Reviewer: Mind Games
Date: 03/30/07 0:00
Chapter: A Reason for Constant Vigilance

This was an interesting character choice. There aren’t too many stories about Alastor Moody, so seeing his name in the summary made me curious. He seems like he would be such a fascinating character to write about. He must have a lot of great history and his personality just sparks my interest. Sadly, I haven’t read a story that focuses around him until today. I’m so glad I decided to read this one because I really think the characterization in it is excellent. The way you write Moody really is just unlike anything I’ve ever seen. He is so close to the canon Moody, and every bit of dialogue and character traits you put in was just so Moody-like. It’s a great gift for a fanfic writer to be able to get so close to the canon characters and really get inside their heads. To me it seems as if you really thought like Moody as you wrote this, and it shows throughout the story.

At first when you mentioned how he had a daughter, I thought the idea was a little strange and un-canon. But nowhere does it state that Moody doesn’t have a daughter, so it does not go against canon in any way. On the contrary, I thought it was an interesting addition to Moody’s life as I read on. It was really intriguing since we don’t know anything about her, nor do we know what role she plays in the story and Moody’s life. As we first get a glimpse of her, it’s obvious that something tragic has happened to her, but I liked how you didn’t let us know right away. It was that bit of mystery that really held my interest. Using this idea really added to Moody’s character, bringing out a new side of him, while still keeping him completely in character. Well done!

You wrote such a unique atmosphere in the story. It had a certain sadness, but it was a subtle sadness. Not the obvious, fall into your loved ones’ arms because you’re so overcome with grief type of sadness, but something much more slow and soft. A father’s love for his daughter, as well as his loss and grief as she loses will to live. It was just the right sort of sadness for the story. You have to read the whole story to see it and recognize it, but it’s there the entire time. Not too obvious…just enough to make you feel an understanding and sorrow for Moody. Most of us have never pictured him losing someone and grieving over it, so I thought it was really amazing that you did.

I found some nitpicks in the story…

My beautiful Emilia. She was kidnapped one day, 7 years ago when I was off on a mission for the O-the... the Minister.

‘7’ should really be written out as ‘seven’ in this sentence.

The tears that threatened to spill over, finally did.

I think the comma in this sentence is unnecessary.

Now she cannot finish HealerTtraining.

There is an extra ‘t’ in this sentence. Just a small typo that you missed.

"Emilia." Moody interrupted curtly.

The period after ‘Emilia’ should be a comma.

*Two Weeks Later*

I don’t think putting the ‘two weeks later’ inside asterisks really worked all that well. It seemed to throw off the flow and interrupt the story a bit. Instead of writing it in asterisks, I would suggest writing it into the story. For example, ‘It had been two weeks since the incident at St. Mungo’s..’ or something like that.

The story has quite a few unneeded fragments, as well as grammar errors (other than what I mentioned above) and run-on sentences. Getting a beta to touch up the story, or looking over it yourself, would make it look more professional and put together. There are many available beta readers on the MNFF forums that would definitely be willing to beta this, so I would really recommend contacting one of them.

I loved every idea and theory you presented in this. I think you really brought a lot to Moody’s character and his unknown past. The ideas you had that explained the way he acts and thinks were really well thought-out and they flowed perfectly with canon. I thought showing how the Imperious curse can affect not only the receiver, but also the ones surrounding them, such as Moody, brought some realistic aspects into it and addressed an issue many overlook or don‘t want to write about. It’s a great character study, and you really got inside his head. I’m highly impressed. You have a lot of talent, Polaris. I’ll be reading more from you soon.

Katty -- Knight of the Turnip Table

Reviewer: wendelin the wierd
Date: 02/13/07 7:16
Chapter: A Reason for Constant Vigilance

I must admit, what first drew me in to your fic was the title. It holds a certain air of mystery and made me feel that I had to read this fic! Anyway, were you having plot bunnies for dinner that night?

Your fic was definitely touching and throughout the whole thing I could strongly feel the regret you were trying to show. Especially in the last few paragraphs. Moody’s devotion to his daughter was heartbreaking as well, it was written really powerfully.

