, but luckily I found what I was looking for. Commas! Yay for comma overuse! Just kidding. I'll have to check for those. Thanks for pointing that out. I don't mind at all. In fact, that's quite helpful of you. I know I use them way too much. Always have once I learned of their purpose. I'm glad you picked up on those little emotions throughout the story. I was hoping they sounded real enough. I was just trying to think of the ways I interact, and have interacted in the past, with my parents. Whenever one injects parts of their life into his or her writing, it really improves it wouldn't you say? I'm glad you're eager to read more. I was hoping that was the feeling the reader would get. Oddly enough, I had intended to end this chapter with the beginning or Remus' dream and chapter two begin with him stumbling onto the Platform. However, MuggleNet required more words for chapter one than I had, so I just smashed the two together! Thanks for the compliments. I certainly hope I'm a good writer. I'm constantly developing original ideas in my mind, but until they fully form themselves I'll keep to fan fiction for awhile. I'm very honored that you added me to your favorite stories/authors after reading only the first chapter. That's extremely kind of you, and all I can say again is that I am speechless! Thanks again for this spectacular review, my new friend!
Yay, it's up again! You know I love this chapter, since I've read it a million times before now, so yes, you know I love it. Sorry this is so short, but I can't think of anything new to say! Lol. Ttyl!
Author's Response: Thanks, hun, that's real sweet of you to say so. I know how much you love it, so I forgive the short nature of your review. Hopefully you can put up something a little longer for chapter 2, which is now up for the first time on MuggleNet! Thanks for the review, dear, and thanks for being a great BETA. I'll try to get around to reviewing your stories sometime soon!