You have captured Alastor Moody’s emotions perfectly. Andrew seems to be a well-rounded character as well, but what bothered me was the characterisation of Emilia, she seems to be a lot like Alice Longbottom. Maybe you should stress on her defining characteristics more?

As mentioned before, you have written this whole fic very powerfully, especially-

And always remember Emilia. Your daughter, your beautiful, kind, loving, independent daughter, who taught you this lesson. Even the most stubborn of us will eventually break...we need to learn to fight it off. Constant vigilance!

These lines were written in an almost poetic style. They held so much meaning and were so beautiful…It really gives a new twist to ‘constant vigilance’ and why Moody is so fanatical about it. To me, this was by far the best paragraph in the whole fic.

"I'll tell her to do her chores and she'll never pout again..."

Moody put his face in his hands then suddenly looked up, "Will I ever tell her to do her chores again?"

This shows how he treasures even the day-to-day activities with her. It has a really profound effect on the reader. You can almost feel Moody’s loss here.

Now, I have a series of grammar nitpicks which have been bothering me-

Mad-Eye Moody sat on the couch in front of the television watching wizarding tv. Surfing the news channels for a familiar face. Never admitting to himself it was actually only one face he was looking for.

Nothing. Nothing. And, again. Nothing.

You have one broken up paragraph here. Each sentence runs into the next but it seems to be pushed back by the periods. Also, T.V is always capitalised. This paragraph just seems to be a bit awkwardly phrased. My suggestion would be to make it-

Mad-Eye Moody sat on the couch in front of the television watching wizarding T.V, surfing the news channels for a familiar face, never admitting to himself it was actually only one face he was looking for.

Nothing, nothing and again nothing.

Moody was beginning to get impatient with his friend, who continued to drone on about the girl and her present condition, and spat, "Can you just take me to where she is?"

You seem to have a few recurrent dialogue errors running throughout the fic. However, they can be put right very easily. Just remember, when the word ‘said is used a comma is generally put towards the end of the previous dialogue. Example-

‘I don’t have it,’ he said.

But when you have a sentence before the dialogue you always end with a period because the person is doing something and not saying it. I just wanted to clarify this for you, forgive me for being extremely nitpicky.

Overall, aside from all my grammar nitpicks; I must say that I enjoyed this fic. It really choked me up and I would love to see more of your work soon. Even though I offered constructive criticism, I liked this fic. I really do and the underlying message beneath the whole thing is just beautiful.

Author's Response: Thanks a ton for the review, Wendelin. I don't mind the grammar hit picks. I heart them. :) Thanks for the dialogue advice. I'll be sure to watch out for those next time. <3, Polaris

Reviewer: joybelle423
Date: 01/03/07 19:24
Chapter: A Reason for Constant Vigilance

Wow. That was so moving ... I'd always wondered what really made Moody so ... twitchy, so scared -- but not -- all the time. This explains it!

Ironic that such a loud child left life without a single sound.

Great line! That tells us so much about her character and her death. I ached when I read that -- curse you, Voldemort!

Vardy, I am so impressed with your writing! I almost cried when Emilia died. (love the name, by the way!) Really, I'm not sure what else to say ... very touching, very realistic. Well done!

~ Abigail

Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Abigail! Made my day. ^^

Reviewer: A_Pink_lady
Date: 12/03/06 5:23
Chapter: A Reason for Constant Vigilance

oh that was soo sad, it really showed another side to moody, brilliant!

Author's Response: Thankoo! :D :D <3 Polaris

Reviewer: hermy_loves_ron
Date: 11/18/06 21:17
Chapter: A Reason for Constant Vigilance

That is so so so sad! But very good.

Author's Response: Thanks! :D Glad you liked it. :)

Reviewer: ginevra715
Date: 11/17/06 16:28
Chapter: A Reason for Constant Vigilance

really sad but really beautiful. i loved the angle on moody's character.

Author's Response: Thanks! :D <3, Polaris

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